Breaking up with someone who loves you dearly. Am I making the right decision?

[jas098]

Thought I'd start a new post in this section since we've gone from dating to breaking up, to hopefully get a better insight.

 

Some backstory if you want to read through at least the first post or just read my replies.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/672031-my-girlfriend-doesn-t-trust-me-i-ve-done-nothing-wrong

 

I'm having a hard time dealing with the break up because she is promising to do whatever it takes to make it work. I feel like it may be too late but idk. I do really love and care for her but I just don't know if things will change within a reasonable amount of time, if ever.. or if this resentment I've built up can go away if we keep seeing each other.

 

She has started therapy, she goes once a month and has only done 1 session so far, about to be on her second. She says she will go every week if she has to. She says she knows she can change and she will not give up on herself. Though if you look at the text she sent me in my previous post, she even acknowledges it could take years.

 

She calls me crying her eyes out daily wanting me to give us a chance. I'm beginning to feel even more guilty at this point and I am so lost. Part of me believes things won't get better if we stay together and that maybe she will start hiding her insecurities more.. so we will seem better for a good while but they will still eat at her inside. Then part of me feels like she will give it her all to try to make it work because she seems extremely sincere.. so it could possibly work. She is such a loving caring person that I feel awful hurting her so badly.

 

She is offering that we stay together for a few months to see how things are because she says she knows she can change. Or that we could take a break for a month or 2 then try again. She really doesn't want to lose me.

 

Am I making the right decision to be done with this?

[Geraltt]

Am I making the right decision to be done with this?

 

One of the hardest things you may ever have to do is to feel you're abandoning someone in their hour of need.

 

At the same time, you have to take care of yourself first. And if this relationship is doing you damage (you may not think it is, but it clearly is), you are not doing yourself or her any favours by waffling.

 

I detect a hint of "white knight" in your post. It might feel good to ride to her rescue by being Mr Reliable and whatnot, but that's not really doing or her you any good.

 

You are not her counsellor; you are not her therapist. Yes, you can choose to support her and that's fine, but it seems you - and she - has recognized that she has some pretty deep-seated issues. Unless you're a trained professional, you're not in a position to get to those issues and have them resolved.

 

My opinion, FWIW, is to give her the space to focus on her therapy and getting her issues resolved. That means freeing her from the expectations of a relationship, at least for the time being.

 

Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is such a loving caring person that I feel awful hurting her so badly.

 

Ask yourself this: did she consider how much it hurt you to constantly be accused and quizzed and held emotional hostage for previous guys' mistakes?

 

I've no doubt she struggles deeply with insecurity, but where was her caring side when she knew how her poor behaviour was affecting you?

 

I would be very cautious in moving forward with her, based on a hypothetical. There was a very unhealthy dynamic in your relationship that would require a heck of a lot of elbow grease to overcome. She should indeed be in therapy, but given that this is what it took to get her to do anything and you have had a relatively short relationship, I would be more inclined to wish her well on her journey and part ways.

[bitzy61]

I am in a very similar situation. I am with someone of three years. Even though he loves me dearly, even though I had a whole future planned with him, even though he has promised to work on our stuff.....I still feel like moving on is the right thing. Sometimes, therapy and breaktime can be very helpful, but ultimately, if you really don't want to be with someone you DO NOT need a "good reason". They don't have to cheat, they don't have to gain a billion pounds, there doesn't need to be a big fight....you just don't feel the same anymore. and you cant blame yourself for that. You can forgive yourself later, but break up with her if that's what you want.

live out your true feelings.

[basil67]

If you're done, then you're making the right decision. You didn't break this and you have every right to walk away if you don't want to be involved further.

 

Don't ever stay with someone out of pity.

[Garcon1986]

One of the hardest life lessons is knowing when to keep on fighting for a goal, and knowing when a goal is not yours to be scored.

 

This is one of those times.

 

Leave her be. You will find another who will not hold you emotionally hostage. She is unjustified in being suspicious of you all the time despite her traumatic past. She needs to stop doing those things - with a therapist's help.