Ronni_W Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Because he's caring and loving when we're not fighting. No relationship is perfect in this world. <snip> I mean it'd be a different case if I was expressing my unhappiness with anger or hate. When he angrily asked if I was upset with him I responded calmly saying, "I just wanted you to show a little more appreciation". No yelling or screaming. So I didn't expect him to yell.. and oh man.. it hurts so damn much when he yells.When there is anger and yelling from the other side, instead of calm, rational discussion, then it is not your fault, and it is past being a functional relationship. The idea that "no relationship is perfect" should not include the acceptance or tolerance of behaviour and attitudes that clearly do not take into account the other person's feelings. 2
losangelena Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I would find dealing with someone like him to be tedious in the extreme. Screaming and calling someone an idiot has no place in a healthy relationship. I agree with Garcon that your expectations could be dialed down a notch when it comes to anticipating his responses. Yes, he SHOULD show appreciation for the food you make for him, but you could probably leave out things like “special ingredients,” no matter how cute you think it is. Nine times out of ten, he’s not going to respond the way you want, so minimize your own disappointment beforehand. This guy though sounds like a bore. He’s tired all the time and prone to fits of anger? He gets upset when you’re upset? What, are you supposed to be gentle and sweet always? You’re not responsible for his emotions. I think you can do better, partner wise. Stop settling for someone like this. Even if he is sweet and supportive sometimes, y’all have some kind of miscommunication pattern that is causing these blowouts. You haven’t been married for 25 years, you’re dating. Throw in the towel now, don’t waste another year of your life on this. 1
Mrs._December Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Because he's caring and loving when we're not fighting. Honestly. You sound like every abused woman who chooses to stay with her abuser. "But...but...but...he's so loving when he's not abusing me!" I'm not calling him an abuser, but anyone who throws a woman out of his car and makes her walk home because he's having a tantrum is not a caring and loving person. Period. 2
elaine567 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Honestly. You sound like every abused woman who chooses to stay with her abuser. "But...but...but...he's so loving when he's not abusing me!" Exactly. Abusers are not abusers 24/7 else no-one would stick around but it is the "niceness" that is often the hook and it is often why the "victim" puts up with abuse, often escalating year after year... 1
healing light Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Can you imagine what his response would be if you were trying to resolve a real issue? He screams to shut you down. Throws you out of the car over minor misunderstandings. Yells over you. You'll forever be walking on eggshells just to co-exist with him if this is how he handles something small. That's a big fat nope for me. 2
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Can you imagine what his response would be if you were trying to resolve a real issue? He screams to shut you down. Throws you out of the car over minor misunderstandings. Yells over you. This is it. The question you need to ask yourself - why do you allow him to do this to you? Why do you stay with a man who treats you this way? 1
Author Kelliousme Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 This is it. The question you need to ask yourself - why do you allow him to do this to you? Why do you stay with a man who treats you this way? Thank you guys for all the responses/advise. I allow this because I tend to put the blame on myself. Like some of you said, I am sensitive and I did have high expectations and would react in a negative way when it's not met. So I'm thinking this is all my fault and I caused him to behave this way. If I didn't get upset, he wouldn't lash out and scream at me. But there's this other side of me telling me that this man is not worth my time. If he treats me like this then he mostly likely doesn't love me. UPDATE: He texted me saying "If you still want to spend the night at my house let me know. But I won't be sleeping early and I'm sleeping in tomorrow." FYI, I wake up early because I have work in the morning. He lives quite far so he drives me home (I don't drive). The entire time during our relationship he's been waking up early for me. Seems like he's indirectly saying he's not going to wake up early for me anymore.
Garcon1986 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 I think its time to have a meeting of the minds with him. He didn't really say he's not waking up early for you anymore. If there's no room for negotiation on anything, then it's time to pack your bags. Pick a time when both of you are in a relatively good mood.
Gretchen12 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 I would leave any man that tells me to get out of the car. It's a betrayal. A gentleman takes you home even if he's going to end the relationship at your doorstep. This guy is really immature and with bad upbringing. 1
basil67 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 UPDATE: He texted me saying "If you still want to spend the night at my house let me know. But I won't be sleeping early and I'm sleeping in tomorrow." FYI, I wake up early because I have work in the morning. He lives quite far so he drives me home (I don't drive). The entire time during our relationship he's been waking up early for me. Seems like he's indirectly saying he's not going to wake up early for me anymore. OK, so this is him saying (in a very poorly worded manner) that he needs for you to be able to be more independent and not rely on him for all the driving. If you look past the poor wording, it's quite a fair request. Is there a medical reason you can't drive?
Giraffe-A Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 From your previous post, I’m not a fan of blaming emotions on PMS and that’s something you may need to observe from yourself. Guys seem to hate emotions and clinginess. It gets old. You are making this guy feel like he can’t make you happy. You get disappointed, act a certain way, he reacts to your change like he already is expecting to let you down and instead of communicating this trivial thing, you respond with emotions. He can’t win. “So what’s the secret ingredient?” “Love. It was love baby.” *smile* *blush* “I hope you liked it.” Gain some confidence in yourself and stop trying to get validation from him. That thing with the dinner from your previous post. It’s not the end of the world to be late. What does it matter having to wait when you’re next to the person you love? Perfect opportunity to ask about his day or play thumb wars. Thank him for making it to the dinner in such short notice. I feel that when you learn to control your emotions and your reactions, this guy may get a little room to breathe. Be okay with things. Dont sweat the petty stuff and learn to choose your battles. Learn to have fun. 1
losangelena Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Don’t even respond. Wait until he makes it clear that he WANTS to see you, not that he’s willing to let you stay over if “you want to.” Even in the face of disagreement, or if you make him mad, a healthy relationship includes a baseline of care and respect. You are not “making him” react this way. It’s not your fault. He chooses to rage, and call you an idiot, and demand that you get out of his car. Those are explicitly un-loving behaviors, ones that are way over the top, given the situation. 3
stillafool Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Therapy is out of the question. FYI, I don't vent to him anymore. It does seem like we can't get along. Or maybe he's just not good with women. He's been single for a very long time and his past relationships never lasted over a year. Yeah, and I don't see this one lasting that much longer either.
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 I allow this because I tend to put the blame on myself. Like some of you said, I am sensitive and I did have high expectations and would react in a negative way when it's not met. So I'm thinking this is all my fault and I caused him to behave this way. If I didn't get upset, he wouldn't lash out and scream at me. But there's this other side of me telling me that this man is not worth my time. If he treats me like this then he mostly likely doesn't love me. This has nothing to do with your expectations - other than to say that you should expect your boyfriend not to yell at you and make you feel badly about yourself. Any man who yells at me and tells me to get out of his car would not be my boyfriend anymore... That kind of behavior is simply not exceptable in a relationship, IMHO. 2
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