ex girlfriend cheating on me with her new boyfriend...2 years after break up

[Normm]

I did tell her to ditch the guy or she gets nothing from me, but she acted like I said nothing.

 

That's because you said she'd get nothing from you and then she got something from you (the sex). It makes you lose credibility because you say one thing and do something completely opposite.

 

Do you realize that every poster is telling you something opposite from what you want and expect to hear and you're defending yourself and arguing with each and every one?

[masonjar24]

Meaning, your generic advice does not apply to all situations. This situation is complex. I am not rationalizing the behavior or saying it is okay, you are crazy for real. Why you keep going there is beyond me. I am only trying to derive answers as to WHY it may be happening and what MIGHT happen in the near future. Trying to understand WHY she would do all this, years after breaking up. That's the whole point of this forum you know?

[elaine567]

Seems to me then people decide to get involved with two people it is usually because individually they are not "enough".

If they could cut them both in two and make a new person out of the good parts of each, then they would be happy.

 

Here he is the good boyfriend, you provide the good sex.

Neither of you contributes "enough", so when she realises that, she will likely move on to someone completely different who ticks more of her boxes.

[2much4]

My take on this is this is some kind of twisted revenge...she's using you for sex after you broke her heart....making you feel second best to her boyfriend. She's not even pretending to like you, she's just using you like some kind of sex toy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not true.. Women need to be satisfied sexually from their partner. <snip>

 

There are plenty of cases of good, loyal women, who end up cheating because they just aren't satisfied. That's why it's so important for people to connect on a physcial level as well as a mental one. She isn't doing this just for the thrill. It's much deeper I believe. Though I could be wrong.

 

Dude, I am a woman. Sexual satisfaction is only part of the equation; evidently, she is satisfied in other ways with him or she'd have made herself single so she could date you again. That hasn't happened. You need to ask yourself why that is. Sure, you're good for a little fun between the sheets. Apparently that's where it stops for her.

 

Heck, have at it if you want, but don't be shocked when it doesn't work out the way you're hoping. As elaine mentioned, the most likely scenario will be that she eventually ditches both you and the boyfriend when she meets someone she considers to be the total package. Neither of you is that to her, sadly, or she wouldn't be having sex with you and going home to him.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Normm]

Realize that you are calling a well-meaning internet advice giver "crazy" simply because his perspective differs from yours. Perhaps more introspection is in order.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[masonjar24]

It seemed more bitter or spiteful then well-meaning. You continuously make the claim I am rationalizing her behavior, when I never did. That's insane. That is why I called you crazy bud. Nothing to do with opposing views. I am simply telling you guys a story and looking for feedback as to what could be her thought process and why this may be happening. You gave absolutely no good feedback, you just talked **** and made claims that weren't true. If I wanted to hear "shes no good, leave her" I wouldn't be on this forum. This is a multi-year story involving ex lovers and current lovers. It's not just some hoe cheating, though it is still very ****ty behavior from her.

 

 

 

I mean, knowing her and how she feels about cheating I assumed that she would come over, we would have sex, and that would be the straw that breaks the camels back. I figured she would break up with her boyfriend within a week. Though to my suprise when she arrives one of the first things she tells me is she isn't single. And also to my suprise as she was getting ready to leave she said she did not want to be pressured about getting back together. It all threw me off guard, so I come here to discuss the WHY, not just talk ****.

[Normm]

This is a multi-year story involving ex lovers and current lovers. It's not just some hoe cheating, though it is still very ****ty behavior from her.

I see. So because you knew her before and you knew her for years, it's somehow more "ok" that she's cheating on her boyfriend with you and it is not a reflection on her character as a whole.

 

I see a whole lot of rationalization and justification on your part, and nothing but defensiveness and name calling when you don't agree with what is being said. Is this how you act when there's conflict in a relationship? The other person is crazy and insane because they don't agree with you and their opinions do not reflect reality as you see it?

If I wanted to hear "shes no good, leave her" I wouldn't be on this forum.

Then don't be here. Read some threads. People aren't always going to respond the way you want them to or expect them to. You'll be surprised how often this exact advice is dispensed to a poster who is clearly not in a healthy relationship.

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[d0nnivain]

My question:

 

What are your general thoughts on this?

What can I do to win her back at this point, if even possible?

Do you think it is over between her and I, or that things changed after we had sex?

Where should I go from here, in your opinion?

 

I'm a big believer that if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. You did the honorable, although stupid, thing of breaking up with L before running back to H. L is not doing that. She's cheating. What does that say about the person you thought she was?

 

Is H's baby yours BTW? I missed part of this story about her getting / being pregnant?

 

With regard to L I think after the holidays are over it's ultimatum time. Get her to meet up with you. Apologize again for breaking up with her to go back to H. Remind her of the begging messages she sent. Remind her that if things were all that fabulous with her current BF she wouldn't keep hanging around you. Then tell her that you want her back -- a full on relationship but she has to break up with her BF that you don't do the whole cheating thing. Remember you took the high road & broke with L before getting back with H. I don't think you are strong enough to say no to B when she comes knocking on your bedroom door but if you want to be the BF again instead of just the boytoy/ booty call you must

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nolanola]

d0nnivain is spot on here...I'm sure there are some stories about people who started sleeping with someone casually and it led to a serious and committed relationship. But far more often one person gets their heart absolutely smashed. I don't think she has any interest in leaving her current boyfriend, to be honest. The best way to tell if she would do that would be to give her a gentle ultimatum. Tell her you still love her and want to be with her, but can't continue cheating with her. See what she says and more importantly, what she does. You guys seem to want different things. You want a relationship and she wants to have a causal hookup outside her relationship.

 

As far as opinions that you get on this board, people respond through the view of their own experiences. You will not always like what people have to say, maybe because it's something you don't want to accept (like that she is using you for sex -- not saying this is definitely going on, but a possibility). Often when we're emotionally entangled in a situation, we can't see things clearly.

[Lotsgoingon]

The idea of "winning back" someone with gifts is for the movies--old movies, out-of-date movies.

 

Gifts are the traditional male way of courting a woman from the old days when men and women often didn't a real chance to know each other. Rich guys and kings give women all kinds of expensive gifts ... and that means nothing for the relationship. They cheat on the woman and dump her for the next young thing that comes along--and they'll shower her with gifts as well. We wouldn't have tabloids and celebrity stories if gifts (even expensive ones) were the key to good relationships.

 

The only thing you're courting here is disaster. This woman has shown a complete lack of character strength--not just in the moral sense of cheating with you, but also in the practical sense. She doesn't have the maturity and courage and negotiation skills and self-control that a good relationship requires.

 

Say you guys get back together ... you encounter a problem (as all relationships do) ... need to figure out a compromise (as all good relationships do) ... or simply need to endure a bad patch (as always relationships must in order to survive) ... she's not going to have the strength to negotiate and work things out. She has shown that she's gonna take some easy way out. Withdraw and/or cheat.

 

And at every problem you hit in the relationship, heck every down mood she has, YOU are going to worry about her wanting to cheat--on you! You'd be spectacularly naive not to.

 

The sexual satisfaction you are so comfortable in thinking you can provide--nice ... Absolutely wonderful to have that connection, especially at the start. But what are you going to do for the other 23 hours of the day?

[Normm]

This one was one that was clearly a step above the rest.

 

That’s not saying much.

[DKT3]

Seems to me then people decide to get involved with two people it is usually because individually they are not "enough".

If they could cut them both in two and make a new person out of the good parts of each, then they would be happy.

 

Here he is the good boyfriend, you provide the good sex.

Neither of you contributes "enough", so when she realises that, she will likely move on to someone completely different who ticks more of her boxes.

 

I think it's much simpler than that in this situation. I think she is playing a game. She got what she wanted and is backing away. She will repeat this process as long as OP allows it or her boyfriend catches her. This is more of the males approach to affairs.

[Giraffe-A]

I don’t know how to quote on here yet,

but, you met her after your first breakup right? As much as you liked her, you still went back to your ex gf. This girl said she would never return if you chose to go back. She kept her word.

She’s now with this new dude and lets say she decided to dump him for you, she will remember you left her for another girl. She will eventually go back to him. Sex may be good but she has managed to form an emotional bond with this guy. Idk, if you feel that strongly about her, nothing any of us can say will change your mind. Do what you gotta fo.

[masonjar24]

I'm a big believer that if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. You did the honorable, although stupid, thing of breaking up with L before running back to H. L is not doing that. She's cheating. What does that say about the person you thought she was?

 

Is H's baby yours BTW? I missed part of this story about her getting / being pregnant?<snip>

Thanks, this is some of the best advice/answers I have received. You have a point when you say "What does that say about the person you thought she was?". I have been asking myself this over and over. In my life I have seen girls on the cusp of a breakup cheat on their partner, usually breaking up with him right after ( or within a week or so). I figured that would happen here, but it has not. Though, to be fair, it is the holidays and maybe she didn't want to break up with him or continue this during the holidays. Though, I just saw on her snapchat that she is celebrating NYE with him and her friends. She seems happy as can be with him. Makes me think nolanola below me is correct. She doesn't want to leave him, and likely won't. Definitely not for me.

 

No, H's baby is not mine. I have no kids. Me and H got back together in September 2016 and broke up before 2017 began. She popped in and out of my life until around April 2018. Though I never think about her, she would occasionally drunk call/text me telling me how she missed me. I was told through other people a couple months ago that she is pregnant. Best of luck to her.

 

I agree, and thank you for the advice. I should probably set a light ultimatum and make it be known. I have more than enough power to tell her no more unless she breaks up with her current bf. Though what if she sees that as pushy? And if I can just be patient with this I can perhaps get her back eventually, and keep her this time. I don't get many opportunities with women and she is out of my league by most standards, so I don't want to blow this as if I have any other opportunities in the near future.

 

d0nnivain is spot on here...I'm sure there are some stories about people who started sleeping with someone casually and it led to a serious and committed relationship. <snip>

Like I said above, I think you are right. I don't think she want's to leave him. She said to me she 'obviously has doubts, but she doesn't know what is going to happen'. A part of me wants to hang on to that for dear life. A part of me want's to tell her that she needs to make up her mind.

 

And yeah, I know she is using me for sex. As a guy, it could be worse lol. But it isn't what I want. Sex doesn't even excite me much. I just want her at the end of the day, and that's not what I get. It's what he gets. I probably should tell her this has to stop. But she hasn't said a damn word to me since Wednesday. She is probably waiting for me to say something of the sort.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[nolanola]

One of the things that has been hardest for me is to focus on what I need and want. You mention above that you could give her a light ultimatum but are worried about seeming "too pushy". I do this too: I worry about how someone else will respond to me when I stand up for myself or try to pursue what I want.

 

Here's the thing: if you want to avoid being someone's fallback, you have to stand up for yourself. Yes, they may not like it. My therapist always says don't expect someone to throw a parade for you when you set a boundary. You haven't had any up to this point and this woman feels like she can get what she wants from you. By setting a boundary or standing up for yourself, you are taking some of the power back and putting yourself first. She probably won't like it, but she will respect it (even if she seems pissed). As long as you aren't mean about it, you SHOULD put your feelings first and don't let your fear of her reaction stop you.

 

A lot of us are scared to rock the boat. We think we'd rather stay quiet, accept total crap, and have the person we love in our lives in tiny pieces. We are scared to stand up for ourselves because then they might walk away and we'll have none of them at all. But, that will ultimately erode our self esteem and make us lose respect from the one we're trying to hold onto.

[kzeddd]

Nolanola is spot on.

 

The more you bend to her every beck and whim, the more she feels like she has you in the palm of her hands. Why then does she have to take any more steps to making sure you stay hers?

 

The power dynamic is so very important. Focus on yourself. Let her know that you care for her, but show her that you don't need her. You are strong and successful on your own.

 

DO NOT have sex with her again unless it is on your terms. It'll be tough, but you gotta remind yourself of the end goal. When she texts you again, wait a couple of days and let her know about your ultimatum. Good luck.