My Story

[kidcharlemagne]

I have looked on this forum many times to help me get the courage to finally go NC with my MOM, which I finally did the day after Xmas. I wanted to say thank you for all who have posted their stories and words of support. Without it I wonder if I would have ever walked away.

 

For some reason, I feel compelled to tell my story (maybe it will help others), and hope to get some support to stay NC. I am married, currently in the process of getting a divorce. Needless to say the A pushed the end of our marriage over the line, which in itself is awful, but it is what it is.

 

But I will go back to the beginning. The A started last summer, and my MOM was someone I honestly disliked ACTVIELY for the two years I knew him prior. Our kids go to the same school. But I was off for the summer, I'm an elementary teacher, and he was a a stay at home dad with his kids in various camps, so we ending up hanging out here and there over the summer. I had just begun seeing a therapist, which honestly I shold have done 20 years ago, but felt I needed to muscle through my problems on my own. The more I went to therapy the more it became clear, my marriage had been neglected by both of us for nearly a decade and at this point and really only existed on paper (no sex, he worked until 10:30 during the weeek, often weekends, he was disenegaged from the kids, I was disengaged with him).

 

MOM was also unhappy in his marriage. We were both lonely. Soon after hanging out for about a month, he said he had feelings for me. It took my by surprise, and intinitally I told him that I did not feel the same and plus we were both married. This is obviously the point I should have walked away from the "friendship". But I was also so desperate for friends, I didn't. In fact, I was dealing with having a huge crush on someone ELSE that had been eating away at me for nearly 6 months at this time. I never pursued it, but I couldn't get this person out of my head. Honestly, I think I opened myself up to having feelings for him because I was so desperate NOT to have this crush anymore.

 

So the next thing you know, I told him I had feelings for him too. I am not sure if I really did, but again, I wanted to stop having this crush on this other person, and I was already losing sense of reality that I guess chosing to enter an affair brings on. We made out one night. I freaked out and told him we couldn't ever do that again. Thus began the toxic cycle that went on the next 5 months. He wuold pursue me, sexting mostly, I would try and deflect, would break down and either would sext back, or end up meeting to make out when our kids were at activities. It never went past that, but I knew we were having an affair, obviously. The crazy part of it was, he never hid the "closeness" we had to his wife. Her work took her out of town sometimes for weeks at a time. My major part to play in the affair was texting him endlessly. I would text him from morning to night, EVEN at work!! He of course would reply in kind, but I was always driven to keep in contact. Of course the wife wondered what was going on, but he was bitter she wasn't home much, and said he finally had a "friend" who he could talk to about his day, and that she had close friends she talked to all the time, so why couldn't he.

 

My husband on the other hand, figured out something was going on. About three weeks ago, he texted the MOM's wife saying he wanted to meet with her, and discuss what was going between MOM and me. She said she didn't want anything to do with this conversation. She said she trusted her husband that we were just friends and acted like my husband was crazy, and he needed to talk to me about it. My husband never did. I found out from MOM when his wife told him about the texts. I talked to my husband and he was understandly livid. He said I had been texting him endlessly, getting together with him all the time, etc. etc. I came clean to him about everything, and told him I would cut off contact with MOM and that we should finally go to marriage counseling. NOt to stay together, but to figure out how to separate as peacefully as we could. It was clear at this point, the marriage was over. Luckily I was able to get a referral from my therapist and we got the counseling going right away.

 

But did I cut off contact with MOM like I told my husband I would? Nope. Instead, I told MOM we could only be friends with LC. All the EA and PA stuff was over. He completely agreed, he was petrefied that I would walk away from the "friendship". It seemed impossible to let him go. At this point, I felt so connected to him, and there had always been this overriding desire between the both of us that we would be "friends forever". Writing all this out, I can see that I had absolutely had lost my mind.

 

Anyway, two weeks after this conversation and before I intitated NC, things just didn't change. I still texted him all the time, not refused to partake in sexting or and PA. The same feelings of being miserable and being addicted at the same time continued. The final straw, I guess, was the night he got drunk and tried to push me to come over to his place when his wife was home via a long late next text exchange. I said no, over and over. He ended up telling me some pretty nasty things, obviosuly in frustration that I wouldn't do what he asked.

 

I waited for Xmas to pass, (really the worst Xmas I can remember), and then emailed him that it was over. I could no longer communicate with him. The affair wasn't ending like we said it would. It was clear we could not be friends, as long as we spoke to each other it would go on. I said there was blame on both sides, and I had no ill will to him, it just neeeded to be over.

 

He replied saying he failed me, and that it would be the greatest regret of his life that he lost me as a friend, and his actions were unforgivable. And said goodbye.

 

So now I know I have to stick to NC. I told my husband that I lied about not speaking to MOM, and he said he could tell that I hadn't, and could tell that I had actually done it by how utterly sad I was acting. My husband said he had let me go at this point, and was ready to move on.

 

To me, I feel sad and miss MOM, but waaaaay more than that, this has shown me the many, many things wrong with me that must be addressed. That is my number one priority now. I can't show my kids this is how you are in a relationship. They don't know, but I am sure someday they will. I have been basically checked out for 6 months.

 

But I must stay NC, and gosh the sooner I can get MOM out of head the better.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Thank you for sharing your story. No matter how many threads I read, it always helps to hear others’ stories to know you aren’t alone. I related to much of it: the addiction, being checked out with my family, etc.

 

You are wise to recognize that there are things wrong with you that need to be addressed, hat propelled you to have the affair. I came to the same sad and surprising conclusion when my affair ended, and am still working on figuring it all out. It’s hard to get there when I am still dealing with so much sadness and grief.

 

I wish you luck in staying NC with xMOM. It’s hard, but the only way to go, as I’m sure you’ve read.

 

ETA: yes, I’m dying to reach the day when xMM isn’t in my head practically 24/7.

Edited December 28, 2018 by NotADayGoesBy
Added a line

[kidcharlemagne]

Just wanted to update that I have managed to stay NC for a little over a week. It seemed like the longest week ever. I haven't blocked his wife on FB and so I still see his smiley pics of him and his family, which for some reason just about kills me. Obviously, he isn't feeling bad about "us" being over, or he is just trying to move on like I am and act normal. I am hesitant to block her mainly because she still thinks of me as a friend. She even texted me that she had birthday gifts for me.

 

Ugh. I said my brother was in town and couldn't come by. Which is true. But still, what an awkward situation. I feel terrible about the whole thing. Like I became a shell of myself by chosing to partake in this affair. But each day I feel myself slowly, inch by inch, moving away from the "addiction" of wanting contact with him. But SO slowly. There will be huge waves where I just feel absolutely heartbroken, but I know this wasn't real love. It was based on anything real. It was an escape for me, and I don't even really know what it was for him. He would even say, never in a million years did he think he would have ever ended up finding me attractive, but he did. Nice, huh? When he replied to my goodbye email, all he did was blame himself for letting me down -- whatever that means. He seemed blind sided that I said we could no longer be friends or talk ever again, even though the night before he was asking for things that we agreed we would never do again. For me it wasn't about the sex, I really thought I was in love with him. Yet, the rational part of me knew I really wasn't, but I just couldn't shake it. That's the hardest part for me, seeing that none of this was real. It was just selfish and complete fantasy.

 

 

I am trying to concentrate on my kids, therapy, and trying to finally give my husband the respect he deserves even though we are not staying together. And being brutally honest with myself about what the last six months really were.

[Abetterme]

Well done getting through the week! I am in early days too and I know what a struggle it is.

 

Mercifully my xMM doesn’t have social media. You def need to block. I’ve seen it said time and time again here, and agreed, looking at this stuff is pain shopping. I’m sure he is struggling in his own ways, but does FB ever show anyone’s down days?? Nope! It’s all a sham. We need to focus on our home lives and the simple joys our families bring, not this other fake fantasy situation. I say this not be hurtful, but merely it’s the mantra I’ve been saying to myself daily.

 

Best wishes for you!

[Starswillshine]

Good job! All around! For recognizing there are issues you need to fix within yourself (I think most people do) and for walking away from this.

 

You can "hide" his wife. So you dont have to see her pictures pop up. I do understand how having that one bit of view into their life helps. I am slowly learning to lose that addiction (on the other side... I am trying to not look st my ex WH stuff). It is much freeing when I dont talk to him nor see him... or go searching. But unfortunately, we have children so it never lasts for long. Sigh.

 

Good luck. You are doing a great job.