Ariesgirly Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Hey everyone, I wrote on here a week ago about a guy I had been out with 3 times who said he really likes me but he seems to have issues carrying any conversation via text but doesn't really call. His communication when we aren't together had made me confused on whether or not he is interested. He finally called me earlier this week and we talked for 2 hours and when I called him out on finally calling me he said that he felt like he would bother me if he called me. Well, last night we saw each other for the 4th time and the topic of sex came up and I told him that when we were to have sex that would mean to me that we were exclusive. He said "well I would hope so" and then the conversation sort of shifted to where we both said we were not interested in dating other people. He told me I was super hard to read and that he couldn't tell if I liked him! (exactly how I felt about him) He seemed relieved and told me it made him really happy that I only wanted to see him. I told him I had not expected this conversation to happen this quickly and casually said " I wasn't sure where we stood or if we were on the same page" and he was like "well I mean we have talked about all these things we want to do together" and i pointed out that a lot of guys had done that in the past but weren't serious. He then responded with "are you kidding me?! Who wouldn't want to date you!?" Through out the night he started letting more out about how he wanted to do everything with me and thinks about me all the time, however he did say some things that led me to believe he doesn't think he is worthy of me like how he doesn't know how he landed me and bla bla bla. When he dropped me off at my house he reiterated that he was glad we had that talk and if I ever have any doubts to please just know how much he likes me and told me he worried that I was going to change my mind and say I wanted to see other people because I have been single for a year and initially was not out to find a relationship, this sort of just happened. I told him, trust me I have dated a lot this past year and no one felt right and that he opened me up to the idea again. He also held onto something I said on our first date about how I tend to get bored easily with guys and said he didn't want me to get bored of him. I figured this morning he would have been more communicative after opening up all that information but...nothing. He is going to a wedding out of town this weekend and I finally decided to text him this afternoon letting him know I was thinking of him and hopes he has a safe drive. He responded an hour later with a simple " I just got here. Miss you already" and that was it. From a mans perspective, does this sound like this is just a communication pattern or a man that is worried too much about pushing me away?
SophieG Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I’m not sure what you expect from him!? That he texts you non stop? That he initiates more conversation?! I mean, he wasn’t really communicative to begin with and he was into you (according to his saying), it won’t change just because you’re now exclusive! It might just be the way he is. 1
Author Ariesgirly Posted December 29, 2018 Author Posted December 29, 2018 HI SophieG, I guess I am not sure what I expect. I am used to something different. All my past relationships had a lot of communication and texting daily with the good morning and good night texts but I guess those didn't last either. I have just never had someone pour their heart out like that without seeing it coming based off of communication. I don't want to push him away by saying he needs to communicate more but it is causing negative self talk
Malin889 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Be patient and give him time. Let him enjoy his weekend — and you enjoy yours! Enjoy your distance from each other - he’ll appreciate the distance— and hopefully it will bring you closer. I think this “spotty” communication is a good thing. 1
edgygirl Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I was you before. I expected a boyfriend to be in constant contact. As if he was my best GF. Tons of men dislike texting and being in touch all the time. They prefer minimal communication just to set up dates. If I could give you one piece of advice is CHILL... find other things to do instead of obsessing about how much he should be texting you. You obviously found a great guy who's also interested in you (lucky you!) - in my opinion it's not that important to be texting all the time. Look how the relationship goes overall moving forward, that's what really matters. But if it REALLY bothers you, you can always discuss your needs in the future, explain you need a little more communication between dates and see how much both of you are willing to work with. 3
Author Ariesgirly Posted December 29, 2018 Author Posted December 29, 2018 Hi EdgyGirl, How did you help to change this mindset? Have you been in any heathy relationships since your mindset has changed where there is little communication? I know that most of my past relationships have been riddled with codependence on both ends so the constant contact seems to be how I measure someones feelings for me.
edgygirl Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 It's damn hard. I still struggle with it daily. It's actually been in the way of me getting a healthy relationship so I am trying to work on it. I also recently found out I might have something called fearful avoidant "attachment style" (a psychological term) which explains a lot about feeling "needy" when the other person is more on the avoidant and/or quiet side. Read about attachment styles, might help you. People who are not "insecure" (attachment style wise) don't need this constant communication to feel loved. The good thing is anyone can become "secure" (again, attachment style wise) by working on the issue, so the first step is to learn about it. I won't say it's easy, but I guess it's important to know WE might be the problem here, not the guy. Hi EdgyGirl, How did you help to change this mindset? Have you been in any heathy relationships since your mindset has changed where there is little communication? I know that most of my past relationships have been riddled with codependence on both ends so the constant contact seems to be how I measure someones feelings for me. 1
edgygirl Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship: https://www.psychalive.org/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship/
Author Ariesgirly Posted December 29, 2018 Author Posted December 29, 2018 EdgyGirl, Thank you for the information. After reading that I definately have fearful avoidant attachment. I am afraid to be in a relationship because I assume everyone will hurt me but once I am in one I feel the need for constant reassurance. What seems to be crazy is that when I am not involved with anyone I am the happiest most confident person, which then attracts men to me and then as soon as I let my guard down with one of these men I become a different person within a matter of weeks. Just a few weeks ago before I met this man I had no desire to date or even give any time to finding anyone because I was too busy traveling and living life. Where did that person go?
edgygirl Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I know exactly what you're talking about... story of (most of) my life. I am exactly the same as you. I'm happy we crossed paths, I wish I could share this with the whole world and I'm surprised it doesn't come more often here on LS as it might be #1 top issue in relationship problems. I wish there was a section on "Psychological issues and relationships". Join this support group on FB: Insecure Adult Attachment Styles and Relationships Support Group it's freaking scary to read as everyone there is like us... but... it's illuminating me and teaching me why I feel this way and first steps to try and change it. Good luck... it's a long road. For now, try to relax and soothe yourself and keep yourself busy instead of obsessing about being validated by number of texts or communication, so you don't destroy the relationship with this guy. Use it as a learning experience. EdgyGirl, Thank you for the information. After reading that I definately have fearful avoidant attachment. I am afraid to be in a relationship because I assume everyone will hurt me but once I am in one I feel the need for constant reassurance. What seems to be crazy is that when I am not involved with anyone I am the happiest most confident person, which then attracts men to me and then as soon as I let my guard down with one of these men I become a different person within a matter of weeks. Just a few weeks ago before I met this man I had no desire to date or even give any time to finding anyone because I was too busy traveling and living life. Where did that person go?
smackie9 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 OK this is what you do...TELL HIM what you want. Men are not mind readers. He is holding back because he is unsure of your interest...so once again it's a Mexican stand off, who's gonna initiate first. Get it together and amp up the communication. Just say you would like to hear more from him or enjoy chatting with him about his day or whatever. Lets get the ball rolling here.
Author Ariesgirly Posted December 29, 2018 Author Posted December 29, 2018 smackie9, I would really prefer to have that sort of a conversation in person but I don't know when I will see him next. Right now I am just trying to calm myself from sending some sort of over reactive text. I know we are supposed to sit back and wait for him to come to us but part of me thinks there is some insecurity here on his part waiting to see if I am going to reach out to him. And I am struggling with that because in my past relationships all I have done is try to close the gap between my boyfriends and I and in the end I know that I could have pushed them away. I am trying to do this the right way but the longer I wait the more anxious I become.
Interstellar Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 (edited) He’s worried that he will bore you too just like the other guys which is why cuts back on the texting. He doesn’t want to push you away with the constant texting, take it as a positive. If he texts you all hours of the day you will indeed be bored with him and that’s just reality. And yes, you need to chill and let the relationship naturally take its course. Edited December 29, 2018 by Interstellar
matcha Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Ahh I relate to you so much right now?? Been single for a year, wasn’t expecting anyone to come along...now on date number five with a great guy who I can talk for hours with in-person, but in text format it’s completely different. Dribs and drabs throughout the day, mostly small talk...occasionally digging a little underneath the surface but it’s rare. I was also used to long spurts of regular online chatting and fast responses in previous relationships...but those didn’t work out, and towards the end of those relationships it felt clingy and tiring, I realised even I have limits. I sometimes end up worrying too, but I put it down to different online communication styles more than anything. You know how some people write short or long comments, use slang or not, different use of emojis etc? I reckon message frequency and such is a built-in habit too with some, which might not really change much even if your relationship does. You could try mentioning it to him when you next meet in person? I found myself telling my date how he is very different to talk to online, his response was that he found would rather talk to me when he’s busy doing something else because staring at a blank screen thinking of what to say makes him more nervous than quickly typing a “hows your day going” when hes out. Perhaps you’ll be able to get a bit of insight too, just by commenting on it in a non-judgy way? Try and look at it as a good thing too - this way you can save things for in person, he’ll likely respect your needs for independence or space when you ever come to need it, and you will have some time to really work on yourself/hobbies/career/studies/family/friends. Im having to remind myself of these a lot of the time since Im not naturally an independent person (and it really is all easier said than done) so I dont really have the best advice other than I can relate!
Gretchen12 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 I am used to something different. All my past relationships had a lot of communication and texting daily with the good morning and good night texts but I guess those didn't last either. Key is : that doesn't last. So you end up being a serial dater, just go through a series of new guys that text constantly in the beginning. If you want a long term relationship, you can't be so anxious. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 EdgyGirl, Thank you for the information. After reading that I definately have fearful avoidant attachment. I am afraid to be in a relationship because I assume everyone will hurt me but once I am in one I feel the need for constant reassurance. What seems to be crazy is that when I am not involved with anyone I am the happiest most confident person, which then attracts men to me and then as soon as I let my guard down with one of these men I become a different person within a matter of weeks. Just a few weeks ago before I met this man I had no desire to date or even give any time to finding anyone because I was too busy traveling and living life. Where did that person go? I used to believe I had fearful attachment, but after meeting my current bf, I think the whole attachment thing isn't true and can allow someone's partner to get away with bad behavior. Before anyone gets upset w/me, let me explain why I feel this way. Barring any mental issues (depression, being bi polar etc), I believe people are content in relationships where partners care for them. Before I met my bf, I had bad anxiety of the guys not caring for me. They barely texted me, taking hours or almost a whole day to reply. I looked into what I was feeling and came across the attachment styles. I blamed myself for being anxious and wanting more communication. W/my bf there is no anxiety because he cares for me and I feel how much he cares for me. There is a huge difference between him and everyone else I dated. Don't put labels on yourself for wanting someone to care about you. When you find the right person, everything will feel right. I held myself back from questioning their intentions because I thought I needed to work on myself. I'm not perfect, but I sure as heck don't want my guy to text me 1/2 a day later. Texting is super easy, there is no excuse going days w/out texting or calling your partner unless they don't have service. I did date a super insecure guy who was bipolar. He needed 24/7 texting/calling. That was way too much. I love texting my bf throughout the day and he loves doing that as well. If you want daily communication, there isn't anything wrong with that. 3
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Key is : that doesn't last. So you end up being a serial dater, just go through a series of new guys that text constantly in the beginning. If you want a long term relationship, you can't be so anxious. Depends. My bf and I have been going out almost 2 years. There are very few days where there aren't good morning/night texts.
Gretchen12 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Depends. My bf and I have been going out almost 2 years. There are very few days where there aren't good morning/night texts. Yes couples married for 50 years share every day together. But if for some reason one person is quieter than usual for a day or two, the other person cares but the bond between them is not questioned. That's how they stay together.
edgygirl Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 You forget a very simple fact: when you're the girlfriend of a securely attached man, you don't feel the issues of being insecurely attached as bad. Of course I've had relationships where my insecure attachment didn't creep in... Also, psychologists say the best way to become securely attached is to be with a securely attached person. Of course, the boyfriend here could be just a jerk with bad behavior. Only the OP can determine that. I used to believe I had fearful attachment, but after meeting my current bf, I think the whole attachment thing isn't true and can allow someone's partner to get away with bad behavior. Before anyone gets upset w/me, let me explain why I feel this way. Barring any mental issues (depression, being bi polar etc), I believe people are content in relationships where partners care for them. Before I met my bf, I had bad anxiety of the guys not caring for me. They barely texted me, taking hours or almost a whole day to reply. I looked into what I was feeling and came across the attachment styles. I blamed myself for being anxious and wanting more communication. W/my bf there is no anxiety because he cares for me and I feel how much he cares for me. There is a huge difference between him and everyone else I dated. Don't put labels on yourself for wanting someone to care about you. When you find the right person, everything will feel right. I held myself back from questioning their intentions because I thought I needed to work on myself. I'm not perfect, but I sure as heck don't want my guy to text me 1/2 a day later. Texting is super easy, there is no excuse going days w/out texting or calling your partner unless they don't have service. I did date a super insecure guy who was bipolar. He needed 24/7 texting/calling. That was way too much. I love texting my bf throughout the day and he loves doing that as well. If you want daily communication, there isn't anything wrong with that.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 You forget a very simple fact: when you're the girlfriend of a securely attached man, you don't feel the issues of being insecurely attached as bad. Of course I've had relationships where my insecure attachment didn't creep in... Also, psychologists say the best way to become securely attached is to be with a securely attached person. Of course, the boyfriend here could be just a jerk with bad behavior. Only the OP can determine that. I figured out I am the girlfriend of a man who cares about me. The guys in the past never really cared about me and that is where all my anxiety came from. The danger of classifying yourself as fearful/insecure attachment is putting all the blame on yourself. When I dated one guy in particular, I didn't make him responsible for his lack of actions because I was too busy finding flaws in myself. I should have looked at the facts, that he didn't care for me. Before meeting my bf I was super insecure due to the issues I ran in to. After dating him though, most of those insecurities disappeared.
RedHead5 Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 I believe in the attachment theories. I struggled with my insecurities all summer long as I dated my bf and the early stages were riddled with anxiety daily. I spent alot of time here in these forums in the beginning bc I was trying to stay calm. I have usually been with guys who were also insecure and it all ended badly so I decided this time I was making the conscious effort to be in a relationship where it was not 24/7 attachment. It took months for me to calm down but I actually feel like I'm there now. (We are at 6 months) Communication in the beginning was kinda spotty but he always came through when I waited it out. In the very beginning, first month and a half, we didn't speak every day. When he went out of town, I didn't text him first ever. (Actually, I still don't.) First trip he took, we didn't speak for three days but I liked some of his posts on social media. All trips after that he would text me at least once a day even if it was 1am and I was already asleep lol. After a couple months, we would have some form of communication every day, even if it was just a couple texts exchanged at night before bed. We went from spending one weekend night together to the entire weekend to now it is just assumed we are spending the weekend together. So I guess, I think it's normal. Keep your anxiety to yourself for now and let it play out. Don't base his interest on the number of texts but more that he is consistent and don't be too hard on him when he is out if town. One thing I will say - my guy always texted back fast. Usually within 10 min or less. Occasionally it would take an hour but not typically. Maybe 2-3 the whole time we have been dating has he not replied for several hours. Trust me, that caused super anxiety but I waited it out and gave him the benefit of the doubt when he answered. The bottom line is he never gave me a reason not to trust him and I knew I had anxiety so I just did everything I could not to panic. It takes time but I feel like it is worth it. And I do enjoy the 3 days a week I am alone at this point. I'm actually now getting nervous about losing those. 1
Author Ariesgirly Posted January 1, 2019 Author Posted January 1, 2019 (edited) Okay more communication updates: He texted me on Saturday evening when he was at the wedding and I texted back asking a question about it and got NO response the rest of the night. The next morning he texted me that he was deathly hungover so I wrote off his lack of response as he was drunk and forgot (okay, thats acceptable one time). We texted back and forth throughout Sunday a little bit and I mentioned I have a friend coming into town tonight so he better lock down some time with me this week me before she books us up. His response was "okay, every day except Wednesday" He always jokes that he would be with me everyday if he could. We ended up setting plans for Thursday and Saturday, although it still annoys me that he is always saying he wants to see me but waits for me to bring it up. His exact words were " lets plan on Thursday, Saturday and everyday after that :-)" He had initially on our 2nd date asked me to spend NYE with him, as he had friends coming into town and one was going to bring his GF. That friend ended up not bringing his GF so it was now a "boys trip" and he sort of went back on the plan. Luckily I had backup plans and I tried to be cool about it since were only a few weeks in but seems kind of rude. Anyways, after fighting the urge, I called him yesterday and he answered right away in 2 rings and we spoke for about 15 mins and he mentioned that when his friends leave today he would love to see me. He also, mentioned he wishes I would send him more photos of things I am doing, which is something he's been doing (pics of him snowboarding/golfing etc). He asked for a photo of me in my NYE outfit last night. I ended up sending him a photo last night and at midnight I messaged him Happy New Year and something sweet and again NO RESPONSE and nothing from him since. It actually kind of hurts because I was sure I would get something from him. And this is why I have had the anxiety about contacting him first because I feel like an idiot when I don't get a response! I am really trying to be cool about this inconsistent communication thing but it seems he is the guy with a one track mind and when he is drinking with his buddies he goes MIA. I have never dated someone who does this. Do I need to worry a year from now if he goes on a trip with friends I cant get in touch with him? I don't feel that he should be unsure of my interest in him as I called him yesterday, sent him a sweet text last night and even made the initiative to say I wanted to make plans with him this week. Im worried its too early for me to have a conversation just to be like hey is this how you are? Or are you trying to not contact me and play it cool? but if this is just how he is I am not sure I can handle dating someone who doesn't think about those little things. I have overlooked so many red flags in the past and I can't tell if this is a red flag or not! Edited January 1, 2019 by Ariesgirly
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 Yes couples married for 50 years share every day together. But if for some reason one person is quieter than usual for a day or two, the other person cares but the bond between them is not questioned. That's how they stay together. No that isn't always true. You get used to their habits and if there is a change, it does concern you, and it is with that bond you ask them if everything is ok, just to be sure. We don't go quiet on each other, our interaction is a strong part of our relaitonship. 1
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 (edited) Okay more communication updates: He texted me on Saturday evening when he was at the wedding and I texted back asking a question about it and got NO response the rest of the night. The next morning he texted me that he was deathly hungover so I wrote off his lack of response as he was drunk and forgot (okay, thats acceptable one time). We texted back and forth throughout Sunday a little bit and I mentioned I have a friend coming into town tonight so he better lock down some time with me this week me before she books us up. <snip> I'm not sure why you are back and forth on this. If he doesn't communicate with you the way you expect, don't date someone like that. Edited January 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Quote truncated
Gretchen12 Posted January 1, 2019 Posted January 1, 2019 No that isn't always true. You get used to their habits and if there is a change, it does concern you, and it is with that bond you ask them if everything is ok, just to be sure. We don't go quiet on each other, our interaction is a strong part of our relaitonship. Yeah, you and I said the same thing. When there is a change, we ask if all is well. We don't question the bond and start talking divorce.
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