Moving On

[califlorgian]

Well.... I talked to his wife again. After her leaving several messages for me online as well as on my voicemail. He told her that I borrowed $300 from him when I NEVER did and she was wanting the money back... so I told her that I never borrowed any money from him... that he actually borrowed money from me... as well as his friend who does crack. No, I never got the money back from either of them.

 

She was also asking questions about him. She asked if he was staying here. Since he told me that she knew where he was staying most days (yes, here), I told her "He said you knew... he's been here most days and at his friends' on the other days." And she asked if that was my key on his key ring and I told her yes, it was. He told her he hadn't seen me in TWO WEEKS and that the key was his FRIENDS.

 

He kept telling me there was no way they were going to reconcile. He said it was completely over between the two of them. He said I was the only one he wanted. He said he loved her but was in no way IN love with her anymore but he was IN love with me.

 

Turns out, he has been begging her to move back in... crying, promising her things, telling her to trust him. All the while he is coming over here and telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me forever and a bunch of other bullsh*t.

 

He told her he didn't love me. This upset me so much. I let her listen to a voicemail he left... where he told me he loved me over and over.

 

His friend was also going to bat for him. Lying about where he was. Talking to her for hours about how much Danny misses his life with her and wants to be back.... I guess trying to convince her to let him move back in and start over.

 

I asked him when he was over here several times if he was trying to reconcile.... if he wanted to be with her. And he always replied by saying "Where am I?"

 

We were going to confront him together last night.... but they wouldn't let me leave work. So she confronted him alone. I got a message from him right before he went over there saying he couldn't wait to see me when I got off work and he would be waiting for me at my apartment and had to just run by his house to get "yelled at" for a little while. Earlier in the day he promised he was going to come over when I got off work. I didn't think anything of it because I didn't talk to him at all later on (until he left that message later). Sure enough, I got home and he wasn't here. I figured as much.

 

Once I knew he was going over there to talk to her and she would tell him I let her listen to the voicemail and everything that we talked about.... he wouldn't be over. I am sure he made his decision too. Where was he last night? Exactly. I don't know what lies he told her last night. I don't know if she believed him or not. I don't know if he is trying to make me out to be the bad guy or what. He knows he can't trust me when it comes to talking to her. But it's because I refuse to be lied to and I refuse to let it happen to her as well.

 

He kept telling me I was pushing him away by talking to her. But he could only push ME far enough, before I broke. And I did. But I have secretly been getting over him for the past few weeks. He told me he wasn't like "typical" married men who have "other women." He said he was completely different. That this between us was going to work and we would be together forever. He also said if I chose to keep the child he would be a father, friend to me and hopefully lover for the rest of his life. He's made a lot of empty promises to me. He has damaged my heart more than I thought possible. I told him the other night (the last night I saw him) the sex we had was goodbye sex. I knew it would be. I had a feeling in my gut. I cannot take the lies. I cannot take the pain.

 

 

But I have been secretly getting over him these past few weeks. I think about the realistic things. I am 21, he is almost 41. People always look at us funny when we go out in public together. People always ask if he has money, they ask me why else would I date him unless he was rich (he cant even pay his bills right now... mostly because of his coke habit and alcohol habit). I don't like people thinking I am a gold digger. I don't like people thinking he is my father. This is also a man who cheated on his FIRST wife with I think 3 or 4 girls he said and his SECOND wife with 5 or 6, maybe more, I don't remember what he said... almost all were strippers. One of them was with a girl that he and his wife had a threesome with and they started having sex on the side without her knowing.

 

He told me that I am the one girl he would never be able to cheat on. He told me to promise I would never leave him and he would never leave me. How am I supposed to believe all that?

 

If there is anything of substance I have to say, let it be this. If you think that your MM is different from the rest of them. If he tells you that he is not like the rest and makes you so many promises.... even lives with you for a time being (my god-sister lived with her MM for 15 months... he was still separated from his wife and then ended up having another gf on the side who he got pregnant). He can tell you anything in the world. Anything. He can even "prove it" by his actions. He could be the sweetest, most adorable, goofy guy in the world. If he is not certifiably divorced and living on his own.... do not trust anything he says. Please. I promise it will not end good. I thought my case was completely different from everyone else's. I really did. Because he made me think it was. We were going to do so much together. He had me make a key for him. He came over... did mundane things with me. I was excited that he finally "left" her and was going to "start a life with me." All the while he was planning on getting her back. He made it sound like he was the one that didn't want her.... when, in fact, it was the other way around. After last night though, I guess she wants him back too. Which is fine with me. I haven't cried or anything. I am sure I will. And I am sure it will be hard for me on some days... especially the more pregnant I get and when I actually have the child. But when I think about it, I don't want to be with someone who can lie so easily, who has hurt me and other women so much, who doesn't care what happens to anyone but himself.

 

Moral of the story: All married men are "typical." All of them.

 

Thank you all for your support in this whole thing. I am sure I am going to need it even more as time goes on.

[Miffy]

I don't understand the - talking to his wife bit - how come you two talk - please explain for me and others who missed that part of your thread.

 

I am so sorry that you are pregnant - the other thread has gotten into a bit of a 'heated debate' about pregnancy choices - I am sure your head must be spinning.

 

Listen to your heart and do what you feel is right - as I stated on the other post I have had an abortion (I was younger than you) and have gone on to have two beautiful girls. Whatever choice you make you will think about the other choice you could have made.

 

You know in your heart I am sure that this man is a loser. Please ditch him.

 

As for the pregnancy - everyone will have differing views but only you has to live with the consequences and all choices have both good and bad points.

 

Rule out with personal choice any definite 'no nos' if there are any, then sit down and write down the pros and cons of the other choices. You may find your choice changes as time goes on anyway.

 

How pregnant are you by the way?

[foolinlove]

I've been following some of your threads within the last couple of days, sorry to hear about your unplanned pregnancy...and I truely hope things work out for you. And I understand where you are coming from with thinking your MM is different and the hope he will come through...what I don't understand is why you accept his behavior.

 

Meaning his coke and alcohol problem he seems to have? Is this a lifestyle you two shared together? Not passing judgement on what people do in their free time ( I myself have experimented), however I think the fact that you recognize he HAS a problem is reason enough to back away from him. I realize you love him and maybe even feel like you can help him, but honey...his problems will only become your problems. He will only borrow more money that he will never pay back to you, and perhaps even become mentally and physically abusive. Perhaps this problem is why he can't clear his head and truely figure out WHAT he wants, perhaps he is doing drugs to not DEAL with what is going on in his life. He only knows that....I just wish to see your situation be healthy for the baby you carry and not put yourself in a position to hurt you or your baby.

 

As for talking to the W, I have several coverstations with my MM wife in regards to our affair. I would not say a word at first for I felt like it would be betraying him. Then, over the next few phone calls I felt sorry for her, and thought she deserved answers. She told me things I KNEW not to be true....to make me hate him. I asked her not to call me anymore and told her I would let him decide. I didn't keep my promise....but will end this torture in 15 days. It helped me to speak to her...and i think it helped her too....we realized we are both being played in this.

 

I wish you the best of luck.....keep posting.....and keep that baby in mind at all times....Life is hope!!!

[quankanne]

no two cents, just a huge HUG for dealing with so many different issues at one time. Just remember: you've got a shoulder or two or more to lean on here at the 'Shack

[whichwayisup]

no two cents, just a huge HUG for dealing with so many different issues at one time. Just remember: you've got a shoulder or two or more to lean on here at the 'Shack

 

Double that!!

[califlorgian]

Thank you all for your continuing support! I really do appreciate it more than you know.

 

I think the first two people who commented misunderstood my post, so perhaps others have as well. Let me make one thing clear: I am done with him. Completely this time. I cannot stand to be lied to over and over again and told I am the only one he wants when he is begging her to let him come back and did go back. She has apparantly decided to give him and their marriage another chance and I guess he is going to try and get his act cleaned up.... probably going to rehab and such. Even if they don't work out their marital issues and end up really getting divorced... I want nothing to do with that man, ever again.

 

I am pregnant and I have decided to keep the child. I do not want him in my child's life. As sad as that sounds, I can't do it. He is a liar, a cheater, an alcoholic and does drugs. I doubt he will ever stop drinking... perhaps he has quit the coke... but I highly doubt he will quit the drinking. If, however, he does quit all of it and really does straighten his act up, he can be a part of the child's life. But I just don't see that happening. So all he is going to be is a sperm donor and paycheck until/if he does get it together. I doubt he wants to be anymore to the child than that anyway. He already has 3 kids by 2 other women.

 

I have found peace within myself and have another life to focus on right now. All the bullsh*t I was dealing with before with MM is irrelevent now. I have myself and my child to worry about. Not being upset over a man who was obviously lying about his love for me the entire time. This has really opened up my eyes.

 

As for the w, we started talking when I thought I was talking to him and then she said she wasnt and started asking me questions about him and I and I answered her. Since then we have talked several other times. To find out what he is saying to the both of us..... and finding out that he has been playing each of us. I guess they have reconciled now though. I don't know what in the world he could have said to her. I am sure he is making me out to be the bad guy and telling her I lied, but it doesn't matter now. If she wants to believe him, a guy who has cheated on her with numerous women and lies to her with such ease, and continue their relationship, I am happy for her and wish them the best. I hope he changes... for her sake. But as for me, I cannot deal with it anymore and I am ready to start a new life with my baby.

[crazy_grl]

Let me make one thing clear: I am done with him. Completely this time. I cannot stand to be lied to over and over again and told I am the only one he wants when he is begging her to let him come back and did go back.

 

Good for you. You deserve and can do a lot better.

 

I think you've got the right attitude about MM, his W, his involvement/non-involvement with your child and everything. Hope everything works out well for you and your baby.

[foolinlove]

Does the W know you are having a baby? What was her reaction?

 

Good for you, sounds like his guy is a waste of your time and hers. He doesn't sound like much of a provider for ANYONE. Take care, and keep in touch..would love to hear what is going on with your growing baby!