purplesoccer34 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 I started dating someone recently but I really don't get butterflies when I see him. I don't feel that can't eat, can't sleep type of infatuation, and I'm not thinking about him at all hours of the day. But I am with him because he and I have great, intriguing conversations that can go on for hours, and we have a lot of things in common. We have similar values and goals in life, and I have a lot of fun with him. I'm truly comfortable with him--I can share almost anything, and trust that he will be supportive. I think he's genuinely such a kind, intelligent person and I admire him in so many ways. We do have chemistry, but I don't feel that it's electrifying. Am I making a big mistake by dating someone that I don't feel butterflies for? 2
Cersei Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Oh that is a tough one. I feel that there should be an instant spark. However as you get to know each other better your feelings can change - For the better or for worse. Get to know him better and keep us posted.
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 That spark & chemistry are essential for me but what you describe is fairy-tale lust, not love. It's unrealistic & unsustainable. You have to eat & sleep. A new love shouldn't be all consuming but it should get your motor running.
FMW Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 You've just recently started dating, so I don't think you need to make any decisions right now if you enjoy being with him. As long you want to keep seeing him then do. If he starts showing interest in something more serious that's when you need to cut it off if you're still not sure. BTW, the only time I've felt those extreme butterflies and trouble eating and sleeping have been in unhealthy relationships!
Lotsgoingon Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Reminds me of a relationship I had with a wonderful woman. We could talk for hours ... hours ... and it was so comfortable ... She was quite pretty ... And yet ... I just wasn't excited ... I broke up with her ultimately ... but it wasn't until years and years later that I realized, OMG, there was no spark. She was in reality a close, close friend--that's really what worked for me. So here's the question. Comfort is one thing. Desire is the all-important other thing for a romance. Do you wake up desiring to see him, to be in his presence? Do you like looking at him? Do you feel the rapacious desire to get physical with him when you see him. Does he turn you on? Physically?! Romance does require the spark ... sometimes that seems like a shame ... because for whatever reason we humans can feel a spark for someone who has few of the qualities we love ... and not feel the spark for someone who has many of the qualities we love. The trick is to find spark and the good qualities we want. That is the challenge. Clearly, this wasn't the case centuries ago. These days, however, chemistry and sparks are necessary for a sustained romance. Otherwise, you'll just not be able to give the person they love and support and care when things get challenging. You won't feel the naturally pull to do so ... You won't have the resonance of that chemical high to draw upon ... even if the chemical high and spark fades over time. And here's the other truth: the person in your friend's position (or bf's position?) will figure out that you don't feel the spark and they will feel so rejected. And since you don't have the spark, there will be nothing you can do. You can't force yourself to want to tear someone's clothes off. You can't force yourself to want to cuddle and be physically with another person. You can fake it for sure ... but that wears out the partner in your position ... and again ... faking it becomes quite obvious to the other person. Of course, chemistry and sparks are not sufficient for a successful romance--witness all the sexually hot, torrid but totally dysfunctional and abusive relationships out there. But they are required. So you feeling low desire to tear his clothes off? Medium? Really you want high and overwhelming desire. And oddly enough having good sex isn't a sign of he spark. We can have sex with people and enjoy it ... and still walk next to them and not feel very attracted at all. The realities of the human animal.
See-Me-Feel-Me Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 The "butterflies" have a lot to do with uncertainty and vulnerability. They also have to do with WANTING what you think someone is rather than what you know. I have never gotten one of the women that I came to idealize. In retrospect, I could have been dead wrong and know that I was in two cases. One I was gaga for--someone told me she had terrible B.O. I got close to her once and oof, I couldn't abide that. The butterflies stopped in a hurry. The question about "spark" is, do you or do you not WANT this guy? Or do you feel like you already HAVE him and didn't have a chance to work up any want? If you let him walk and then regret it, then you may start wanting what you didn't value enough when you HAD it.
goth-gal Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 One needs to feel some attraction i.e. at least feel like kissing him - that's what me and my best GF use as the test for dating someone. We ask ourselves: is he kissable (for me)? BUT, I have read on some psychology magazines that the head over hills sparks are actually a bad sign... this person awakes something in us that is not necessarily good. A relationship that starts slower, with you getting to know them and having them slowly grow on you might work better for long term prospects. I know it's hard to believe as we've all been conditioned to go for the Hollywood type spark where it all seems perfect and there's lots of immediate passion involved. But that kind of spark hasn't led me anywhere lately...
alphamale Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 I started dating someone recently but I really don't get butterflies when I see him. I don't feel that can't eat, can't sleep type of infatuation, and I'm not thinking about him at all hours of the day. But I am with him because he and I have great, intriguing conversations that can go on for hours, and we have a lot of things in common. We have similar values and goals in life, and I have a lot of fun with him. I'm truly comfortable with him--I can share almost anything, and trust that he will be supportive. I think he's genuinely such a kind, intelligent person and I admire him in so many ways. We do have chemistry, but I don't feel that it's electrifying. Am I making a big mistake by dating someone that I don't feel butterflies for? trust me, "butterflies" are waaay over-rated
Giraffe-A Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Sparks is such a superficial thing. I felt this “spark” once. Complete intense psychotic madness of a love affair that we very much enjoyed. I was not attracted to him at all. It wasn’t a bad relationship, but we were not meant for each other. Prior to meeting him, most men were intimidated by me. When I was introduced to him, he looked at me like I was a bug. I mistook that for a spark. Anyway, I have fallen in love with 2 guys which I had experienced no spark for initially. It wasn’t until months later where I looked at them doing something random that just hit me. “Wow..I love this man.” Give him a chance.
Highndry Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 A great love takes time to grow. It doesn't necessarily start off like some Hollywood fair tale. 1
emeraldgreen Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 A girl and I met on OLD and felt cutesy but no electricity so we too hastily friend-zoned each other. The spark developed later and we end up always into each other at the wrong time. I lost her recently forever to a dude she wants to marry, so give things time but don't hesitate when the feeling is right. You might miss out on a great love as I did.
Interstellar Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 (edited) I started dating someone recently but I really don't get butterflies when I see him. I don't feel that can't eat, can't sleep type of infatuation, and I'm not thinking about him at all hours of the day. But I am with him because he and I have great, intriguing conversations that can go on for hours, and we have a lot of things in common. We have similar values and goals in life, and I have a lot of fun with him. I'm truly comfortable with him--I can share almost anything, and trust that he will be supportive. I think he's genuinely such a kind, intelligent person and I admire him in so many ways. We do have chemistry, but I don't feel that it's electrifying. Am I making a big mistake by dating someone that I don't feel butterflies for? Do you guys talk/text/chat and see each other everyday? if you do then this is why you don’t feel butterflies for him. There’s no space in the relationship. The mystery of slowly getting know him is gone. Poof. Comfort doesn’t translate to desire. I’d rather be with someone who also feel butterflies for me, heck do you know that some people who have been happily married for years still feel butterflies for each other; or maybe he’s also not physically your type. What is your type? You may need to make some tough decisions for the poor guys sake. Edited December 31, 2018 by Interstellar
Blanco Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 It's a good feeling, but as I get older, I've come to realize that it's not always the basis for a long-lasting or healthy relationship. Sometimes that spark is really just that person triggering something inside of us that maybe it's best not to feed. Think of the person who maybe grew up with an emotionally distant parent(s) and now, as an adult, seems to "coincidentally" be drawn to emotionally distant romantic partners. 1
Fair Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 I started dating someone recently but I really don't get butterflies when I see him. I don't feel that can't eat, can't sleep type of infatuation, and I'm not thinking about him at all hours of the day. But I am with him because he and I have great, intriguing conversations that can go on for hours, and we have a lot of things in common. We have similar values and goals in life, and I have a lot of fun with him. I'm truly comfortable with him--I can share almost anything, and trust that he will be supportive. I think he's genuinely such a kind, intelligent person and I admire him in so many ways. We do have chemistry, but I don't feel that it's electrifying. Am I making a big mistake by dating someone that I don't feel butterflies for? The most stable and ultimately satisfying and enduring relationships are not built on sparks. Sparks die. Fast. You've named a bunch of things that actually sound like they have substance... and you're worried about something shallow, like sparks. You have 'chemistry', so that's great. I wouldn't toss him aside. I'd give anything to have a kind, supportive man at my side. To hell with an overabundance of flipping sparks. 3
DKT3 Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 I think relationships fail at such a high rate because of this somewhat immature idea that they should be based on physical attraction that makes you feel you cant resist someone. I was once told by a woman, "I married a really hot guy I could keep my hands off of, 3 years later he was just a di<k I couldn't get out of my house" More often than not that is what you get chasing butterflies. 2
Author purplesoccer34 Posted December 31, 2018 Author Posted December 31, 2018 Wow so many interesting answers here, thank you. I have noticed that every time I felt butterflies in the past, the relationship was unhealthy, or it was with someone I knew I couldn't have. Or there has been some uncertainty in the relationship. I believe this is the first relationship I'm experiencing that has no real issues--he's supportive, empathetic, a great communicator, and extremely caring. I'm not sure how badly I want to tear his clothes off, but I love kissing him. In fact, the first time he kissed me, I was completely over the moon. I was thinking about it all day long afterward. For some reason, every other kiss after that was enjoyable but not super electrifying. He is definitely my type both physically and personality-wise--which is why I'm even more baffled as to why I'm not feeling the sparks. Maybe this has more to do with me than him. 1
Author purplesoccer34 Posted December 31, 2018 Author Posted December 31, 2018 The "butterflies" have a lot to do with uncertainty and vulnerability. They also have to do with WANTING what you think someone is rather than what you know. I have never gotten one of the women that I came to idealize. In retrospect, I could have been dead wrong and know that I was in two cases. One I was gaga for--someone told me she had terrible B.O. I got close to her once and oof, I couldn't abide that. The butterflies stopped in a hurry. The question about "spark" is, do you or do you not WANT this guy? Or do you feel like you already HAVE him and didn't have a chance to work up any want? If you let him walk and then regret it, then you may start wanting what you didn't value enough when you HAD it. The part you describe about butterflies rings so true to me, especially the uncertainty and vulnerability part. Yes, I think the biggest difference here is that I knew he was into me since the day I met him, so I never felt like I had to work for anything. So yes, maybe if he walked away, I'd start to want him more.
Author purplesoccer34 Posted December 31, 2018 Author Posted December 31, 2018 A girl and I met on OLD and felt cutesy but no electricity so we too hastily friend-zoned each other. The spark developed later and we end up always into each other at the wrong time. I lost her recently forever to a dude she wants to marry, so give things time but don't hesitate when the feeling is right. You might miss out on a great love as I did. I'm sorry you missed out on being with this girl. This pretty much describes how I'm feeling...cutesy but no electricity. Perhaps this isn't always a bad thing.
Highndry Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 The part you describe about butterflies rings so true to me, especially the uncertainty and vulnerability part. Yes, I think the biggest difference here is that I knew he was into me since the day I met him, so I never felt like I had to work for anything. So yes, maybe if he walked away, I'd start to want him more. I think you've identified exactly what's going on. You feel he was easy, but if this guy were to disappear on you I'd bet you would be extremely upset, and you'd feel all those "sparks" like a million bolts of lightning all at once. There's a reason for the phrase "don't know what you've got until it's gone." A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. Tread lightly. 2
Zippy2000 Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Sparks come and go but there is different ways that it can develop. Some people get the spark instantly but some others may be a bit more shy and the spark develops through knowledge and trust of the other person. For me I can get the spark both ways but I always found when I get the spark early on it FADES over time. Some over months but some years depending oh the other person treats you. Ive found when I got to know someone through time the spark would arrive at an odd moment. Like when I was out with them and the setting or place if it was kind of right and romantic I would fall for or how they treated me over time. I remember working with a friend of mine. A female who I had no romantic feelings for but one day at work as she was talking to me for a while I felt something for her. So its odd how the spark arrives. In my opinion the initial spark isn't necessary. Its what we are taught but its a fairy tale or a story made up by Hollywood. In real life it will fade so I believe its important to start from somewhere to ignite that initial spark. Whether that's being from friends first and doing things together and having things in common to build something from.
Interstellar Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 (edited) Yes, I think the biggest difference here is that I knew he was into me since the day I met him, so I never felt like I had to work for anything. So yes, maybe if he walked away, I'd start to want him more. There you go you just answered your own question. He needs to disappear and hang back a bit. Hah, if he does that you will feel those sparks you’ve been wanting to feel. You will finally get the feels. The question is, would he be brave enough to do it. Edited December 31, 2018 by Interstellar
Fair Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 There you go you just answered your own question. He needs to disappear and hang back a bit. Hah, if he does that you will feel those sparks you’ve been wanting to feel. You will finally get the feels. The question is, would he be brave enough to do it. Don't start playing push, pull games like this with him just to get 'the feels.' If he's worth his salt he won't put up with it and you'll lose him. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 I have noticed that every time I felt butterflies in the past, the relationship was unhealthy, or it was with someone I knew I couldn't have. Or there has been some uncertainty in the relationship. I believe this is the first relationship I'm experiencing that has no real issues--he's supportive, empathetic, a great communicator, and extremely caring. * * * He is definitely my type both physically and personality-wise--which is why I'm even more baffled as to why I'm not feeling the sparks. Maybe this has more to do with me than him. Because in your experience butterflies lead to bad / unhealthy relationships consider that this relationship has the potential to have a solid foundation. Let things percolate some more & start seeing him with your heart not just your eyes. The sparks will come & be more spectacular then the fleeting illusions you have experienced in the past. 1
Interstellar Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Don't start playing push, pull games like this with him just to get 'the feels.' If he's worth his salt he won't put up with it and you'll lose him. Hahahaha...there’s no losing him because he’s the one who’s afraid to lose her.
lovenoobi Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Some really interesting replies. Personally as a guy I don’t really understand or believe in this ‘spark’. I guess the closest equivalent thing that I can relate of what this ‘spark’ is much more superficial and just whether there’s physical attraction or not. Which I think it’s important but can’t really sustain a relationship entirely on its own. The circumstances that the OP is describing is very interesting. It sounds like the guy has all the good qualities and is physically attractive enough that the OP enjoys kissing him... yet because he’s too interested this in turn has worsen his chance of establishing a long term relationship as it’s not giving the OP this ‘spark’. Hence my question is this why some guys believe in phases like ‘treat them mean to keep them keen’?
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