Author 123username123 Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 She would play hot and cold. I respect what you've said and what she had said. I can't help that my feelings grew, and that isn't her fault, no. But basic respect and decency goes a long way, not just cutting someone off abruptly and chastising them for wanting to speak about how they feel, blocking them because their narrative doesn't fit with how you "want things to go" - that's unfair, and that's the part of it I am struggling with. I think, if she's anything like my ex, she doesn't even understand that she's causing pain. With lack of empathy I guess it's impossible to understand that it's completely normal to go through a mix of emotions after the end of a relationship.
smellysocksuni Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 Even if a person tells you they do not want a relationship they still want physical affection and sex. That is why they date. However if you are the person who wants a relationship you end up thinking those actions are those of a person in a relationship so this person must want one too but is holding back. That is simply not true. Also, touching on this point again. Of course a person is allowed to express that they do not want commitment in the form of a relationship, but I think in my situation, there were a lack of boundaries, perhaps? I had also never been involved in something like that, before. I have now learnt (the hard way) that if someone says something like this, they're not going to change their minds. Her behaviour, as I've said, was really indicating that she was changing her mind. I don't view someone staying over at another's house for days on end, talking constantly every day, spending most of their time together, meeting each other's families, etc as a 'casual' relationship, and I don't think I can be blamed for feeling emotionally upset at the end of it. That IS a relationship, whether someone's referring to it as casual or not. She had a deep fear of being with someone (which is what she'd say all the time), which is why she ended it over the anxiety issue, not because I became too serious or wanted to tame her. I let her lead everything, I never pushed for anything (which led to me feeling quite emotionally frustrated, a lot of the time) - I never sat her down and told her I wanted her to commit to me. I think if you want to be 'casual', your behaviour should match your words, that's my feeling on the subject. But as I've said, I've learnt my lesson here and I probably won't get into another situation like that one. 1
Itspointless Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 "She was capable to completely remove her feelings in an instant during stress, while I was in for the long ride (for years)." This guy was the same way! If we had an argument, he would feel overwhelmed, lose his feelings and didn't know what he felt about me anymore. How long did it take for you to recover? I can give you that answer, but I doubt that will help you. It took me way longer (!) than most people here. But that had to do with a couple of things. You know there is a reason we fall in love with people. With her it taught me that I can blame her, but I also have to look at myself very critically. I really recommenced you to read about attachment styles. With her I also was painfully reintroduced to old grief. She pushed me away due to illness she faced, while I wanted to be there for her. That came very close to me as I lost my mother in puberty due to illness. I made me go to in a really dark place again for quite a long time. Some things she told me brought me on the path of attachment theory: she had a really tough childhood. But as I said, her part is half of the story, I had to face myself too.
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