Slapsh0t Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Hi guys. I recently started seeing this guy. We’ve only been on about three dates but get along very well. I do like him and would perhaps want to date him in the future. He told me he likes me and, if we are going to have a relationship he wants to take it slow and make it “feel natural”. I agreed with him, but on the third date I really felt like he was pushing for sex. He wanted to “chill” and we spent the whole afternoon cuddling and watching movies. I could tell he really wanted to kiss me and possibly more, but I’m not at the point where I’m attracted enough to have sex with him (my sexual attraction is very personality/attachment focused). Plus I would want to try dating and I feel like it’s too early to have sex. We kissed each other goodbye on the third date and I’m “chilling” again with him tomorrow. I’m terrified he’s going to try something and I’ve always been bad at telling someone no. I’m also skeptical because he wanted to take things slow, yet is acting this way towards me. Partially, it could be my fault as I was flirting with him and teasing him with sexual innuendos. Could he possibly be getting the wrong signs? Or is he just a f*ckboy? What should I tell him? Is it even worth my time to try with this guy? I've been told he comes from a good family, and is a good guy in general. Plus he does seem to care about me as I've been going through some things as he's willing to talk with me on the phone. But I don't know if it's just a ruse or what.
fred123 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 you are not that into him. you know this based on previous guys u have had sex quicker with? why make him wait? hes not stupid. just move on. why waste time on a guy u arent that crazy about? lets be honest here . if you were crazy about him you would have smashed him by now right?
See-Me-Feel-Me Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 There is no way to tell if he is a f*ckboy or w/e you mean by that. After three dates and you admitting you gave him vibes, it's normal for a guy to be a freaking GUY. It doesn't sound like he's being a scummer or he would have walked already. If you like him, explain yourself. It's actually not good to ball someone too soon if you're looking for a real relationship. And if you're not, don't play with his head.
edgygirl Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I've had this happen with a man recently on the third date, I got drunk and caved. It felt horrible. I am no prude, but like you, I really didn't feel ready. Most guys will try, but if you tell them you need more time and they are not willing to wait, you will know pretty fast they were only after * that *.
SophieG Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 you are not that into him. you know this based on previous guys u have had sex quicker with? why make him wait? hes not stupid. just move on. why waste time on a guy u arent that crazy about? lets be honest here . if you were crazy about him you would have smashed him by now right? Why assume she doesn’t like him? She said her attraction is based on the emotional connection she has with the person. She might be physically attracted to him, but for her, it’s not enough to have sex because she needs to be more emotionally attached/involved with him. OP, I would tell him exactly what you said, that you’d like to wait and be more involved with him before having sex. Stop the sexual innuendos, because it is sending the message that you want sex with him. You can flirt, but don’t lead him on if you know you won’t sleep with him. Are you physically attracted to him? Do you plan on having sex with him at some point or are you just lukewarm? As for the fu**boy, you can’t know for sure! I’ve waited a couple of dates before having sex and the guy turned out to me one anyway. He said he wanted to take it slow, but maybe for him, it wasn’t about sex, but more about the relationship in general (becoming official, meeting friends, family, etc.). Maybe clarify that with him.
Cersei Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I suggest 2 things: Don't "chill" with him. Go out and have a date in public. If you are hanging out at either of your places, advances will likely be made. Stop the flirting! You are sending the wrong message to him. 1
fred123 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Why assume she doesn’t like him? She said her attraction is based on the emotional connection she has with the person. She might be physically attracted to him, but for her, it’s not enough to have sex because she needs to be more emotionally attached/involved with him. OP, I would tell him exactly what you said, that you’d like to wait and be more involved with him before having sex. Stop the sexual innuendos, because it is sending the message that you want sex with him. You can flirt, but don’t lead him on if you know you won’t sleep with him. Are you physically attracted to him? Do you plan on having sex with him at some point or are you just lukewarm? As for the fu**boy, you can’t know for sure! I’ve waited a couple of dates before having sex and the guy turned out to me one anyway. He said he wanted to take it slow, but maybe for him, it wasn’t about sex, but more about the relationship in general (becoming official, meeting friends, family, etc.). Maybe clarify that with him. any women who says she wqnts to take it slow after 3 dates means shes not so into him. the same girl wont say that for a guy shes into right?
SophieG Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 any women who says she wqnts to take it slow after 3 dates means shes not so into him. the same girl wont say that for a guy shes into right? I have waited more than 3 dates, and I have slept on the first date, and I wasn’t necessarily more attracted to one or the other. Some woman prefer to have an emotional connection before having sex, some don’t! I’ve known friends who would sleep on the first, second or third date if she was really attracted physically but knew there was nothing else to the relationship, and they’d wait longer for men they were really into... it’s different for everyone, and sometimes it’s different for the same person depending where that person is in her life (20s and 30s, or after a break up, or whatever). 1
Sarah_Smiles Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Maybe he only told you he wanted to take it slow and let it progress naturally as a way to endear himself to you, and you think " Oh, isn't he a nice gentleman, so respectful" but maybe he really wanted to have sex with you right off, but didn't want to scare you off because he is attracted to you and likes you. If you do NOT want to sex, that is your right, and you don't have to protect his feelings and worry about telling him no, the him who said " let's take it slow" in the first place. Think about what you want to do, and don't worry about his reaction for now.
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 For you "slow" means no sex. For him it means no commitment. If you aren't even ready to deal with kissing, perhaps dating isn't for you. I was ready to break up with my now husband because he didn't kiss me on our 1st 2 dates. If we hadn't kissed on that 3rd date we certainly wouldn't be married now. You also need to understand that in home dates to "chill" are code for let's have sex. If you are not DTF stay out of his house & don't let him in yours. Have public dates only & avoid soft horizontal surfaces, like the back seat of the car. 2
nodramallama Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Why not suggest going on a real date - lunch, dinner, a walk, hike, bike ride, etc...instead of "chilling". 1
fred123 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I have waited more than 3 dates, and I have slept on the first date, and I wasn’t necessarily more attracted to one or the other. Some woman prefer to have an emotional connection before having sex, some don’t! I’ve known friends who would sleep on the first, second or third date if she was really attracted physically but knew there was nothing else to the relationship, and they’d wait longer for men they were really into... it’s different for everyone, and sometimes it’s different for the same person depending where that person is in her life (20s and 30s, or after a break up, or whatever). she said its too early for sex. why is she saying that when she has had early sex probs before
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 . I’m terrified he’s going to try something and I’ve always been bad at telling someone no. I’m also skeptical because he wanted to take things slow, yet is acting this way towards me. Partially, it could be my fault as I was flirting with him and teasing him with sexual innuendos. Could he possibly be getting the wrong signs? Or is he just a f*ckboy? What should I tell him? Is it even worth my time to try with this guy? I've been told he comes from a good family, and is a good guy in general. Plus he does seem to care about me as I've been going through some things as he's willing to talk with me on the phone. But I don't know if it's just a ruse or what. What does that mean? If you genuinely think he's going to date rape for heaven's sake stay far away from him. If you can't trust the man, avoid him. Don't put yourself in danger. As for your admission that you have trouble saying no, understand that is your issue. If you go to this man's house & fail to say no, guess what? That is you consenting to sex. Learn to be responsible for yourself & make good decisions. Again for him slow means no commitment but if you are flirting & teasing him with sexual innuendos you are in fact being the very definition of a C0ck tease. If you are not ready for sex, stop advertising that you are which means stay out of his house. A date to "chill" means he is hoping for sex. While I personally don't agree with it, have you never heard of the 3rd date rule? No it's not worth it for you to try with this guy. He is a good guy. He deserves a mature woman who knows her own mind. You are the one sending mixed messages & not behaving in a consistent manner. Girls who want to go slow do not sexually tease men or agree to dates to "chill" at his house. You have to be strong enough to draw lines where you want them to be. You can't expect this guy to read your mind & act as your conscious / moral compass. If you don't want to have sex, then stay out of his house & stop teasing him. This mess you find yourself in is of your own making, not his. 1
Malin889 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Why don’t you go out on a date outside of the house instead of “chilling”?Because if you’re chilling on the couch then of course he’s going to try something. But it’s your decision whether not you want to go any further with this guy. If you’re not comfortable, that’s your prerogative. At this stage, only being the 3rd / 4th date, I wouldn’t even have shown a strange guy where I live or wouldn’t have gone to his house. Just say no! 1
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 she said its too early for sex. why is she saying that when she has had early sex probs before It's situational Fred. It varies from person to person, from relationship to relationship. Just because a woman has sex with one guy on the 1st date does not mean she's obligated to bang every guy she goes out with. You keep looking for rules. Dating is not a recipe where if you do these specific steps in this order, you will live happily ever after.
Mrs._December Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Plus he does seem to care about me as I've been going through some things as he's willing to talk with me on the phone. But I don't know if it's just a ruse or what. Big deal. Are we as humans so socially stunted by cell phones and social media and texting that being willing to talk on the phone is now seen as some kind of superhuman task to be admired? OP, why are your dates suddenly all about 'chilling and watching movies?' You've only been out twice with the guy and now he suddenly wants to spend all his time on the couch watching Netflix? Ugh.He sounds like one of those fools who think every woman should have sex on the 3rd date or they're not worthy. Stop settling for 'dates' on his couch. He's lazy as hell. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Stop agreeing to “chill” with him. Go on real dates that don’t involve “chilling” of this nature.
Saracena Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I’m terrified he’s going to try something and I’ve always been bad at telling someone no. I OP, you *really* need to take back control here! Why be so passive? You need to explain to him what you've told us here-you're simply not ready for sex, yet. It's up to us ladies to set the pace of the relationship by showing you have boundaries, which he needs to adhere to and by sticking to them. And yes, of course you're giving him the wrong message with the sexual inuendo! 1
Versacehottie Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 If you truly want to go slow then stop the with innuendos--that's a contradiction to what you said about going slow and sends a message--not to mention it's teasing. Right now if you want to be slow, you should send messages that are more reserved and shy or reluctant in a nice way. Also why accept dates where you are going to be in this position, i.e. at his place chillin'? You, again, want to send a message that you take things slow, then when he suggests hanging out at his place you come up with an alternative suggestion of doing something out in the world. TBH though, i do find it a little not positive that you don't feel like physical toward him and terrified. There's a difference between not wanting to do something physical YET and basically not wanting to do it at all. I just think you will have a hard time warming up to someone that you feel this way toward at this point--in other words it's enough time to know that you would want things to go there EVENTUALLY IMO. Good luck
smackie9 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Guys naturally follow the woman's cues so if you are being flirty with sexual innuendos well hell ya he's thinking it a green light and take his chances. Now you said yes to going over to his place...what would you think? Just tell him you changed your mind and would prefer to go out on dates more. Saracena is right, you do need to take control of the situation. There is no reason why you can't just say no and set the pace. 2
Giraffe-A Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 You slow down by not going to each other’s houses to chill or have movie nights. If you want to experience an emotional connection first, then go on more dates outside of your homes. Go on group dates or introduce them to your family. Not moving fast means two different things to boys and girls. To a girl, it means you want to not have sex until you know this guy wants something meaningful with you and to a boy it means that he doesn’t want to label the relationship....so...sex without having to be your bf. You can stop it now by discussing in person what it is you want and definitely not keep your dating dates on the couch. If he agrees, he’ll respect your wishes. If not, then expect the slow fade away and cancelled dates. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 (edited) You are giving misleading signals by agreeing to chill with him. You guys are NOT at the chilling phase. You're not close. The chilling phase comes later after you know you like the person, after you have gone out to do public things--real dates!--as others have mentioned. Time to get some maturity here. This is going to sound a bit harsh, but I'll be blunt. If you can't tell a guy "no," and you struggle with this, then you don't have any business dating. You aren't ready to date. Part of being a adult, by law and by custom, is that you are responsible for your own actions. You can't go to court and tell the judge, "Well, I hate having to say no to friends, so I went along with robbing the bank." The law says unless you are severely severely mentally ill (even this has limits) ... or intellectually disabled, you are responsible for saying no to a crime. Well, you are responsible for telling a guy no to a sexual advance you don't want. Perhaps it would be easier for you to get this out up front. Instead of waiting for the awkward moment, contact him before the date and say, Look I want to be clear with you. I do not want to have sex with you and I don't like that you seemed to push hard for sex the last time we hung out. I'd like to go out publicly on a date." If you can't do this, and if you're terrified of saying no on the spot, then you aren't ready to date. You are acting like a minor. If you are so intimidated by this guy that you are afraid to say no, then this is not a guy you should be dating. Sounds like you are already abandoning your desires by agreeing to chill with him. Definitely you need to work on assertiveness and practice speaking out ... do it in your own room. Practice saying what you need to say. Or take an assertiveness or public speaking class. Or get to counseling. You are setting yourself up for a world of trouble if you lose your voice in the situations where a voice matters most--intimate dating and sex. Edited December 29, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 1
Author Slapsh0t Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 You are giving misleading signals by agreeing to chill with him. You guys are NOT at the chilling phase. You're not close. The chilling phase comes later after you know you like the person, after you have gone out to do public things--real dates!--as others have mentioned. Time to get some maturity here. This is going to sound a bit harsh, but I'll be blunt. If you can't tell a guy "no," and you struggle with this, then you don't have any business dating. You aren't ready to date. Part of being a adult, by law and by custom, is that you are responsible for your own actions. You can't go to court and tell the judge, "Well, I hate having to say no to friends, so I went along with robbing the bank." The law says unless you are severely severely mentally ill (even this has limits) ... or intellectually disabled, you are responsible for saying no to a crime. Well, you are responsible for telling a guy no to a sexual advance you don't want. Perhaps it would be easier for you to get this out up front. Instead of waiting for the awkward moment, contact him before the date and say, Look I want to be clear with you. I do not want to have sex with you and I don't like that you seemed to push hard for sex the last time we hung out. I'd like to go out publicly on a date." If you can't do this, and if you're terrified of saying no on the spot, then you aren't ready to date. You are acting like a minor. If you are so intimidated by this guy that you are afraid to say no, then this is not a guy you should be dating. Sounds like you are already abandoning your desires by agreeing to chill with him. Definitely you need to work on assertiveness and practice speaking out ... do it in your own room. Practice saying what you need to say. Or take an assertiveness or public speaking class. Or get to counseling. You are setting yourself up for a world of trouble if you lose your voice in the situations where a voice matters most--intimate dating and sex. Thanks for the response and everyone else that replied. I decided to be assertive and apologized for my teasing. I told him I wasn't ready for sex yet. Funnily enough he was very respectful and we talked some more about it. We've decided to date exclusively and perhaps form a relationship, and go on actual dates together. I wouldn't have found the courage to discuss this with him without all of your input. The relationship feels a lot more certain and comfortable now. Thank you! 2
preraph Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Stop accepting Netflix and chill invitations. You should be dating other people and him only if he wants to take you out on a date. He, like most guys, is just wanting sex right away. You now know he would prefer to not have to go out and DO anything. This is the type of info you want when dating to decide whether you even want to keep dating. You're not even attracted to him and you don't like this about him, so I don't see you suddenly becoming attracted to him. It's going south.
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