beautifulearth83 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I started talking to this girl a few months ago. We met at a bonfire gathering. She has been on my mind every day since. She knows I like her and she has said she likes me too. She unfortunately has been in and out of treatment for addiction, so we haven't been able to go on a proper date, though I've tried. I am a recovering addict as well (sober 5 years). I believe she has been clean for a little bit now and she says she's in a good place. We message each other on Facebook once in awhile (I usually reach out) and we have talked on the phone a couple times. It is limited though because there are rules where she is living right now. She always says things like she misses me so much, etc. But I really feel like I am putting so much more into this. One day I sort of decided that I would back off and I didn't contact her, then she sent me a song and said the lyrics were to me. She said that to her the lyrics meant something to the extent of "don't pass me by. wait for this time to be over until I get back to you". The song says things like "let this feeling grow" and "be gentle with me" and "take it slow". So I sort of take that as don't come on too strong, give her some breathing room and be patient, etc. But it is so hard because I think about her all the time and just want to tell her things and hear her voice. But maybe that is selfish, considering the fact that she is trying to get her life together. I guess I'm posting this because it is driving me a little crazy. I crave the next time I'm going to talk with her, and I dream about the day we can actually spend time together. Something about "us" feels so right. She IS the kind of girl I would happily wait for, but I don't want to be dragged along either. And I'm not sure she is the kind of girl that would do that, and she seems sincere, but missing her has turned into a sort of sadness for me, and I feel like I've invested a lot of time, energy and emotion into something that isn't even really set in stone yet. I guess I would like to hear some of your thoughts and perspective on this. The song, her possible intentions/motives, etc. I know you don't know either of us so it is probably hard to say, but any insight/advice would be greatly appreciated.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 Wanting to bump this so I am typing all this random text for the 100 character minimum
Normm Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Drug addicts are notoriously unreliable and unpredictable. Her erratic behavior is no surprise. Learn to recognize the red flags when they're blowing in your face. Aim higher. 1
NuevoYorko Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Drug addicts are notoriously unreliable and unpredictable. Her erratic behavior is no surprise. Learn to recognize the red flags when they're blowing in your face. Aim higher. Well ... the OP is a recovering addict themselves, so perhaps they don't feel the same way as you do about being one. OP - since you are in recovery yourself, I'm sure you've heard or been advised when you were newer to wait until you'd been clean for a year before getting into a relationship or making any significant life changing decisions. Sounds like she is newly clean. She is probably following good advice. I don't think you should wait, or feel "dragged along." Do you want to get to know her and hang out with possibly no "return" other than getting to know her, or will you be expecting your payout when she has her life together? If the latter, just stop talking to her and move on. 3
Author beautifulearth83 Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 Well ... the OP is a recovering addict themselves, so perhaps they don't feel the same way as you do about being one. OP - since you are in recovery yourself, I'm sure you've heard or been advised when you were newer to wait until you'd been clean for a year before getting into a relationship or making any significant life changing decisions. Sounds like she is newly clean. She is probably following good advice. I don't think you should wait, or feel "dragged along." Do you want to get to know her and hang out with possibly no "return" other than getting to know her, or will you be expecting your payout when she has her life together? If the latter, just stop talking to her and move on. Thanks, I just think she's cool and we get along, but she says things to me that a girlfriend or potential girlfriend would say, and then she's not there, so I kind of feel like I'm always waiting. It's really hard. So either she is messing with me, or she is just going through a lot and needs to figure things out. And she has been to treatment a ton of times and has been around the program. I have expressed all this to her, that I respect her sobriety before anything else. So I guess I sort of have to put my big boy pants on and just give her space even if it means I'm afraid of losing her. It's just difficult. But I am doing good. I haven't reached out since the other day so I will just keep working on myself. 1
spiderowl Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Something doesn't seem right. You want contact, to be with her; she doesn't seem to have the time or motivation. It may be that getting clean is taking up her energy - I don't know - you would have a better idea than me about that. I have a feeling that she is keeping you at bay. She is expressing romantic feelings but they may not be directed at you but at what she wants from life in general. I think if she was as keen as you, she would crave contact and attention from you like you do from her. I would suggest you back off and find someone else. Are you waiting for her to suddenly see you as important in her life? If she is not responding positively and eagerly to any contact from you, then she is less interested than you.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted December 31, 2018 Author Posted December 31, 2018 Something doesn't seem right. You want contact, to be with her; she doesn't seem to have the time or motivation. It may be that getting clean is taking up her energy - I don't know - you would have a better idea than me about that. I have a feeling that she is keeping you at bay. She is expressing romantic feelings but they may not be directed at you but at what she wants from life in general. I think if she was as keen as you, she would crave contact and attention from you like you do from her. I would suggest you back off and find someone else. Are you waiting for her to suddenly see you as important in her life? If she is not responding positively and eagerly to any contact from you, then she is less interested than you. Thank you. I know that she has been jumping all over the place to different halfway houses and detoxes. They have rules about cell phones there and encourage you to focus on yourself. She also mentioned that she has a parole officer, so I don't know if that maybe affects things. I've never had one so I don't know. Maybe she lives in fear. I believe her drug of choice was heroin and maybe a few other things, so it could be at times she misses those things more than she misses me. I don't know. Maybe in a sick way I would like to be her heroin. I don't know. I do feel kept at bay. Perhaps I represent what she wants, but not at this time and not necessarily with me. Perhaps I need to accept that and move on. It seems that when I pull away and/or don't contact her for awhile, she expresses that she misses me or begins to engage more. Then after a decent conversation or two, her inbox is left with like 10 messages from me and not a peep from her. Then I am left wondering what's on her mind, whether or not she's alive, and if I just come across as a little too enthusiastic. Or if she just likes the attention, validation, etc. - but when I do talk to her, I don't feel that way. Our conversations seem very loving and sincere and connected. I suppose I would like to be considered as important to her as she is to me, but also know she has other things in the way. I guess I just sort of wish she would say it in a more straight forward way. The song she sent me basically said for me to wait until this chapter is over or whatever, which I could probably do, but it is painful and full of uncertainty. So my challenge is filling my time and not letting the despair which exists as a result of missing her drag me down. And maybe putting myself out there and seeing what else the world has to offer is a good idea. I just need to control myself as far as contacting her goes. And honestly the next time she says she misses me or otherwise, I'm probably not going to react so enthusiastically. I need more tangible proof that she means what she says.
Mrs._December Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 (edited) Drug addicts are notoriously unreliable and unpredictable. Her erratic behavior is no surprise. Learn to recognize the red flags when they're blowing in your face. Aim higher. My only regret is that I could only 'like' the above post ONCE. OP, you're not going to listen to anyone and you'll continue pursuing this girl whose going to be nothing but a hot mess in your life. But if you're sober for 5 years, you know that it's not a good idea for anyone to get into any kind of relationship for the first year of sobriety. Edited December 31, 2018 by Mrs._December 1
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Someone like her can "trigger" your addiction. It would be wise to never date someone who is or has been an addict. I sense your hopelessness, so I suggest you go talk with your sponsor or counselor. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Congratulations on your sobriety. I think NA & AA recommend that people have at least 1 full year of sobriety under their belts before they start dating. The trials & tribulations of a new relationship can be too much for some to bear. She may not be strong enough. Do talk to your sponsor about your longings & the advisability of pursuing her. Suggest she also talk to her sponsor. Right now you both need those other voices because she is not in a place where she can make good decisions on her own. If she only has been clean "for a little bit" you trying to date her may put her recovery in danger.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted December 31, 2018 Author Posted December 31, 2018 Thanks everybody. I have already talked to my sponsor and I know the answer. I just wanted to hear it from somebody else and get some perspective. I will back off and if she is in a good place in a year or so and it is meant to be, it will be. I care enough about her to let her go. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 You are being kept at bay but that is where she has to be right now. She's struggling to keep a needle out of her arm & a roof over her head & not go back to jail. She doesn't have the time, energy or emotional reserves to be in a relationship. Trust your higher power to bring you where you need to be & repeat your serenity prayer about this situation. Her situation is one of those things that you can't change so rely on that wisdom. She needs you to be on Step 12 with her because she's still on step #1.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 You are being kept at bay but that is where she has to be right now. She's struggling to keep a needle out of her arm & a roof over her head & not go back to jail. She doesn't have the time, energy or emotional reserves to be in a relationship. Trust your higher power to bring you where you need to be & repeat your serenity prayer about this situation. Her situation is one of those things that you can't change so rely on that wisdom. She needs you to be on Step 12 with her because she's still on step #1. You said this so well. Thank you. 1
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 1
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