Now she tells me she wants kids...WTH???

[ctwatlanta]

Hi everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read and offer advice.

 

I'm in my 40's and have 2 kids. I got a vasectomy a couple of years ago because I don't want any more at my age. She's known this since day 1. She's in her mid 30's and has 2 kids as well. We've been dating for about 3 months and got along great...until tonight! So out of the blue tonight she sends me a text message asking me about my vasectomy and whether I wanted more kids. We never really talked about kids that much as I figured it was pretty obvious given the fact I had a vasectomy! Nonetheless, I told her that I didn't want any more biological kids of my own, but would love to marry someone with kids one day. Well, she lays this line on me telling me that she wants to have kids with her next marriage in order to "bring the two families together". I'm like WTH?!?! We went back and forth over several texts because I was at work at the time and couldn't speak. I tried to explain to her that I came from a blended family like many are today and we loved each other, were very close, etc. After work I picked up the phone, and called her as I hate texting...but she didn't answer. I then sent her another text asking her to call back, and still no reply.

 

I noticed something was wrong last night when I tried to call her and she didn't respond. She normally responds almost immediately to any text or call I make. This morning she sent me a "Good morning" text but it too was a bit "off" from the normal type of msg I get from her. In fact, I didn't get my normal "hello" during the day like I always would. There is definitely something going on and now I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder. There were no signs or anything... I mean this was completely a shot out of the dark!

[Lotsgoingon]

Just chill and go with the flow here ... I know that sounds strange but you can't change her mind ... or know what's going on in her mind such that she would send you such a note out of the blue.

 

I would say the ball is in her court ...

 

You can call her and say "can we talk?" ... But wow, something is going on. Weird that she didn't have a formal sit-down with you and share her new thinking.

 

You'll just have to see if this is her new position ... it's possible she had this thought for quite a while and simply didn't tell you.

[SameMistake]

Hi!! Woman, 31, single/divorced mom here. I go back and forth with wanting more kids, and I hear the further into your 30s you get ("you" meaning "many women"), the more you desire to procreate. Even if you already have. Hormones!!!!

 

As far as her not answering your calls or responding, that seems immature. Wait it out, maybe she's just going through a rough patch.

 

Good luck!!

[healing light]

I think it's odd that she brought this up over text. Never talk about something this important over text.

 

But, your relationship is new. This is what dating is for--to see if you are compatible long-term. Sounds like you guys have different goals in life. You're done with children and she's not.

 

See how serious she is about this and what you feel about it. If you don't want any more, just tell her now so no one is wasting their time and you're free to move on to someone who has the same vision for their life as you do.

[chillii]

Yeah just give her some time, day or 2.

She's a bit annoyed and probably just clearing her head and thinking it out but it's self inflicted anyway she shoulda thought of this 3mths ago.

She's probably back to you by now anyway if not soon l'd imagine. But l'd say you guys are still gonna have some more talking to do later on this one.

[elaine567]

I guess she was talking to someone or something triggered her to realise that a guy with a vasectomy is probably not going to want any more kids.

She checked in with you to confirm/deny that.

You confirmed you never want any more kids and she is either still processing that info or she is withdrawing contact in the hope she can force you to change your mind or it is a total deal-breaker for her and she is already "gone".

 

 

Seems to me that some think that "I never want kids" or "I do not want any more kids" is not true and that given the right circumstances or the right person ie them, that they can be persuaded to change their mind and have kids...

Sometimes they are correct, people can change their mind especially if young. However one would make a good guess that a guy in his mid forties with kids and a vasectomy is going to be pretty sure about not wanting any more kids.

[ctwatlanta]

I appreciate the guidance and advice from all of you. Right now the ball is 100% in her court. She's still not responded to me and I tried her again this morning, which also happens to be her birthday today. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's certainly a big red flag. I'll just wait it out and see what happens. Not much else I can do. Thanks again everyone and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[damni]

Eee least you are finding this out now.

 

Considering between you both, there are four children involved you think she be happy with that! NEXT.

[gaius]

Sounds like she's talking to some other guy and putting you on the backburner for now. People like to dream up convenient justification when they do stuff like that and the fact you can't have more kids sounds perfect.

 

I'd stop trying to contact her all together.

[Wallysbears]

If you've never spoken about kids then the issue isn't "obvious". Sure, you had a vasectomy, but there have been plenty of men that have had a vasectomy and then met someone after and decided they wanted children and went on to either have a reversal or utilized fertility treatments in order to have children.

 

You guys have only been dating a few months and now you know that she wants more children.

 

Since you don't, it is only logical the relationship ends.

[Giraffe-A]

These type of conversations have a time and place to be discussed. You probably should have told her you would call her later that day to discuss it. While you may have thought that it was a done deal, vasectomies are very much reversible.

There’s a lot of folks your age who regret having children later in life, and if you feel strongly about not doing it, then she will have to accept or walk. However, once a woman gets it in her head to have more kids, it’s going to be a battle. Assuming she says she’s okay with it now, in her head she will think you will change. This is going to eventually resurface later in life when you two are deeper in the relationship and or married and it’s just not going to be a good thing for either of you. But the decision is yours.

[kendahke]

After work I picked up the phone, and called her as I hate texting...but she didn't answer. I then sent her another text asking her to call back, and still no reply.

 

I noticed something was wrong last night when I tried to call her and she didn't respond. She normally responds almost immediately to any text or call I make. This morning she sent me a "Good morning" text but it too was a bit "off" from the normal type of msg I get from her. In fact, I didn't get my normal "hello" during the day like I always would. There is definitely something going on and now I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder.

She's starting the manipulation/mind games/guilt tripping to make you reverse your vasectomy. Don't. Dump her. She's known from day 1 that you are not down for more children--that's what sterilization means. She's lain in wait and now is doing the "making him bend to my will by ignoring him" tactic. Call her bluff and end it.

 

I think that now that you're at the point where the "on their best behavior" representatives have been dismissed and the 'real you/real her' have come to the fore, you're going to start seeing things which will have to questioning the wisdom in being with someone who acts like this when she can't have her own way.

 

If you not being interested in any more biological babies is causing her to act like she never knew you had a vasectomy and is punishing you for your views, then you need to cut her loose.

 

 

You don't need to have a biological baby to blend two families--you just need the intent and the commitment to see it through to the end.

Edited December 28, 2018 by kendahke

[brigit87]

Hi everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read and offer advice.

 

I'm in my 40's and have 2 kids. I got a vasectomy a couple of years ago because I don't want any more at my age. She's known this since day 1. She's in her mid 30's and has 2 kids as well. We've been dating for about 3 months and got along great...until tonight! So out of the blue tonight she sends me a text message asking me about my vasectomy and whether I wanted more kids. We never really talked about kids that much as I figured it was pretty obvious given the fact I had a vasectomy! Nonetheless, I told her that I didn't want any more biological kids of my own, but would love to marry someone with kids one day. Well, she lays this line on me telling me that she wants to have kids with her next marriage in order to "bring the two families together". I'm like WTH?!?! We went back and forth over several texts because I was at work at the time and couldn't speak. I tried to explain to her that I came from a blended family like many are today and we loved each other, were very close, etc. After work I picked up the phone, and called her as I hate texting...but she didn't answer. I then sent her another text asking her to call back, and still no reply.

 

I noticed something was wrong last night when I tried to call her and she didn't respond. She normally responds almost immediately to any text or call I make. This morning she sent me a "Good morning" text but it too was a bit "off" from the normal type of msg I get from her. In fact, I didn't get my normal "hello" during the day like I always would. There is definitely something going on and now I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder. There were no signs or anything... I mean this was completely a shot out of the dark!

 

If you have two kids and she has two kids that sounds like a lot of kids already. If she thinks having another kid is a good idea to bring families together then I would dump her because she sounds a bit stupid.

 

You're a guy in his 40's you have plenty of choices don't be wrangled into more kids.

[Artdeco]

If you have two kids and she has two kids that sounds like a lot of kids already. If she thinks having another kid is a good idea to bring families together then I would dump her because she sounds a bit stupid.

 

I agree. Sounds like a lot of kids already!

 

It’s a weird thing to bring up by text. Can it be that she had been drinking? Sometimes the strangest text conversations get started when someone has had a few. And now she might be embarrassed, hence the radio silence. Just a thought.

 

Or, like somebody else said, she’s got another love interest, and is looking for a reason to distance herself. I mean, dating for 3 months is not that long; she might have kept her options open during these months, and might have never felt committed.

 

Did she mention any particular plans for her birthday? Or did you make any for her birthday? It’s odd that she won’t answer if you call her for her birthday.

[Geraltt]

She's still not responded to me and I tried her again this morning, which also happens to be her birthday today. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's certainly a big red flag.

 

The fact that you've recognized this huge red flag for what it is, is a good insight on your part about her personality.

 

I'm sure she's a delightful woman and has a lot going for her. But, well, it sounds like she's a bit erratic. She has the right to change her mind on things, of course; you, too, have that same right. And that means that while she can change her mind on kids, you can change your mind on the entire relationship.

 

It's no fun, I get that. Especially this time of year. But perhaps it's for the best.

 

Good luck.

[smackie9]

Perhaps she thought she could do without more kids when she met you and you told her you were done....now she is regretting her decision. She's pullin some serious crap at only 3 months here thinking this drama will guilt /encourage you to change your mind. I would be furious, especially when she has cut off all communication....like she not having any of that until you say yes to her.

 

I hope you can finally reach her, discuss it rationally, then most likely get your closure.

[preraph]

Just tell her a firm no. She doesn't need more kids. Between the two of you, you have plenty. Tell her if she wants more kids, you're not her man. I think she's being kind of crazy, honestly. Like all this business about "bringing them together" to me sounds like wishful thinking and maybe her way of hoping to problem-solve issues she has with her two kids she already has. Having more kids never solved anything. It just leaves everyone less time to pay attention to those they already have and causes resentment, if anything.

[brigit87]

Perhaps she thought she could do without more kids when she met you and you told her you were done....now she is regretting her decision. She's pullin some serious crap at only 3 months here thinking this drama will guilt /encourage you to change your mind. I would be furious, especially when she has cut off all communication....like she not having any of that until you say yes to her.

 

I hope you can finally reach her, discuss it rationally, then most likely get your closure.

 

Exactly. She tells a guy with a vasectomy that either they have kids or else and then cutting him off.

 

I'd be so angry.

[brigit87]

Just tell her a firm no. She doesn't need more kids. Between the two of you, you have plenty. Tell her if she wants more kids, you're not her man. I think she's being kind of crazy, honestly. Like all this business about "bringing them together" to me sounds like wishful thinking and maybe her way of hoping to problem-solve issues she has with her two kids she already has. Having more kids never solved anything. It just leaves everyone less time to pay attention to those they already have and causes resentment, if anything.

 

Also, kids are expensive and challenging and may come out way different than planned.

 

It's not like adding another statement piece to your jewelry collection. It's serious.

 

I think OP should cut this woman off and move on. She's not going to improve with age.

[elaine567]

Maybe Xmas put things into perspective for her and she realised her child bearing days are far from over. She wants more kids.

 

Text is probably not a bad medium to discuss an issue that although serious, needs a black and white answer like this one.

 

Do you want more kids?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes

OK, that answers my question.

[elaine567]

However, once a woman gets it in her head to have more kids, it’s going to be a battle. Assuming she says she’s okay with it now, in her head she will think you will change. This is going to eventually resurface later in life when you two are deeper in the relationship and or married and it’s just not going to be a good thing for either of you. But the decision is yours.

 

 

True, because her time for having kids is limited and she cannot afford to squander her child bearing years and still be able to have them later on.

Any women who wants kids, needs to be with a man who also wants kids, else she is wasting her time and once it is too late, it is too late...

[Wallysbears]

True, because her time for having kids is limited and she cannot afford to squander her child bearing years and still be able to have them later on.

Any women who wants kids, needs to be with a man who also wants kids, else she is wasting her time and once it is too late, it is too late...

 

100% this.

 

And given the holidays, her birthday, etc. it is a very real possibility that she got it in her mind that she wanted/wants more children before her time to have them is up.

 

Best thing to do is break up and let her find someone else that DOES want more children because this is a fight that will not just go away.

[chillii]

If you have two kids and she has two kids that sounds like a lot of kids already. If she thinks having another kid is a good idea to bring families together then I would dump her because she sounds a bit stupid.

 

You're a guy in his 40's you have plenty of choices don't be wrangled into more kids.

 

 

 

 

And , she should realize that having one more together will make that child the odd one out and squarely in the middle at odds and always different with the other two and two.

 

l think this would be a terrible situation for him or her, they'd be the only one between you both and standing alone.

At the moment everything matches up nicely 50 50 and they're all in the same boat and that could actually work out pretty cool for all the 4 kids.

Edited December 30, 2018 by chillii

[grays]

I would end this just because of how she’s handling it. Asking by text is weird, but I can see why she might do that, maybe she was afraid she wouldn’t handle it well in person. But she’s making you feel bad when she could easily send you a text saying she needs a few day to think about it. For me, having someone purposely make me feel bad is a big dealbreaker.

[Malin889]

Why is she having such a serious conversation over text? Have you talked to her face-to-face about this yet?