Justin_c Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 Hi, my name is Justin. I have been trying to deal with my situation, and well, I think it will make me feel a little better to organize my thoughts and just get them out there. Anyway, onto my situation. My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 2 1/2 years, we are both 20. We started dating when she was half way into her senior year (I had graduated the year prior). We were madly in love, everything was awesome. We totally trusted each other and were great friends before we started dating and that friendship has totally carried through. We are different enough to keep things interesting but agree on things and are similiar where it matters. After she graduated she went off to college 3 hours south of me. Everything was great, we would visit each other when we could. I had to goto basic training for 2 1/2 months, she wrote me as often as she could and it made it so much easier. I get home early spring of this year. We are both anxious about the upcoming fall (now) because I will be attending university that will put even more distance between us....She expressed that she thinks maybe if it is best for us to seperate until we can be together physically. I try to convince her out of it but see her point. We seperate, and are to see other people. I start dating this girl Amanda that I know and right off the bat Julie becomes very upset/hysterical. It kills me. I am totally in love with Julie still. Im just trying to get over her because I dont know how this will work anymore if she cant handle the distance. Long story short, I break up with Amanda and me and Julie get back together. We enjoy our summer, take a trip to san fran, and have a grand 'ol time. Its the new fall semester now. Last week she asks if maybe seeing other people is a good idea. I tell her it might be bearable at first, but we cant do that and then expect to get back together...its just very uncertain and we cant know what will happen in the future. I ask her why she wants to seperate. She says she doesn't like feeling that she has to watch out she acts and wants to be able to goto football games with a guy or party or whatever. Now she already parties and hangs out with her guys friends, im not the super-jealous type (of course I have my limits but we dont infringe on each others freedom). I tell her that she already does these things. She says that she wants to feel the desire from a guy, to be wanted. I said, well we are apart, going on dates with other people to help you out would be okay. She says she wants the affection. I ask, "kissing, hugging, the whole physical stuff"? She says yes. Hmm, okay. I ask, "sex"? She tells me no. Thats a little more than just affection and thats where I draw my line so I think okay good. HOwever when my friend was asking her about things and got to talkin about sex with other people she says she doesn't know. She tells me not to worry, that she still loves me, that she still wants to marry me but its just hard seeing me only once a month. She just thinks it will be easier on both of us if we both see other people. Now that I think about it...I believe her. Maybe I've just been over-analyzing all this. I know she does love me. But is it possible. I mean, I will move in with her for christmas break, and am gonna transfer to her university next fall and i'll just work down there for the spring then well have summer off. so other than this semester we'll be able to be together. I'm just afraid. I dont want to lose her. If we date other people, what if one of us starts to fall or somebody else. I know how it is when you first date somebody else. It feels so good because its new. But its not necessarily love. Infatuation is very deceiving. I dont want one of us to succumb to infatuation and do something that will jepordize us, which is what we both want. I dont want to hold her back and make her unhappy. Is it a worthwhile risk to see other people? I mean, i dont have a choice in the matter, she has her mind made up. But should I just work on trying to get over her? It will literally kill me inside to have her sharing what we have with other people. Honestly, i would much rather hear from her that she had a one night stand with a guy, but she's sorry and blah blah blah then hear her say she wants to experience...well our relationship qualities with somebody else. Its not that I dont want her to have fun, I do. I just dont want to lose her. Maybe im being selfish? Is it time to just let go? *sigh* .....I hate love.
sundrop Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I understand that relationships are hard when you only see each other once a month and I also understand that when you go away to college you want to experiance college, but why does she have o break up with you to go to ball games, parties etc? Can you not do that now a-days and still be in a committed relationship? Sounds like to me she is being selfish. She wants to go out and party and have a good time and have you on the back burner, if she doesn't find anybody else before the holidays... Just my thoughts.
Author Justin_c Posted September 16, 2005 Author Posted September 16, 2005 Thanks for the response. Thats kinda what I was feeling. And thats what I said. "Why must we break up for you to go out and have fun?" Its what we've been doing and it works. I dont even care if she flirts and is playful and all that stuff. She told me that she wants the affection....But that kinda counteracts "I want to marry you" and "be with you again for christams break". I also saw on her email when I last visited this past weekend that she had contacted about 3 guys through some personals site. When I confronted her about it, she said that there just seemed like cool people to talk to. They were all pretty attractive guys who were her age and lived near where she goes to school. Coincidence? Why would she get defensive and hide this from me? I am so confused. If she does want to just be with other people, why doesnt she just cut me off? In case she isnt happy with other people I can be the backboard? This whole mess is so confusing.....
sundrop Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Justin, Sweet Justin, Let me be totaly blunt with you. She doesn't want to cut you off right now, because you are being to good for you and you are letting her have her cake and eat it too. She hasn't found anybody yet, once she does you will probably be history and will start hearing less and less from her. Than when you ask her why you haven't heard from her, she will say because yall are broken up and she doesn't have to justify herself to you...... You have been together for a good amount of time. But right now you are at a difficult age. Experiancing life out on your own for the first time ect..... There will be a lot of growing up and changin gover the next few years. But right now she doesn't want to cut you off totaly because, you probably are good to her, and she knows that. So why not keep the guy who I have spent over two years with and care about on the back burner, while I go out and experiance all these other people.... I just feel she is setting you up for a big heartache, in the future. It's a whole lot easier to let go of a lover when you have another one on stand by to fill in the gap.....
pippen_2k Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I give ya Props for actin the way you are Justin.. Preety damn mature! She is just at that age now where she is in College and probably gettin ALOT of attention from guys! But by what she said she hasnt taken any of these offers because she has been with you!... Good to hear.. But it does sound like she 'Wants to play the field' a lil and see what else is out there! Her friends too are probably encouraging her saying that Long Distant relationships never work newayz, and have fun whilst your at College, and most girls listen to their friends and run with that. Im sure she does think ur the shiz and are marriage material, but she is young and wants to experience College life... thats how it goes... Its definatley not over between you 2, but in the mean time your not gonna wanna know who she is dating etc... like when she got the sads when you started dating someone else.. Its a tough one..no such thing as a temporary break, your either with em, or your not... I say cut it loose untill you are actually in the same town as her. Good luck bro
Candy Cane Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Unfortunately, losing her really isn't a relevant issue. If she wants to leave, there's nothing you can do to stop her. What is a relevant issue is how much you will tolerate in the process. If something doesn't feel right to you, you don't have to accept it. You can just say, "No." If I were you, I'd just tell her that you want a platonic relationship if she's planning on dating or being intimate with other people and that it's an issue that you won't compromise on. You really shouldn't have to share her with anyone. When I was in college, I didn't feel the need to date every guy in the dorm. I would have been happy with one decent guy who loved me.
flsgirl Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years. I was a junior in college and he was from my hometown 4 hrs away. We made it work. We loved each other enough to make it work (unfortunately we were better in a long distance than a same house relationship). So yes, long distance relationships can work if you put the effort in it. Sorry to say, your girl isn't making that effort. She's more interested in partying and being in college (of course she is, she's 20 yrs. old). I think she wants to experience life without you being her boyfriend but is afraid to because you are what she knows and what she's comfortable with. Once a new guy does come into the picture, you won't be talking anymore. You need to start letting go. Go experience your own college life. Have fun. This sucks for now, but it will get better. This girl is definitely keeping you around as second choice. Get out now before it turns into some horrible ugly thing (like mine did). Good luck
Author Justin_c Posted September 16, 2005 Author Posted September 16, 2005 Thank you all so much for your advice. I think I knew what I had to do its just so hard to actually go through with it. I went to a girl's birthday part last night, and didnt call Julie at all that day and was trying to just clear my head. And of course she calls me right? I tried to be strong, but I picked up...and she tells me how much she loves me and misses me. This is impossible!! I think I need to have a talk with her because I can't move on if she's doing this. The hardest thing is knowing that she still loves me and the fact that I'm over the kinda high school dating every girl I see mentallity. I really would just be happy with her and its been working. *sigh* I guess I just gotta be tough and press forward... Justin
Recommended Posts