Emotional affair with girl at work

[Bear1987]

I'm engaged and have been chatting to a woman in work who is married for over a year now in person and text on Snapchat, but the last 5 months the online talk has gotten more intense. We tell each other everything about our relationships especially when its bad and we've seen far more of each others bodies via snaps than we should have. I enjoy talking to her and she says she enjoys it too as its fun and exciting, the problem is I'm falling for this woman.

 

We've had many open conversations and she asked me if i fancied her to which i told her i did, i asked her if she felt the same way but she said no...... The confusion for me though is she tells me shes too shy in person so her real self comes out online where she can hide behind her phone. On there we talk normally and incredibly dirty. She tells me things she wants to do with me, then says she's not interested in me but then continues to send me pics and have intimate conversations.

 

I know the whole thing isn't healthy as we both still love our partners, i would never leave mine but at the same time i really want this woman and more than anything i just want to hear her say it too, we dont even have to sleep together despite me really wanting to. I've told 2 of my friends and they both think she feels the same way about me as i do her as why else would she say and do things but if that were true, why doesn't she just say it?

 

Anyway sorry for the rant just needed to get it off my chest a little. If anyone could help shed some light on what i should do I'd greatly appreciate it, just really like this woman.

Edited December 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to OM/OW

[Sarah_Smiles]

I think you both like the fantasy and naughty getting away with it, without having to commit to anything full-on sexual with each other because of both still being with partners. I think at least you should step away, imagine how incredibly hurt your loved one would feel if she ever found out, or read the dirty chats or this woman ever confronted her. Some people wouldn't see an emotional dirty chat only as cheating, but to me, it is and to others probably too. It all depends on where your boundaries lay. I always think if you cannot tell your partner something and you do in secret you know it is wrong and it will hurt them, or you are scared they would leave you for it and with that, you shouldn't continue.

[FMW]

If your fiance was having a similar relationship with a man she worked with what would you think SHE should do? That's your answer right there, it's not a mystery.

 

And this married woman? At best, she's a tease. At worst, she's a headcase.

[Bear1987]

Thanks for your outlook, i get what you're saying but in all honesty I dont want to stop. Yes i have a SO but I'm infatuated with this person, plus she listens to me and makes me feel appreciated which lately my SO hasn't been doing and my AP said she feels the same (besides the infatuation bit) as she jas to fish for compliments from her SO. Part of me knows its bad and should walk away but another part of me wants to see where this goes in the hopes ot may go further.

[FMW]

Which would be cool if you both didn't have someone else you made commitments to.

[Bear1987]

Which would be cool if you both didn't have someone else you made commitments to.

I get what you're saying, really do. Have you been in this kind of situation yourself?

[Geraltt]

You're treading on very, very thin ice.

 

Picture yourself six to twelve months down the road, having consummated this relationship. What good can come of it? You'll have cheated on your partner, she will have cheated on hers, things between you will be awkward.

 

What's the upside? Some short-term excitement? Some fluttering of glands?

 

Think it through.

[Lotus_Luna]

Dude, run!

 

Shes using you to boost her ego. She is manipulating you!

 

She may want you a little but getting you hot and bothered is her goal. She has something broken and needs validation from men to feel desired and attractive.

[carhill]

The confusion for me though is she tells me shes too shy in person so her real self comes out online where she can hide behind her phone. On there we talk normally and incredibly dirty. She tells me things she wants to do with me, then says she's not interested in me but then continues to send me pics and have intimate conversations.

 

Other than advising you to move on and focus on your engagement, I'll opine nearly every similar woman I've been involved with in life who demonstrates these behaviors has been either mentally ill or abusing substances or both. Bi-polar and cocaine back in the 80's was epic.

[FMW]

I get what you're saying, really do. Have you been in this kind of situation yourself?

 

I entered into an affair (which started with inappropriate conversations and texts, like you are having with this married woman) a few months before telling my husband I wanted a divorce. We had discussed the possibility of divorce before that when I confronted him about his numerous affairs, but I hadn't made it definite. I already knew my marriage was over and just hadn't worked up the nerve to end it officially (I'm not saying that makes it ok, it didn't).

 

I don't get doing this when you and apparently the married woman still want to hold onto your "committed" relationships. It's very likely to explode in your faces.

[Bear1987]

I entered into an affair (which started with inappropriate conversations and texts, like you are having with this married woman) a few months before telling my husband I wanted a divorce. We had discussed the possibility of divorce before that when I confronted him about his numerous affairs, but I hadn't made it definite. I already knew my marriage was over and just hadn't worked up the nerve to end it officially (I'm not saying that makes it ok, it didn't).

 

I don't get doing this when you and apparently the married woman still want to hold onto your "committed" relationships. It's very likely to explode in your faces.

Thing is i still love my fiencee but we hardly if ever have sex any more, and as for the married woman, i don't really get what her thing is except shes always saying she wouldn't leave her husband. Like lotus luna said in their post i think she's just using me to boost her ego. I dunno, i know that its a messy situation to be in regardless and the right thing to do would be to walk away but i have and addictive personality and I'll be honest I'm addicted to talking to her, i also hate backing down drom a challenge and i know its bad but that's how I'm beginning to see it a litle now a days....i couldn't really care about the pics she sends me its more that when i talk to her face to face and online i dont feel like I'm talking to a brick wall like I do at home. I feel like im actually being listened to and she's said as much too. The only reason i put this on here tbh was in the hope that someone could tell me they'd gone through the exact same thing and how to come out unscathed or even how to have my cake and eat it too. I guess more than anything I'm scared of walking away and losing that emotional connection, especially when I'm not getting it at home.

[Cersei]

Thing is i still love my fiencee but we hardly if ever have sex any more, and as for the married woman, i don't really get what her thing is except shes always saying she wouldn't leave her husband. Like lotus luna said in their post i think she's just using me to boost her ego. I dunno, i know that its a messy situation to be in regardless and the right thing to do would be to walk away but i have and addictive personality and I'll be honest I'm addicted to talking to her, i also hate backing down drom a challenge and i know its bad but that's how I'm beginning to see it a litle now a days....i couldn't really care about the pics she sends me its more that when i talk to her face to face and online i dont feel like I'm talking to a brick wall like I do at home. I feel like im actually being listened to and she's said as much too. The only reason i put this on here tbh was in the hope that someone could tell me they'd gone through the exact same thing and how to come out unscathed or even how to have my cake and eat it too. I guess more than anything I'm scared of walking away and losing that emotional connection, especially when I'm not getting it at home.

 

You are going to end up with neither of these women soon. If your fiance is not having much sex with you, this won't last.

 

Once the texting woman gets her filll of ego boosting or gets caught, it won't last either.

 

Perhaps rethink this all for your own good.

[elaine567]

Dude, run!

 

Shes using you to boost her ego. She is manipulating you!

 

She may want you a little but getting you hot and bothered is her goal. She has something broken and needs validation from men to feel desired and attractive.

 

 

Ok but what about him?

Is he not using her to boost his ego? Is he not manipulating her?

Is he not broken and needs validation from women to make him feel desired and attractive?

[Bear1987]

Ok but what about him?

Is he not using her to boost his ego? Is he not manipulating her?

Is he not broken and needs validation from women to make him feel desired and attractive?

Not sure how i feel about being called broken lol, but you do raise a good point.

I hadn't really thought about it as ego boosting for me, rather just someone else i could be myself with.

[FMW]

Loving your fiance (and her loving you) isn't enough for a successful relationship. From the way you describe your relationship I'm not sure why you are so sure you want to hold to it. What you're describing generally doesn't improve over time, it gets worse. But now I understand your attraction and fascination with this married woman.

[Malin889]

It’s rather selfish to keep things going with both people. If you really care about both of them, you should let go of one of them, don’t you think? Why did you get engaged if she’s not giving you everything you need?

[Mr. Lucky]

The only reason i put this on here tbh was in the hope that someone could tell me they'd gone through the exact same thing and how to come out unscathed or even how to have my cake and eat it too.

 

No, I've never been in your situation.

 

But I've never understood why those in your shoes don't understand you're dealing with two separate issues - the more pressing problems with your fiance and your attraction to this woman.

 

Were your "friend" not on the scene, you'd still be left with an emotionally distant and sexually unsatisfying relationship. Unless you're planning a lifetime of cake-eating, marriage makes no sense under those circumstances. Address that first and you may find some clarity in your other options...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bear1987]

It’s rather selfish to keep things going with both people. If you really care about both of them, you should let go of one of them, don’t you think? Why did you get engaged if she’s not giving you everything you need?

We got engaged a long time ago but we just never had the money to get married, as every time we saved some something else kept coming up where we had to spend it elsewhere

[Bear1987]

"Loving your fiance (and her loving you) isn't enough for a successful relationship. From the way you describe your relationship I'm not sure why you are so sure you want to hold to it. What you're describing generally doesn't improve over time, it gets worse. But now I understand your attraction and fascination with this married woman."

 

I probably should have mentioned it earlier but i have kids with my fiancee, hence why I'm trying to hold on to this relationship

[Mrs._December]

Anyway sorry for the rant just needed to get it off my chest a little. If anyone could help shed some light on what i should do I'd greatly appreciate it, just really like this woman.

What you should do about what?

 

I probably should have mentioned it earlier but i have kids with my fiancee, hence why I'm trying to hold on to this relationship

So, you two have to kids to support, and can't afford a wedding. Not good planning.

 

I don't know why people can't seem to learn that that it NEVER WORKS when you 'stay for the kids.' It's an exercise in futility putting on the hair shirt and turning yourself into a 'martyr' for the next 15 or 20 years because you 'cant leave because of the children.'

 

That's such a cliche excuse SO many use because the truth is that they're too afraid and too weak-willed to find their spines and make the necessary changes in their lives to move onto something better. So they stay right where they WANT to stay and use the kids as their excuse for why they 'have' to stay.

 

And that's what I get from your post. You'll martyr yourself 'for the children' but in the meantime, you'll jump on any opportunity that comes your way.

 

Got it.

 

Nothing new to see here, folks.

[somanymistakes]

"Loving your fiance (and her loving you) isn't enough for a successful relationship. From the way you describe your relationship I'm not sure why you are so sure you want to hold to it. What you're describing generally doesn't improve over time, it gets worse. But now I understand your attraction and fascination with this married woman."

 

I probably should have mentioned it earlier but i have kids with my fiancee, hence why I'm trying to hold on to this relationship

 

If you want to hold on to that relationship, though, you need to actually hold on to that relationship.

 

Not just kind of keep it in the back as 'yeah technically i'm with this girl and technically we're engaged but we're not really into each other anymore'.

 

You guys need to talk. You haven't had much excitement in your relationship lately, right? Things getting kind of stale? You may both feel bored, frustrated, and unappreciated. You need to TALK to each other and figure out what you both want.

 

Do you want to try and juice things back up again? Then you probably need to change how you're currently behaving. Not necessarily full couples counseling, but at least date nights, reconnecting, time away from the kids.

 

Would you both rather be happier if you were seeing other people? Then maybe you should make arrangements to do co-parenting without being in a romantic relationship. It's not exactly rare! LOTS of people share kids with someone they're not married to.

 

Treat your fiancee like a person with a mind of her own. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel, what you want, what you're not sure about, and listen to what she has to say in exchange.

[Bear1987]

What you should do about what?

 

So, you two have to kids to support, and can't afford a wedding. Not good planning.

 

I don't know why people can't seem to learn that that it NEVER WORKS when you 'stay for the kids.' It's an exercise in futility putting on the hair shirt and turning yourself into a 'martyr' for the next 15 or 20 years because you 'cant leave because of the children.'

 

That's such a cliche excuse SO many use because the truth is that they're too afraid and too weak-willed to find their spines and make the necessary changes in their lives to move onto something better. So they stay right where they WANT to stay and use the kids as their excuse for why they 'have' to stay.

 

And that's what I get from your post. You'll martyr yourself 'for the children' but in the meantime, you'll jump on any opportunity that comes your way.

 

Got it.

 

Nothing new to see here, folks.

I'm not using my kids as an excuse, I'm just giving more of an insight into my situation. If it sounds that way i apologise but what i meant is that i love my kids and as a child of a broken home myself i don't want the same for them. The truth is i still love their mother despite what you might think.

 

And as for "jumping on any opportunity that comes my way" - you couldn't be further from the truth. I never set out to have an emotional affair with this woman and nor did i ever plan on it getting this far. Sure i thought she was attractive when i first laid eyes on her but this is the first person since my SO that i have had any romantic feelings for. And i always promised myself I'd never turn out like my father and have worked hard my whole adult life to not be the same and jump into bed with the first woman who gives me attention while my mrs is at home with the kids..... And so far i still haven't turned out like him. I know i should break it off with this woman and have minimal contact but i really am developing feelings for her and it scares me. Which is why i decided to voice it here..... Maybe i should pull this woman to one side and tell her what's in my mind but I'm also scared of her rejecting me or worse admitting to feeling the same way.... I know you're probably thinking how is that worse, well what if she says that she feels the same way but doesn't want to leave her husband? Then we're both stuck knowing we have feelings for eachother and cant do anything about it, or the other option is she says she does and suggests we leave our families and be together, i don't know if i could honestly cope with only seeing my kids on weekends.

 

I'm sure you probably think me an even bigger dick than before now but I'm simply voicing what is going on in my head on a daily basis

[Bear1987]

If you want to hold on to that relationship, though, you need to actually hold on to that relationship.

 

Not just kind of keep it in the back as 'yeah technically i'm with this girl and technically we're engaged but we're not really into each other anymore'.

 

You guys need to talk. You haven't had much excitement in your relationship lately, right? Things getting kind of stale? You may both feel bored, frustrated, and unappreciated. You need to TALK to each other and figure out what you both want.

 

Do you want to try and juice things back up again? Then you probably need to change how you're currently behaving. Not necessarily full couples counseling, but at least date nights, reconnecting, time away from the kids.

 

Would you both rather be happier if you were seeing other people? Then maybe you should make arrangements to do co-parenting without being in a romantic relationship. It's not exactly rare! LOTS of people share kids with someone they're not married to.

 

Treat your fiancee like a person with a mind of her own. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel, what you want, what you're not sure about, and listen to what she has to say in exchange.

Thank you for your insight. Your description of my relationship is bang on.

I dont want to leave her and in all honesty i dont know if I'd want to be with this other girl even if she did admit to feeling the same. All i know is as well as still loving my fiancee i also have these incredibly strong feelings for this other girl and haven't been this emotionally intimate with anyone except my fiancee, which isn't what i ever set out to do.

[Lotus_Luna]

Thank you for your insight. Your description of my relationship is bang on.

I dont want to leave her and in all honesty i dont know if I'd want to be with this other girl even if she did admit to feeling the same. All i know is as well as still loving my fiancee i also have these incredibly strong feelings for this other girl and haven't been this emotionally intimate with anyone except my fiancee, which isn't what i ever set out to do.

 

Its not uncommon to disconnect when you have young children. You fell im love with the high of the affair. Which isn’t sustainable.

 

Im about two years into mine and its no longer butterflies and all that.

 

You haven’t stated any major red flags in your current relationship. You both just need an opportunity to nuture your relationship.

 

Take iniative. Start helping more around the house. Take a few wvenibgs yo docus on her. Instead of making sex the goal, make her pleasure the highlight. The more sex we have, the more we want it. Give yourself a few months, like 3, where you date her. Spoil her, focus on rediscovering her.

[LonelyITGuy]

I'm engaged and have been chatting to a woman in work who is married for over a year now in person and text on Snapchat, but the last 5 months the online talk has gotten more intense. We tell each other everything about our relationships especially when its bad and we've seen far more of each others bodies via snaps than we should have. I enjoy talking to her and she says she enjoys it too as its fun and exciting, the problem is I'm falling for this woman.

 

We've had many open conversations and she asked me if i fancied her to which i told her i did, i asked her if she felt the same way but she said no...... The confusion for me though is she tells me shes too shy in person so her real self comes out online where she can hide behind her phone. On there we talk normally and incredibly dirty. She tells me things she wants to do with me, then says she's not interested in me but then continues to send me pics and have intimate conversations.

 

I know the whole thing isn't healthy as we both still love our partners, i would never leave mine but at the same time i really want this woman and more than anything i just want to hear her say it too, we dont even have to sleep together despite me really wanting to. I've told 2 of my friends and they both think she feels the same way about me as i do her as why else would she say and do things but if that were true, why doesn't she just say it?

 

Anyway sorry for the rant just needed to get it off my chest a little. If anyone could help shed some light on what i should do I'd greatly appreciate it, just really like this woman.

 

I think you're kidding yourself. If you're doing this WHILE YOU'RE ENGAGED, you're not ready to be married to your fiancee. Period. This is a red flag that WILL come back to bite you in the ass down the road.