Nukem Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Hi all and Happy new year. I got divorced 7 years ago because of an OM who helped my ex to escaped our unhappy marriage. They tried to live together as far as I know, but it didn't work. Now, 7 years later there are indications that they are dating again and were on a few holidays. So I looked in the past and I realized that success stories of OW/OM are not so rare. The first is the father of a classmate and good friend of mine. He abandoned his wife with two children when they were 17-19 years old. He did it because of a former girlfriend, who had one son. It was about 24 years ago and they are still together. I also have colleague. His mother divorced his father because of a former boyfriend, old love does not get rust. My colleague stayed at his father's home and his younger brother lived with their mom and her OM. She lived with the OM till he died of cancer several years ago. A divorced friend of my ex, with one daughter started dating with married colleague with 2 daughters. He divorced and move to her flat. Now they have 2 boys. Today I had coffee with a friend and he told about his friends, a man and a woman with 2 daughters. They were their first to each other, very long relationship, more then 20-25 years. They were role models, so to speak. And the guy broke up because of a younger woman. They have a baby now. I read here and I recalled those stories because I was wondering whether the love between my ex and her OM will work out. I do not try to convince that affairs are good. Moreover, those stories are from Eastern Europe. Here people are Orthodox Christians, and many of them do not get marry, they prefer to live together without making vows. I guess this makes difference. Do you know similar stories? 2
independentwoman Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 While these may seem like success stories, I noticed all the ones you posted there are children involved. Nobody talks about it much on here, but children of a divorce caused by infidelity suffer a lifetime of issues because of the way their parents marriage broke up. Divorce in itself causes children to have issues, but add infidelity into the mix and it's just that much worse. Many many cheaters are children of cheaters. Many many betrayed spouses are children of cheaters (their pickers get broken when daddy or mommy break up the family) People on here don't seem to even take this into consideration. No, people shouldn't stay in miserable relationships, but if they are truly miserable, don't have an affair, end it with integrity and honesty, and always put the children first. 4
Author Nukem Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 don't have an affair, end it with integrity and honesty, and always put the children first. Your'e right. In fact I do not know how they ended their marriages. Was there affair first and divorce second? Or they first ended the marriage and then started the new relationship.
Arieswoman Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Nukem, I think it all depends on what you class as 'sucess' ? You say that "I got divorced 7 years ago because of an OM who helped my ex to escaped our unhappy marriage." If the marriage was 'unhappy' and your ex used another man as an 'escape' then that says a lot about her problem-solving skills (or lack of them). This is why so many relationships that start as adulterous liasons fail, because at least one of the parties is trying to run away from issues and not take responsibility for their part in the relationship. In any event, whatever your ex is doing now should not concern you. It doesn't affected you as you now have a new life and the opportunity to meet a genuine woman who will take a relationship seriously. Good luck.x 1
Author Nukem Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 If the marriage was 'unhappy' and your ex used another man as an 'escape' then that says a lot about her problem-solving skills (or lack of them). We married young, and we were first to each other. For me it was happy, for her not so happy I proposed her MC or divorce, as advised by Loveshack, and she chose the second. And yeah, I try not to be concerned by what she is doing.
somanymistakes Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 While these may seem like success stories, I noticed all the ones you posted there are children involved. Nobody talks about it much on here, but children of a divorce caused by infidelity suffer a lifetime of issues because of the way their parents marriage broke up. Life causes a lifetime of issues. I'm not trying to undercut you and say that divorce has no effect on the kids. It obviously does! Divorce can be an incredibly traumatic experience for children. Except other times, it isn't. Sometimes the kids are crushed by the breakup. Sometimes the kids are desperately relieved by the breakup. Sometimes the kids are outraged by discovering their parents cheated. Sometimes they honestly don't care and are more concerned about how it affects them. Some kids of cheaters will grow up to be cheaters. Some won't. Some kids of non-cheaters will grow up to be cheaters. Some won't. Divorce (and infidelity) are so common that we can't draw meaningful conclusions from any of this. In terms of infidelity specifically affecting children, the main issue I'm aware of is please don't make your children lie for you. That does seem to seriously mess people up. Don't try to make your kids lie to their other parent about your affair. DON'T sneakily involve your kids in your affair by introducing them to the AP while it's still an affair! That holds true whether you actually tell them 'this is my secret boyfriend/girlfriend' or not. Kids can sometimes figure out that you're cheating, and if they do and they don't know what to do about it, that can be deeply upsetting to them as they work through the loyalty problem - do I tattle on mommy or do I let mommy keep hurting daddy? And if you never tell them what's going on, never talk to them about it, they may burn with resentment forever about the situation you put them in which you don't even know about. Don't lie to your kids, don't make your kids lie for you. OBVIOUSLY it is better to end a relationship with dignity and without cheating. But if you're already at that point and it's too late to take back now, better to worry about how to fix things going ahead than to think "well, my kids are messed up for life, oh well". 2
Lotus_Luna Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 I suppose it depends what your idea of success is. My OM hasn’t ever expressed a deairw to legitimize our relationship. Sex isnt an option either. But he has been healing for me and supportive. Thats successful to me. Its not that we need to be married, its the journey. We both had opportunities to feel loved and safe. We both made a deep friendship. My marriage was done emotionally before the affair, but i wasnt strong enough to fight back. His support helped me stand up for myself and my children. I have no idea what will happen with his, and I dont ask. 1
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