He screamed at me, is it my fault?

[Kelliousme]

Hi guys, this is related to my previous thread. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/668304-he-s-angry-when-i-m-upset

 

Long story short, my boyfriend gets angry when he feels I'm upset with him. After posting that thread we fought twice. Once in November and once today. The fight in November ended up with him screaming at me and calling me an idiot. He told me to get the hell out of his car and go home. The fight stemmed from me being upset with him because of something he did that I didn't like. It's so trivial that I don't even remember it. But I figured it was my fault.. since I shouldn't have gotten upset so I remained calm. I had to calm him down, talk to him in a soft voice, and try make things work. He calmed down later and apologized.

 

Okay, now today.. I made him food. I thought it was cute to tell him that I made it with a secret ingredient (love). He tried the food, didn't really look satisfied and didn't even say thank you. Then he asked me "so.. what's the secret ingredient?", as if the food isn't anything special. I got upset because I was really disappointed that he didn't say thank you or show any appreciation. So I responded, "OKAY just eat it.". He then goes, "Are you upset with me?".

 

After finding out I'm upset with him, he started to SCREAM at me. He just kept yelling and saying how ridiculous I am. I was quite shocked tbh.. because I thought this was a simple problem.. all he had to do was say he's sorry for not saying thank you and say thank you for making me food.

He then said.. "YES I'm yelling at you, either you get out of the car or I'm dropping you off". So this is the first time.. I actually got out of the car because he told me to.. and I walked off.

 

Sorry it's so long. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I feel like it's my fault and I should apologize for being upset but at the same time.. I don't find it OK to scream at me like this even if I'm at fault.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

I can't say he has acted well, but it seems you have expectations which if unmet you initiate a bad vibe. Most dudes will get defensive--be it politely or not so much. It maneuvers them into sounding like they are being aggressive when the woman is the source of the negative change in the vibe. I have had this happen and it gets tiresome in a hurry. I didn't "scream". At first I get unpleasantly surprised that fault is being found with me openly. Then I turn inward. If we smooth it over and it happens again, I smell hopelessness in going forward. It's a sign of co-dependence or worse in the one who doesn't give the benefit of the doubt or chooses to indulge their negativity.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it's rude of him to scream at you. Your relationship isn't healthy or even very enjoyable, from the sounds of it.

 

But - you've been choosing to stay. Why is that?

[Chassit]

I think Ex-Pat nailed it. If it is an ongoing issue and you choose to stay, then yes it is your fault. Otherwise, it is likely not.

[preraph]

I don't want you to take offense, but you've already acknowledged that you have some part in this and are sometimes maybe overreacting or overly sensitive. But I'm just saying you both have problems with interacting rationally with anyone, and seems like especially with each other. I mean, no, you can't just not be allowed to express righteous frustration at him. You acknowledge that your anger isn't always justified or maybe you vent too much at him and he can't fix it, so it makes him mad.

 

It just doesn't sound like you two can get along. It may be that you both need to learn from it and see if you can both adjust your anger levels. Maybe as a last effort you both go to anger management class together. I mean, couples counseling would probably help too. That therapist can view your dynamic and maybe help. But anger management teaches you why you get mad and makes you kind of not WANT to get mad, because the truth is, anger comes from a weak place inside, like fear. Once someone understands the root of it, they may find another way to react.

[Kelliousme]

Yes, it's rude of him to scream at you. Your relationship isn't healthy or even very enjoyable, from the sounds of it.

 

But - you've been choosing to stay. Why is that?

 

Because he's caring and loving when we're not fighting. No relationship is perfect in this world. We fight once a month and I want to reduce it to none, with effort ofc. But this time I was just so upset, I got up and just left without trying to calm him down to resolve the problem.

 

Yes all, I can be very sensitive when it comes to the person I'm romantically involved with. It's difficult to change, but I'm trying. I thought we were making progress. But today, what I thought was a simple problem evolved into him screaming and yelling at me like it's nothing. Perhaps it is my fault, but I just don't know if I can be with a man who screams at me like that... so I walked off.

 

I mean it'd be a different case if I was expressing my unhappiness with anger or hate. When he angrily asked if I was upset with him I responded calmly saying, "I just wanted you to show a little more appreciation". No yelling or screaming. So I didn't expect him to yell.. and oh man.. it hurts so damn much when he yells.

[Kelliousme]

I don't want you to take offense, but you've already acknowledged that you have some part in this and are sometimes maybe overreacting or overly sensitive. But I'm just saying you both have problems with interacting rationally with anyone, and seems like especially with each other. I mean, no, you can't just not be allowed to express righteous frustration at him. You acknowledge that your anger isn't always justified or maybe you vent too much at him and he can't fix it, so it makes him mad.

 

It just doesn't sound like you two can get along. It may be that you both need to learn from it and see if you can both adjust your anger levels. Maybe as a last effort you both go to anger management class together. I mean, couples counseling would probably help too. That therapist can view your dynamic and maybe help. But anger management teaches you why you get mad and makes you kind of not WANT to get mad, because the truth is, anger comes from a weak place inside, like fear. Once someone understands the root of it, they may find another way to react.

 

Therapy is out of the question. FYI, I don't vent to him anymore. It does seem like we can't get along. Or maybe he's just not good with women. He's been single for a very long time and his past relationships never lasted over a year.

[ExpatInItaly]

Because he's caring and loving when we're not fighting. No relationship is perfect in this world. We fight once a month and I want to reduce it to none,

 

There is a significant difference between normal, occasional arguing and screaming, yelling and demanding you get out of his car, OP. And this isn't the first time you have experienced this with him either.

 

A relationship doesn't need to be perfect in order not to involve this toxic dynamic. What you are describing isn't good and isn't sustainable long-term, on a number of levels.

 

So, what have you two tried in order to resolve this problem? Are you sure he still wants to be in the relationship? I believe I said in your last thread and sometimes people stage arguments when what they really want is to break up. Have you considered that he might just simply want out and is waiting for you to pull the plug?

 

I personally could not tolerate this level of drama. As you can see, it's slowly killing your partnership and breeding a lot of resentment. One of my exes was the type to get very angry and scream and generally be belligerent when he got upset. I have not once regretted ending that relationship.

Edited December 29, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Garcon1986]

This sort of thing can wreak havoc on a man's mind if he's not prepared or willing to come to your point of view. If you are ardently against therapy, whether it be for pride, or another reason - let's summarize what our friends have said so far - this thread will count as your therapy only if you choose to change your ways a little -

 

1. You like indirect approaches to get what you want, and you like for him to read your mind.

 

2. He's wrong to yell at you, but he is a much more concrete man than you think he is. He's probably someone who responds well to another person telling him exactly what they mean and being johnny on the spot with everything.

 

3. You think you are showing love - and he interprets things as "I'm going to have to be nervous because I don't know when I will be dinged for sins I didn't commit in my relationship".

 

The way to fix this is to either leave, or teach him how to read your mind and teach him your primary love languages - and for you to in turn learn his love languages. Otherwise he will be forever on edge about when the next fight is going to be, and you will be on edge because you think he doesn't love you enough. It's like the classic youtube video of the woman with a nail in the head, who wants sympathy from her man, but her man provides solutions, and he gets a progressively more angry woman who wants sympathy. The central problem is you both are refusing to meet each other halfway on how you feel most comfortable communicating.

 

Fight fair - and communicate better.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

Because he's caring and loving when we're not fighting. No relationship is perfect in this world. We fight once a month and I want to reduce it to none, with effort ofc. But this time I was just so upset, I got up and just left without trying to calm him down to resolve the problem.

 

Yes all, I can be very sensitive when it comes to the person I'm romantically involved with. It's difficult to change, but I'm trying. I thought we were making progress. But today, what I thought was a simple problem evolved into him screaming and yelling at me like it's nothing. Perhaps it is my fault, but I just don't know if I can be with a man who screams at me like that... so I walked off.

 

I mean it'd be a different case if I was expressing my unhappiness with anger or hate. When he angrily asked if I was upset with him I responded calmly saying, "I just wanted you to show a little more appreciation". No yelling or screaming. So I didn't expect him to yell.. and oh man.. it hurts so damn much when he yells.

 

 

Ya know what he wants? He wants you to value just being with him. Your decision to give him something that you want to give him and then get funky if he doesn't jump through your hoop the right way is indicative of a precedent you already set of finding fault with him. Surely he is not just screaming but is loudly voicing his points as to why being faulted is upsetting to him. If he's just calling you an idiot out of bad temperament, that's wrong, but if he's trying to get you to learn to stop putting him in no win situations where he has no room to be himself and has to fulfill your exact expectation or you start acting bummed, it is on you. My ex-fiance ruined our chance of happiness with her neurotic probing and tendency to show negativity if she didn't get exactly every response she felt was what I should have lived up to. I for one don't live in someone else's head trying guess the perfect word or gesture every moment and won't do it. Eventually I would up yelling a lot too. But I never ever started a fight.

[littleblackheart]

Fault = guilt = blame = shame = unnecessary negative circle steeped in passive-aggressive behaviour, triggering aggressive defence mechanism.

 

After I left my exH, I went into therapy and one of things that stuck was to not look at any situation in terms of 'fault', but in terms of responsibilities.

 

As a couple, you have equal shared responsibility for making each other feel good and to communicate effectively with each other.

 

It seems you can't do that with each other, irrespective of whose 'fault' it is.

 

Your responsibility is to find a solution that is either workable for you both (talk to each other more openly without blaming each other) or for at least one of you, if the other is unwilling to meet the other half-way (ie separating).

[elaine567]

At first I get unpleasantly surprised that fault is being found with me openly. Then I turn inward. If we smooth it over and it happens again, I smell hopelessness in going forward. It's a sign of co-dependence or worse in the one who doesn't give the benefit of the doubt or chooses to indulge their negativity.

 

So no-one is allowed to find fault with you openly?

[Kelliousme]

This sort of thing can wreak havoc on a man's mind if he's not prepared or willing to come to your point of view. If you are ardently against therapy, whether it be for pride, or another reason - let's summarize what our friends have said so far - this thread will count as your therapy only if you choose to change your ways a little -

 

1. You like indirect approaches to get what you want, and you like for him to read your mind.

 

2. He's wrong to yell at you, but he is a much more concrete man than you think he is. He's probably someone who responds well to another person telling him exactly what they mean and being johnny on the spot with everything.

 

3. You think you are showing love - and he interprets things as "I'm going to have to be nervous because I don't know when I will be dinged for sins I didn't commit in my relationship".

 

The way to fix this is to either leave, or teach him how to read your mind and teach him your primary love languages - and for you to in turn learn his love languages. Otherwise he will be forever on edge about when the next fight is going to be, and you will be on edge because you think he doesn't love you enough. It's like the classic youtube video of the woman with a nail in the head, who wants sympathy from her man, but her man provides solutions, and he gets a progressively more angry woman who wants sympathy. The central problem is you both are refusing to meet each other halfway on how you feel most comfortable communicating.

 

Fight fair - and communicate better.

 

I'm confused as to what you mean by I like indirect approaches to get what I want? I don't see myself playing mind games. If he asks, I answer. He asked if I was upset, I told him exactly what was bothering me. Very direct, isn't it? It's not like I told him "I'm fine, nothing is bothering me at all", and act upset the entire day.. I don't get it.

 

I don't need him to read my mind. If we do get upset with each other I just want him to talk to me calmly instead of screaming and yelling.

[Kelliousme]

Ya know what he wants? He wants you to value just being with him. Your decision to give him something that you want to give him and then get funky if he doesn't jump through your hoop the right way is indicative of a precedent you already set of finding fault with him. Surely he is not just screaming but is loudly voicing his points as to why being faulted is upsetting to him. If he's just calling you an idiot out of bad temperament, that's wrong, but if he's trying to get you to learn to stop putting him in no win situations where he has no room to be himself and has to fulfill your exact expectation or you start acting bummed, it is on you. My ex-fiance ruined our chance of happiness with her neurotic probing and tendency to show negativity if she didn't get exactly every response she felt was what I should have lived up to. I for one don't live in someone else's head trying guess the perfect word or gesture every moment and won't do it. Eventually I would up yelling a lot too. But I never ever started a fight.

 

I work 6 days a week with 1 day off to do things I want to do. I still find time to make food for him because that's what he asked for. He wants me to make him food on the weekends. He'd never do the same for me. So the least I expect is for him to show some appreciation that I spent time making him food, no? I think that's normal?

 

There's a difference with being himself and being a dickhead who can't appreciate that someone spent hours doing something for them. I don't expect a "perfect" scenario with a "perfect" response from him. BUT, just show SOME appreciation that someone is willing to do something for you, because I'm not obligated to.

[elaine567]

 

I don't need him to read my mind. If we do get upset with each other I just want him to talk to me calmly instead of screaming and yelling.

 

 

Exactly.

Nothing you conveyed here deserved this extreme reaction from him.

My guess he is on his way out or his true personality is showing through.

He is manufacturing fights and overreacting.

Next you will be walking on eggshells around him if you aren't doing that already...

[smackie9]

What I see is your immature way of showing your discontent. Just out of the blue you stomp off, so it's no wonder he loses it (not that I condone his behavior). HE IS NOT A MIND READER. He was innocent....food put in front of him, eats it, just what guys do. What he's suppose to praise you for everything you do for him? Get over it.

 

This goes way deeper. You feel his inaction is a reflection on how he feels about you. Well guess what, that's not true. Your mistake: it's something you base it on, and it's driving you cray cray. STOP THE MADNESS. Just tell him what happened and how it made you feel in a calm mature manner. Tell him his lack of showing appreciation made you sad or disappointed because you want to make him happy. That it would be nice to have some acknowledgement, not asking for a lot here. I'm sure if you approach things with honesty, it will stop this completely. Don't ever expect a guy to "JUST KNOW", that's why relationships fail...the lack of proper communication.

[basil67]

I work 6 days a week with 1 day off to do things I want to do. I still find time to make food for him because that's what he asked for. He wants me to make him food on the weekends. He'd never do the same for me. So the least I expect is for him to show some appreciation that I spent time making him food, no? I think that's normal?

 

He's not going to show you appreciation because you're doing as he expects. He simply takes for granted that you will do this. He's like the 1950's dad who expects his wife to have his food ready when he gets home from work of an evening and can't comprehend it could be any different.

 

Thing is, you're wanting appreciation from a man who thinks that this is just your basic job. It's not going to happen. At this point, your first step is understanding that he doesn't appreciate your effort. Then work out where to go from that point.

 

For the record, I would never continue to date a man who screamed at me. Nor would I date a man who expects me to cook his meals - unless I was unemployed or a stay at home mum.

 

Does he do his share of the housework in general?

[amaysngrace]

He should’ve at least said thank you. I don’t think you should cook for him on your only day off anymore.

 

If your relationship survives this he should understand why you want him to take you out to eat from now on.

[Kelliousme]

What I see is your immature way of showing your discontent. Just out of the blue you stomp off, so it's no wonder he loses it (not that I condone his behavior). HE IS NOT A MIND READER. He was innocent....food put in front of him, eats it, just what guys do. What he's suppose to praise you for everything you do for him? Get over it.

 

This goes way deeper. You feel his inaction is a reflection on how he feels about you. Well guess what, that's not true. Your mistake: it's something you base it on, and it's driving you cray cray. STOP THE MADNESS. Just tell him what happened and how it made you feel in a calm mature manner. Tell him his lack of showing appreciation made you sad or disappointed because you want to make him happy. That it would be nice to have some acknowledgement, not asking for a lot here. I'm sure if you approach things with honesty, it will stop this completely. Don't ever expect a guy to "JUST KNOW", that's why relationships fail...the lack of proper communication.

 

Oh man.. do you read?!?! Can you please read before you post. Or don't post at all. Anyways.. trying to be nice here..

 

I did not stomp off. He told me to get the hell out of his car and go home. I DID tell him what happened and how it made me feel: unappreciated. FYI, I did so in a CALMLY manner. That's why I said I was "shocked" he started to scream and yell.. because I was not showing any hate or anger. I DID not expect him to mind read me, I told him EXACTLY why I was disappointed/upset. Jesus.. lack of communication is NOT the problem here.

 

You should NEVER take anything for granted. Esp when someone spends their time doing something for you.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

So no-one is allowed to find fault with you openly?

Nope. Not if we want to get along. I treat my love interest with consideration and tact. That's all I ask in return--not some b/s neurosis to bring both of us to conflict and hard feelings. I do my best, always. If it's not good enough, hit the bricks.

[Kelliousme]

He's not going to show you appreciation because you're doing as he expects. He simply takes for granted that you will do this. He's like the 1950's dad who expects his wife to have his food ready when he gets home from work of an evening and can't comprehend it could be any different.

 

Thing is, you're wanting appreciation from a man who thinks that this is just your basic job. It's not going to happen. At this point, your first step is understanding that he doesn't appreciate your effort. Then work out where to go from that point.

 

For the record, I would never continue to date a man who screamed at me. Nor would I date a man who expects me to cook his meals - unless I was unemployed or a stay at home mum.

 

Does he do his share of the housework in general?

 

No, he's kinda lazy and he's always tired from work. He doesn't cook at all. But I'm ok with that, just not ok with the yelling

 

I'd never scream at him the way he does at me. At this point I'm just not sure whether or not I want to put in effort to make things work. Because even if this is entirely my fault, I can easily apologize. But I can't even talk to him right now.. because all I can think of is him yelling/screaming at me like crazy. I can't even look or talk to him right now.

[basil67]

Putting aside the screaming for a minute, are you *really* OK with a lazy guy who doesn't cook or appreciate your efforts? Imagine having kids with him and what type of father he'd make. It would be horrible doing it all on your own.

[preraph]

I'm sure you're always tired from work too. Not helping with the housekeeping would be enough dealbreaker for me, even without the yelling, but either one. Not that there aren't another zillion guys out there just like him, though, so be careful who you choose next time. Find out if they cook and clean. Even a little would help.

[Garcon1986]

You are justified in being irritated at him not taking a bigger share of the housework.

 

He is not justified at yelling at you.

 

You got direct at him only after the argument started - the secret ingredient of love thing is an indirect thing that he probably doesn't get.

 

I think that your dilemma is super common and the reason many couples are in counseling or on the way to divorce. One thing you haven't done yet based upon what you've written - you are setting yourself up for disappointment for expecting your boyfriend to "Get it" and be able to read your mind. I recommend lowering your expectations way down, and explicitly sharing your expectations, and then explicitly hearing his expectations. That way you know what's on each other's mind.

 

Try that see what happens. Or just pack the bags and try for a better man next time.

[smackie9]

Oh man.. do you read?!?! Can you please read before you post. Or don't post at all. Anyways.. trying to be nice here..

 

I did not stomp off. He told me to get the hell out of his car and go home. I DID tell him what happened and how it made me feel: unappreciated. FYI, I did so in a CALMLY manner. That's why I said I was "shocked" he started to scream and yell.. because I was not showing any hate or anger. I DID not expect him to mind read me, I told him EXACTLY why I was disappointed/upset. Jesus.. lack of communication is NOT the problem here.

 

You should NEVER take anything for granted. Esp when someone spends their time doing something for you.

I was talking about when he didn't thank you for the meal you made, nothing about the car incident. And yes lack of proper communication. He's getting defensive and abrupt, not out of the blue. If he did he would be freakin out on you everyday. I'm not condoning his screaming, but I see two people who are simply just don't understand each other.

 

 

The result is this... you are unhappy with his behavior, you can't say anything to him, he's not going to change...break up.

Edited December 29, 2018 by smackie9