Sheba Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 I am a divorced woman living with a divorced man. We have lived together for 5 years, and been in a relationship for 8 1/2. The past 3 years have been stress-filled for my partner: his ex-wife almost died, his mother did die, one of his sons has been diagnosed as schizophrenic, his father is delusional and troubled, and he has had to battle with his ex-wife for access visits with his youngest son. All of these tragedies in his life have been very difficult for him and for me too, as I feel his pain and do my best to help. However. I feel as if I have become the whipping post for my stressed partner. He gets explosively angry at me frequently. Sometimes for things I think might be objectively annoying, and sometimes for very trivial things - for example, because I was in a pout because he was watching TV and I tried to insist that he interact with me instead. Each explosion gains momentum and feeds the next - he has now made a number of rules, for example that I am not supposed to tell him about my feelings, and I am not supposed to ask for him to spend time with me. He frequently calls me stupid, pathetic, juvenile and crazy. He thinks nothing of telling me to "shut up" or "**** off" and says things like "I don't need you" and "you have ruined my life" I have done him no "real" harm that would justify such anger or resentment. I am insecure and make snide comments occasionally. I don't always entirely pick up my end of the household obligations. I do not lie, cheat or steal. I am a smart and kind person, who has sincerely made good efforts to comfort and assist my partner in dealing with his troubles. He does thank me for those efforts sometimes, but of course when he is angry he belittles that goodwill too, saying "so what" and "I don't need your help" or "I expect you to do all of that, big deal". I am now reduced to feeling completely insecure and to try to give myself all the reassurance that I am a person deserving love and respect which I might ordinarily get from my partner. This is a hard thing to do on your own and in the face of these rages that occur more than once a week. I wonder if his troubled life will settle down but by that time he will have so little respect for me that I will have shared all these sorrows only to be dumped. I do have two children that live with my partner and I and so leaving the relationship and moving would NOT be easy. Any help? Am I fool to stay? Would I be a fool to leave after all I have invested?
Moai Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 Easy or not, split. He's abusive, and it'll only get worse.
Kitteney Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 People who stay with abusive partners typically do until they decide they have had enough. Only you can decide for sure. But I suspect that since you are asking you are close to that point. No matter how hard it is to leave, uprooting your life and children won't be as traumatic as allowing them to watch their mother be abused. Verbally or physically. No amount of love is going to change this man. It will only get worse. If you can't muster the courage to do it for yourself, then do it for your children. It is difficult to be a good mother if you are six feet under or sitting in a jail cell.
Candy Cane Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 What do you think your children think of this relationship? How will it affect the way that they have relationships later on in life? If they see their mother taking abuse from a boyfriend (you're not even married to the guy) do you think they might find this pattern of behavior acceptable later in their own lives? I think so. I think you need to pack up, take your children and get the hell out of there. I also think you should tell your children why you are leaving and explain to them what a healthy relationship should be like. Personally, I don't think people should live together until they are married. Your children are apt to do the same things that you are doing so please be aware of how your actions affect them. So how are you going to do this? If you don't have a family member to turn to, perhaps you should consider a battered woman's shelter. They have them everywhere. Perhaps show up to one of the Katrina shelters and say you're from New Orleans (just a little harmless joke here). I really think you need to get away. There are options for you. Maybe contact your church. Sometimes they will help you get into an apartment. As far as your man is concerned, I think he needs professional counseling to deal with his anger. It doesn't mean that you two can never be in a relationship again. But you shouldn't so long as he is abusing you in any way or makeing you feel less than you are. But even if he does get help, I wouldn't go moving in with him right away. Take things slow...see how they go. Then get married...and then move in. Just what I think.
Author Sheba Posted September 16, 2005 Author Posted September 16, 2005 I would not have guessed that the responses would be so emphatic. I think both my partner and I have invented reasons to explain our behaviour. In my mind he is a stressed person taking out his stress on me. In his mind he is dealing with a demanding person who needs to learn not to be so demanding. Apparently, the way you see it, he is an abusive person. We have gone to a meeting with a counsellor. I think the counsellor got a sense of what is going on between us. This counsellor is a person that my partner knows and trusts. I was considering going to another session and then suggesting that my partner go see the counsellor alone. I have a feeling that if this particular counsellor, who happens to be a man, is alone with my partner he will be very direct and my partner might listen. Am I too optimistic?
Candy Cane Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 We have gone to a meeting with a counsellor. I think the counsellor got a sense of what is going on between us. This counsellor is a person that my partner knows and trusts. I was considering going to another session and then suggesting that my partner go see the counsellor alone. I have a feeling that if this particular counsellor, who happens to be a man, is alone with my partner he will be very direct and my partner might listen. Am I too optimistic? I think that if you're going to go through so much effort for the guy, that you should marry him. If he's not worthy enough for marriage, why bother with all this couples counseling? Just leave.
Author Sheba Posted September 16, 2005 Author Posted September 16, 2005 Candycane I am grateful that you are willing to respond to my inquiry., though I think you are a little sidetracked by our marital status. I don't think that marriage would help us resolve these issues. If we could get over these monumental problems, I would consider marriage, absolutely. It would be foolish to get married now. I am wondering if I should stick around and try to solve this problem. I think that I need help seeing my situation for what it is - is it worth the effort? The effort would have to involve a counsellor. We are at an impasse.
Candy Cane Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Candycane I am grateful that you are willing to respond to my inquiry., though I think you are a little sidetracked by our marital status. I don't think that marriage would help us resolve these issues. If we could get over these monumental problems, I would consider marriage, absolutely. It would be foolish to get married now. I am wondering if I should stick around and try to solve this problem. I think that I need help seeing my situation for what it is - is it worth the effort? The effort would have to involve a counsellor. We are at an impasse. You're right on the fact that I am sidetracked about the marriage thing. I don't think marriage is going to solve your problems, but you don't have much to work with here without a commitment. Relationships start to crumble when there is no foundation. A commitment is your foundation. I personally think you should move out, work on your issues, establish a commitment and then move back in. Otherwise, I think you're going to frustrate your purpose. That's just what I think. Good luck to you!
Shandy Posted September 18, 2005 Posted September 18, 2005 I think it's hard to leave any relationship, even an abusive one, when you've invested so much time into it already. My advice for you is to develop a life outside of him first. Make new friends, work out, get new hobbies, and in the mean time evaluate whether you really want to stay with him. If the answer is no, then at least you will be stronger when the time comes. The breakup will be easier on you emotionally when you have a better life outside of him.
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