pandagirl2018 Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 (edited) I have talked to my guy about this already, but would like your advice too. We have been dating for a few months, and I really like him but his behaviour is kinda driving me crazy. It's like our relationship revolves around him doing stuff for me all the time. If I go to the kitchen he'll follow me wanting to help me in whatever I am doing. He's always asking if I want this or that. Even if I go to the toilet in the middle of the night he'll be asking me if I am ok and blablabla when I come back to bed, which is super annoying because I just went to the toilet, nothing else. I don't like this, makes me feel suffocated and resentful. I am a very independent person who's used to have my personal space and do things on my own, and this is really suffocating me. I don't want a relationship where I am the center of attention and have the man catering for me at all times. I want a relationship of equals where he doesn't have to come and help me at all times, especially when I didn't ask. I can function on my own. Sometimes I go to another room of the house to do something and after 1 minute there he is ready to help, when I don't want help and just want some time on my own basically. I have talked to him about this already because it is driving me nuts. I told him I appreciate what he does, but I don't want his whole life revolving around figuring out my wants and needs and cater for them, without even me asking. I want a partner and an equal, not a butler. And I also want space to do things for him as well. He said he understands and that he knows he has been doing that and that he will try to hold back. I just feel that his nature is doing all of that stuff and being like that, and I'm not sure if he will go back to that after a while? We have been sleeping and living together most of the time, but I'm gonna have to tell him we'll need to do that only a few times per week because I am missing just being alone with myself a LOT. Any advice? Thank you. Edited January 2, 2019 by pandagirl2018
chillii Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 Yikes , l dunno why but strangulation is popping into my head haha, Ahh sorry , couldn't resist . Anyway , like l always say , a non spacey person will never understand a spacey person, they're everywhere and just can't get it. l dunno what your gonna do with him he's extreme, could be a clue in that top line, umm. l doubt he'll ever get the message to any you can stand it degree sorry but l suppose all you can do is keep trying to talk him round while trying not to kill him. Good luck 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 Yikes , l dunno why but strangulation is popping into my head haha, Ahh sorry , couldn't resist . Anyway , like l always say , a non spacey person will never understand a spacey person, they're everywhere and just can't get it. l dunno what your gonna do with him he's extreme, could be a clue in that top line, umm. l doubt he'll ever get the message to any you can stand it degree sorry but l suppose all you can do is keep trying to talk him round while trying not to kill him. Good luck Well he said he understands and that he agrees that we need to solve this and get to a place where we both feel comfortable. On the same day he said that, he also decided to go and rent a house on his own, after we have been talking about moving in together for many weeks. Feeling a bit stupid here now. 1
Giraffe-A Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 It will actually fade out. One of my exes used to do this to me all the time and I hated it. The reason I feel will fade was because his last gf’s complaint was that he never helped her. He played video games all day. I don’t want to assume that I was ALL that for him to be this way with me and not her. It is safe to say that he gradually got comfortable and stopped helping her as she is highly independent herself. At least your gut is willing to change. My ex would get furious...which is why he’s an ex.
PRW Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 but I'm gonna have to tell him we'll need to do that only a few times per week because I am missing just being alone with myself a LOT. Any advice? Thank you. You have the right idea. Do this and be firm about it. If you are inconsistent and wishy-washy about it he will not learn and will use your inconsistency and a manipulation point to get you to continue as you previously have been. It is difficult for a woman to teach a man how to be a man and they usually become resentful, lose respect for the guy and it falls apart, but I wish you luck if you want to give it a shot. It is interesting that dating coaches create fictional scenarios to explain to their male students to NOT be like this and their fictional scenarios match your description in every detail.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 You have the right idea. Do this and be firm about it. If you are inconsistent and wishy-washy about it he will not learn and will use your inconsistency and a manipulation point to get you to continue as you previously have been. It is difficult for a woman to teach a man how to be a man and they usually become resentful, lose respect for the guy and it falls apart, but I wish you luck if you want to give it a shot. It is interesting that dating coaches create fictional scenarios to explain to their male students to NOT be like this and their fictional scenarios match your description in every detail. Maybe my guy needs to have a dating coach...
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 It will actually fade out. One of my exes used to do this to me all the time and I hated it. The reason I feel will fade was because his last gf’s complaint was that he never helped her. He played video games all day. I don’t want to assume that I was ALL that for him to be this way with me and not her. It is safe to say that he gradually got comfortable and stopped helping her as she is highly independent herself. At least your gut is willing to change. My ex would get furious...which is why he’s an ex. I have no idea if it will fade out or not since I don't have a crystal ball to predict the future. All I know is what he is doing in the present moment and how I feel about it. And I need the situation to change now, not months down the line.
PRW Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 (edited) I have no idea if it will fade out or not since I don't have a crystal ball to predict the future. All I know is what he is doing in the present moment and how I feel about it. And I need the situation to change now, not months down the line. I agree. I my experience with people, the intensity may dull just a bit over time but the problem still remains. It is caused by a severe insecurity of "worthiness" that just isn't going to disappear that easily. This type is often called "The Pleaser". I heard a phrase a while back in a video that said, "Women want to be pleased,...but they don't want a Pleaser." If he gets his own place that will help,...help you anyway by virtue of less proximity,...may not change him. But there is a little piece of me that is skeptical that he will follow through on it. He may have offered that idea as a way to pacify you "for the moment". Edited January 2, 2019 by PRW
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 I agree. I my experience with people, the intensity may dull just a bit over time but the problem still remains. It is caused by a severe insecurity of "worthiness" that just isn't going to disappear that easily. This type is often called "The Pleaser". I heard a phrase a while back in a video that said, "Women want to be pleased,...but they don't want a Pleaser." If he gets his own place that will help,...help you anyway by virtue of less proximity,...may not change him. But there is a little piece of me that is skeptical that he will follow through on it. He may have offered that idea as a way to pacify you "for the moment". He already has his own place, he just wants to rent a smaller place in the meantime though. Yes I thought about that too, about him being "the pleaser", the type of people that always say yes and ignore what they feel and want. I am completely the opposite in the sense that I live with integrity of self and I never say yes to anything that I don't want to do just to please someone. That is a big fat lie wrapped up in "being nice". I know that he doesn't do it from a bad place though. He is a nice guy and likes me, and is insecure of losing me. But his behaviour has been getting worse in the smothering department to the point of being suffocating. I don't think it will change either and to be honest is not my role to change anyone. He might not want to change and just be himself, and that's fine. In that case we both need to find different partners.
PRW Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 He already has his own place, he just wants to rent a smaller place in the meantime though. Yes I thought about that too, about him being "the pleaser", the type of people that always say yes and ignore what they feel and want. I am completely the opposite in the sense that I live with integrity of self and I never say yes to anything that I don't want to do just to please someone. That is a big fat lie wrapped up in "being nice". I know that he doesn't do it from a bad place though. He is a nice guy and likes me, and is insecure of losing me. But his behaviour has been getting worse in the smothering department to the point of being suffocating. I don't think it will change either and to be honest is not my role to change anyone. He might not want to change and just be himself, and that's fine. In that case we both need to find different partners.You seem to have pretty good knowledge of this stuff and know what you are doing. All we really did was validate what you were thinking. Bottom line: It is either going to work out,...or it isn't.
Rockett Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 This is a tough call. Over the top behavior would bother me because I know that when I've done it in the past (in my 20s), it was because I was afraid of losing the person and desperately wanted to please them to keep them in my life. Looking back, my behavior was more about my own need to be with someone, rather than building a unique connection with the guy I was with. I get the sense that you want him to tone down the constant attention (ie need for approval) so that you can really get to know who each other are. The problem is that he is so overcome with the need for your approval and acceptance, that it will be hard to get to who he really is, because he is not comfortable with himself. Perhaps spelling it out for him really clearly- that you really need him to calm down and trust that you will like him for who he is- if the relationship is to work. He probably doesn't sense that his behavior is pushing you into dealbreaker territory.
Giraffe-A Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 I have no idea if it will fade out or not since I don't have a crystal ball to predict the future. All I know is what he is doing in the present moment and how I feel about it. And I need the situation to change now, not months down the line. I don’t blame you. Your idea of spending less time together is not bad.
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 Possible OCD. It comes in many different forms. OCD doesn't have an off button, so that's why you can tell him no over and over, and he keeps nodding his head yes he understands, but it still doesn't change the behavior. maybe he needs a therapist because when something interrupts your life or the ability to have a normal relationship, there is a problem. 1
PRW Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 Possible OCD. It comes in many different forms. OCD doesn't have an off button, so that's why you can tell him no over and over, and he keeps nodding his head yes he understands, but it still doesn't change the behavior. maybe he needs a therapist because when something interrupts your life or the ability to have a normal relationship, there is a problem. Ok. I'll admit it. The thermostat in my house always have to be on an even number and the cruise control in my car has to be on an even number speed. "I can't drive 55",...but 56 will work. 1
stillafool Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 Well he said he understands and that he agrees that we need to solve this and get to a place where we both feel comfortable. On the same day he said that, he also decided to go and rent a house on his own, after we have been talking about moving in together for many weeks. Feeling a bit stupid here now. Well now at least you won't have to worry about being smothered when you come home.
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 Tell him it's driving you crazy. I already told him that. He said he understands and that he will back off but that he doesn't want to stop taking care of me completely.
olivetree Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 You guys talked about it and I think that he sounded very understanding, which is very positive. So now I think you should see what happens and try not to worry about it. Try not to have a "this is never going to work" attitude, otherwise it really won't. Also keep in mind that it takes a while for behaviour to become a habit, so even if he slips up and is a bit smothering, it doesn't mean he can't change. I also would not assume that this is just the way that he is or the way that he wants to be. It likely isn't all that satisfying to him either to be a people pleaser, so this might be the push he needs to make a change. Obviously whether you want to stick around while he makes that change is up to you. Another thing - regardless of how things have been going, it is probably a good thing that he got his own place and you're not moving in together so early in the relationship. Most people need time to adjust to that kind of commitment and time together, even if they aren't feeling suffocated already!
preraph Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 I already told him that. He said he understands and that he will back off but that he doesn't want to stop taking care of me completely. Tell him you are serious and to stop following you from room to room. Tell him it's a serious problem and that it must stop. He's not helping you. He's driving you crazy. I broke off with a guy for that. It's very annoying.
chillii Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 (edited) At least he's open to change , that's a good thing. Where the spacey thing comes into it though is that they just can't understand that it's not only about being too helpful it's also about chilling out and giving us room to breath My ex w just liked looking after me , it's just how she was she was also a nurse. But she also just never got it about my space, my time. She just didn't need that stuff. My gf now on the other hand , also loves looking after me but she does also get space, she's also a spacey independent person herself just a very caring one. So we've just molded into each others ways round the house or anywhere really nicely these days. Yet that just never happened with my ex w. gf gets it , is like that herself, ex w just never could. So he's listening and trying, great start, if you wanna stay with him you'll just have to keep at it and see over time how it all gels . Edited January 2, 2019 by chillii
Author pandagirl2018 Posted January 3, 2019 Author Posted January 3, 2019 Thank you guys for your replies and help. We decided to try to change the dynamic between us by me telling him straight every time I start to feel suffocated or he's being too much. Basically pulling a stop. Because to him is a bit abstract to just say "tone it down", he doesn't know how to or where. It's easier if I let him know directly when he's starting to cross my boundaries so he knows when to stop and also gets to know me and how I am, so eventually in the future he already knows and I don't need to say stop all the time. Let's see how it goes. The thing here also is that years ago I left a relationship with a guy that was completely the opposite. He was closed off, distant, and didn't care much about doing things for me or caring about me. This guy now is the other extreme, doing too much and I'm not used to it. Anyway, I think we need to find a balance. 1
RSEJ Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 (edited) <snip> Any advice? Thank you. My advice as a guy: Highlight the above, press ctrl c, go into chat with him and press ctrl V, hit enter. Literally tell him all that - it will shock him enough to change because he'll realise he's coming off borderline creepy Edited January 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
confused83 Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 (edited) I love this post for 1 reason... your boyfriend is a former me. Ive been in this exact situation and all i can say is the same thing i said to my partner 8 years ago. That you may miss it when im more settled. My scenario: We where together probably 4 days a week and discussed living together, i was all over her, i couldnt help it i couldnt stop myself caring. and weirdly with other woman id dated i was the type whod reply once a day & show very little interest, i was confident and the woman i dated loved it about me. But with her i was different, I personally couldnt help asking if she was ok as i loved her i guess.... any Way as you can see some people will act differently depending on how they feel. Anyway... with my story she eventually said how i was smothering her and she was debating leaving me, we somehow salvaged it & i could feel myself working hard inside to not do what ruined us before... fast forward to when we'd been together 7 months and i didnt even realise id changed. Id got more comfortable with us and she sat me down and asked why id gone off her??? I hadnt and the question confused me. We ended up being in a relationship for 3 years and she was constantly insecure & complaining that i wasnt showing her enough attention???? We ended up breaking up. Funny how i said she may miss my attention when im not giving it, she disagreed.. then when i did naturally stop due to getting comfortable she wanted the old me back. My advice, if it doesnt change yes leave him but what if youre leaving a decent guy whos just acting this way because he actually likes you? Is that so bad? And what about when he gets comfortable are you going to miss the constant attention? Right now i guess youll say you wont, until its gone. The fact youve said you left a guy who was closed off makes me believe you'll be exactly as my ex was with me. You do need a healthy balance and in my situation i was very naive and young at the time but your man may change too and realise. I just think its a shame when so many people let good honest people go because theyre too nice, then when theyre gone they get the opposite & miss the other. You need a balance but now I'm older and more mature i know id prefer a caring person over a... well... the opposite i do get it though when woman are all over me it's a put off but he may change when it settles down Edited January 4, 2019 by confused83
preraph Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 I think a happy medium is the answer, if you can find one.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Yes, he's so over the top that I didn't think he would "get" some polite request ... In fact, I hesitated over your reassurance of I know he means well. Actually, this level of suffocation and following someone around ... some kinda deep insecurity would be my worry ... and a lack of boundaries ... You might have to straight up and tell him that you want a man who goes out and lives his own life, not cater to you. This guy doesn't just need to do less. He needs a whole new way of thinking and interacting. thinking. I worry he's got that "nice guy" illusion going on--the illusion that if he focuses on you, you will be happy with him. The problem is he loses his individuality--and you will lose interest. Be really blunt with him.
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