Is my ex emotionally unavailable??

[123username123]

My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago and I've been going through a hard time. I've been reading a lot about emotionally unavailable men and I think my ex might be?! In that case it makes this a little bit easier for me because maybe I'll stop thinking that there is something wrong with me.

 

He was 31 when we met, I was his first girlfriend and he told me he'd never been in a relationship because he didn't want to. Talking about babies and marriage as a joke was the worst he could hear, he didn't know what love was and had a hard time saying romantic things. I always had to fish for compliments with him. He did tell me that his father never told him he loved him, but showed love with actions. He so wants to be seen as a good person but lacks empathy. He doesn't really trust or care about anyone except his family, and believes that being alone is the best thing ever. I don't believe his sister (she's 35 I think) has has had a long term relationship either. I mentioned that I wanted to live with him and maybe we should try in the next year (we had been together for almost 2 years) but the last thing he needed was a deadline. He did tell me that I showed him that he wasn't dead inside, and that I'm the first person he cared about outside his family.

 

He even said that his family was weird and that he had been talking to a psychologist about this. I know I'm stupid for staying with him for so long, but I just thought he was a bit weird, that everything would come naturally to him and that he would change. Lesson learned! My point is that I've been thinking what's wrong with me and that he's going to want all of this stuff with his next girlfriend and shower her with affection and beautiful words, but maybe he'll struggle in future relationships as well because he actually has a problem!!

 

Does anyone have experience with emotionally unavailable men? If so, why is it so hard to recover after the breakup when you know they aren't capable of feeling love? I just want to get over this now - he didn't make me feel wanted or important, and I had to be understanding towards his personality etc etc. What can I say, love makes you blind....

[Itspointless]

Does anyone have experience with emotionally unavailable men? If so, why is it so hard to recover after the breakup when you know they aren't capable of feeling love?

Does emotionally unavailable woman count as well? Than yeah I have been there. It wasn't this term though that explained it for me - loads of anger towards men with this term. Attachment theory did though. It explained to me that we were both not safely attached, but annoyingly in the opposite way, as apparently these these types (we) are attracted to each-other. She was capable to completely remove her feelings in an instant during stress, while I was in for the long ride (for years). But I have to say I wouldn't like to trade either, at least I am capable to remember why I loved her. Search for attachment theory, it probably will speak to you as well. I hope you are able to recover faster than I did (and than again I guess most do, which is a good thing).

Edited December 27, 2018 by Itspointless

[123username123]

"She was capable to completely remove her feelings in an instant during stress, while I was in for the long ride (for years)." This guy was the same way! If we had an argument, he would feel overwhelmed, lose his feelings and didn't know what he felt about me anymore.

 

How long did it take for you to recover? I was completely in love with this guy and have no idea why, but I was also in it for the long run. I'm only going to be in a relationship with someone if I can see them in my future, and I thought everyone thought like this. Apparently not him though...

[Melissa_J]

I had a very similar experience. My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me recently because he said that he couldnt feel the same way about me and that I deserve someone who could have those feelings for me back. I know he cared about me a lot and did so many amazing things for me but never could tell me how he felt about me and even tell me something nice I printed. I was his first real relationship and struggled with his lack of emotion the entire time. He never actually wanted to spend time with me and would only ever say I was beautiful or show me any form of affection if he was drunk. I used to joke about what kind of dog we would adopt together one day and he was get so mad and tell me that we are never getting a dog together because our building wouldn’t allow it instead of just playing into the fantasy. I’m honestly struggling with the same thing thinking that maybe it’s not just me and that the next girl he’s with he’ll open up emotionally to and commit fully to her. We’ve been broken up for 2 months now and I think ultimately what’s helped me is to not even care about what the reason for the break up was. Either he has commitment issues and although he really cared about me couldn’t get over his issues and commit, or I just wasn’t the right girl that he was willing to commit for. Either way I know I’m better off without him and I’m going to find someone who validates me and makes me feel loved. Some days are tougher than others but just keep looking forward and be glad that you have the opportunity to open yourself up to people in your future who will have emotional capacity for you.

[123username123]

It’s so nice to hear that I’m not alone in this, even though this sucks! I also think my ex did care about me in his way and I always knew my feelings were stronger than his. He broke up with me several times because he didn’t know what he wanted or felt, but always came back to me saying how he’d never felt so comfortable with anyone, that he missed me and wanted to make it work. He never wanted to see me either - twice a week was more than enough for him and sometimes I felt he didn’t even want to be there. I became so insecure in the end because I had no idea what this guy actually felt for me. He kept saying that he wouldn’t be with me if he didn’t want to and that I should see that he enjoyed being with me. He also told me things mostly when drunk - how he loved me, how he wanted me to meet his mother and even that we should wait to have kids because we need to live our life first. I was in another relationship before this and it was completely different - even though we lived together, the guy wanted to see me every day and he absolutely adored me. So here I thought maybe people are different, maybe I’m asking too much from him and that some people need more space. I wasn’t asking to spend every single minute together, but I never felt wanted or important to him. In the end he broke up saying he lost all his feelings for me even though a few days before he was all over me. I accepted all this because I genuinely thought he wanted to be with me and that he was just a bit weird. I was so patient and understanding with him, and I really invested so much emotionally. That’s why I’m having a hard time getting over him, and we also work at the same company.

 

You’re absolutely right though - we are better off without them but it’s hard to turn off the feelings. I was very unhappy in the relationship, always angry and upset, and felt extremely bad about myself but I was too in love to end it. And now I’ve been miserable for 4 months. I know this happens but it’s so hurtful to think that maybe he just wasn’t willing to commit for me, and that’s why I keep thinking what is wrong with me. I just wonder if some day they will regret? I treated him so well and I honestly don’t think he’ll have that again. Why are they getting into relationships when they know they can’t or don’t want to commit?

[Giraffe-A]

For his first girlfriend, I feel there's a lot more than emotional unavailability going on with him. Emotional unavailability is something that I am new at. I've never met so many lost people in the world. How do you separate emotion from the physical? it blows my mind.

 

Second, he's the one that is unavailable and selfish as he likes the company knowing he will never give you what you want. There's nothing wrong with you. It's people like him that cause so much damage to others. Write down what you want out of life, and a man, and live by it. If you want to help guys like this because of their past, then become a therapist. Get paid for it.

[123username123]

If you want to help guys like this because of their past, then become a therapist. Get paid for it.

 

Hahaha this made me laugh! I should have gotten paid for the amount of energy I put into this, and now I’ve been googling unavailability and narcissism. I actually think he has some narcissistic traits (he said so himself once that he had to google because he thought he might be) but I’m thinking maybe that’s just me being extremely bitter with him. Just from reading some of this, @Giraffe-A, what do you think is going on with him?

 

It’s so nice to talk to people who don’t know me because I feel like friends and family are always going to be on my side. He honestly did not understand why I was insecure in the relationship - he thought he did enough. He said I had to work on my insecurities, that I was unstable and needed professional help. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’ve never even considered it until I met him. I am in no way saying I didn’t do anything wrong - I bottled up feelings because I knew something was off but thought it would get better. Then I would start arguments about the same things. But looking back at it, I completely understand my behaviour. If he said something hurtful, he always excused it saying I knew how he was and that he doesn’t mean things like that. Yes I knew how he was and tried to be understanding towards his personality, but he didn’t give a sh** about my personality and my feelings.

 

When we spoke after the breakup he told me I couldn’t hate him because he lost his feelings. And I don’t hate him because of that - that has happened to me as well in the past but it took about a year, not a week lol. I hate him because he’s a selfish ass**** who took the piss out of me for two years. It wasn’t like I wanted to move in straight away - I just wanted to know that we were heading somewhere and not just seeing each other twice a week for the next 30 years. He has caused sooo much damage - I’ve never felt so bad about myself in my life and doing everything I can to sort myself out. I’ve never cried as much in my life as I’ve done in the last two years, and I honestly wish I’d never met him because I’ve completely lost myself. How could I allow someone to treat me like this?! If this had been a friend, I would’ve told her to run and never look back.

[nolanola]

This guy doesn't sound emotionally unavailable, he sounds emotionally abusive. Emotionally abusive people destroy the self esteem of their partners and make them doubt everything. They turn everything back on you and make you doubt basic things. I'm no expert of emotionally unavailable men, but my understanding of their behavior is that they tend to come on very strong in the beginning (love bombing) and then pull back once you become interested. There is a push and pull dynamic and often they cannot commit to one woman (affairs are common or they jump from one relationship to the next). There is a good website that covers a lot about emotionally unavailable men, I think it's called baggage reclaim? That might help, but honestly this guy doesn't sound unavailable, he sounds abusive and like he has empathy problems.

[Blanco]

This guy doesn't sound emotionally unavailable, he sounds emotionally abusive. Emotionally abusive people destroy the self esteem of their partners and make them doubt everything. They turn everything back on you and make you doubt basic things. I'm no expert of emotionally unavailable men, but my understanding of their behavior is that they tend to come on very strong in the beginning (love bombing) and then pull back once you become interested. There is a push and pull dynamic and often they cannot commit to one woman (affairs are common or they jump from one relationship to the next). There is a good website that covers a lot about emotionally unavailable men, I think it's called baggage reclaim? That might help, but honestly this guy doesn't sound unavailable, he sounds abusive and like he has empathy problems.

 

I don't agree. He sounds like a pretty classic case of an emotionally unavailable person. Doesn't mean he wouldn't make a pretty lousy romantic partner, but I didn't read anything here that makes it sound like he's intentionally trying to hurt the OP.

 

OP, he's been upfront with you. I've dated someone who's like this, and while we clicked in a lot of ways, it was an exhausting relationship. She's excellent at compartmentalizing and moving on from things that have long-lasting effects on others. She's not a bad person, but I don't think she's got a great deal of empathy for most people. She could be a really caring partner at times, but overall, it just often felt like she wasn't really there with me, ya know?

 

At some point, you grow tired of it, and you wonder why you think you don't deserve a relationship that doesn't have such an imbalance.

[Melissa_J]

Reading what you wrote is really making me think for sure that my ex was emotionally unavailable . It’s something I considered but never really pinned that down or wanted to I guess because it definitely makes it hurt more. To know that you tried and struggled for so long for someone who in the end couldn’t commit. I always thought that he was just someone you had to really get to know before they opened up fully. I was still trying after a year and not much had changed from when we started, as in he still only wanted to see me once or twice a week max and when I’d ask him to hangout more often it would start a fight. If I ever tried to express how I felt to him he would get mad at me and turn it on me to say that I picked so many fights and he could never do right by me. He would buy me gifts and take me out but could never give me a compliment or say anything nice. In fact he wasn’t that much of a talker he was a bit introverted and maybe I liked the challenge of trying to get him to open up more but in the end that meant that I poured so much love into the relationship and it was just never met. I’ve also been in relationships where the guy adored me and made me feel loved and wanted daily and I always thought that he was just different and that I needed to just work at it and develop a deeper connection with him in order for him to open up in that way. This has been the hardest breakup I’ve ever gone through probably for that reason that it was so much giving and trying and it got me nowhere and he left in the end. Obviously I’m in the same boat as you so I can’t speak to how they feel eventually but I like to think that emotionally unavailable men one day grow into their emotions and realize how they ****ed up and lost something that was potentially really good. Since I was his first real girlfriend (he’s had many month long flings before me) all of his friends and family thought that he has finally found someone. So after we split they all told him he made a mistake and they he shouldn’t have let me go, especially because he couldn’t even explain the breakup to them. I do think one day he’s going to realize and come back, but probably not for a while, and all I can focus on now is trying to get myself to a better place so that I don’t even care when he does come back. You obviously have way more love to give than him and that’s not a bad thing at all, I’d rather that than have no feelings. You just have to turn all of that inward and practice self love and forgive yourself for the energy you put into the relationship. You obviously didn’t know he was emotionally unavailable during the relationship and you tried your best which means you are the one who is capable of a healthy relationship and he is not.

[123username123]

I don't think he's a bad person who intentionally tried to hurt me, but there are definitely some issues there. There were red flags from the beginning that I chose to ignore. He didn't understand the affect it had on me and that every comment made me more insecure. To him the relationship was very serious and I think he got scared. As much as I know that this is for the best, I can't help feeling sad. It's a combination of heartbreak and that he made me feel quite bad about myself. It hurts thinking that maybe it was ME and that he just didn't want all those things with ME. I believe I am a very caring, loving and giving person, and we also did have a lot of good times together, but that wasn't enough for him.

[stillafool]

. I was in another relationship before this and it was completely different - even though we lived together, the guy wanted to see me every day and he absolutely adored me.

 

I'm curious, why aren't you still with this emotionally available guy?

[123username123]

To know that you tried and struggled for so long for someone who in the end couldn’t commit. I always thought that he was just someone you had to really get to know before they opened up fully. I was still trying after a year and not much had changed from when we started, as in he still only wanted to see me once or twice a week max and when I’d ask him to hangout more often it would start a fight. If I ever tried to express how I felt to him he would get mad at me and turn it on me to say that I picked so many fights and he could never do right by me. He would buy me gifts and take me out but could never give me a compliment or say anything nice. In fact he wasn’t that much of a talker he was a bit introverted and maybe I liked the challenge of trying to get him to open up more but in the end that meant that I poured so much love into the relationship and it was just never met.

 

This is exactly how I would describe it!! You try so hard and hope they will change. You give and give and think that he just needs to feel comfortable enough to open up, but nothing you do is good enough. My ex was also an introvert and said he wouldn't be happy if he had to spend more time together. It wasn't anything personal and as much as he enjoyed being with me, that's just the kind of person he was and had always been. He would also get mad and turn it on me if I expressed how I felt, and I started doubting that I was right and maybe I had the wrong idea of what a normal relationship looks like. I think the breakup is so hard because we invested so much for nothing. At the end of the day it's their loss and we should be happy that they did us a favour. It is not going to be easy for them if they don't change, and hopefully they'll remember how patient and understanding we were.

[123username123]

I'm curious, why aren't you still with this emotionally available guy?

 

We got together at a very young age and the feelings just died. We tried to get it back but it just didn't work out. We're still very good friends though and I consider him as family.

[BC1980]

I don't really know if he's emotionally unavailable or just unavailable to you. That's always the question. It sounds like he was upfront with you in the beginning about thinking marriage and kids were a joke. We always think we can change people for some reason. We think we are special enough to make a person change their mind.

 

That's actually a common theme in romance novels. Women taming men who initially don't want to be tamed. That's an age old theme that plays out a lot in real life. Girl stays with guy in an attempt to make him want to settle down and getting married/have a family. Next time, believe people who they tell you something. If he says marriage is a joke, believe him.

[nolanola]

This guy might be emotionally unavailable but I think you need to take a look at how he treated you. To read "He would also get mad and turn it on me if I expressed how I felt, and I started doubting that I was right and maybe I had the wrong idea of what a normal relationship looks like." is very disturbing. This is not normal behavior and is not a characteristic of someone that is simply unavailable. People that will do this to their partner are manipulative and abusive. The reason I think it matters is that they will destroy your self esteem and make you feel like you don't know how to have a healthy relationship.

 

I know it's really tough right now, because you've been damaged by this situation, but I think at some point you will see him as what he is. He has no empathy and will not be a good partner for anyone until he does major work on himself.

[stillafool]

I don't really know if he's emotionally unavailable or just unavailable to you. That's always the question. It sounds like he was upfront with you in the beginning about thinking marriage and kids were a joke. We always think we can change people for some reason. We think we are special enough to make a person change their mind.

 

That's actually a common theme in romance novels. Women taming men who initially don't want to be tamed. That's an age old theme that plays out a lot in real life. Girl stays with guy in an attempt to make him want to settle down and getting married/have a family. Next time, believe people who they tell you something. If he says marriage is a joke, believe him.

 

I've always found the above to be true. People will label someone "emotionally unavailable" when that person is unavailable to them. I've seen those labeled this fall in love, marry and have long loving relationships.

[123username123]

I really don't know if he's unavailable in general or just to me. I think he was a bit manipulative without even knowing, like it was my own fault for staying with him because "I told you so" etc. So now I'm feeling guilty and responsible for my own pain even though I told him to leave many times if this wasn't what he wanted and didn't see a future with me. He had so many opportunities but decided he wanted to be with me every single time.

 

Even after the breakup he said he missed me but this was for the best for both of us. Guess he figured out he was just wasting my time but still doesn't make it hurt any less. Never been heartbroken before and I'm just so tired of feeling this way. Actually makes me not want to fall in love again because it's not worth the pain after.

[nolanola]

I think, in the end, whether someone fits a category (unavailable, narcissist, etc) is irrelevant. The bottom line is that he is not able to give you what you deserve, which is to be treated well and with respect. He also can't give you what you want, which is a relationship. So the reason that he can't do those things doesn't matter, although I know it feels better to think that he has unfixable flaws that will haunt all of his attempts at relationships. For the record, I seriously doubt he is capable of having a healthy relationship right now, but that's just my armchair opinion.

 

I'm sorry you are suffering. A lot of us here are too, so I totally understand that feeling of being sick of feeling bad. Time makes it a little bit better at first and then a lot better. I think you said you guys work together. Are you able to avoid him at work? I think really getting away from him (not talking to him obviously, but also not seeing him too) will help you tremendously.

[123username123]

I'm sorry you are suffering. A lot of us here are too, so I totally understand that feeling of being sick of feeling bad. Time makes it a little bit better at first and then a lot better. I think you said you guys work together. Are you able to avoid him at work? I think really getting away from him (not talking to him obviously, but also not seeing him too) will help you tremendously.

 

Yeah I know this happens to almost everyone at some point in life but I could never imagine it being so painful! It's been 4 months and I do feel a lot better than I did back then, but still find myself looking at old pictures, missing him and just thinking about him. We don't have direct contact at work and I try to avoid him as much as possible. However I see him several times a day walking past me (I barely ever saw him when he dated, so part of me thinks the universe hates me ) We have friends in common and often end up on nights out together, but I stopped going after he flirted with another woman right in front of me. I did actually consider looking for a new job but I'm not going to let some guy ruin my career as well because I actually enjoy working there. I'm trying to look at the bright side: I have truly discovered how many amazing people I have in my life and am so grateful for all the support they have given me. Did you ever feel like everything seemed hopeless and you would never fall in love again? And how long did it take for you to feel indifferent?

[smellysocksuni]

I was broken up with by someone who I think is emotionally unavailable. When I tried to talk to her about my feelings/how she'd hurt me, she told me that I should have known who I was getting involved with, and that I can't blame her for hurting me, and that I shouldn't have become involved with someone who was going to hurt me. No responsibility taken for what she did. When I tried to talk to her further, she blocked me.

 

I've read through this thread and seen a lot of similar themes to what I've gone through, such as the constant proclaiming that it wasn't a relationship, but acting very much as if it was one, and avoiding all talk of feelings. It is gutwrenchingly hard to understand and go through.

[nolanola]

With this breakup, it's been a little over 2 months since everything blew up and I decided to go NC. I'm like you. I definitely feel better than I did 2 months ago, but I still have really bad days. I think, in the early days, I was so emotional about things (angry, hurt, numb) that it blurred things a bit. Now, it's like there is a vacuum there because some of those feelings have dissipated some. I'm not as angry as I was. So it's really easy to fill that with thoughts of "I miss him" and "I wish he would call". I think this is probably the hardest part, because it's easy to hold onto those thoughts rather than to try to accept that it is really over and to move on.

 

With the last breakup before this one, it was much harder. I was devastated for months. That guy was abusive and he really destroyed my self esteem, so it look a lot longer for me to feel ok again. Maybe a year? Not that I was as bad every day for a year, but a year before I started feeling like the clouds were going away for good. Even after that, I would sometimes think of something he had done or said and I would get so sad and angry. But I found that those feelings went away a lot quicker.

 

I totally endorse you doing whatever you need to so that you don't see this guy. With my abusive ex, he and I worked together and he would frequently flirt with other women in front of me. That tore me to pieces. I finally quit my part time job so I would have no chance of seeing him. If you can't quit -- or won't, because I totally understand not wanting to sacrifice your career for this douche, taking whatever steps you need to avoid him is the best option. For me, just knowing that I might see him was terrible. When I would see his car in the parking lot, I would get so anxious. But I had a little more flexibility since that was only a part time job.

[stillafool]

I've read through this thread and seen a lot of similar themes to what I've gone through, such as the constant proclaiming that it wasn't a relationship, but acting very much as if it was one, and avoiding all talk of feelings. It is gutwrenchingly hard to understand and go through.

 

Even if a person tells you they do not want a relationship they still want physical affection and sex. That is why they date. However if you are the person who wants a relationship you end up thinking those actions are those of a person in a relationship so this person must want one too but is holding back. That is simply not true.

[smellysocksuni]

Even if a person tells you they do not want a relationship they still want physical affection and sex. That is why they date. However if you are the person who wants a relationship you end up thinking those actions are those of a person in a relationship so this person must want one too but is holding back. That is simply not true.

 

She'd say a lot of times things that indicated she was open to a relationship, talking about and making future plans, talking about our status referring to us at times as a couple, in a relationship, etc.

 

I didn't start off as wanting a relationship, and I never pushed for one or asked it to be turned into one. This person said the word 'relationship' more times than I ever did. I did think there was a level of commitment between us, as she said things had "moved past casual" and agreed that things had become serious between us. Again, though. I didn't push for anything. I let her lead it all.

 

She would play hot and cold. I respect what you've said and what she had said. I can't help that my feelings grew, and that isn't her fault, no. But basic respect and decency goes a long way, not just cutting someone off abruptly and chastising them for wanting to speak about how they feel, blocking them because their narrative doesn't fit with how you "want things to go" - that's unfair, and that's the part of it I am struggling with.

[123username123]

I really don't understand how they have so little respect to flirt with someone else right in front of us?! He knows how much pain I'm in and says he cares about me and wants me to be happy, and then he does this... He is of course free to do whatever he wants but if he absolutely has to flirt with someone whilst I'm there, take her aside or to your place but not right next to me! All I'm asking for is a bit of respect. I would NEVER flirt with anyone even in front of my first ex (we've been broken up for over 2 years and there are absolutely no romantic feelings) just because I respect him and the time we shared together.