Simmy34 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 So, in september I started dating a guy and things were going fine, until when about three weeks ago he would stop texting me when he went out at night with friends. He always did that before, but as we got closer it started bothering me more. I decided to end things with him as I felt he was starting to disconnect. He told me that he knows he is like that, he didn’t want it to happen but that he respected my decision. He wanted to keep talking but I told him it didn’t make any sense. Then, a few days ago he texted me that he missed me and i asked him how he was doing. He said he was doing good, then what about me, then I answered and he didn’t respond anymore. The truth is that I do miss him even though I didn’t say it, and I would like to try and fix things. I had a very long term relationship where we were in constant communication, and that’s why what he did bothered me so much, because I wasnt used to it. Should I talk to him again even though he was the one who stopped answering? And what should I say? I was thinking of saying: “Hey, I was wondering why you would tell me that and then stop talking to me”. Or maybe I shouldn’t bother, I’m confused. We are both 24 if it matters. Thank you! Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language.
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 You found his communication style unacceptable. He has explained that is who he is & how he acts. It won't change this 2nd go round. Before you reach out make sure you are OK with going back to exactly how things were that didn't work for you last time. He's not going to suddenly communicate more. 1
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 You can't fix a guy that isn't that into you. That's right, he was with you out of convenience, that's it. You know how you should be treated, and should date those who treats you the way you want to be treated...he isn't fulfilling that and never did, so why are you clinging onto the hope he will change? He has proven himself he will not be the BF you want him to be. Time to let this one go, and stop answering his texts...even better just block and delete, go no contact. 1
Giraffe-A Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 A guy who can communicate AND show you he’s interested is pretty rare, but if you want to reach out, you’ll have to determine if despite his lack of communication he actually showed you attention. Actions speak louder than words. If you find that he did treat you well, then you will have to accept that he’s not a good communicator. Even if he agrees to be better at it, he may go back to his old ways. 1
Author Simmy34 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 You found his communication style unacceptable. He has explained that is who he is & how he acts. It won't change this 2nd go round. Before you reach out make sure you are OK with going back to exactly how things were that didn't work for you last time. He's not going to suddenly communicate more. The thing here is that I don’t know if I was being childish or not. Some people say that if he was that into you, he would talk to you all the time and that if he doesn’t its lack of interest. Others say that it is completely normal to not talk sometimes when he is with friends. I only have one relationship to compare
preraph Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 There are all types. You shouldn't expect everyone to be like the type you're used to. Most people who are busy working cannot stay in contact all the time, and it IS childish to demand that of someone who is busy working or whatever. If this one only does it when he's out with friends, well, he doesn't like to be interrupted while out with friends. I don't blame him. I don't respond to someone when I'm sitting there one-on-one with a friend. I can talk to that other person on text or phone anytime. Face time is rare. It's rude to interrupt your evening by allowing someone to keep texting and calling and distracting you and it shows poor boundaries. So I think you need to understand that what works when you're young and don't have a busy schedule must change as you take a job and that it's impolite to interrupt or allow yourself to be distracted by interruptions when you're visiting with friends. 1
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 He never fought to make things better with you, he simply accepted the breakup. That speaks volumes. Now that he is bored, and has nothing going on, he reaches out to you again, then the conversation drops off. Why? because he knows if anything is to happen again with you, he would actually have to make an effort. Stop wasting your time. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 The thing here is that I don’t know if I was being childish or not. Some people say that if he was that into you, he would talk to you all the time and that if he doesn’t its lack of interest. Others say that it is completely normal to not talk sometimes when he is with friends. I only have one relationship to compare I don't need, like, accept or offer constant communication. Especially early on in a relationship I would break up with anybody who tried to smother me. I was good with 3-4 phone calls & 1-2 dates per week. This constant texting BS drove me nuts. I would classify any new guy in my life who called me when out with his friends a Stage 5 Cling-on. Other people carry on like your relationship has no chance if you don't talk several times during the day. I personally don't want that. If you need more then he was giving you, don't go backwards. If you bailed because somebody else told you he wasn't doing enough, by all means turn those negative voices off in your head & carry on enjoying your time with this man. 1
edgygirl Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I disagree. Some people are not into texting all day long. Specially men. I also been struggling with that as I prefer a few texts per day, but I am starting to think actions are more important than constant text chatting. The thing here is that I don’t know if I was being childish or not. Some people say that if he was that into you, he would talk to you all the time and that if he doesn’t its lack of interest. Others say that it is completely normal to not talk sometimes when he is with friends. I only have one relationship to compare
edgygirl Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Hey d0nnivain you are the rare woman who mentions this so I've been inclined to ask: do you consider yourself either secure or avoidant in the attachment style spectrum? Just curious and hope it's not offensive. I'm trying to become LESS needy/anxious so it would be great to understand the thought process of a woman who is not needy communication-wise. I don't need, like, accept or offer constant communication. Especially early on in a relationship I would break up with anybody who tried to smother me. I was good with 3-4 phone calls & 1-2 dates per week. This constant texting BS drove me nuts. I would classify any new guy in my life who called me when out with his friends a Stage 5 Cling-on. Other people carry on like your relationship has no chance if you don't talk several times during the day. I personally don't want that. If you need more then he was giving you, don't go backwards. If you bailed because somebody else told you he wasn't doing enough, by all means turn those negative voices off in your head & carry on enjoying your time with this man.
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Hey d0nnivain you are the rare woman who mentions this so I've been inclined to ask: do you consider yourself either secure or avoidant in the attachment style spectrum? Just curious and hope it's not offensive. I'm trying to become LESS needy/anxious so it would be great to understand the thought process of a woman who is not needy communication-wise. I never thought about it. Although I have had my moments of doubt, I am probably more secure. I am generally self confident -- or at least I project as such IRL. In HS I was the nerdy smart girl who never had a date. I college I discovered smart boys & was like a starving woman at a buffet. If there is such a thing as a female player, that was me, back then. I didn't lie or mislead but the last thing I wanted was a long term committed relationship. When grad school ended, I settled down & moved in with my BF. We lasted 10 years. I finally left when I had no choice but to deal wit the reality that he was serious when he said he "didn't believe in marriage." If I didn't like the way a man treated me, first I said something. If that didn't get the unacceptable behavior to change, I broke up with him. There was no sense in sitting around putting up with nonsense that made me crazy. 2
edgygirl Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Haha starving woman at a smart boys' buffet You sound awesome to be honest. Your responses (including this one) always sound very 'secure attachment' style indeed so this all makes sense. I think most of us that come to this forum for help are not securely attached hence more on the needy side. Thank you for responding! I never thought about it. Although I have had my moments of doubt, I am probably more secure. I am generally self confident -- or at least I project as such IRL. In HS I was the nerdy smart girl who never had a date. I college I discovered smart boys & was like a starving woman at a buffet. If there is such a thing as a female player, that was me, back then. I didn't lie or mislead but the last thing I wanted was a long term committed relationship. When grad school ended, I settled down & moved in with my BF. We lasted 10 years. I finally left when I had no choice but to deal wit the reality that he was serious when he said he "didn't believe in marriage." If I didn't like the way a man treated me, first I said something. If that didn't get the unacceptable behavior to change, I broke up with him. There was no sense in sitting around putting up with nonsense that made me crazy. 1
preraph Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Simmy, someone immature or insecure who didn't have a grown up life with a job might text you all the time. It's not really a good sign, though. I mean, do you want to be out with your girlfriends and have him interrupting all the time when he knows you want to visit your friends and don't often get to?
Gretchen12 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I think most of us that come to this forum for help are not securely attached hence more on the needy side. Thank you for responding! Curiously, the neediest people are the ones who stay quiet. They get anxious but suffer in silence. It's probably from childhood neglect where the child no longer feels he can ask for attention. If I want attention I have no problem saying to the man "I need you, NOW." They do respond to that, you know, haha. When I was engaged my fiance and I did not communicate for a month when I was traveling. We were both fine. 1
edgygirl Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Honestly I don't think I'm securely attached, and I'm finding out it makes me annoyed by lack of communication in early stages as it does to OP. I come here and post a lot because of that. When I have a boyfriend though, I calm down. When I know the guy is there for me I don't need constant communication, but until then... I do get needy. And yes, it can come from several things I think in my case although I have loving parents they were always busy when I was 0-5 and I suffered some kind of emotional neglect being raised by nannies. Curiously, the neediest people are the ones who stay quiet. They get anxious but suffer in silence. It's probably from childhood neglect where the child no longer feels he can ask for attention. If I want attention I have no problem saying to the man "I need you, NOW." They do respond to that, you know, haha. When I was engaged my fiance and I did not communicate for a month when I was traveling. We were both fine.
Gretchen12 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Edgygirl, (and OP), it's perfectly normal to wonder if a guy is into you in the beginning (he loves me...he loves me not), to feel good when you hear from him, and miss him when you don't. It's when it gets extreme that's unhealthy. Imo it is extreme when you need constant attention (several times a day), or you are afraid to initiate for fear of appearing needy, and to end it because you get extremely unhappy. These extremes show that the person is not functioning. There are always compromises, things not quite the way you like it. You just need to function enough to maintain a long term relationship. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 So, in september I started dating a guy and things were going fine, until when about three weeks ago he would stop texting me when he went out at night with friends. He always did that before, but as we got closer it started bothering me more. I decided to end things with him as I felt he was starting to disconnect. What is the problem with him not texting you while out with friends? I don't think it's unreasonable that he isn't in constant communication while with his friends. What is it you wanted him to tell you about while he was hanging out with his buddies? Personally, I don't see the issue with not being tethered to one's phone while socializing. I have never dealt well with men who expected me to keep up the texting while I was having fun with friends. I find that sort of behaviour clingy and annoying. And vice versa if I know my partner is out with his friends for the night. I don't wait by the phone for him to text me, and I don't send him messages indicating that he should be talking to me more. I might chat with him before he or I go out, but I don't expect to keep talking thereafter. If you are the type that prefers continuous communication, this isn't the guy for you. Reconnecting isn't going to change that. 1
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