Giraffe-A Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Not sure about this. He did have an opportunity to be with her, but he didn’t. It could very well mean he likes her as a friend or she was not available. Either of these scenarios could be why he went back to you. That would be something for you to figure out because if she does become available, don’t be surprised if he bails on you.
Gretchen12 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 We actually ended up having a good Christmas apart from this girl texting him. He ended up getting me a really expensive present and I spent 3 days with him and his family for Christmas. He said all he did was sleep and work so that’s why he didn’t text me. I explained to him he needs to text me and let me know if he’s too busy in work to reply. Since then he has been texting me everyday without fail so he listened to me I guess. Yeah I kind of knew you'd change your tune as soon as he contacts you. This is quite typical and it's a long term problem when you are ready to end it when you didn't hear from him, and you're happy when he contacts you. This means your fate is entirely in his hands. All he has to do is withhold contact for a day or two and you're down in the pits again. You really should think before talking about ending it. People stop taking you seriously when you flip flop.
preraph Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 He was interested in her before, but she wasn't interested in him that way, so he's just spinning his wheels with her anyway.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 Not sure about this. He did have an opportunity to be with her, but he didn’t. It could very well mean he likes her as a friend or she was not available. Either of these scenarios could be why he went back to you. That would be something for you to figure out because if she does become available, don’t be surprised if he bails on you. So you think he’s just with me because he can’t be with her? I would hope not given we’ve been together for nearly 2 years. That would suck if he’s settling on me. For 2 YEARS!! When we broke up, they did hook up sort of but she wasn’t comfortable going through with sex so they never ended up sleeping together. That only happened once and for whatever reason they didn’t do it again. I would hope he means it when he says he loves me that he wouldn’t just bail so easily on a 2 year relationship for a girl he had a fling with?! He seems genuine in his love for me, I could tell if someone is lying when they say they love you but he really seems to mean it.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 He was interested in her before, but she wasn't interested in him that way, so he's just spinning his wheels with her anyway. Hmm she was interested in him too. They both admitted they liked each other at that time and sort of hooked up but didn’t go through with sex because she didn’t feel comfortable for whatever reason. Spinning his wheels, what does that mean?
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 Doesn't matter who set the boundary, there was one set whether it was volunteered or not, and he should keep his word.....that's where you come in and remind him. IMO she contacted him because she was lonely and his attention makes her feel wanted and desired. She was looking for a little fix. As another poster pointed out, is it possible he’s just with me because he can’t be with her? I mean 2 years is a long time to be settling for someone so I hope not but that really made me think. Maybe he’s hoping for another chance with her?
Versacehottie Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 The Art of War recommends that you keep your friends close & your enemies closer. That may be good advice for you. You do need to realize that your problem is with your BF not this OW. If it wasn't her, it'd be somebody else. If you don't trust him --especially because his behavior doesn't exactly instill confidence -- you need to figure out if you really have a relationship. Although the idea that he lies to you because he knows telling you the truth is going to cause you to freak out & he doesn't want to deal is BS on some level, give serious thought to how you do react. If he has a point, recognize that you were a factor in this; your SO should be able to tell you anything, even the stuff you don't want to hear. Still him lying to you about the frequency of his contact with her is the part I couldn't get past in your shoes. Agree totally. I would also add that IF IT WASN'T THIS ISSUE, IT WOULD BE "SOMETHING" ELSE. OP, claims that her issue from her last very recent thread is resolved and not days later there is this current issue from this thread. So the trust level is super low: i would say it's either founded or UNFOUNDED. In other words it's either your gut, intuition and things that don't add up or you just want to control everything for reassurance and have the tendency to be very insecure. Which is it, OP? At some point, you have to get with the program that you CANNOT control everything and trust with have to take over or the relationship will fail.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 Agree totally. I would also add that IF IT WASN'T THIS ISSUE, IT WOULD BE "SOMETHING" ELSE. OP, claims that her issue from her last very recent thread is resolved and not days later there is this current issue from this thread. So the trust level is super low: i would say it's either founded or UNFOUNDED. In other words it's either your gut, intuition and things that don't add up or you just want to control everything for reassurance and have the tendency to be very insecure. Which is it, OP? At some point, you have to get with the program that you CANNOT control everything and trust with have to take over or the relationship will fail. I don’t know which it is, which is why I’m posting here for advice. I could be overreacting it’s possible. I would say the last few months of the relationship I have gotten more insecure. But I don’t feel like he should be lying to me, even if this is innocent with this girl, the fact he lies to me makes me think it’s not innocent and that I can’t trust his word, in regards to this girl anyway.
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 I don’t know which it is, which is why I’m posting here for advice. I could be overreacting it’s possible. I would say the last few months of the relationship I have gotten more insecure. But I don’t feel like he should be lying to me, even if this is innocent with this girl, the fact he lies to me makes me think it’s not innocent and that I can’t trust his word, in regards to this girl anyway. Bolded is THE problem. Everything else is minor in comparison. He LIES to you. Full stop. Deal with that and everything else will fall in place. ps you might not like how you need to deal with it (i.e. you might need to end it). I would add that it is not uncommon for guys who are being badgered by insecure or jealous girlfriends to lie (little white ones) to avoid that drama. Not saying it's right but if it applies to you work on not being one of those. Basically you both need to improve trust with each other. He needs to know he can be honest with you without an inquisition and endless pit of insecurity. If he cannot and will not be honest in spite of this, then you should probably break up with him. Dishonesty is a character trait. (same as insecurity and a tendency to be jealous). In your other thread, i mentioned that you were dancing around the possible infidelity issue the whole thread. While i don't think it's wrong to ask for opinions here on the board, i wonder if you just want to feed your insecurity and racing thoughts by creating this thread to debate the "other girl" issue. If it sounds like i'm being hard on you, it's because i think deep down you KNOW the answer in your gut. It is either that you are insecure and always looking for more assurance OR you have good reason to be uneasy, i.e. your boyfriend is not trustworthy. At some point, you will have to DO something or have something DONE to you. Note to add that often continued suspicion that a bf is cheating etc or dealing with an insecure girlfriend is the catalyst that drives them to cheat (they are already being accused of it, tired of being smothered and feeding an endless pit of insecurity, losing attraction to the insecure gf in their life and this may be the next obvious step). I'd suggest you figure out quickly what your gut is telling you so you don't waste anymore of your time (either on the wrong person or driving the right person away). Good luck 2
butwhytho Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 He’s keeping his options open. She’s his plan b girl for now.
Malin889 Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 Have you ever felt this way in other relationships?
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 From my experience with hook ups and FWB, men stop talking to me once they get serious with the new gf. They only re-start communication when relationship is about to end for whatever reason. Not to cheat but to secure a plan B.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 He’s keeping his options open. She’s his plan b girl for now. Hmm I don’t know. Why would he need a plan b?
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 Have you ever felt this way in other relationships? The only other relationships I’ve had lasted a few months so I didn’t get too deep in those to feel this way I suppose or maybe I just wasn’t that into them. This is the longest relationship I’ve had. Plus this is the first guy I think I properly love. I’m 23.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 (edited) The only reason I'd freak out over a female texting my bf is if they were on flirty terms. Any other just work colleague, I wouldn't care. Whether you have experience w/relationships or not, there are boundaries when it comes to dealing w/old flings or crushes. Btw had you not seen the text, he wouldn't have told you they were texting... Edited January 2, 2019 by I'veseenbetterlol
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 From my experience with hook ups and FWB, men stop talking to me once they get serious with the new gf. They only re-start communication when relationship is about to end for whatever reason. Not to cheat but to secure a plan B. Not really sure about this. We have no plans of breaking up. Not that I know of anyway. He doesn’t seem on the verge of dumping me. In fact he says the opposite he doesn’t want to lose me, and doesn’t want to break up with me because he loves me. And they haven’t really restarted communication they’ve been speaking on and off for the past year at least and I’m still in a relationship with him he hasn’t dumped me so I’m not sure?
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 The only reason I'd freak out over a female texting my bf is if they were on flirty terms. Any other just work colleague' date=' I wouldn't care. Whether you have experience w/relationships or not, there are boundaries when it comes to dealing w/old flings or crushes. Btw had you not seen the text, he wouldn't have told you they were texting...[/quote'] I don’t know what terms they are on. I haven’t seen the texts apart from one. Yeah pretty much he would never of told me and I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t seen by accident. I freaked out then because I recognised this girl from before and I knew they had previously liked each other. They’re not work colleagues now, they just text it seems.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 (edited) I would add that it is not uncommon for guys who are being badgered by insecure or jealous girlfriends to lie (little white ones) to avoid that drama. Not saying it's right but if it applies to you work on not being one of those. Basically you both need to improve trust with each other. He needs to know he can be honest with you without an inquisition and endless pit of insecurity. If he cannot and will not be honest in spite of this, then you should probably break up with him. Dishonesty is a character trait. (same as insecurity and a tendency to be jealous). {snip} Not sure I agree with everything you’ve said here. I may be insecure but I definitely do not accuse him of cheating or even tell him what I wrote here. Most of the time he doesn’t know any of this. So no I don’t think I’m smothering him or accusing him. And I also don’t believe being insecure would drive a person to cheat. You’re either a cheater or you’re not. I know I wouldn’t be driven to cheat if my boyfriend was insecure, it would still be against my morals. If he thinks I’m too insecure the solution would be to break up with me not cheat. I’m not trying to feed insecurity. I was asking for advice on whether I should speak to him about it or just let it go. Edited January 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
olivetree Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 I agree with you that only a certain type of person would be driven to cheat by an insecure partner. So yes, you could be someone who has trust issues who also happens to be with someone untrustworthy who exacerbates those issues. Whether or not you have trust issues, you should be with someone trustworthy!! I think that this relationship does not make you feel secure, and rightly so. He lies to you about his communication with another woman - red flag. He goes MIA for days at a time - red flag. This relationship lacks stability / consistency. It feels great when he's with you and he is loving, but that feeling of security doesn't last. You just start to feel safe and something comes up again - either he's not answering your text or he's texting this other girl. So it's up to you whether or not you want to put up with this lack of consistency and lying, both which do not promote security. Btw, feeling secure is probably the most important aspect of a relationship. When you can just live your life without constantly overthinking your relationship - it's the best.
Malin889 Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 . I’m not trying to feed insecurity. I was asking for advice on whether I should speak to him about it or just let it go. Do you think if you let it go, that you’ll still be thinking about it? It’s always good to get things off your chest, even if it opens up a can of worms. It’ll probably make you feel better.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 Do you think if you let it go, that you’ll still be thinking about it? It’s always good to get things off your chest, even if it opens up a can of worms. It’ll probably make you feel better. Well I suppose I did speak to him about it on Christmas Eve. He just said he didn’t tell me because he doesn’t want me to freak out and leave him. I think he was just to reassure me by the way he was talking. He kept saying he loves me, I’m his future, I’m the love of his life. So I let it go at Christmas and we spent a good time together on the holidays. I guess I just thought about it again and wanted others advice.
Versacehottie Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Not sure I agree with everything you’ve said here. I may be insecure but I definitely do not accuse him of cheating or even tell him what I wrote here. Most of the time he doesn’t know any of this. So no I don’t think I’m smothering him or accusing him. And I also don’t believe being insecure would drive a person to cheat. You’re either a cheater or you’re not. I know I wouldn’t be driven to cheat if my boyfriend was insecure, it would still be against my morals. If he thinks I’m too insecure the solution would be to break up with me not cheat. I’m not trying to feed insecurity. I was asking for advice on whether I should speak to him about it or just let it go. But wasn't the answer you got about it over christmas sufficient? If it was, then why the need to poll strangers? And speak to him about it again. Means you either don't believe him or are behaving insecurely. I don't expect you to agree with me because what you would do and what i would do are different things (much like most people). Which is also why you shouldn't filter what HE would do through the mind of what YOU would do with regards to cheating. I didn't say it was a foregone conclusion that he would cheat but that it is what happens sometimes when a guy is repeatedly in a situation where he is being accused of it anyway. Plus did i didn't only say he might cheat due to that but would be driven away--which is very common, meaning he would get sick of the drama and reassuring you and choose to break up. If you actually believe that what he SHOULD do and what he DOES are the same things, then why don't you believe him when he tells you there is nothing to worrying about with this girl? (just a note, that probably 99% of the posts here on this site with regards to dating are because what a person should do and they actually do are different--which goes both ways with regard to fidelity, honesty and trusting the other person--meaning he could argue the same thing "i'm with her so she SHOULD trust me"). If i could tell (and we are strangers) that you were hinting around about the other girl WITHOUT ever mentioning her in your other thread, he who knows you too for two years could probably do the same. I would recommend you talk to him about it again. I would recommend if you get the same answer the burden then is on you to decide if you a) believe him b) do not. If you do, then drop it from now on. If you do not, then break up with him. It's simple. You are making it difficult. I suspect it's because you are insecure but i have no idea if it is founded or unfounded. If it's founded then your real solution is to break up with him. Lastly, i know you believe that you are hiding insecurity or feeling a certain way from him. However, since 70-80% of communication is nonverbal and your thoughts drive your actions (for example what was going on in your mind regarding him disappearing on you for days and talking to you about presents, you reacted like someone who has the bigger problems going on in your mind not like a normal gf with no bf problems). It's affecting you and thus your relationship. You just aren't ready to admit that to yourself. It's ok, just talk to him and that's why i say to do that. You might be hiding the exact thoughts going on in your head but not how you think and feel about the status of your relationship. That's a fallacy. Goodluck 1
Malin889 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Well I suppose I did speak to him about it on Christmas Eve. He just said he didn’t tell me because he doesn’t want me to freak out and leave him. I think he was just to reassure me by the way he was talking. He kept saying he loves me, I’m his future, I’m the love of his life. So I let it go at Christmas and we spent a good time together on the holidays. I guess I just thought about it again and wanted others advice. I think if it's bothering you, you should talk to him about it.
LadybugLucy Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 I haven’t read all of the responses, so I don’t know if this has been mentioned.... I suggest meeting her. Tell him that you would like for her and maybe even her bf to meet y’all for coffee or perhaps even go on a double date (something like bowling). You will be able to tell whether they are just friends or not by their interactions with each other. If he refuses to introduce the two of you, then I would be concerned that they are more than friends.
Author Bettyboo456 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 I think if it's bothering you, you should talk to him about it. Hmm I don’t want to keep bringing it up if it’s nothing. That would be annoying. Plus I’m not so sure that even if he did like her more than a friend that he would tell me. He’s already lying to “protect” me in case I freak out that they talk so not sure I would even get the truth. So it’s pointless.
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