SameMistake Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I've (31F) been seeing a man (39M) on and off since September. It was "off" because he started making comments about me being "low sexual worth" or whatever it's called. Basically, I am a divorced single mother and that makes me of lower value than a younger, never been married, has no children, woman. Okay, I try to be open minded and realize that statistically he's correct. My "group" is least likely to form another life-long marriage and remain faithful. I value myself immensely and never wanted to be a single mother but I was in an abusive marriage and had to get out. Fast forward to recently. My boyfriend and I have been getting along great. We love spending time together. Most of the time he's great, very attentive, courteous, affectionate, he compliments me on my intellect and looks. I feel good with him. On a recent camping trip he decided to tell me my tummy was fluffy and called me a "little piggy" because I finished my steak dinner..... Then, we were joking about me being a blowup doll (I was in on the joke) but he decided to tell me he'd make my booty smaller if he had built me..... I tried to ignore these comments and realize he'd had a couple drinks and was trying to be funny. Then yesterday we were talking about our instant pots, and how the release valve was floppy. He asked if that was a euphemism for my vagina...... To which I angrily replied (via text), "Getting real sick of your negative comments about my body. Keep that **** to yourself. You don't want me returning the favor." He replied angrily and told me "F you, F off" etc. He then apologized but I'm left wondering if I'm back in an abusive situation or if I'm being too sensitive. I'd appreciate feedback from people in long term relationships, and not just be told to dump him. Thank you in advance.
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 You are being insulted repeatedly. If you don't want to just dump him, you are going to have to try to get him to understand how much his insults are eroding your relationship. You cannot do that through text. It will require a face to face interaction with non-verbal communication in a calm voice. 1
Wallysbears Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 (edited) I've (31F) been seeing a man (39M) on and off since September. It was "off" because he started making comments about me being "low sexual worth" or whatever it's called. Basically, I am a divorced single mother and that makes me of lower value than a younger, never been married, has no children, woman. Okay, I try to be open minded and realize that statistically he's correct. My "group" is least likely to form another life-long marriage and remain faithful.<SNIP> He's not funny. This is not how men that love and respect women talk to them. At all. He is crude and rude and way over the line. My husband would never speak to me that way. Edited December 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
hippychick3 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Wow...I would never have tolerated those statements about my lower value as a divorced single mom. Wtf? Yes, this is another form of abuse. Those constant digs would make me walk away and never look back. You deserve someone who loves you and cherishes you for exactly who you are. You want to be with someone who feels LUCKY to be with you. Don’t settle for anything less. This guy is an a**. 2
2much4 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 What exactly are you doing with this POS? I've never met him, but those comments make me want to smack him in the face. And yes, he's being abusive, crude and sexist. 3
Giraffe-A Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 The sad part of all the nice manly gestures is that it disguises who he really is inside and that makes you feel confused. Is he a nice guy or not? He’s not. He really is not, and this is your early cue to back away. No person that pretends to be a gentleman says things like these or reacts that way. And 31 l, single and divorced is not the end of your dating world. There’s plenty of folks in your shoes feeling ready to start again. 2
Wallysbears Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 And this guy? He's treating you this way because he thinks he CAN. Because he's already demeaned you with the "lower value" nonsense and you let him get away with it. You don't want your child(ren) to see this type of behavior in any way, shape or form. He's a pig. He's a jerk. And he's just a bad person for acting this way. 3
Author SameMistake Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 Thank you all for your replies. The relationship is so new I wanted to give it a chance. He said he fears I'll just dump him if he does anything wrong and that he feels like he's walking on eggshells with me. I've been told that before while in abusive relationships and it really affected me when he said it. I knew he was turning my feelings around on me to try and make me feel like I was the one hurting him. You are being insulted repeatedly. If you don't want to just dump him, you are going to have to try to get him to understand how much his insults are eroding your relationship. You cannot do that through text. It will require a face to face interaction with non-verbal communication in a calm voice. I will try to have a talk with him. He's at his mom's for the holidays. His mom was abused by his dad and he hates his dad for it, but I fear he learned a few things from him too regarding emotional abuse. I feel very sad but I know I deserve better. Thank you all again.
grays Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Consciously or subconsciously he’s grooming you to make you feel lucky you have him and feel like you can’t leave because no one else would want you. No one who loved you would treat you that way. End it or he’ll always be making you feel ****ty. Plus, he’s clearly a horrible person. ETA: Just saw your last post and I don’t think you should talk to him. Just end it. 4
Wallysbears Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Oh yeah, he's picked up some gas lighting skills from someone and he's using them on you. You do not need that nonsense in your life. 1
RecentChange Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I'm left wondering if I'm back in an abusive situation YES - you found yourself another abuser. And honestly, you need some help. You should have recognized this with his first negging (look it up) comments. The things he is saying to you, the way he is treating you is NOT okay. Its not how healthy, loving people treat each other. I fear that due to the abuse you have been victim of in the past you fail to see what is obvious to others. or if I'm being too sensitive. Absolutely not - just the opposite. You haven't taken this seriously. You have stayed with someone who is grooming you for abuse. You said you wanted advice from people in long term relationships - I have been in one for 18 years. There have times I have been fat etc and NEVER, not once, not "joking" never ever has my husband made any comments like your boy friend has. My husband isn't an abuser. He wouldn't say things to make me feel low, or bad about myself, or fat, or anything but unconditional love from him. And that is the way it should be - and honestly I wouldn't tolerate an acquaintance saying such *****y things, let alone someone I was dating. Thank you all for your replies. The relationship is so new I wanted to give it a chance. Thats very sad - you are stepping right into another abusive relationship. The fact that you can't see that is unsettling. Did you get counseling after your marriage ended? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 You should have dumped this lowlife the moment he determined you were of “low sexual worth.” There is no reason to give a man like this a chance. He doesn’t respect you, and sadly, you don’t have much respect for yourself either. 3
edgygirl Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 It feels to me that you're back to being on an abusive relationship. I know you don't want to hear people say to just dump him, but what else there is to say? You deserve someone who appreciates you, not an abusive pig, because that's what this man is. 2
Author SameMistake Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 You should have dumped this lowlife the moment he determined you were of “low sexual worth.” There is no reason to give a man like this a chance. He doesn’t respect you, and sadly, you don’t have much respect for yourself either. I *think* that I love and respect myself. But wishing to remain in this situation seems to prove otherwise.
Author SameMistake Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 YES - you found yourself another abuser. And honestly, you need some help. You should have recognized this with his first negging (look it up) comments. The things he is saying to you, the way he is treating you is NOT okay. Its not how healthy, loving people treat each other. I fear that due to the abuse you have been victim of in the past you fail to see what is obvious to others. You're right. I stopped seeing him but we had a class together and I had to see him. Feelings were still there and I caved after he apologized for his "negging" comments. Absolutely not - just the opposite. You haven't taken this seriously. You have stayed with someone who is grooming you for abuse. You said you wanted advice from people in long term relationships - I have been in one for 18 years. There have times I have been fat etc and NEVER, not once, not "joking" never ever has my husband made any comments like your boy friend has. My husband isn't an abuser. He wouldn't say things to make me feel low, or bad about myself, or fat, or anything but unconditional love from him. And that is the way it should be - and honestly I wouldn't tolerate an acquaintance saying such *****y things, let alone someone I was dating. I have never had a relationship like that. The man who treated me the "best" I felt didn't love me. But maybe I was just used to drama and abuse. Thats very sad - you are stepping right into another abusive relationship. The fact that you can't see that is unsettling. Did you get counseling after your marriage ended? I did get counseling. I'm in a much better place but it seems I'm not capable of choosing a healthy partner at this point in time.
hippychick3 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Consciously or subconsciously he’s grooming you to make you feel lucky you have him and feel like you can’t leave because no one else would want you. No one who loved you would treat you that way. End it or he’ll always be making you feel ****ty. Plus, he’s clearly a horrible person. ETA: Just saw your last post and I don’t think you should talk to him. Just end it. I agree. There’s no reason to talk to him other than to break up with him. This is who he is. He’s not going to change. He may stop insulting you temporarily, but it’s highly unlikely it will be permanent. And the more time you spend with this guy, the more attached you’ll get. You’ll be right back where you were when you were married. Get out now. 2
FMW Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 This is completely unacceptable. How can you possibly stay with him? Even if he never makes another similar comment they can never be unsaid or unheard. He's messed up. Don't allow him to get in your head any further.
PRW Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I value myself immensely and never wanted to be a single mother but I was in an abusive marriage and had to get out. .... but I'm left wondering if I'm back in an abusive situation or if I'm being too sensitive. Yes, it sounds like you are back in another abusive, or at least certainly potentially abusive, situation. It is very common for someone to be in one and then keep repeating the pattern
bathtub-row Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Giving people chances when they cross the line early into the relationship is no better than giving chances after a long time in the relationship. Decide what Your dealbreakers are and don’t ever give anyone a chance after they’ve crossed that line. That’s what a dealbreaker is - it means they’ve crossed a line they can’t uncross. And, no, you do not value yourself. If you did, you would’ve walked away from this guy a long time ago.
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Thank you all for your replies. The relationship is so new I wanted to give it a chance. He said he fears I'll just dump him if he does anything wrong and that he feels like he's walking on eggshells with me. I've been told that before while in abusive relationships and it really affected me when he said it. I knew he was turning my feelings around on me to try and make me feel like I was the one hurting him. I will try to have a talk with him. He's at his mom's for the holidays. His mom was abused by his dad and he hates his dad for it, but I fear he learned a few things from him too regarding emotional abuse. I feel very sad but I know I deserve better. Thank you all again. If this is him walking on eggshells, I don't want to know what him being mean looks like. Especially because this is a new relationship, if he's already this nasty, he will only get worse. The gas lighting is bad. I doubt he will change. Because he saw his father treat his mother so badly, he thinks that is a normal way to treat women. You can't fix him. That will require professional intervention. 3
bathtub-row Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 If this is him walking on eggshells, I don't want to know what him being mean looks like. Especially because this is a new relationship, if he's already this nasty, he will only get worse. The gas lighting is bad. I doubt he will change. Because he saw his father treat his mother so badly, he thinks that is a normal way to treat women. You can't fix him. That will require professional intervention. He will most definitely change. His behavior will become far worse than it is now. She’s just getting a little peek right now. 3
PRW Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 He said he fears I'll just dump him if he does anything wrong and that he feels like he's walking on eggshells with me. I've been told that before while in abusive relationships and it really affected me when he said it. I knew he was turning my feelings around on me to try and make me feel like I was the one hurting him. Gaslighting (quote taken from Psychology Today) The person gaslighting you might act hurt and indignant or play the victim when challenged or questioned. Covert manipulation can easily turn into overt abuse, with accusations that you’re distrustful, ungrateful, unkind, overly sensitive, dishonest, stupid, insecure, crazy, or abusive. Abuse might escalate to anger and intimidation with punishment, threats, or bullying if you don’t accept the false version of reality. 1
Art_Critic Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I value myself immensely Then show yourself that and kick that trash to the curb... He is negging you to make you more interested in him... I think any of those comments you posted are classless and trashy and it shows what kind of guy he really is, he wasn't being nice to you and teasing you.. he was making fun of you with hurtful comments.. Abusive marriage number 2 in your future unless you get off that train.. and he can't be fixed and won't change... 2
Art_Critic Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 He will most definitely change. His behavior will become far worse than it is now. She’s just getting a little peek right now. People that neg others are not good people....it's manipulative and classless.. 1
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