ALH Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 So I met a guy online a little over 2 weeks ago. I realize 2 weeks is nothing, but we exchanged a lot of quality texts/phone calls. We are in different states, but he is where I am planning to move in a couple of months. He talked to me all day during Christmas, while with family, which speaks volumes. I sent him snap chat videos of me just talking directly to him about my day, wishing him Merry Christmas, etc. His responses were always “You’re cute af!” Or something like that. On Christmas, I texted him and said I would have a break over New Years and wanted to travel to the state he is in to see friends since I used to live there (and also consider meeting him). At first he was all in and excited. Later he mentioned having to work and would only have one FULL day to see me (not including evenings). I said I understood and that it was okay. However, the comment made me feel like he maybe wasn’t up for meeting when I came out. I texted and said that I didn’t feel as if the convo was as positive as it was before. NO RESPONSE. I checked the dating app where I met him and he had deleted his profile (though it was active an hour prior)! Then I tried to call, and it said “call rejected”, without even ringing or giving me the option to leave a message (he's an Android user; usually I can at least leave a message if I've been blocked, right?). Pretty sure he blocked me! Things had been going so well, we were 100% clicking, things were great! He said most girls in his past got mad if he didn’t respond within an hour, so he was glad that I wasn’t like that. He even said he wasn’t talking to anyone else! Just me. The last thing he texted was him telling me which airport to fly into so he could be as accommodating as possible. Did me mentioning that things didn’t seem positive maybe piss him off to the point that he chose to block me? Blocking just seems SO extreme. Earlier on, I told him that I had been ghosted in the past and he said he had, as well, and requested that I never do it to him. But he's allowed to do it to me? Is he processing feelings? He admitted to really liking me and wanting to meet. I totally get that he could have another woman, but we talked A LOT, and each text message from him was like 4-7 messages long, along with hours of phone calls in the evenings. I mean he kept up with every detail of my life, which would be exhausting if you had another girl to also keep up with. What should I do if he does reach out? And does anyone think that he will? Thanks in advance! Guys responses are very much appreciated!
Wallysbears Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Delete his number. Do not contact him again. He was just using you to have someone to text/chat with and has no real desire/intention to meet you.
Mrs._December Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 He was never going to meet you. Don't be surprised if you find out one day in the future that you were actually talking to a morbidly obese man who lives in his mother's basement and hasn't seen the sun in over 4 years. People pretend to be someone else ALL the time on the internet. They crave the attention and excitement because their own lives are so abysmal. Once he realized he'd actually have to PRODUCE the person you thought you were talking to when you started to make plans for your upcoming trip, he couldn't block you fast enough. It's nothing you said or did. It's just that he's not who thought he was. 2
Giraffe-A Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 If anything people a lot of on the holidays is time and it really speak well for him to be talking to a stranger while with his family. He has to pass the time somehow. “You’re cute AF” is hardly a compliment or indication of his feelings. There’s nothing there other than illusions. If you’re moving, just keep it friendly and hope that by tbe time you move, at least you’ll know some people there, and maybe someone may be up to meet you.
Mrs._December Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 The other obvious answ4er is that he has a girlfriend or wife. JUST because he was able to stay in contact all day long at Christmas doesn't mean he's single. it means his girlfriend/wife was either too busy putting on dinner and helping clean up the mess afterward, or perhaps she's a nurse and had to work on Christmas. Do NOT assume he was single just because he managed to stay in contact with you on Christmas. In either event, whether it was the obese guy in the basement or the married/bored man having fun with you, neither were planning on ever meeting you.
Author ALH Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 Thanks! I have no intentions of reaching out if he didn't want to pursue me, I guess that's his problem.
Author ALH Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 Right and I have totally considered all of that. He did send pics which I imaged searched with no results. I also looked at his Facebook and everything added up, from his occupation to his family (I legit never get on Facebook so I had to creep one time for my peace of mind! Ha!). I mean we even talked on the phone, and it was definitely the voice of a 28 year old male. I actually spoke to a therapist who thinks he just kind of freaked out a little, and she's convinced he's going to try to come back. I've been fine without him though! If it's this easy to go from talking 24/7, to not talking at all, that's a good indication that he shouldn't be apart of my life, huh? I just like hearing the opinion of others in case that happens again in the future. Thanks!!
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 My guess is either that he’s not single and his girlfriend or wife caught him, or he has indeed been talking to other women and decided to go with one of them. To be fair, this guy is a stranger to you. You got overly attached to the idea of him without knowing who he truly is, as a person. Sure, you might know what he looks likes and sounds like, but that means little in terms of someone’s character and personality. He could be the biggest jerk-store in the country and you would have no clue at this point. Keep your expectations a bit more realistic next time and remember that emails, texts and calls over the span of just 14 days tell you very little about someone and his intentions. 1
stillafool Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 You've only been talking to him for 2 weeks. This should be easy put behind you. 1
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Your therapist is right...he freaked out. He got nervous and was worried that you would be disappointment or he would and what then?, when you came all that way. I'm sure when he makes his way to your state ( if he does), he will reach out. Ignore it for now. When you get there, give him a shout out to just meet up for a quick coffee (no pressure). Tell him you only have say an hour to kill before you have to head out. It might work.
Author ALH Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 Thanks everyone for your opinions! Yes, it was only 2 week, that's why I'm really not all that crushed. At all. However, as stated before, if someone does this in the future and it's gone on much longer than 2 weeks, I want to be able to have some insight as to what happened in their mind. But yes, I was infatuated with the IDEA of him, that's totally accurate. I guess we will see if my therapist was right! But either way, I'm too busy to wait around. If he does reach out, it'll be an unexpected surprise. And if by the time I move back he is on my mind, I may reach out for a cup of coffee. Thanks for the advice! 1
NuevoYorko Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I suggest that you don't do anything like this in the future. Don't get so involved on a personal level, like talking to him all Christmas day. This creates a false intimacy with a person you don't know and sets up for all kinds of potential problems when / if you finally meet. It's easy to keep things light while still showing that you have interest for 2 weeks. If there is no chance of meeting within a reasonable time frame, there is no future anyway. Don't get so invested. 2
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I agree, invest in those who ask you out after a few messages. Don't become someones penpal. Save the conversations for the date. 2
Author ALH Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 No, when I said all day, I just meant consistently throughout the day. Every few hours or so. Most guys won't text at all when they are with family, so it stood out to me. Definitely wasn't overly invested, and in most cases, if the guy I am talking to is local, we will meet soon after we start talking. Thanks again!
hippychick3 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Thanks everyone for your opinions! Yes, it was only 2 week, that's why I'm really not all that crushed. At all. However, as stated before, if someone does this in the future and it's gone on much longer than 2 weeks, I want to be able to have some insight as to what happened in their mind. But yes, I was infatuated with the IDEA of him, that's totally accurate. I guess we will see if my therapist was right! But either way, I'm too busy to wait around. If he does reach out, it'll be an unexpected surprise. And if by the time I move back he is on my mind, I may reach out for a cup of coffee. Thanks for the advice! There should be no future of this happening again. Don’t invest yourself into total strangers. Don’t spend more than a couple days texting or messaging someone you haven’t met yet. Meet up as soon as possible or move on. Until you meet up IN PERSON, you are total strangers. There should never be an attachment on your part to someone you have not met face to face. Ever.
edgygirl Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 (edited) Great advice here on you getting attached to the idea of someone before you should. But I also want to point out that the below is... needy. Specially before even meeting him! All of us have to learn to control our anxiety in the OLD world. Me included, I know it's difficult, but... I am not saying this was the reason he ghosted - we will never know why. But I think it helped. I texted and said that I didn’t feel as if the convo was as positive as it was before. Edited December 27, 2018 by edgygirl 1
Rockett Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 There should be no future of this happening again. Don’t invest yourself into total strangers. Don’t spend more than a couple days texting or messaging someone you haven’t met yet. Meet up as soon as possible or move on. Until you meet up IN PERSON, you are total strangers. There should never be an attachment on your part to someone you have not met face to face. Ever. Learned this the hard way. I was texting and videochatting with a guy in the city I was moving to, and met up with him once before I moved there. The problem with talking to people long distance (without meeting) is that there is too much space for fantasy about what they're like- I was filling in the blanks with all sorts of good stuff that turned out not to be true. A little positive reinforcement from him was all it took to allow my imagination to run wild. He eventually broke things off two weeks before I moved there, but I always sensed hesitation and fear on his part. He was in his early 40s and had never had a relationship, and so I think that the idea of me moving there and us starting something in real life, was too overwhelming for him. He was always talking about trust and mentioned several times that his ex cheated on him. Long story short, your time is better spent meeting people who make meeting you a priority. What was difficult for me, was owning up to my side of the equation, that I was willing to have a long distance thing with someone I (in reality) barely knew. It was a wake up call to not give in to my own fears about getting hurt. At the end of the day, that long distance "relationship" was based on mutual fantasy, and provided no fulfillment. Good luck with your move, and I'm sure you will meet more promising people once you get there!
NuevoYorko Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 No, when I said all day, I just meant consistently throughout the day. Every few hours or so. Most guys won't text at all when they are with family, so it stood out to me. You say that you were "talking 24/7" and that you were "infatuated with the idea of him." Also spoke to a therapist about it. Yes, you were invested. You're looking insight for if "someone does this in future and it's gone on much longer than 2 weeks." It's up to YOU not to do it in the future. It took both of you to play this game. No harm done in any case, clearly you're ready to move on. Take care.
Author ALH Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 You say that you were "talking 24/7" and that you were "infatuated with the idea of him." Also spoke to a therapist about it. Yes, you were invested. I did say that I wasn't "TOO invested", which is totally true. He was actually the one initiating most of the conversation, saying "I can't wait til you move then we can actually see each other often";"if we ever go steady..."; "you're so different than all the other girls"...he even mentioned KIDS! Haha. I never mentioned that kind of talk - it isn't my style 2 weeks into anything. Especially since we never even met. But yes, I definitely see what you mean and appreciate your response. Thanks! Also, I don't know how to reply directly to someone's post that's why these are all messed up
Author ALH Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 Long story short, your time is better spent meeting people who make meeting you a priority. What was difficult for me, was owning up to my side of the equation, that I was willing to have a long distance thing with someone I (in reality) barely knew. It was a wake up call to not give in to my own fears about getting hurt. At the end of the day, that long distance "relationship" was based on mutual fantasy, and provided no fulfillment. Totally agree! I'm glad it didn't go on too long with this guy, otherwise it would have been a lot worse. And yes, he did appear to make me a priority, but look where that got us!
Author ALH Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 But I also want to point out that the below is... needy. Specially before even Right, I mean, I had made a similar comment to him one other time and he responded with "You're such a girl, it's so cute." Plus, he opened up A LOT about his past, and how he was with a girl for a year who was suicidal. And SHE ended up being the one to break up with him. So, hopefully my little comment about positivity didn't send him running. We'll never know, but I will definitely watch my wording for next time Thanks for the comment!
stillafool Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 You say that you were "talking 24/7" and that you were "infatuated with the idea of him." Also spoke to a therapist about it. Yes, you were invested. I did say that I wasn't "TOO invested", which is totally true. He was actually the one initiating most of the conversation, saying "I can't wait til you move then we can actually see each other often";"if we ever go steady..."; "you're so different than all the other girls"...he even mentioned KIDS! Haha. I never mentioned that kind of talk - it isn't my style 2 weeks into anything. Especially since we never even met. But yes, I definitely see what you mean and appreciate your response. Thanks! Also, I don't know how to reply directly to someone's post that's why these are all messed up Even if he said those things above remember it's just talk not a declaration of love. There's nothing wrong with saying "I can't wait to see you" or "you're different from other girls", etc., and those statements (IMO) are not things a man would say that would make me fall for him. They are just general statements. There is also nothing wrong about giving your views on wanting kids in the future. I just think you were taking the compliments he gave you as a sign that he wanted to be with you but to me they just appear to be general statements.
Author ALH Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 Even if he said those things above remember it's just talk not a declaration of love. There's nothing wrong with saying "I can't wait to see you" or "you're different from other girls", etc., and those statements (IMO) are not things a man would say that would make me fall for him. They are just general statements. There is also nothing wrong about giving your views on wanting kids in the future. I just think you were taking the compliments he gave you as a sign that he wanted to be with you but to me they just appear to be general statements. Totally agree! Obviously I cannot say everything that he said to me due to the explicit nature, and just because it's A LOT of stuff, but he did say he wanted to be with me. That's why I thought he did. Glad that I figured all this out sooner than later though! Thanks again for the advice, I really appreciate it!
ExpatInItaly Posted December 28, 2018 Posted December 28, 2018 Totally agree! Obviously I cannot say everything that he said to me due to the explicit nature, and just because it's A LOT of stuff, but he did say he wanted to be with me. That's why I thought he did. Glad that I figured all this out sooner than later though! Thanks again for the advice, I really appreciate it! The thing is, OP, is that you can’t take talk of being together too seriously when you’ve never even met. He was building up a fantasy too, and something or someone else caught his eye
Author ALH Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 The thing is, OP, is that you can’t take talk of being together too seriously when you’ve never even met. He was building up a fantasy too, and something or someone else caught his eye 100% agree! Thanks for the response!
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