Still not sure what really went down

[abedele]

Got dumped in the end of august, still dont get what happened. Read wall of text below to get insights and sorry but english it not my first language.

 

 

In March I started to date a guy from my hometown (I study in another city which is 1 hour away with flight and will be graduating in 1 month, then move back) It was long distance dating but it all went great. We called each other almost every day and had contact everyday through text. Went back a couple of times before summer to be with him and went back during the summer break and we started to see each other more often. During this whole time I thought it was going in the right direction, he introduced me to his friends and parents and vice versa. I thought this was it. He was so sweet and nice to me and I started to fall for him. I asked him a couple of times if he was going to "wait" for me and visit my city where I studied and he always said yes and that he really really liked me, his answer gave me validation that this was going to work.

 

However during August we went on a 3 day trip together. I asked him if we were together and again if he would visit me. He gave me all the answer I wanted to hear. One night I felt the timing was right and I told him that I was falling in love with him. He could not say the same. He said that he felt unsure about us, it didnt feel 100% right and he didnt know why. I was devastated. The day after he tried to pretend like nothing had happened and tried to cuddle, hold my hand etc. It made me so confused that I eventually lashed out on him and asked why he tried to be close to me when he felt nothing for me. We talked more about it and he said he was afraid that he would disappoint me if we would go long distance cause he didnt know if it could last.

 

When we got back from our trip I went on a weekend trip with my friends and he started a new job. I was hoping that some time apart would give him space to figure it out when I got back. When I got back from my trip he was distance and didnt contact me as much. When we finally decided that we were going to have the talk, he canceled on me in the last minute. I had waited for him the whole day and had not been able to eat or sleep due to anxiety. We rescheduled to the day after, which he postponed again because he had promised a friend that they would grab dinner. This time I waited 3 hours and we finally met. My gut feeling told me that this was going to be anything but good.

 

He told me that he didnt feel as strong as me and that it didnt feel like his past relationships which I think is unfair to compare like that. He also said that he didnt see a future with me.

I then told him that I didnt think it was nice of him letting me wait for him for so long. And he just coldly said "oh, sorry".

In the end when we said our goodbyes, I told him that i was going to miss him and he cried.

 

After our break up he changed settings on snapchat so I couldnt see him on the map of snapchat. And also disabled ´friends nearby´on facebook 2 months after BU, when we got notifications that we were near each other. He didn't even say hi and just looked shocked when he saw me at a party. Also removed me from snapchat the day I moved back, which was 2 weeks ago, 4 months post BU.

 

It's been 4 months since BU, we dated for 6 months, went NC immediately after BU. I dont hate him, I harbor no hard feelings towards him. I only feel hurt how he treated me when he was going to break up with me. Regardless how cold he was in the end I know deep down in my heart that he's a good guy. But I still don't understand what really went down, why this happened as I felt so sure that our relationship was heading towards the right direction. And since we were together for about 6 months, he must have had some kinds of romantic feelings for me?

 

Dear LS, a couple of questions after reading my story:

- I still dont really udnerstand what happened as he gave me validation that the relationship were going to continue when I asked him if we were together and if he was going to visit me. What do you think?

- Why did he have to be so cold towards the end?

- If he was so unsure about us, wouldnt it have been better to end it much earlier?

- Why did he cry when I said "I'm going to miss you"?

- Why does it seem like its been so hard on him, why did he had to remove me from snapchat (still following me on instagram and fb tho) 4 months post BU?

 

Thanks

[paisleypanther]

I don't know much about this guy, but it might have been that he was starved for romantic intimacy or that he cared about you but was too scared to commit and have feelings. Did he have a bad breakup in the past or some unresolved trauma? That was the case with my ex. He loved me as much as he could, but in the end his own fear and selfishness got in the way.

 

For your second question, I think sometimes men go cold to try and stop having feelings for someone they care about when they are scared of commitment. A lot of men have very black-white thinking, so it's either they're madly in love with you, or they're completely indifferent. I remember asking my ex towards the end of our relationship if he was still in love with me. He said he didn't know. It was super painful at the time, but now I just see it as a defense mechanism for a very damaged person. Maybe it's the same for this guy.

 

When men are unsure, they don't usually end things right away (at least in my experience). A lot of guys don't know what they want so they just keep all options on the table. Obviously, this isn't a very considerate thing to do, especially when it involves someone who is in love with them.

 

It's very likely that he cried because he cared. He probably did value your relationship, but something got in the way and he just couldn't commit or be what you needed him to be.

 

After relationships end, it can be super tempting to play Sherlock Holmes, trying to figure out exactly where everything went wrong, trying to find the clues. But you might want to ask yourself, "If I knew the truth, what would I do?" If he did care about you as much as he could, what would that mean to you? Would you forgive him and get back together with him? From what you have said, he seems to be emotionally unavailable. If you got back together with him, that would likely set you up for even more pain. And if you found out he didn't care about you and that he was just leading you on, how would you react?

 

I don't know what you would do if you were to know the truth, but maybe these are some questions you should consider.

 

Hope this helps!