ex girlfriend cheating on me with her new boyfriend...2 years after break up

December 30, 2018

So this is a long story, stretching over a couple years, that I will try to distill into a somewhat short one. Any additional details needed just ask.

Background:

Its June 2016, and I am about 2 weeks out of the darkest and most toxic relationship I will ever be a part of (we will call her H). I'm at the park playing basketball when a gorgeous girl about my age waves at me, and we talk for a second. I ask for her water and she gives me her bottle. I was intrigued and ended up leaving a note on her car with my number. It worked, she texted me later that day telling me who she was. We will call her L.

L and I last for about 3 months (June to September). In late August we went on a last minute road trip out of state to the beach. On our way home, I started thinking about my ex and convinced myself I missed her. This was because she had been texting me telling me how she missed me. After getting home from vacation, I ended up breaking up with L so I could see my ex again, and try to get back with her. This I still today say was one of the worst decisions of my entire life. L was honest, sweet, caring, and we had a very healthy balanced relationship. I should have never left her.

I got back with my ex, H, and left L with a badly broken heart. She would send me long texts begging for me back, and even offering to just have sex if that's what I wanted. I never responded, trying to be loyal to H.L said to me many times that she would "never give me a second chance" if I left her for my ex, and of course I did just that.

Me and 'H' broke up (as always) before Christmas 2016. I was left with both women wanting nothing to do with me. It was a lonely Christmas. All of 2017 I tried to win L back, with no luck. I would send her gifts in the mail, leave her gifts on her car at work, etc. She would never reply, I was just doing this out of desperation. I really thought she was my soulmate. She was so honest and loyal to everyone in her life. I constantly talked to my friends and family how I lost "the one".

In 2018 I rediscovered myself. I had to build myself from the ground up and learned to love myself again. I picked up new hobbies, and picked up old ones too. Life has been great, though I have not been pursuing any relationship, only the pursuit of being content with myself.

Here is where things get interesting:

In April 2018, she randomly added me on snapchat. She needed me to help her fix her brakes on her car, since she is low on money and her boyfriend doesn't know cars well. I agree to help her. She comes over and I help fix her car. We talk and she tells me how happy she is in her new relationship, tells me I will eventually find the one. I ever dared even flirt with her because I did not want to step over boundaries. I was trying to be perfect.

Then in May 2018, L randomly sends me a sexual text, telling me she missed how I dominated her in bed. I responded but she told me she felt guilty for even sending the text but thought it would "make me happy to know she still thought about me like that".

So from May-December 2018 she started to gradually text me more. Though, she would only speak to me in sexual terms. Anything I would say that was "normal" or about relationships, songs, etc- she would ignore. Though she would respond to my sexual texts. And if I would go 2 weeks or so without texting her, she would hit me up saying she missed my sexual texts. Note: these were very graphic texts, not like usual sexting. They were very specific texts. I told her though, that I would not want to engage in any of the sexual behavior until she was single because I wanted it to be "pure". She never responded to those texts, not surprisingly.

Then, about a week before Christmas she started texting me back way faster, and much more often. Talking about actually meeting up sometime soon to make these sexts come to life. She told me she isn't satisfied sexually. She comes over Christmas eve after work, having only an hour to spare before she has dinner with her boyfriend. She told me we needed to therfore "make the most of our time". She said she was coming over for me to do "whatever I wanted to her" for an hour.

That's exactly what happened. She arrived, we both had a twisted tea, and then got busy in the bedroom. It was good sex, she left very satisfied.

Normally I would never condone or take part in any form of cheating. But I had been trying to win her heart back for 2 years, so I was not going to tell her no. She is happy with her current man, she just claims to not be sexually satisfied and she knows I can do that for her. She also said after sex that she "obviously has doubts" about her relationship with this guy. Also note that I have basically obsessed over this girl for years, so I'm not going to go down without a fight. If this is how I have to win her back, so be it. Sometimes you have to do things you do not want to do in order to get what you want.

Currently:

Since we hung out on Sunday, the 24th of December, I have not heard much from her. I tried sending her sexual messages, and she basically has ignored them. She did text me on Wednesday (4 days ago) saying, "sorry since it's the holidays i've been super busy and work was hell yesterday so i'm just now reading your texts because I slept all day..I enjoyed last time and can't wait to do it again! Please don't freak when I don't text back! Even though it kinda turns me on when you call me names :p"

That sounds promising, but it's been four days now. I have tried sending sexual texts that would normally always prompt a response, though she is not replying. A part of me thinks she changed her mind about me after hanging out. Another part of me fears I am over thinking because I have a tendency to do that.

My question:

What are your general thoughts on this?

What can I do to win her back at this point, if even possible?

Do you think it is over between her and I, or that things changed after we had sex?

Where should I go from here, in your opinion?

I feel like I worked 2 years to win her back, and was closer then ever, but may have lost my grip on her again.

Thank so much in advance for taking the time to read this all and respond.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

December 30, 2018

My thoughts on this is that you much need higher standards. This girl is low-quality: dishonest, self-serving, and disrespectful in the worst way.

You would never be able to trust her even if you somehow wound up dating again, as you now know she is capable of some spectacularly trashy behaviour.

Don't hold your breath for her, anyway. She's only looking for sex, and my prediction is you will be left in the dust when she gets close to being caught by her boyfriend. She is not girlfriend material, by a long shot, and you are going to learn that the hard way as she continues to use you for sex and go home to her boyfriend at night.

Seriously, OP. It's almost a new year. Re-evaluate your choices in women and get rid of the bad apples like this one.

December 30, 2018

Here’s my take:

You broke her heart. She knows she was second best to another woman because you chose T over her.

She has moved on and is in another relationship now.

Her getting you to want her is a way of “winning” yet keeping control. She got you to have sex with her, so she probably feels better that you still want her. Yet, she certainly doesn’t trust you not to break her heart again.

I would say there’s no way of winning her back. She doesn’t trust you. She’ll screw you while in another relationship, but I’d say that’s it.

Let her go and move on. She’ll string you along and you’ll wind up getting hurt.

December 30, 2018

What are your general thoughts on this? It sounds like she's got a nice little deal going. A loving, trustworthy, vanilla boyfriend who wont break her heart, and a rambunctious f-buddy on the side whenever she's looking for a dalliance.

A friend of mine dated a married woman for 2 years. She gradually stopped having sex with her husband as the affair went on, allegedly. She began to call her husband her "roommate." But she never left him either. My friend moved states after two years. I assume she found another sex partner to replace him. Still married.

What can I do to win her back at this point, if even possible? Tell her you don't want to engage with her when she's not single. Let her make the decision to be honorable and then go from there.

Do you think it is over between her and I, or that things changed after we had sex? Unknowable from the information you've provided. Possibly just the once was enough to sate her ego and her desires. Possibly not. But fall back all the way and you'll find out if she's truly interested.

Where should I go from here, in your opinion? Depart from her, keep working on you. See other people.

Edited December 30, 2018 by frankspeci

December 30, 2018

I know you are not going to give this up...like you said "Not without a fight". You feel by having sex with her this is your ticket to win her back, but in all honesty this is where you have no control. By having sex with her, you have given her all the control. She's going to be the one to call the shots. Like other posters mentioned, she has a good thing going on having the both of you. I suspect this guy has money or has a decent lifestyle she's comfortable with having.

The only way to have control is to set boundaries. If she wants you, she has to be completely broken of from her BF, so until them, no more sex or sexting. Trust me, if she has any intentions of being with you, she will quickly devolve that relationship in the new year. If not, you were a shelp, and got sucked into her web of self entitlement.

December 30, 2018

Even though you have fought for this girl after breaking her heart, I think that you will do it again when you realize that she is no longer that girl you met and with her cheating, you will not be able to let it go. She was determined not to take you back after you chose another woman for her. She may be unsatisfied with sex now, but seems like she now gets to have the part of you she wants while continuing her life with this other guy.

Best thing to do is help her by not confusing her and let her deal with your relationship. Otherwise, you will be in her place as you left her before.

December 30, 2018

My thoughts on this is that you much need higher standards. This girl is low-quality: dishonest, self-serving, and disrespectful in the worst way.

You would never be able to trust her even if you somehow wound up dating again, as you now know she is capable of some spectacularly trashy behaviour.

Don't hold your breath for her, anyway. She's only looking for sex, and my prediction is you will be left in the dust when she gets close to being caught by her boyfriend. She is not girlfriend material, by a long shot, and you are going to learn that the hard way as she continues to use you for sex and go home to her boyfriend at night.

Seriously, OP. It's almost a new year. Re-evaluate your choices in women and get rid of the bad apples like this one.

First off thanks to everyone for you replies. I appreciate all of you. ExpatInItaly, a few things to consider: I have been with many women. This one was one that was clearly a step above the rest. She was extremely loyal. Stayed in touch with me 24/7. Even turned her location on her phone so I could always see where she was (she did this without me even asking). She went above and beyond to prove her loyalty and I genuinely believe she would have never cheated on me. Why? I kept her satisfied in bed, hence why she is coming to me to fulfill her sexual desires. I was a good boyfriend too. I just made a very mis-calculated judgement and took my ex of 3 years back (H) just at L and I were beginning to form something special.

Also, you say to get rid of the bad apples like this. Everyone take note: these days I don't seem to be able to attract women like I used to. Not sure why. I am more mentally and physically fit then ever. Though, I do not like going out or drinking or socializing much. So it is rare for me to meet new people, and I do what I can to keep people in my life forever. So it is not like my choices are limitless. I must make the best of what I can get.

Here’s my take:

You broke her heart. She knows she was second best to another woman because you chose T over her.

She has moved on and is in another relationship now.

Her getting you to want her is a way of “winning” yet keeping control. She got you to have sex with her, so she probably feels better that you still want her. Yet, she certainly doesn’t trust you not to break her heart again.

I would say there’s no way of winning her back. She doesn’t trust you. She’ll screw you while in another relationship, but I’d say that’s it.

Let her go and move on. She’ll string you along and you’ll wind up getting hurt.

Thanks for the reply. You make some great points, some things I would like to reply to. For starters you say that she does this to "feel better that I still want her." though, I think she knows damn well I want her, and hasn't questioned that since January 2017 when I started trying to win her back. The amount of effort that I have put into winning her back is ridiculous, something I can only do once in my life. It has taken every ounce of me. I have done some incredibly sweet things to try to steal her heart back. So, she isn't doing this just to know that I want her. It's deeper than that. She is doing this because she genuinely is not satisfied with her sex life, and she knows I can solve that issue. The only reason I engage, is because I hope it is my ticket to winning her back. Because obvious her and her man will not last if she is not satisfied. And I am front in line because I am who she thinks about in the back of her mind.

Though I am not doubting that she does not trust me. And that I am probably only going to be someone she will have sex with while in another relationship.

What are your general thoughts on this? It sounds like she's got a nice little deal going. A loving, trustworthy, vanilla boyfriend who wont break her heart, and a rambunctious f-buddy on the side whenever she's looking for a dalliance.

A friend of mine dated a married woman for 2 years. She gradually stopped having sex with her husband as the affair went on, allegedly. She began to call her husband her "roommate." But she never left him either. My friend moved states after two years. I assume she found another sex partner to replace him. Still married.

What can I do to win her back at this point, if even possible? Tell her you don't want to engage with her when she's not single. Let her make the decision to be honorable and then go from there.

Do you think it is over between her and I, or that things changed after we had sex? Unknowable from the information you've provided. Possibly just the once was enough to sate her ego and her desires. Possibly not. But fall back all the way and you'll find out if she's truly interested.

Where should I go from here, in your opinion? Depart from her, keep working on you. See other people.

See I agree with this. She is having her cake and eating it too, getting the best of both worlds. Though sometimes things are too important to just chalk it up as a loss and say "hey I can't do this I must move on". That's a pretty easy way to give up after waiting nearly 2 years to try and win her back. Just like with your buddy, I think that she could probably find a sexual partner to replace me if I just throw in the towel. And when she finally breaks up with this current boyfriend, whoever she is having sex with on the side will likely be where she resides yet- from my experience with other women I have seen this.

I like your wording to say let her do what is honorable and tell her she has to be single if she wants this to single. The only problem is, like I said in my original post, I tried this about a month ago when the sexual texts started getting more frequent and serious. I said I wanted it to be pure so she had to be single, and she just didn't reply for a couple of days. Then texted me about something unrelated. So I know if I go this route, I will lose her permanently. And that is worse than any other scenario.

No matter what happens I am putting as minimal thought and feelings into this matter, as possible. I have seen the progress I have made the past year or so, and I will not give that up, nor let another person deem my worth. I know I am worthy of her, and a good girl in general. I just have to be patient and calm until I get her back. That's how I see it at least. So I will continue to work on myself and not allow this to get in the way. Doesn't mean I don't want her to be in my life permanently though.

I know you are not going to give this up...like you said "Not without a fight". You feel by having sex with her this is your ticket to win her back, but in all honesty this is where you have no control. By having sex with her, you have given her all the control. She's going to be the one to call the shots. Like other posters mentioned, she has a good thing going on having the both of you. I suspect this guy has money or has a decent lifestyle she's comfortable with having.

The only way to have control is to set boundaries. If she wants you, she has to be completely broken of from her BF, so until them, no more sex or sexting. Trust me, if she has any intentions of being with you, she will quickly devolve that relationship in the new year. If not, you were a shelp, and got sucked into her web of self entitlement.

This is an interesting take I never considered. I did give her all of the control when I had sex with her. I believe this guy has decent money, and a pretty good life. He is a tattoo artist. When she came over to my house Christmas eve she said in regards to her current bf, "the thing I love about him the most is also the thing I hate...that he is so care free". I was not overly jealous when B and I dated, but I was the type to always show I was concerned and I think she needs that kind of guidance and structure and backbone in her life. So I think she is really torn over this, and just couldn't help but have a good time with me. She will likely return for more as the holidays end and life goes back to normal.

Even though you have fought for this girl after breaking her heart, I think that you will do it again when you realize that she is no longer that girl you met and with her cheating, you will not be able to let it go. She was determined not to take you back after you chose another woman for her. She may be unsatisfied with sex now, but seems like she now gets to have the part of you she wants while continuing her life with this other guy.
Best thing to do is help her by not confusing her and let her deal with your relationship. Otherwise, you will be in her place as you left her before.

Like I said above, I don't think so. I would keep her extremely satisfied in the bedroom along with being a solid boyfriend to her, so I don't believe she would ever want to cheat. Plus as I also said, she is the type that will turn the location on her phone so I can always see where she is.

Losing her has been the hardest lesson of my life and I would never give her up again for as long as I live, given the chance to be with her again.

And I apologize, but I didn't fully understand this line, "Best thing to do is help her by not confusing her and let her deal with your relationship. Otherwise, you will be in her place as you left her before." Any chance you could re-word that?

Thank you all for your replies. Means a lot to be able to have some people to discuss this with.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

December 30, 2018

Like I said above, I don't think so. I would keep her extremely satisfied in the bedroom along with being a solid boyfriend to her, so I don't believe she would ever want to cheat.

^^^That is nonsense.

Women still cheat on "solid" bfs who give them sexual satisfaction in the bedroom, sorry to say.

This woman is no longer that innocent, honest, sweet, caring, loyal soul you dumped when you went back to your "toxic" ex. That experience will have toughened her, made her harder, more cynical, less trusting, more bitter etc. etc.

Now she is seeking you out for NSA sex and is cheating on her bf...

Time to knock her off that pedestal.

December 31, 2018

The two of you deserve each other. I hope that for the sake of any other single people that either of you might have dated, that the two of you get back together.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

December 31, 2018

The two of you deserve each other. I hope that for the sake of any other single people that either of you might have dated, that the two of you get back together.

Edited to add

By the way as per forum rules only one thread per topic.

What did you mean by " I hope that for the sake of any other single people that either of you might have dated, that the two of you get back together." ?

Also, I apologize. I am new here. I didn't even know this category existed and it seemed more fitting. Though other people replied to my original post and I feel like I should give them a chance to reply back to me. Should I delete one of them?

December 31, 2018

What did you mean by " I hope that for the sake of any other single people that either of you might have dated, that the two of you get back together." ?

I meant that you are rather selfish and lack compassion for the women you date- you make it all about yourself and what you want- you want her, you don't want her, you dump her, you get back with a girl who you state was extremely toxic then you dump her or she dumps you then you want the other one back and you harass her incessantly until she finally comes around and then she completely disrespects and deceives her boyfriend by cheating on him with you. The two of you express character traits that do not bode well for healthy, functional relationships and the dating population would be better served if the two of you were off the market.

Should I delete one of them?

You can't.

December 31, 2018

Well you sound rather bitter, not sure why. Realize I was with the first girl (H) for almost 3 years, she was my first girl I fell in love with. I was split with her for only a matter of weeks before meeting L. I thought I was over H, but I had not even started to recover.

After losing them both and spending nearly 2 years straight single and in self-reflection I have learned some very important lessons. If I ever got L back I would never leave her again. I have now had time to recover from T and she is long gone from my life (has a kid and new man).

L has never cheated in her life before this. She really thought I was her soulmate when we dated. I have thought that for 2 years now. I'm not some random guy she is having sex with. Sometimes things just don't line up at the right time, maybe you should consider that too. She said she "obviously has doubts" about her current man so she probably knows she will soon enough (after holidays and such) end up breaking up with him and moving on. Though, I don;t really know (and doubt) she will ever date me again. The sex is probably the most I will get, which actually was the least important thing to me.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

December 31, 2018

Would you consider that a more appropriate response to a woman who has a boyfriend and apparently a child with that boyfriend who wanted to have sex with you would have been "You've got a boyfriend so I'm going to pass on the sex until and unless you're single and available"?

I only ask because on one hand you say that after 2 years of introspection you're this greatly improved person and your actions don't necessarily reflect that new found attitude. In fact they reek of the same dysfunction that caused the breakups in the first place.

December 31, 2018

First off thanks to everyone for you replies. I appreciate all of you. ExpatInItaly, a few things to consider: I have been with many women. This one was one that was clearly a step above the rest. She was extremely loyal.

So you thought. You had a short relationship and you left first, before she had the chance to get bored with you. This is not someone who values loyalty. She is very clearly showing you that. You thought she was a step above, but well, she ain't.

I would keep her extremely satisfied in the bedroom along with being a solid boyfriend to her, so I don't believe she would ever want to cheat. Plus as I also said, she is the type that will turn the location on her phone so I can always see where she is.

If I may be blunt, this is a very naive line of thought. I realize it helps you feel better about your perceived chances with her, and your ego is puffed up because she's telling you what you want to hear about your prowess, but you're missing the point completely.

The point isn't her desire to have sex with other men or have a better boyfriend, nor about her sexual satisfaction. The point is that she is the type of woman who lacks integrity, who isn't above lying to her partner, who is willing to risk the emotional well-being of her partner to satisfy herself for a few minutes. She is the type of woman to do her partner dirty and not really care. She is the type of woman who doesn't have a moral compass.

If that's how low you're willing to drop your standards, proceed. Know what you are signing up for and what this chick is really about.

December 31, 2018

Do you struggle to follow a story? First off, the girl with who is pregnant is my ex of 3 years (the toxic one), NOT the one I hooked up with. Secondly, did you read the original post? Like I said, I told her I did not want to meet up or do anything sexual until she was single, so that it was pure. She did not respond for a couple of days so I sent another text (unrelated about music) and she replies.

Your bitterness is kind of sad, makes me wonder what kind of life you have lived yourself lol. Though if you had an 8/10 ex gf hit you up because she needed sex from you specifically, and was unsure about her current man- AND you had wanted her back for two years - I doubt you would be up so high on your moral high horse lol.

After sex, I said to her "just so you know, I am only engaging in this because I am assuming that you are ONLY doing this because you do not think you and your current bf will last." (once again, i'm trying to do what is right while winning the girl of my dreams, try to be reasonable)

Though when I said that, she showed a bit of resistance, as this is when she told me she did not want me to pressure her about getting back together because she "will not break up with someone for someone else".

December 31, 2018

After sex, I said to her "just so you know, I am only engaging in this because I am assuming that you are ONLY doing this because you do not think you and your current bf will last.".

Do you REALLY that makes it ok?

You don't have to answer on here, just to yourself.

December 31, 2018

Not true.. Women need to be satisfied sexually from their partner. She knows deep down she is not going to stay with this guy nor be with him long term. She probably sees that potential with me and at the same time I satisfy her specific needs. I have seen her moral compass in action many times. She originally blocked me for a year because I told her she looked "beautiful" and she was with someone new at the time and said I crossed the line. She was overly faithful in our relationship.

There are plenty of cases of good, loyal women, who end up cheating because they just aren't satisfied. That's why it's so important for people to connect on a physcial level as well as a mental one. She isn't doing this just for the thrill. It's much deeper I believe. Though I could be wrong.

December 31, 2018

Did I EVER say I thought it made it OK? You don't have to answer here...

December 31, 2018

<snip>
There are plenty of cases of good, loyal women, who end up cheating because they just aren't satisfied. That's why it's so important for people to connect on a physcial level as well as a mental one. She isn't doing this just for the thrill. It's much deeper I believe. Though I could be wrong.

You don't seem to understand morality or why most women cheat. NEWSFLASH: Women cheat for emotional reasons. It has little to do with not being satisfied in the bedroom.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

December 31, 2018

You don't seem to understand that not everything goes by the book. She is happy with this guy as her boyfriend, he is a good boyfriend. He is intelligent, caring, and laid back. Her friends and family approve. That's why she can't end it with him, she is satisfied in every way except in bed. I also don't think she likes how "soft" of a boyfriend he is. She needs someone with a backbone. She is not satisfied at all sexually and has specifically said that.

December 31, 2018

Ok so I think we agree it's not ok. Therefore we can also agree the situation between you and her is extremely dysfunctional and does not lend itself to a healthy relationship going forward so in answer to the questions in your first post for which you seek answers, I recommend you avoid her completely.

December 31, 2018

You don't seem to understand that not everything goes by the book. She is happy with this guy as her boyfriend, he is a good boyfriend.<snip>

You're contradicting yourself. You first say "she knows she's not going to be with him" then you turn around and say "she is happy with him." These two things do not square.

You are handling this entire situation wrong, in my opinion. What you should have done, rather than screw her behind her boyfriend's back (which could get your teeth knocked out or worse in certain situations), is told her that she can have anything she wants from you sexually, but she needs to ditch him first or she gets nothing. That way you don't totally lose respect for her, because, really, what kind of man respects a woman who's stopping by to f*** a guy an hour before she is meeting her "great boyfriend?"

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and fix spacing

December 31, 2018

Yeah man. I have been trying to win her back for 2 years and have went from being blocked in every lane of communication to actually seeing her in person, to eventually sex. I'm definitely going to give up that easy, as I am closer to ever to winning back the girl of my dreams. Great advice! Thanks.

And before you make a generic comment about how the girl of my dreams is a cheater, try to realize how complex human relationships can be first and that not everything is a Hollywood movie. Thank you

December 31, 2018

You're contradicting yourself. You first say "she knows she's not going to be with him" then you turn around and say "she is happy with him." These two things do not square.<snip>

No I am not, actually. She knows she is not going to be with him LONG TERM is what I said. Though, on every level except sexually she is content with him. I am sure he is better looking that me. She really just needs a sexual satisfaction he cannot give her. In my experience, that can kill a relationship over time.

Again you must not have read the entire story. Because I did tell her to ditch the guy or she gets nothing from me, but she acted like I said nothing. She avoided speaking of him until she was in my house and she admitted she was still with him and told me she didn't know what their future held.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and fix spacing

December 31, 2018

And before you make a generic comment about how the girl of my dreams is a cheater, try to realize how complex human relationships can be first and that not everything is a Hollywood movie. Thank you

Thanks but I'm not really interested in excusing away her cheating by realizing that human relationships are complex and not a Hollywood movie, whatever that means.

If she is truly the girl of your dreams, then I gently suggest that you refine your goals and aim higher.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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ex girlfriend cheating on me with her new boyfriend...2 years after break up

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