Eustacia11 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months because I felt insecure in the relationship. Some is that is mine to own, but these are the sorts of behaviors he would exhibit and I’m wondering now if I overreacted or if my feelings were justified. Please help! We had talked about valuing 100 percent honesty, so I’m trying to decide if that makes these things okay, because he was simply being honest, or if some things are better left unsaid. These are the sorts of examples I’m talking about: He saw a hot girl at the gym and said she invaded his thoughts while we were intimate. He talked about what a great cook his ex was, how brilliant, how hot she was. Also that they went to a sex club together. It made me feel insecure. He needed a lot of alone time. Everything we did had to be planned out in detail. He never asked me to stay for a sleepover, even after six months of dating. I never felt comfortable that he was part of an affair, despite his admitting it was a mistake and that he had learned a great deal and had become a better person.
stillafool Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 You most certainly did the right thing. He treated you terribly and didn't seem to be that into you if he didn't want you to spend the night after 6 months. So I guess you two never spent an entire weekend together either. No, find someone who values you. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 You were not insecure. He was a jerk. 100% honesty is so overrated. He was horrid for telling you that he was thinking about some other girl while with you & he was mean for telling you all that stuff about his EX. Some info -- I had an EX -- is fine. Heck my husband knows the profession of 2 of my EXs because I met them in grad school & bump into them professionally but I certainly went out of my way to reassure him that their graduate degrees which he doesn't have did not make them better then him. A painting from another EX hangs in our living room. It's there not because I'm pining for the EX but because it's a nice piece of art that was custom designed for the room. It's not their to undermine my husband's self confidence. In contrast your BF was setting up an unhealthy competition. He was mean & psychologically manipulative. Him needing time alone & planning was not anything that should have concerned you. You did well by ending this. It was unhealthy.
Ilya Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I think you are justified in having felt wronged and hurt by someone telling you they thought of some hot girl from the gym.
BC1980 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 You're not overreacting. Telling you how great his ex was and that he was thinking of another girl while he was with you are terrible things to do.
FMW Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Completely agree with the others. Telling you he was thinking of the hot girl at the gym and how great his ex was unacceptable. And after 6 months he should have wanted you to stay over. You did the right thing breaking it off.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Under what circumstances did he even share his thoughts about the girl at the gym? Did he randomly bring up these things about his ex and the gym girl, or were you asking probing questions? I do agree he sounds insensitive and nowhere near as invested as you were, and I too would have ended it, just to be clear. Even if you were the one asking personal questions, most mature guys have enough of a filter to not sing the praises of an ex (or crush) to their own girlfriends. This man appears to have lacked the sensitivity chip, together with not wanting you to get too close. How long ago did he and his ex break up?
Author Eustacia11 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 Thank you for your thoughts, it helps a lot. I never asked any probing questions until the information had already been revealed, and then I felt like it was opening Pandora's box. He and his ex broke up 4 years ago, but their breakup greatly impacted him.
Author Eustacia11 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 @d0nnivain...thank you for your supportive words. Ironically, he's a psychologist, so I was always super surprised when he would make such comments, supposedly having the awareness for how they might be received by me. Which led me down a whole different path of thinking, like you said, being psychologically manipulative. 1
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