grays Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Then show yourself that and kick that trash to the curb... Yes! I think you’d not only be protecting yourself the way you should but also practicing and exercising the taking care of yourself muscle. It doesn’t feel right or natural or good to do that now, but it will feel good once you’ve done it and when you’ve done it a few times will make you feel powerful and like your own best advocate. Do it even though it doesn’t feel right and eventually it will. IMO, that is the road to recovery and to a healthy relationship.
chillii Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 You get this is women too , l dunno if you'd call it digs or sarcasm or what , but it can chew away at you and drive you crazy in the end. And it gets hard to tell if it's all just part of their personality or if it's a personal thing and deep down they just don't like stuff about you or think they're a notch or two above you, or it's just a really bad case of what they think it wit, or what. But whatever it is with any one particular person l hate that type of thing and the feeling of needing to defend yourself against the cracks that nor away at you or trying to train them out of it is really just no way to live and feel. Our partner is suppose to make us feel good about ourselves and loved and relaxed and to be each others safe haven. But whatever the reason he has an edge that l doubt you can change to much a degree that really rubs you the wrong way and will just wear you out and down in the end l found. 1
Author SameMistake Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 Yes! I think you’d not only be protecting yourself the way you should but also practicing and exercising the taking care of yourself muscle. It doesn’t feel right or natural or good to do that now, but it will feel good once you’ve done it and when you’ve done it a few times will make you feel powerful and like your own best advocate. Do it even though it doesn’t feel right and eventually it will. IMO, that is the road to recovery and to a healthy relationship. In May I ended a 3 year abusive relationship (1st one after leaving my marriage), and tried to date. Stopped seeing men on three separate occasions when the abuser red flags flew. Right away. It did feel good, and I commended myself for noticing and acting upon my instincts. I *wanted* it to work with this particular man. I love myself more than to accept his behavior. When he returns I will be having a conversation with him, but regardless of what he says I must end it. I know what I bring to the table and I deserve the same in return. I'll keep praying he finds peace and happiness. 2
preraph Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Oh, he's one of those obnoxious "only joking" guys who likes to insult people continuously and get away with it and gaslight you into thinking it's your fault because you can't take a joke. Who needs that? This guy is making negative comments to tear you down because it gives him a boner. It's a sign of him actually having low esteem but he's kind of hiding that and overcompensating by acting like he thinks he's great and tearing you down because it makes him feel better for a moment, brings you down to his level or below and that makes him feel superior. In other words, he's a tool. 2
kendahke Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I've (31F) been seeing a man (39M) on and off since September. It was "off" because he started making comments about me being "low sexual worth" or whatever it's called. And you didn't end it right then and there? He'd have been dismissed on that first attempt. This sort of mess doesn't de-escalate---it intensifies because the charge from the act doesn't provide the pay-off it once did with less hurtful rhetoric being flung in your teeth. 3
kendahke Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I'd appreciate feedback from people in long term relationships, and not just be told to dump him. Sorry, you won't be getting that from me. No, you need to dump him. You don't have a relationship: you have an adversarial arrangement that cools down every once in a while to make it seem as if you have a great relationship. You don't. No one who truly cares for you and your esteem would ever speak to you like that. He thinks it's hilarious to demean you and for some reason, you think that's OK and want to stay with him, but, what? You want some recipe for a pill or something to cook up to make him flip into someone he's shown you no interest in being? The question you need to ask yourself is: can I stay with this cretin as he is now with nothing ever changing--and possibly getting worse and acted out in front of my babies so they begin thinking it's ok to talk to me like this, too when they're old enough to try me--and be happy, quiet and content with that treatment until I'm an old woman? If the answer is yes, then I'd say figure out how you can grow thicker skin and be OK with blatant disrespect. This I know: an emotionally healthy and balanced adult would not remain with anyone who talked about them the way this idiot talks about/to you. 2
kendahke Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Thank you all for your replies. The relationship is so new I wanted to give it a chance. No. Some things should be strangled in its cradle and this situationship is one of those things. He's not emotionally healthy enough to be of any good to you if this is how he starts out in a new relationship. 2
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 So you go from being with an abusive man to another. Get your head on straight, this guy is passive/aggressive D bag. How can you not see it? Sure he butters you up emotionally to hook you in, then takes personal passive stabs at you to bring you down. Isn't that what abusers do? They sure do. Kick him to the curb before it gets any worse. 2
nodramallama Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 Actually, I think your self worth is improving because something inside you was questioning "is this normal?" and that's why you came here to ask for objective opinions. Well done! The fact that you recognized something was off with this guy so early on (as compared to your abusive marriage) is worth celebrating. Now that you know it's abusive and know what you need to do, maybe take some time to regroup and figure out what attracted you to this d*ck in the first place. 4
nodramallama Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 One more thing - anytime anyone says, "You're too ____" or makes you question yourself if you are being "too ____" that's a dealbreaker right there. You are YOU. You are perfectly you. If they can't celebrate "you" in all of its uniqueness, kick them to the curb. Do not let anyone make you question your value...ever! 4
grays Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 ITA, llama. It’s not likely a person is going to go from unhealthy (staying in an abusive relationship) to perfectly healthy overnight. I think this really is progress. You’re on the right track! 2
Author SameMistake Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 ITA, llama. It’s not likely a person is going to go from unhealthy (staying in an abusive relationship) to perfectly healthy overnight. I think this really is progress. You’re on the right track! Thank you very much for being so kind and encouraging in your responses. I really appreciate it. I am not 100% healthy yet but I walk away before much (usually just takes once) has happened. He's only been my "boyfriend" for a month. Glad I see him for who he is now. I know change only comes from God who has all power, and not from me or my "love". Not willing to play the victim or martyr or anything of the sort. 2
Noproblem Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 You are not in a group that is less attractive or anything. There is nothing wrong with you! Leave that guy and fly away, you don't need another mean spirit in your life. Ster clear off his sorry pathetic attitude. You deserve better, you already did it once, now have some confidence and some resolve to leave him forever! Go NC, New year is coming, start clean, free, and without this kind of negativity!] Oh, scratch that, I read that you want people to fix your relationship, not actually tell you the truth. Oh well, it's your life! 1
Author SameMistake Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 You are not in a group that is less attractive or anything. There is nothing wrong with you! Leave that guy and fly away, you don't need another mean spirit in your life. Ster clear off his sorry pathetic attitude. You deserve better, you already did it once, now have some confidence and some resolve to leave him forever! Go NC, New year is coming, start clean, free, and without this kind of negativity! Oh, scratch that, I read that you want people to fix your relationship, not actually tell you the truth. Oh well, it's your life! ? I requested feedback from people in long term relationships and to not simply be told to "dump him" as is the usual response to any kind of negative occurance in another's relationship. NOT to fix my relationship. If you (and other posters) had continued reading you would've seen that I have resolved to end it despite what he says. Yes, I will be having a face-to-face with him because despite him being cruel, I can choose to be decent.
spiderowl Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 It is of concern that you keep finding yourself in abusive relationships. The good thing is that you are getting better at spotting the signs. I guess we could all fall victim at first if someone was convincing enough, but the cracks do start to appear. The older I get, the more I think that there was a lot to commend old-fashioned dating, where you spend time getting to know the person without commitment. It takes a while for some people to show their true colours. Maybe you have been used to being treated badly and that makes you more vulnerable. Perhaps it would help if you were to imagine a partner saying the same things they have said to you to your best female friend. Would you have approved of that? Sometimes a different perspective can help, like imagining you are your own best friend - how would you allow a guy to treat you if you truly loved and cared for yourself in the way you do for a friend? I think it's brilliant that you are spotting the signs of these guys. There are still plenty of women who do not. You sound (and look) a lovely, intelligent lady, clearly deserving a respectful, quality guy. I am sure you are well on the way to finding one. x 2
Author SameMistake Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 Broke it off over the phone after giving him a chance to explain himself. Of course, he was callous, twisted my words, and showed little to no respect for me. I sent him a text afterwards asking to meet when we'd calmed down to exchange belongings (mostly camping gear and some cash I left at his place). Told him I'd keep praying he finds the love and freedom I wish to find for myself. I'm very glad I didn't get into that class with him this coming Spring. 4
elaine567 Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 It is no coincidence that as a "victim" of abuse, you stumble out of one abusive relationship into another. Guys like this are actively searching for new victims. As a nice, people pleasing, vulnerable and weak person, he rubbed his hands in glee. Perfect! You passed his first test - you accepted the "low sexual worth" label. You accepted his "jokes" which were nasty jibes at your appearance... He was determined to tear you down, next he would be criticising your friends socially isolating you and once you were a shell of your former self, he would be in control... 2
Author SameMistake Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 It is no coincidence that as a "victim" of abuse, you stumble out of one abusive relationship into another. Guys like this are actively searching for new victims. As a nice, people pleasing, vulnerable and weak person, he rubbed his hands in glee. Perfect! You passed his first test - you accepted the "low sexual worth" label. You accepted his "jokes" which were nasty jibes at your appearance... He was determined to tear you down, next he would be criticising your friends socially isolating you and once you were a shell of your former self, he would be in control... In compete agreement with you. He already began the jabs at my friends and hinting he wanted me to himself. Very glad I'm done. 2
Noproblem Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 Yay, again you are perfectly in great shape and can date anyone if you want. Sure some guys will pass, but some guys will be eager to date you. It's all about preference, but you are still young and life is ahead of you! Best of luck and give yourself some time to heal and enjoy your single life for a while. Hope the new year bring peace, happiness, and true love, it is there, you just have to get rid of the bad apples first <3 2
Gretchen12 Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I requested feedback from people in long term relationships and to not simply be told to "dump him" as is the usual response to any kind of negative occurance in another's relationship. Well, that's what wisdom is: in life, knowing what to keep and what to discard, when to compromise and when to stand your ground. This guy is a jerk! 2
Simple Logic Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Buy a package of extra large condoms and place them in plain view. When he asks what they are for tell him you keeping them for when you meet the man with a perfect body. 2
Author SameMistake Posted December 29, 2018 Author Posted December 29, 2018 Buy a package of extra large condoms and place them in plain view. When he asks what they are for tell him you keeping them for when you meet the man with a perfect body. I might giggle here but I couldn't do that. Don't want to make anyone feel bad about their body, especially someone who's heart I am entrusted with. Frankly, I could see his insecurities as he would try to goad me into "admitting" I liked hairy men (I do) but he has alopecia universalis (thus no hair anywhere on his body). It was a very unique and interesting thing having a hairless lover!!! 1
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