Supes Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 My beautiful, amazing partner of almost 5 years now has gone really cold towards me due to the stress she's under with her PhD. She's in her last year of it now and the pressure is getting in the way of our relationship. I've done so much and sacrificed so much for her that I think she's taking advantage of me in some respects. I spend Christmas with her and her family, the usual tradition that she would then come to my family for New Years. Yesterday she told me that she wants to stay at home with her family instead and that she would prefer to be alone with her family and not have me there. I spoke to her about it and told her how devastated I am. She doesn't seem to care. I feel like she's on the verge of breaking up with me. We have our own flat together which is something that may possibly keep us together. In the interest of self preservation I am thinking I might be better off pulling the plug and breaking up as this is just too much stress for me to take at this moment in time.
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Yikes. I was going to initially suggest that you calm down because the stress of her PhD will pass but for her to coldly say she doesn't want you there on NYE is bad. You need to get her to elaborate. Yes it may result in a break up but you are better off knowing then wondering.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I’m sorry OP, but I think you are probably right that your relationship is coming to an end. She seems to be strongly considering it, in any case. Disinviting your partner to a family event at Christmas is pretty significant distancing behaviour. Rather than preemptively pulling the plug, why not sit down and talk to her? Ask her why she prefers to spend this holiday season without you and open the floor for a conversation. It is likely that you’re not going to enjoy hearing what she has to say, but you might at least have some answers as to whether or not she sees a future anymore. Be prepared to hear that it’s not just the stress of her PhD that is driving a wedge between you two.
Author Supes Posted December 29, 2018 Author Posted December 29, 2018 Thanks very much for the advice. I spoke to her two days ago and told her that I'll respect her wishes and continue to be here for her. Since then I have been waiting by my phone like an absolute spud. She isn't texting to see how I'm doing. She's not asking me what my plans are for NYE. It's terrible. I'm holding out hope that she'll change her mind and come around to us celebrating the night together.
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Alas I think you need to start making alternate plans. Sitting home alone on NYE will make things worse. Find a buddy or two who will understand that you need some support but stop waiting for her. Even if she eventually comes around it won't be by Monday.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 Thanks very much for the advice. I spoke to her two days ago and told her that I'll respect her wishes and continue to be here for her. Since then I have been waiting by my phone like an absolute spud. She isn't texting to see how I'm doing. She's not asking me what my plans are for NYE. It's terrible. I'm holding out hope that she'll change her mind and come around to us celebrating the night together. I wouldn't recommend doing so. Get busy making other plans. If she happens to get in touch, see if you can coordinate something and have her meet up with you while you are out with friends or whatever. Otherwise, it's going to hurt even more when you wait around all day and night Monday for a call that never comes.
fredflint Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 My beautiful, amazing partner of almost 5 years now has gone really cold towards me due to the stress she's under with her PhD. She's in her last year of it now and the pressure is getting in the way of our relationship. I've done so much and sacrificed so much for her that I think she's taking advantage of me in some respects. I spend Christmas with her and her family, the usual tradition that she would then come to my family for New Years. Yesterday she told me that she wants to stay at home with her family instead and that she would prefer to be alone with her family and not have me there. I spoke to her about it and told her how devastated I am. She doesn't seem to care. I feel like she's on the verge of breaking up with me. We have our own flat together which is something that may possibly keep us together. In the interest of self preservation I am thinking I might be better off pulling the plug and breaking up as this is just too much stress for me to take at this moment in time. If you want to keep her, I wouldn't break up with her. That defies logic and will push her away. Just be as cool as you can be with everything. Easier said than done, but try anyway. Don't ignore her but don't get mad or needy either, just let her know one time, not repeatedly, that you'd like her to share her feelings, you're there to help if she needs anything, and then really focus on yourself. Wait for her to come to you, and open up to you. When she wants to talk, don't get defensive, just hear what she has to say. Which may include criticisms of you or the relationship. Just hear that and absorb it for now. It may instead be a breakup, in which case just hear what she has to say and accept it, again focus on yourself and rebuilding your own identity. Don't panic if that happens. The dignity and strength and composure with which you handle any breakup will be a large factor in whether or not she gives the relationship another chance.
Purepony Posted December 29, 2018 Posted December 29, 2018 I didn’t want to chime in but I believe it’s over Your best chance to salvage this is to start moving on now! Make plans do whatever you can but get out of the house and spend New Year’s with your friends for support or family Do not call her Texter question her otherwise it will push her away and make you look needy Whatever you do don’t stay at home waiting for the phone to ring go out have a good time and start moving on for the new year if she does have a change of heart it will be once it sinks in and that could take a few days a few weeks or a few months or maybe even longer than that
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