I'm calling it a day, I just hope I'm right

[confused83]

Well today ive finally decided im calling it a day with my partner and honestly i feel awful. We are spending nye together and had planned To spend the following day together, she's now made plans with a friend of hers and said i can go along too (thanks, cancel our plans to meet your friend and invite me to come with). I always feel like she changes our plans and leaves me with 2 options, like it or lump it.

 

I have felt for some time that her priorities are so off, nearly everytime we make plans they change and she'll involve someone else. I know shes doing it because her friends are single so shes trying to get a healthy mix between the 2. I know before me she'd meet her friends 3-4 times a week and now its gone down but i just have this nagging gut feeling that im just not happy in this relationship and we arent right together. I feel like im constantly let down for her other plans, or our plans change because shes had another offer. Im 34 shes 28 and all my friends are married or have kids, hers are single so theyre always out or doing something. Ive even felt lately like she enjoys her time more with them because she will upload loads of photos and say how amazing its been where as with me she'll not say anything. I feel like if i have plans with her and my friends ask me to do something i instantly say 'not today ive got plans already, we can sort another day), but the other way around it feels like shes saying 'yeah sounds good let me just see if my bf is ok me bailing on him again'. I cant then say 'no we had plans' so i always Say 'yeah thats fine see your friends instead' because i dont want her to meet me if she'd rather be somewhere else. I know she may be doing it to keep her friends close too but surely theyd understand shes in a relationship. Her other friends who have bfs seem to always keep their plans going. Theyve all made plans for new years day and are sticking to them but my gf has changed ours because she feels bad for her single friends. Again it feels like US isnt a priority to her.

 

The communication is also off, ive started to feel like a simple text to ask about her day is read like she cant be bothered. The amount of times she'll read my text and ignore it for hours is just draining me emotionally.

 

I do have a tendency to over think so im now just hoping this is the right decision. I cant start a new year with someone who my gut says is wrong for me. I do love her but i constantly have this feeling like i need more which i know sounds horrible. Wish me luck

Edited December 30, 2018 by confused83

[Malin889]

Forget about what she does on social media or how long it takes her to reply to your texts. Ask yourself this question: Are you happy? If not, it’s probably time to move on.

[confused83]

Im not happy. I feel like if things are great when youre together its equally important that they are when youre apart to build emotional intimacy. We're fantastic when we are together but apart we just dont talk. I feel bad for texting her because j know she isnt a texter and doesnt like them. Im used to sharing funny things ive seen throughout my day or flirty texts to keep the spark alive, i tried it With my current partner and she will send something back but it just feels forced.

 

Im just not as happy as i have been in past relationships and to be honest i feel horrible that im going to end this because i know she'll be crushed. I know she loves me a great deal but I'm not getting what i want. The real us when we both become ourselves i know just isnt a match, we arent compatible at all. Shes laid back, she'd happily go all day without contact apart From a 5 minute phone call before bed, im more the type to say 'good morning' enjoy ypur day at work, id usually feel comfortable to send a funny photo or something on my dinner break without feeling like im wrong fpr dping it. When we do text hers are always short because i can tell shes wanting to end the conversation so ive even started saying 'anyway ill let you get on now ill say goodnight now so we can enjoy our alone time' because i basically dont want to pee her off. But thats after 2 or 3 texts like thats too many in a day. Then if i think to text her again about a potential holiday ive seen or anything else i end up not bothering because i know weve already said goodnight. It doesnt seem normal to me and im fed up of feeling like im missing her and making this effort to show her that and getting half arsed messages back. I miss the closeness ive had before i actually feel single for 90% of the day when we arent together and i dont feel that emotionally close to her at all.

Edited December 30, 2018 by confused83

[Giraffe-A]

It’s usually the other way around. We cancel our plans with friends to be with our bf. And you are right, it would be preferrable to all be together. You don’t sound happy. You’ve been let down often and it’s time to move on.

[confused83]

It’s usually the other way around. We cancel our plans with friends to be with our bf. And you are right, it would be preferrable to all be together. You don’t sound happy. You’ve been let down often and it’s time to move on.

 

Exactly... her friends who have partners arent dropping their plans because they're excited. If i text my friends now who are with someone theyd not drop their new years plans to meet me. I get her point that she made plans with her friends before meeting me as they usually do something new years day but since meeting me the plans always been we'd spend our 1st one together. I know shes wanting to keep everyone happy but i do feel like im always the 1 whos having to step back and say 'its fine ill do somethibg else' where as id like it if she just once said 'youre my priority and i actually want to see you more than anythiny else' rather than leaving me always feeling like im easily dropped. Her other friends who where meeting new years day are now spending it with their partners. Mines the onky one whos decided to change her plans to now include a friend again.

[confused83]

She also made me feel really guilty when she asked if we could change our new years day plans to now include her friend, i initally said id prefer it to be us as planned and she said 'well to be fair i did make plans with her first'... yes because we werent together 7 months ago when you made them plans. That made me feel guilty when i dont think i should of been made to feel guilty for that when we werent even together. For the past 4 months all ive known is Nye and new years day wed be together. Then 2 days ago the plans changed. Then as you can see i then dont want to demand we spend it together as planned because im left feeling like she doesnt even want to anymore. So again i feel unwanted which sounds pathetic but i do feel that way.

 

I want someome who says 'my friend wanted to meet' and j say 'aww you could of' and she'll say 'no because i want to see you'... not someone who makes me feel bad for wanting to stick to our plans.

Edited December 30, 2018 by confused83

[Cersei]

Yeah I think you are right to end it. It does not sound like a fun, exciting relationship. It sounds frustrating and stressful.

 

Best of luck.

[fred123]

She also made me feel really guilty when she asked if we could change our new years day plans to now include her friend, i initally said id prefer it to be us as planned and she said 'well to be fair i did make plans with her first'... yes because we werent together 7 months ago when you made them plans. That made me feel guilty when i dont think i should of been made to feel guilty for that when we werent even together. For the past 4 months all ive known is Nye and new years day wed be together. Then 2 days ago the plans changed. Then as you can see i then dont want to demand we spend it together as planned because im left feeling like she doesnt even want to anymore. So again i feel unwanted which sounds pathetic but i do feel that way.

 

I want someome who says 'my friend wanted to meet' and j say 'aww you could of' and she'll say 'no because i want to see you'... not someone who makes me feel bad for wanting to stick to our plans.

 

whats your history with her? when did u meet? and when did u become offical or exclusive? when did u discuss nye eves plans first?

[ExpatInItaly]

I just don’t think she’s all that into you or the relationship anymore. You say things are fantastic when you’re together, but are they really, when you know she is consistently prioritizing others over you?

 

I believe you are correct that you two are not compatible. You are much more invested than she is, and have a very different idea of what you want out of a relationship. I would be turned off, too.

[lovenoobi]

I feel for you OP; it sucks when your partner seems to prioritise other ppl over you. However a few things/suggestions that you may be interested:

 

1) the decision of you deciding to end the relationship... is this right after she has told you about wanting to spend NYE with her friends? I ask this because one thing I learnt from my own experience is that you should never make promises when you’re happy, and vice versa you shouldn’t make decisions when angry. Both of which you will regret once the emotion settles and logic come back in.

 

2) have you ever raised this issue with her as it seems to have been going on for a while?

 

3) it does seem like at the moment the two of you are at different stages of life. You & your social network seems to be settling down whereas her and her friends are still in the more going out and partying lifestyle.

 

4) perhaps she may have been hurt rly badly by her previous relationship and it was her friends that pulled her through during those difficult period. She has also invited you to come along right?

[smackie9]

We have already given you the advice back in November to end it because you two do not have the same expectations on what type of relationship you both want. She's a free bird, and you want closeness. It's a no brainer you are not getting what you need out of this relaitonship so why are you fighting it?

I dated a guy that was like this, and I dumped him after 3 weeks. I knew nothing was going to change. He did seek me out again months later, but I wasn't going back to that. I had just met my husband then and happily carried on with my life.

[preraph]

It's never polite or ok to just ditch one person you made plans with, if those plans were firm, and just bail on them. You're right about that. But if you've been telling her that's okay, you should have told her it's not before now. She shouldn't have to give up her friends, but she shouldn't break plans with you at the last minute for them either. That's her being more considerate of them than you. I think before you just break it off, you need to sit down and let her know how impolite and hurtful it is and why you say it's okay (because you don't want her to be with you if she doesn't want to, which hurts your feelings) and get it out in the open. Not sure about the texts. Sometimes it's just too many or too much or for no reason. Like you said, ask about her day. She'll be home the end of the day. So you can ask her then and no real need to text.

[Giraffe-A]

Exactly... her friends who have partners arent dropping their plans because they're excited. If i text my friends now who are with someone theyd not drop their new years plans to meet me. I get her point that she made plans with her friends before meeting me as they usually do something new years day but since meeting me the plans always been we'd spend our 1st one together. I know shes wanting to keep everyone happy but i do feel like im always the 1 whos having to step back and say 'its fine ill do somethibg else' where as id like it if she just once said 'youre my priority and i actually want to see you more than anythiny else' rather than leaving me always feeling like im easily dropped. Her other friends who where meeting new years day are now spending it with their partners. Mines the onky one whos decided to change her plans to now include a friend again.

I totally see both sides....but I missed the part where she asked for her friend to join both of you. I kinda have to take her side on that. I thought she completely cancelled you to be with her friend. Uuuurgh...idk now.

[confused83]

I agree with smackie and it has been dragged out for some time now. Today for example she went to work, got home at The usual time so i text her saying how i hope she's had a good day. She instantly rings me, we talk for 5 mins then she says 'anyway lots to do speak later' and thats again all ill get today. I know some people prefer relationships like that but it drives me mad. I constantly feel like i must be boring her or something for her to not have that 'want' to contact me.

 

We just arent similar with that at all and its draining me holding back all the time because i know its what SHE prefers where as I'm then in turn not getting what i want.

 

We've spoke about it 3 or 4 times and its always the same story that she doesnt like texting. I didnt want it to be a deal breaker but that, along with getting plans changed all the time i have had enough. Ill wait till i calm down to make a full decision but i am so fed up of having a partner i cant speak to during the days we're apart.

 

We've not met for the past 3 days, ive received 11 texts and thats all replies to mine bar 1. 3 texts per day in a relationship to me just doesnt seem enough contact and it actually hurts personally that it is enough for her. Im used to someone actually wanting/missing me and showing it. She said last time we had a chat about this (about 2 months back) that she does miss me but doesnt feel the need to tell me.

It makes me feel like im being clingy or demanding. But 3 texts a day, is that really me being clingy?

Edited December 30, 2018 by confused83

[smackie9]

Wow two months back, that would have been a deal breaker for me. Yikes

[confused83]

Wow two months back, that would have been a deal breaker for me. Yikes

 

What would sorry?

[preraph]

I agree with smackie and it has been dragged out for some time now. Today for example she went to work, got home at The usual time so i text her saying how i hope she's had a good day. She instantly rings me, we talk for 5 mins then she says 'anyway lots to do speak later' and thats again all ill get today. I know some people prefer relationships like that but it drives me mad. I constantly feel like i must be boring her or something for her to not have that 'want' to contact me.

 

We just arent similar with that at all and its draining me holding back all the time because i know its what SHE prefers where as I'm then in turn not getting what i want.

 

We've spoke about it 3 or 4 times and its always the same story that she doesnt like texting. I didnt want it to be a deal breaker but that, along with getting plans changed all the time i have had enough. Ill wait till i calm down to make a full decision but i am so fed up of having a partner i cant speak to during the days we're apart.

 

We've not met for the past 3 days, ive received 11 texts and thats all replies to mine bar 1. 3 texts per day in a relationship to me just doesnt seem enough contact and it actually hurts personally that it is enough for her. Im used to someone actually wanting/missing me and showing it. She said last time we had a chat about this (about 2 months back) that she does miss me but doesnt feel the need to tell me.

It makes me feel like im being clingy or demanding. But 3 texts a day, is that really me being clingy?

 

Look, she doesn't like texts and probably doesn't like talking on the phone right when she first gets home from work either. She may be on the phone all day at work, even. Most people don't want to have people lined up talking to them and just want to relax once they get off work. She has said she doesn't like texts, so it is beyond me why you are still texting her. Can't you even do that one thing for her and not text? She TOLD you that and yet you persist and the get butt-hurt when she doesn't answer. She told you not to text, that she hates texting. So stop it! Yes, it's clingy.

 

When I answered first, I hadn't read this second entry. You're not respecting her needs. You're like the toddler hanging onto the his mother's leg while she's trying to cook dinner demanding attention at the wrong time.

 

By all means, call her, but don't call her just to shoot the **** and don't call her right after work. Call her when you want to invite her to do something and then SAVE all these thoughts you're using on texting and on the phone for in person. And if it gets to where she doesn't want to see you, then you obviously should just bail.

[confused83]

Look, she doesn't like texts and probably doesn't like talking on the phone right when she first gets home from work either. She may be on the phone all day at work, even. Most people don't want to have people lined up talking to them and just want to relax once they get off work. She has said she doesn't like texts, so it is beyond me why you are still texting her. Can't you even do that one thing for her and not text? She TOLD you that and yet you persist and the get butt-hurt when she doesn't answer. She told you not to text, that she hates texting. So stop it! Yes, it's clingy.

 

When I answered first, I hadn't read this second entry. You're not respecting her needs. You're like the toddler hanging onto the his mother's leg while she's trying to cook dinner demanding attention at the wrong time.

 

By all means, call her, but don't call her just to shoot the **** and don't call her right after work. Call her when you want to invite her to do something and then SAVE all these thoughts you're using on texting and on the phone for in person. And if it gets to where she doesn't want to see you, then you obviously should just bail.

 

 

So your advice is neglect your own needs to please someone else and stay with them even though you're not getting your needs met?

[chillii]

Those things are all things for sure. She likes her time and space when she likes it and that's just how it is. And she needs a lot more of it than you and that's just how it is too.

And her friends and she doesn't think to much past that and for whatever reason she's not as into more time together and being more in touch and everything else.

And you were happier in other relationships than this one.

lt's suppose to get better not go backwards that's why you moved on before.

l know you know that but just sayin.

 

 

Yaknow, even if she does love you her loves so different from yours trying to meet in the middle even if you could isn't gonna be your natural ways so that wouldn't work for long anyway.

Your just different , you need to be the same. A non spacey person never gets a spacey person.

l probly missed how long you've been together but it's too square peg round hole all that.

Besides , at 28 she should be more into it somems not right there either.

Edited December 30, 2018 by chillii

[preraph]

So your advice is neglect your own needs to please someone else and stay with them even though you're not getting your needs met?

 

Well, I wrote two answers and the first one acknowledged she was being inconsiderate, but then I saw your post about how you text her all the time and get mad she doesn't answer after she's TOLD you she hates texting, so now I see both sides is all. But yes, respect when someone asks you to do one simple thing like not text! But she should also respect you once you tell her it hurts your feelings when she changes plans on you. If two people can't handle two such small compromises, there is no hope....

 

Truth is nobody fully just totally fits like a puzzle into your life. There are always concessions to make. Both of you are doing rude disrespectful things.

[maxi105]

hmmm...confused83.....oh dear. it sounds like this thing has run its course a long time ago as others have mentioned (and for whatever reasons you are clearly still losing sleep over it)... so you need to cut it dead

 

for the sake of everyone involved!!!!

 

 

I didn't read all of your posts on this current page as I felt I got what you were saying so didn't think it was relevant to go over further issues about texting or whatever other things have built up (on this post), but look, however difficult it is, you might want to keep in mind the fact that good folks gave you their time then and are still advising you now and still - in that time not much seems to have changed! so you would be wise to take that as a definite sign that under the circumstances you are talking about, it is highly likely that things aren't realistically really going to improve and you are very unlikely to be ever really happy with this person!!!! sorry.

 

 

I think it is fear of moving on and a confidence issue (yours or hers in fear) that is keeping you in this, and you are in the habit of being with her, but you are unhappy and have been for a long time so I don't know why you or anyone who is unhappy would stay in a situation of unhappiness just for the sake of it or for fear. do you fear failure of a relationship or fear being alone?

 

I haven't followed 98% of whats gone on and to be honest it all sounds pretty draining, so I cant imagine what people who advised you way back must feel about it all getting re-hashed when nothing has been done to try to resolve things properly.

 

the bottom line is that this situation is not doing you any good anymore...and you know it isn't!

 

I think also that you are not suited in this situation age wise. so do yourselves a huge favour and don't spend new years with her, it is giving out false hope!!!!!

 

call it a day and go out with other friends if you feel like it. if you don't have the courage to end it today then be honest today with her and say you want to separate for a few weeks or more to see what you want because at the moment and for some time you have not been happy, and maybe time away will allow you to see if you want this relationship to work, time away will also give her the chance to see if she is taking you for granted too then she can do something about it and you might have a chance to save your relationship if it is strong enough or one that is meant to be saved.

 

but from what ive read so far it doesn't sound like a relationship that is really going anywhere. I think It went bad long ago, you just haven't had the honesty or courage to deal with it maturely or fairly.

 

whats the point of being with someone if you are not happy and know that you haven't been happy with them for months.

 

ok, those are my thoughts on it all. I don't think I can add any more, so I hope this post isn't still going on in another 6 -12 months with you still as fed up with it all and not doing anything to move onwards with it.

 

it sounds like from what you say, that you and her need to find the happiness that you know deep inside you both want but are not getting with the other person.

 

maybe try someone a bit older next time, im all for age gaps if the people are willing to work together or love each other and are happy or are mature enough and caring enough to deal with things.

 

but the one thing I don't see in what little I know about this situation is compatability!!!!!! it just don't seem to be there. sorry.

 

but good luck anyway.

 

hopefully you will take on what smackie and ive no doubt countless others were saying that have followed your situation months ago.

 

a new year is a new start, and it sounds like that's what you need if youre going to find a bit of genuine happiness for yourself.life is too short and precious to be wasting it staying in an unhappy situation because you are too afraid toor complacent do anything about it. but good luck. if you are brave, then you will find someone more suited and you will wonder why you didn't do something about this earlier. its not too late to move forwards in whatever way enables you to be honest with yourself and fair to the person who is im sure as equally unhappy with the way things are in this relationship as it is! see ya. and best wishes (even if it doesn't sound like it, I do wish you well). ok, take care, maxi.

[Highndry]

People don't change, what you see is what you get. She's not going to magically change this behavior or suddenly be more into you. I think you'd be better off with a woman who appreciates you.

[Gretchen12]

Basically you want to stop having any contact with her because you are not having enough contact.

You want to end it so you can go find someone else. That's the plan, right? There are people who would think she's better than nothing and keep seeing her while looking for someone better. That's practical but not a nice thing to do to someone.

She has single girlfriends to fill her life while your friends are couples, so even though you'll be the dumper, you'll be more alone.

If you end it, don't go back. Even if you did not intend to use breakup as leverage, she may tell you she'll try harder and if you get talked into staying, you will not fare well in the long run.

I do think you are incompatible so you don't have much choice here. In the future, you will still need more male friends to socialize with.

[spiderowl]

While thinking about this, I felt that if I was really into a guy, I would be delighted if he texted me three times a day. If I wasn't into him, or he did not understand that sometimes I can't reply straightaway because I'm working, then that would be different.

 

If I was really into him, I would not see three texts as clingy. I would be happy if he phoned me, provided he was considerate if I said I was tired or needed to eat. He can't always expect me to want to chat either because sometimes my job is so mentally draining I just want to switch everything off.

 

You are not happy with the level of contact and feel she does not put you first. If you have spoken with her about it and she has not taken that on board, then maybe you are just not suited. Understandably, you want some attention from her and it seems you are not getting much. You are feeling sad and demoralised. Trust your feelings and seek what makes you happy.

[confused83]

Thank you for the replies. I feel like ive made myself look clingy in this post as a lot of people are assuming im bombarding her with texts everyday so below is a text log from yesterday as we where planning on spending nye together so this is our entire days communication:

 

7.30am Me: tired today, would of been nice to be with you last night. Have a good day at work. X

 

2.17pm her: just had my dinner, yeah it would. Ill see you tomorrow come for 4 x

 

2.30pm me: ok. We'll make it special x

 

6.47pm me: if i need to bring anything else other than the pizza tomorrow let me know x

 

9pm her: just you is fine. Night x

 

9pm me: night hun x

 

 

Thats it for an entire day. I know to some thats normal but to me its not enough. The texts also dont leave much for me to reoly too so i cant exactly kick up a conversation with her. As i say i also thought of 5 or 6 funny things i wanted to say yesterday but i felt guilty texting her so didnt bother. I will call it a day tonight when shes back from work.

 

What i dont get is when weve spoke about it before shes massivley shocked that im complaining about it like im being strange seeing it as an issue. Thats why i know were arent right together.

Edited December 31, 2018 by confused83