TAgate Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 For those of you who've lost the "spark" in your relationship, how did you help re-ignite it? My SO and I are going through a weird phase in our relationship right now. We broke up a few months ago because I kept a secret from him (I lost my job and didn't tell him BUT I quickly got a new job a few weeks later - this was before we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend). During that time we tried to date other people but we realized we'd set the bar so high for each other that any future relationship either of us would have wouldn't come close to what we have. In fact, seeing other people made us both miss the other more which is why we're giving this another shot. Things were going great until a few weeks ago when he lost his job. I know he's pretty stressed with his financial situation and I'm trying to be there for him the best that I can (we don't live together btw). On top of losing his job he's been having a mini crisis where he's not sure what he wants to do in life and keeps comparing himself to peers our age who've already bought houses, are living their dreams, are married, etc. I told him that not everyone achieves life goals within the same timeline and that sometimes it takes longer for others, but he keeps stressing out over this. We went to the movies last week however the vibe felt weird and off. I believe it was partially my fault because I was so confused with our situation and how he'd been pulling back from me recently. We went to lunch yesterday and discussed maybe just being friends because our relationship has felt so forced over the last week. I told him that maybe he feels this way because he's stressed about his job and other parts of life. I reminded him that we never had issues before now and that it's worth giving our relationship one last shot. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. But at least I know we both tried. The attraction and chemistry between us has NOT changed whatsoever. However the vibe feels weird and I feel like we lost some kind of a "spark". I'm not sure if it's because we're in a rough patch or what but I would love to reignite the flame - I'm just not sure how.
Mx12345 Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 How long have you two been together? You mentioned you broke up a few months ago when you lost your job, but that you weren't official and that's why you didn't tell him? How long later do you two get back together? It seems to me this has been a very short romance. If so, timing may not be on your side. Its hard when you've only been dating a few months and something big happens. You haven't been together long enough to move past big life changes together. Him pulling away isn't a good sign either. I would sit him down and let him know you want to help him in any way you can through this obstacle. If he is still distant however, it may be best to break up. Maybe you can give it another go six months from now.
Author TAgate Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 How long have you two been together? You mentioned you broke up a few months ago when you lost your job, but that you weren't official and that's why you didn't tell him? How long later do you two get back together? It seems to me this has been a very short romance. If so, timing may not be on your side. Its hard when you've only been dating a few months and something big happens. You haven't been together long enough to move past big life changes together. Him pulling away isn't a good sign either. I would sit him down and let him know you want to help him in any way you can through this obstacle. If he is still distant however, it may be best to break up. Maybe you can give it another go six months from now. We've been together for two years. Sorry the wording might be confusing but we met back in September 2016. We didn't make ourselves official boyfriend/girlfriend until a year later (August 2017). I actually lost my job in December 2016 so it's not as recent as you may think. I didn't tell him because we weren't official at the time. We definitely have some time underneath us so it's not just a short lived thing.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 Some folks just shut down when going through a hard time ... The most resilient among us can reach out and get help and encouragement and buffer the hit to our egos. He's going through a typical social comparison thing ... which is really destructive of course. All you can do is state up front that you still like him ... but he will have to work to pull himself out of his funk and crisis .You can't make him accept your love and open up ... Maybe reach one a time or two more ... and then let go ... he will have to come to you ... pull himself together ... It's really hard for folks to feel love and to give love when in crisis, and when their esteem has plummeted. Don't know if this is quite fair to say, but men, I sense, have more trouble staying open during crisis than women. Anyway, it seems for him, that spark energy has been crushed by all he's going through. There is no obvious thing you can do to get the relationship back on track when he's running on empty. Wish I had a more optimistic forecast or a magical step you could take, but I don't. I used to shut down like this guy is doing when I hit hard times. I had to painfully relearn another way of being--to reach out to friends and draw on their energy and support and encouragement when I was feeling down. It was quite a counter-intuitive step to learn. 1
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