Unselfishinnyc Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 I have been with my wife 8 years now....married for 2.5 years. I am the breadwinner in the relationship and much more financially responsible, am severely unselfish, and have a very high sex drive. Needless to say, my wife is the opposite...and many issues related to these themes are coming to a head (the resentment build up alone is insane...never mind how sexually frustrated I am). My wife stranded me last night when I tried to be physically intimate...full disclosure - she tried but has a severe cold and I told her not to worry because I felt horri ble (trust me I am regretting it). Today, she asks me if she can invite her ex-gf of six years (who helped raise my wife's daughter from birth to 6 years old...who my wofe lost because my wife cheated) to our daughters upcoming high school graduation. Backstory - the ex-gfs mom is our daughters godmother. The godmother cant attend the graduation (fyi i didn't know my wife even invited her) so my wife figured she should invite the ex-gf. Full disclosure - I know my wife keeps in touch with her ex here and there and it doesn't bother me...i am fine with it and not the jealous type. My wife is also aware I keep in touch with an ex and we are friends. While my wife finds my friendship with my ex a bit more difficult to accept, she does. When my wife asked I sarcastically answered, "sure....no problem at all...". She immediately responded in a frustrated and heightened tone, sayi v she knew i was going to respond this way. I promised myself that I would really work on self care in 2019. I don't want to deal with any negative reserved feelings on my stepdaughters graduation day...and I immediately thought about the lack of sleep I suffered last night because I was so sexually frustrated (first ti.e this ever happened to me) and all the other disagreements about lack of sex, finances, etc. Am I wrong? I immediately shut down (I'm the talker, she's more the introvert) when she answered the way she did, primarily bc its become habitual for her, despite my constant explanations as to why its not ok for her to talk to me that way. Then thought about it in the shower and all the feelings of resentment rushed in. So yea....am I wrong? Or should I stick to my guns?
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 What's your Q? Stick to your guns about what? Put your foot down about what? You & your wife have several problems. Some came to a head last night. You know you can't be that mad at somebody who didn't want to have sex when they were sick. Marriage is give & take but when you feel like you are always giving & they are always taking, it may be time to shift the balance. When you calm down talk to your wife about your sexual desires & possibly equalizing the financial contributions. When doing that calculus don't forget to account for any domestic tasks that she does which free you from those responsibilities. Right now the resentment you feel is poisoning everything. You need an antidote soon.
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 To be very honest, I have read and reread your post and I'm not sure what exactly you are upset about either. It's quite clear that you have many issues in your marriage, I'm going to guess that the resentment you are feeling is a result of communication problems and a feeling of a lack of consideration from your partner. If these things have built to the point that you are feeling the need to "put your foot down," you may want to consider doing something a little more proactive like marriage counselling to help you express your feelings and work through these issues in a more productive way. And, as someone home sick with a bad cold tonight... I don't blame your wife for shutting you down. Is there a reason that you could not take care of things yourself? There is nothing sexy about a bad cold, and I think my partner would say the same...
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Today, she asks me if she can invite her ex-gf of six years (who helped raise my wife's daughter from birth to 6 years old...who my wofe lost because my wife cheated) to our daughters upcoming high school graduation. Are you and your wife both women? Are your daughter and wife's daughter two different people? Needless to say, my wife is the opposite...and many issues related to these themes are coming to a head Makes no sense at all. You dated your partner for 8 years and committed to marriage, though I'm not sure how that timeline gives you a daughter graduating high school. If she is indeed your "opposite", only yourself to blame for choosing someone so poorly matched to your goals, wants and needs. That selection process is what courtship and engagement is for. Your choices brought you to this point. You might consider how better choices can help you going forward... Mr. Lucky
basil67 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Makes no sense at all. You dated your partner for 8 years and committed to marriage, though I'm not sure how that timeline gives you a daughter graduating high school. I wonder if it's a year 2 "graduation".
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Makes no sense at all. You dated your partner for 8 years and committed to marriage, though I'm not sure how that timeline gives you a daughter graduating high school. He calls her a stepdaughter, which may explain the timeline.
Els Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Rather than responding sarcastically and then somehow conflating the issue with your "lack of sleep due to sexual frustration", why not: (1) masturbate, especially if your partner has a severe cold... (2) so you get some sleep, and then (3) say "I have concerns about your ex-gf attending this event" like an actual adult? I'm just seeing a lot of poor decisions and blaming other people on your part, tbh. 4
Author Unselfishinnyc Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Thanks everyone for the insights and input. To help clear up some confusion, I am a woman and my spouse is a woman. I inherited a package deal, as her daughter was 10 when we met. I am wondering if, after about 6 years of her declining sexual interest, I should put my foot down somehow. I have suggested counseling and we went once, and she didn't like it so we never returned. She does most of the stuff around the house as its her preference but I don't think that makes it ok for me to constantly be the one handling financial shortxomings and emergencies. In full disclosure I am the reason she is sick....and I dont blame her for not wanting to either. Thing is this is not only about that night....its about lack of sexual desire all the time. She actually wanted to try that night and I told her no because she was sick...and i was vocal about it. Part of me also said no bc I didn't want to experience the guilt, sadness and resentment I feel after we do anything these days because I feel she does stuff out of pity. Also in full disclosure @Elswyth - given this is a constant issue I do masturbate....often. Now thats even getting boring and old...even with the help of porn. The following morning I apologized for my sarcasm. It helped in that she got an apology and I acknowledged I was wrong but hasnt solved anything else. I am not inclined to start the discussion either, as I am usually the one to do so. After all these years I am spent and think switching tack as @d0nnivain suggested is my only hope...especially given I have made poor decisions as a very unselfish person....
Crazelnut Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Insist on marriage counseling. If she won't go, you pretty much have to either suck it up and accept that this is your life, or leave the marriage. You have a lot of resentment, and you two need to work on that. Individual counseling may help you learn to deal with your frustrations too.
standtall Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Your title says it all..." I need to put my foot down..I think" dude, you either have to or not. One way or the other, make the decision
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