Katie357 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Hi, I am trying to make sense of my break up and would appreciate any advice. Basically I am week 6 into my break up and struggling to get my head around it. We have been together 15 years and in July this year, we finally got married. We have two children together- age 11 and 8. However, a few week after the wedding, we had about 3 weeks of bickering/ arguing (I thought it may have been the come down of it all). Cut a long story short, this arguing period left him questioning his feelings towards me and he said he just couldn't bounce back from it. We talked about what needed to change and worked on no arguing for 6 weeks where things seemed to get back to normal. However, one disagreement later that turned into a row sent him right back to where he was feeling down and flat and again, confused by his feelings. We tried a break and he said he felt no different so it has become a permanent thing. It just doesn't make sense. I can't understand how your feelings can go so suddenly.
elaine567 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Sorry to be so cynical, but could he have married you solely for some gain once you split. Depending on where you live cohabiting couples can have few legal rights compared to a married couple, where everything is usually split down the middle after a divorce.
Author Katie357 Posted December 29, 2018 Author Posted December 29, 2018 Hi, I don't think so.. We have a mortgage in both our names and he has said that he is happy to leave the house and all its belongings to me. Obviously I need proper legal advice about this. 2
darkmoon Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 (edited) are you, by chance, or him, somebody who gives hissy fits on purpose? rather than just saying that you are angry and why, there is emoting and targeted disapproval. I knew somebody like this. It was a set-up, for she wanted me to squirm, and feel guilty rather than to share a resolution with her. That is how it seemed to me, bullying. So I said bye, happily who turned the disagreement into a row? Edited December 29, 2018 by darkmoon
See-Me-Feel-Me Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 It seems that marriage put the zap on his head. There must have been a reason he didn't go through marriage with you sooner considering the length of time and the children. Perhaps he has some deep-seated hang-up and is projecting that his hang-up is being validated. If that's at all true, counseling might help him figure it out and disclose it so at least you know what the dynamic is. Marriage should seal the deal--not alienate. Good luck.
elaine567 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Hi, I don't think so.. We have a mortgage in both our names and he has said that he is happy to leave the house and all its belongings to me. Obviously I need proper legal advice about this. Assume nothing, consult a lawyer. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Sorry to hear this, OP. Why did you two decide the tie the knot? That's a sincere question. It seems strange that he would suddenly bail only after getting married, after having been together so long. What had you been arguing about after the wedding? How had your relationship been prior to that? I hate to mention it, but any chance he's met someone else?
Giraffe-A Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 More information is needed. After 15 yrs, who pushed for marriage? Why didn’t you guys marry sooner? What are the disagreements about? Were they the same disagreements prior to the marriage?
preraph Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 I agree more info is needed. If you pushed for the marriage and he didn't want to, this may simply be resentment and he's got to prove he was right because he's a "right fighter." If so, he's acting like a baby, that's for sure. A good question to ask him might be, "How will you feel when I start dating other men?" Something he may not have thought about. And if you do divorce, you should insist he takes joint custody so you too can have a life.
elaine567 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 And if you do divorce, you should insist he takes joint custody so you too can have a life. Good point.
Author Katie357 Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 We have both always been of the opinion that getting married wouldn't change us and throughout our time together, it has been something I would say I wanted more than him. However, I wouldn't say he was pushed into getting married. He is the type of person that if he didn't want something, he would stand his ground. We both agreed that the wedding was more about getting the family name than changing our relationship as we were already commited- children, mortgage etc. In terms of the arguments, it would be general bickering and just seeming to not get on but with him admitting he no longer had any patience with me, they would esculate into bigger arguments than needed.
Author Katie357 Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 Sorry to hear this, OP. Why did you two decide the tie the knot? That's a sincere question. It seems strange that he would suddenly bail only after getting married, after having been together so long. What had you been arguing about after the wedding? How had your relationship been prior to that? I hate to mention it, but any chance he's met someone else? This is something everybody has asked me but he tells me it isn't the case.
DKT3 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 We have both always been of the opinion that getting married wouldn't change us and throughout our time together, it has been something I would say I wanted more than him. However, I wouldn't say he was pushed into getting married. He is the type of person that if he didn't want something, he would stand his ground. We both agreed that the wedding was more about getting the family name than changing our relationship as we were already commited- children, mortgage etc. In terms of the arguments, it would be general bickering and just seeming to not get on but with him admitting he no longer had any patience with me, they would esculate into bigger arguments than needed. Here is what I think...your husband was at least partially checked out before the marriage. He maybe thought it would change something and he would be able to reinvest himself. Once that didn't happen he likely started to want out. Men are not much different than women in the sense that we shut down as well, he has no desire to work on the relationship and that is very telling. You ask how the sudden change of heart...its likely been in the works for a while now...also, start looking through phone records I guessing you will find something there. 2
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