Am i over thinking

[confused83]

Whenever me and my partner are together she's always tired by 9pm at the very latest. We can be watching films or something and its even happened earlier than 9 where she will say shes exhausted and wants to go to bed. We go to bed and she will easily be asleep by 9 or 10. Now whenever we are apart (and it isnt a one off thing), shes never asleep before 1 or 2am.

 

We're spending nye together and she said a few days ago how she worried she'll not stay awake for it as she said 'you know how i struggle to stay awake'. Yesterday it was the usual story, text me ar 9.30 ish saying 'im going to sleep miss you', then at 1.45am shes still on whatsapp and instagram so i finally caved & text her. This is our conversation:

 

Me: how come youre asleep by 9 with me but apart youre always up at gone 1am haha are you ok?

 

Her: i cant sleep without you

 

Then we exchanged 2 or 3 normal texts then she said 'right im finally going to sleep now im tired'. So i said 'so youve not tried yet? I thought you said you couldnt sleep? She then admits the other text was a lie & she was just trying to be cute and the real reason was shes catching up on her shows.

 

I said goodnight and left it at that. Am i over thinking this? Why lie? Why stay up apart?

[frankspeci]

It is strange in my opinion. Probably worth getting to the bottom of. Probably also help if she'd be honest with you. How long have you been together?

 

The reason might not be bad though. People can behave differently with their significant other sometimes compared to when they are alone. There were a few girls who I would lose my appetite with because I was nervous, so I always ate very little around them. But when I went home I would eat a lot more.

 

Or I would always keep my apartment super clean when they came over, and they thought I was a neat freak. Less so when they weren't around.

 

Your girl could feel more free to be her normal slobby late night self when shes away from you but doesnt want to do that with you. Who knows?

Edited December 29, 2018 by frankspeci

[d0nnivain]

What are you doing on those nights when you are apart? If she's out & about, moving dancing getting stimulation from multiple sources (lights, sound, conversation) it kicks up her adrenaline. At home cuddling on the couch triggers a rest response.

[confused83]

Thats what i find strange about it. Yesterday we visited my family who live 100 miles away so it was a really long day. I dropped her back home about 8pm and she said she was exhausted. I drove home then ar 9.30ish she said she was going to sleep.

 

So to me she'd of been more able to sleep than when shes with me watching films. She also said last night she was catching uo on her shows that i dont like to watch yet she doesnt have a tv in her room only a mobile phone. So she said shes watched the series on her phone. To me it seemed odd that whenever we are together she struggles to watch a 50inch tv without feeling tired yet apart she can stay up till 2am holding a 5inch phone screen to her face?

 

She said i was over thinking it when i asked, but it just seems odd that she can watch tv on her mobile phone from 9 - 1am and not feel tired yet together shes always tired.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe your presence gives her a feeling of security & peace she doesn't get when you are apart. I know every little noise wakes me when my husband is traveling & not home.

[confused83]

Maybe your presence gives her a feeling of security & peace she doesn't get when you are apart. I know every little noise wakes me when my husband is traveling & not home.

 

It could be that but when she has work the following day it seems strange to stay up watching films on your phone rather than try to sleep.

[smackie9]

It's her alone time. Some people just enjoy binging on Netflix or gaming.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're not overthinking. You're thinking.

 

Seems like the deeper issue here is her presence or lack of presence when she's with you. There's a time issue. She comes over (or you go to her?) and she goes to sleep early ... but then when away, she stays up late.

 

Wild, wild guess here. Any chance there is some sexual abuse in her past? I am going to assume her going to sleep early when with you interferes with your sexual and romantic life.

 

Sounds like she's hiding from you and making herself unavailable. She could have some serious fears about intimacy. That's when I mention possible sexual abuse and trauma. That's just a wild guess.

 

Or ... any chance she likes you but is not physically attracted to you? So she withdraws and goes to bed early in order to not be physically in contact with you during prime love-making hours.

 

Definitely worth pursuing. Definitely behavior I would be troubled by. By the way, you need to talk in person about this and lose the "haha" when you text her. This is serious. Don't undermine yourself with some playful "haha."

 

You get no good answer from her and the same pattern continues ... let her go and move on.

[Giraffe-A]

I don’t know. I’m guilty of this. Before meeting my ex, I stayed up on FB and Youtube all night long unable to sleep. By 9pm he was asleep. I could totally fall asleep by his time when I was with him but when I was in my house, I could not sleep until 3am. And there’s really nothing you can do past midnight except chat or watch Youtbe. With my ex, we could be watching a movie and I’d be asleep before it ended. I felt safe, at ease, and comfortable with him. Checking up on her on other outlets gets annoying after a while.

[confused83]

I dont mind but she also hates texting so when shes always Online at night shes obviously bored but we dont talk. I am a texter ill admit i prefer it to a phone call, my partner is completley opposite. Me and my ex would text to say good morning, good night and in between it never felt awkard. Me and my current gf are worlds apart in that respect. Ive never received a good morning text and a usual day for us if we are apart is ill get a text on her dinner (sometimes i dont get anything all day), and then she'll ring me for a 5 min chat most days about 6pm. It feels a bit like im on a clock where that 5 min call im allowed to talk, the rest i cant.

 

I did bring it up early on & she said how she hates texting as she has dyslexia so her spelling embarrises her. I assured her the spelling doesnt bother me but i agreed id not text as much. Now i feel like shes got it her way as i personally dont like phone calls. Id prefer to text while watching a film for example, but a phone call im having to pause whatever im doing, a text i dont.

 

I didnt mind at 1st but its slowly grating on me, it's annoying me that its bothering me as the rest of us is good but its getting to this point where we are saying goodnight after our phone call then im just missing talking. Then when she likes my instagram posts etc in the early hours its started to annoy me that weve not text or spoke for hours but shes obviously bored & browsing social media.

 

Its also got to a Point where we meet and struggle for conversation at 1st and for me thats because we havent kept contact in between so have nothing to talk about to get the conversation going. When we do its fine but the 1st half hour always seems awkward because weve been distant in my eyes.

 

For example tonight i was watching a program we both like, i wrote out a funny text about it then deleted it because i just felt like there was no point bothering her with a text when she hates them. But to me in my past relationships we'd text then when we met it would be instant conversation carrying on from what wed spoke about on text.

 

Any ideas what i can do about this? as i can feel like its grating on me and making me see other issues that probably arent even there. Together we are amazing in person but apart i just feel.... lonely to be honest. I sometimes feel slightly single. For the record im not a huge texter myself especially if im With friends or at work, but when I'm sat watching tv and I know my partner is also watching tv im used to keeping contact, flirting over text, talking. She text me tonight saying 'sorry i know we said goodnight but i left my watch at yours can you bring it when we next meet' i said 'why say sorry? Thats fine' she said 'because wed said goodnight and now ive text you' so i realised this was my chance to say how i feel so i replied 'thats fine babe id happily text you i just dont because know you hate it' she replied 'thanks babe' so that basically went on deaf ears.

 

As i say at 1st it didnt bother me as much as i tried to just give her what she wants but i feel like a huge part of the relationship is missing. If im shopping or watching something that reminds me of her i like to say So. Shes the type where ill meet her and ill say 'i dreamed about you last night for the 1st time' she replies 'i did a few days ago haha' but why not tell me at the time? Im used to a talkative woman, someone whod have something weird like a dream.happen & shed wake and instantly text me, not just wake up and get on with her day. Ive told her 2 or 3 times nicely now that id love to hear things like that but it doesnt change anything. Ive started to feel like im pushed to 1 side until needed, & ive also changed because i never text her 1st anymore i write texts and delete them thinking i cant be bothered because i feep like itll iust annoy her. Its making me feel like if i text her 'good morning missed waking up with you' id feel incredibly clingy which ive never felt with anyone before her. I know i should just chill and not text her but i actually miss it and now i feel like im knit picking for other things which isnt fair on her. The last time i brought the issue up about 2 minths ago she said 'i only text you i never text anyone but i know you like it' so i feel a complete tool for pushing for something she clearly doesnt do. I know shes like this with every one as people will tag her on facebook she'll 'like' the post but never reply. I also know if shes dyslexic i understand why she wont like it so how can i stop feeling like im missing something so stupid like texting??

 

She will text if its something big but i am missing the small talk and flirting over text. I keep getting to a stage where im really loved up with her, ill go to work happy, go home and then text her something flirty and ill be lucky to get an emoji back which just makes me go distant then because i feel stupidly neglected i guess. Weirdly my ex would text me a lot and i never missed it or felt i needed to even respond straight away. Now im not getting that its actually suprising how much you miss it. Its hard when you feel like youre trying and you just get shut down. For example i was shopping for food, i sent her a photo of her favorite thing where the shelf was empty and added 'i guess youve been here the stores sold out haha' she replied with a laughing emoji.... so to me that was another conversation over so now i just dont even bother to text her as it saves that horrible feeling like she cant be bothered with us. Its not that she isnt bothered either as shes asked me to move in with her but its just how its slowly making me feel, like when we're apart she doesnt feel any need to keep contact or talk & I'm tired of feeling like a clingy idiot for wanting a few texts and i hate how its slowly for me killimg the connection we have because when we meet our conversations are always started the sane way 'how was work what you been up to' where as if we actually text wed have things to talk about carrying on from it.

Edited December 29, 2018 by confused83