smackie9 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 No, I could never approach a girl in real life. I suffer from so much social anxiety, I can't always tell a waiter or waitress what I want to eat or drink. Boom, this is your issue not the people you are dating. Try some coaching or therapy to gain some confidence. I hear exposure therapy works well.
Author ericw899 Posted December 29, 2018 Author Posted December 29, 2018 It sounds to me like you’re doing too much and that might be the problem You’re not leaving any mystery I probably am, but I hate being fake. If I want to talk to you, then I'm going to talk to you & vice versa.
Author ericw899 Posted December 29, 2018 Author Posted December 29, 2018 Boom, this is your issue not the people you are dating. Try some coaching or therapy to gain some confidence. I hear exposure therapy works well. I just don't know what to do. I've been in therapy for 6 months, spending $200 a week. In some aspects I have made some gains but in other, I feel like I have gone no where. I still have never approached a girl cold in public, and I have had a couple of opportunities.
Mrs._December Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 So I was supposed to go on a second date tonight with the girl who I met last week and had an incredible first date with. Tonight we planned to get dinner but when I texted her what time to pick her up she said "can we take a rain check until tomorrow since her friend was staying at her place tonight" I said ok, but I'm not sure how I feel. I should mention last week she mentioned she was bi-sexual and even had her dating apps set to women only for a while so it makes me wonder if she cancelled on me tonight, because her & her friend are doing something more. Would love any insight, Thanks! Well, the good thing about being bisexual is that she's literally doubled her chances for a date on Saturday night. But the bad thing for you is that she's doubled her chances for a date on Saturday night. Don't ever put all your eggs in one basket this early in the game.
Author ericw899 Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 She texted me back finally from our conversation before but it didn’t really need a response & I’m not starting a new conversation. But honestly she was my only dating prospect so idk what to do with myself. I’m a 22 year old virgin who has only had one brief relationship. It’s becoming clearer to me that it’s time to give up. There is no hope
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 She cancelled on me again this time blaming her roommates work dinner. I pretty much asked her if she is trying to let me down slowly & she said definitely not. We are talking a little bit but I doubt I’ll see her again Red flag. If you give her another chance, she will cancel. Also people will lie about rejecting you. You don't need a woman like her, find one who respects her promises to you. 1
alphamale Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 She texted me back finally from our conversation before but it didn’t really need a response & I’m not starting a new conversation. But honestly she was my only dating prospect so idk what to do with myself. I’m a 22 year old virgin who has only had one brief relationship. It’s becoming clearer to me that it’s time to give up. There is no hope sure there is hope ericw899, just call an escort agency and ask them to send a girl over. that will take care of your virginity and will give you confidence 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 She texted me back finally from our conversation before but it didn’t really need a response & I’m not starting a new conversation. But honestly she was my only dating prospect so idk what to do with myself. I’m a 22 year old virgin who has only had one brief relationship. It’s becoming clearer to me that it’s time to give up. There is no hope That is not true, but your fatalistic mentality will make it so. 22 is still very young. You have plenty of time to make improvements and find a great partner. What has your therapist recommended in terms of overcoming your social anxiety? And have you taken that advice?
frankspeci Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 She texted me back finally from our conversation before but it didn’t really need a response & I’m not starting a new conversation. But honestly she was my only dating prospect so idk what to do with myself. I’m a 22 year old virgin who has only had one brief relationship. It’s becoming clearer to me that it’s time to give up. There is no hope Dude. At 22 you are golden. That is the sweet spot for just getting started. I don't think you realize how much potential you have right now. The next couple years of your romantic life can go great if you put the work in and keep a positive attitude. Check out guys like James Marshall and Liam McRae. Check out the Art of Charm Toolbox Episodes. (The earliest ones) https://theartofcharm.com/category/toolbox-episodes/page/4/ Set a plan for yourself, like anything else you want to achieve, you have to work for it. But be patient, you have a lot of time. When you hit thirty I guarantee you will look back on 22 and realize how young and full of promise you were.
Author ericw899 Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 That is not true, but your fatalistic mentality will make it so. 22 is still very young. You have plenty of time to make improvements and find a great partner. What has your therapist recommended in terms of overcoming your social anxiety? And have you taken that advice? She wants me to get out and form any type relationship (platonic female, male, or romantic). I have tried as I go to the bar a couple times a week, but at the end of the day I don't have the ability to strike a conversation with anyone.
Author ericw899 Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 Dude. At 22 you are golden. That is the sweet spot for just getting started. I don't think you realize how much potential you have right now. The next couple years of your romantic life can go great if you put the work in and keep a positive attitude. Check out guys like James Marshall and Liam McRae. Check out the Art of Charm Toolbox Episodes. (The earliest ones) https://theartofcharm.com/category/toolbox-episodes/page/4/ Set a plan for yourself, like anything else you want to achieve, you have to work for it. But be patient, you have a lot of time. When you hit thirty I guarantee you will look back on 22 and realize how young and full of promise you were. But at 22 I feel I am missing my golden years. Girls are at their hottest and ripest right now, and I am not getting to experience any of it.
smackie9 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 I just don’t understand how I go on nice dates, we have a great connection, great physical chemistry, she says how much fun she had, talks to me constantly for almost a week then just go cold. It’s such a helpless feeling when you do everything right, we click, bond, kiss etc. then she just drops you after being so excited about a second date. Honestly I just thinking of giving up because no matter what I do it’s not enough. It's not uncommon people multi date when they are using the app. Most likely she had what she thought was a better option and went with them. Most don't want to tell that to anyone's face right?
smackie9 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 She texted me back finally from our conversation before but it didn’t really need a response & I’m not starting a new conversation. But honestly she was my only dating prospect so idk what to do with myself. I’m a 22 year old virgin who has only had one brief relationship. It’s becoming clearer to me that it’s time to give up. There is no hope You are talking just like a friend of mine did when he was your age. He just got married this month and couldn't be happier. He did end up having a couple of relationships, one was long term, before meeting the love of his life. He also had a close friend that was in the same boat, and he married 3 or 4 years ago. So all is not hopeless. You need to look at failure as a learning process not as a reason to give up. If you give up you will pay for it dearly.
frankspeci Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 But at 22 I feel I am missing my golden years. Girls are at their hottest and ripest right now, and I am not getting to experience any of it. Listen. The only important thing you are missing right now is a positive outlook towards your romantic present and future. That is a fact, man. You can chose to believe this now, or wait another 10 years, look back on this moment and it will finally sink in; that you aren't missing much. And whatever little you are missing, what's more useful, dwelling on it? or figuring out how to achieve what you want moving forward? I don't agree that women are most attractive at 22, but regardless, plenty of very attractive 22 yrs olds will be accessible to you for plenty more years if you work on yourself. You aren't missing that. You're seeing a therapist and going out to bars and going on dates. That's a great start. But things like giving up on your ability to have conversations. I did the same thing. A lot of people do, but I've finally developed this skill and I realized how easy it would have been if I'd learned it earlier, like at your age. It comes with practice and repetition and learning from other people who are good at it. Seeing what they do. Keep going to bars and keep trying, every time it goes poorly, you are growing. Taking risks and getting out of your comfort zone and trying things that seem antithetical to your core nature, that is how you change. Improv comedy classes helped me a lot with some of my conversational problems. Of course any person who is starting to learn something new, there will be moments that seem like failure. Girls not texting back, rejecting you, that hurts everyone's morale. But don't give up, keep going at it and you'll get much further than where you are now. Also take some tips from good internet sources. I like the guys that I linked earlier, but you could probably find others. They suggest things that you may not have thought of.
Happy Lemming Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 ...but at the end of the day I don't have the ability to strike a conversation with anyone. Oh this is an easy one... Go to any sports bar, sit down and ask the person next to you "What's wrong with _______________ (insert local sports team)??" or "Who do you think is going to the Superbowl this year??" Any sports fan (worth his salt) will bend your ear for the next 30 minutes... Educate yourself about your audience and see if you can keep the conversation going. If your audience is a woman, after talking for a while offer to buy her a drink/beer.
frankspeci Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Also, I don't think you need to go to the bar more often than would be healthy just for conversation practice. You can phase social opportunities into your life and still keep them balanced.
Author ericw899 Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 I guess something else I find frustrating, is I look in the mirror and I see a not bad looking guy. I feel like I have solid features and nice eyes. Maybe a solid 7. But then I go on tinder/bumble and get no matches and when I go to the bar the pretty bartenders don't even look my way. Last night they barely talked to me, then two other nice looking guys walked in and they were all over them
alphamale Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 I guess something else I find frustrating, is I look in the mirror and I see a not bad looking guy. I feel like I have solid features and nice eyes. Maybe a solid 7. But then I go on tinder/bumble and get no matches and when I go to the bar the pretty bartenders don't even look my way. Last night they barely talked to me, then two other nice looking guys walked in and they were all over them the vast majority of men on tinder/bumble get no matches. Next time you go to the bar give the cute bartender a $5 tip for $3 beer and see if she pays attention to you.
frankspeci Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 (edited) I guess something else I find frustrating, is I look in the mirror and I see a not bad looking guy. I feel like I have solid features and nice eyes. Maybe a solid 7. But then I go on tinder/bumble and get no matches and when I go to the bar the pretty bartenders don't even look my way. Last night they barely talked to me, then two other nice looking guys walked in and they were all over them Start digging and doing your research. Once you understand more about how attraction works, you'll be a lot less frustrated. Most guys don't get a lot of matches on dating apps. Move away from dating apps though. They should be a supplement to your dating experience, you don't want it to be a crutch. Edit - The youtube link is a podcast episode I listened to about two years ago. I'm just relistening to it now having dug it up to share with you. It is so true. One quote: "What you'll find once you really get a handle on attraction, you can actually become approachable...guys will want to chat you up and order you a drink, women will appear around you and in your periphery." Just last night at a bar a guy bought me a drink and chatted me up. Girls were literally dancing at me, one girl randomly grinded up on me while I was in line ordering a drink. The guy I was talking to noticed and said I was "Mr. Popular." That did not used to be me two years ago. It took me two years to get here, I still have a long way to go, but it's happening, and I've had crippling social anxiety all my life. So the possibility is there. Also work on fashion if you're not fashionable. It helps a lot. Edited December 30, 2018 by frankspeci
Author ericw899 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 She just texted me for the first time since I stopped talking to her on Saturday. She said hey & little generic happy new year stuff. She then told me she got a job & we talked a little about that. I need advice because what is the next move? Should I ask her on another date? Why did she decide to text me?
Happy Lemming Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Why did she decide to text me? Because the other guy she was seeing fell through... You are "Plan B".
newyorker11356 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 It sounds to me like you’re doing too much and that might be the problem You’re not leaving any mystery Lol at this "mystery" thing. If a woman likes you, then it won't really matter if you're mysterious or not. At the end of the day, those women just weren't that into you (even if it looks like they were). It happens, unfortunately.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 When a woman cancels your date at the last minute, it's HER who must initiate the next date, that's the rule. And why did OP need to send her a confirmation text when you two already had planned the date before that? When a date is set, you just show up at her place without confirming, because it kills the vibe. Love is the game of emotions. And when it comes to emotions, it should be all about having fun and being relaxed, and nothing is more fun and relaxing than being spontanously. Love is not a workplace where everything has to be perfectly timed, love is supposed to be just fun. So I was supposed to go on a second date tonight with the girl who I met last week and had an incredible first date with. Tonight we planned to get dinner but when I texted her what time to pick her up she said "can we take a rain check until tomorrow since her friend was staying at her place tonight" I said ok, but I'm not sure how I feel. I should mention last week she mentioned she was bi-sexual and even had her dating apps set to women only for a while so it makes me wonder if she cancelled on me tonight, because her & her friend are doing something more. Would love any insight, Thanks!
newyorker11356 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 And why did OP need to send her a confirmation text when you two already had planned the date before that? When a date is set, you just show up at her place without confirming, because it kills the vibe. I ALWAYS confirm via text (or phone call) to make sure the date's actually happening. There's nothing with doing that. Has never killed the "vibe"
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