Should I feel guilty?

[Guilty or not]

I told my bf that we can celebrate gifts on the holidays when my daughter vitiated with boyfriend. We were supposed to get together once over the 4 days she visited. Before the holidays my daughter expressed concerns about my bf that I’ve been seeing over 5 years. Bottom line she doesn’t like or trust him because he did commit a white collar crime a while back and she knows I broke up with him a few times because he lied to me about his finances.

 

He wants to live with me but she doesn’t know that and truthfully I don’t think it’s in my best intetests.

 

Anyway before she arrived I told him she had reservations about him and he already knew all of that. I also told him not to buy any gifts including for me since he really can’t afford and I would add his name to the gifts for her and her bf from us and we did the same for his kids already. I also told him not to buy me anything because i know money is tight.

 

Well she made her own plans and didn’t want to see him as predicted. Needless to say he was very hurt and I’m feel really guilty. I want it to work but she’s 26 already. How can I force her to spend time with him?

[Kelliousme]

You can't force her to spend time with him and like him. But I believe there are reasonable reasons why your daughter doesn't like him and doesn't want you to be with him. This guy is financially unable, he lies to you, and he's committed a crime before. I mean.. would you want your daughter to be with a guy like that?

 

But anyways, it's entirely your business and your decision. So if you still choose to be with this man, then that's your choice. The only way to make your daughter like this man is if he changes and shows the changes to her. You don't have to feel guilty at all. I don't know why your man is in his current state, but if he loves you and he's indeed a good man.. perhaps he needs to do something about his financial situation instead of trying to move in with you and rely on you.

[nodramallama]

You can't.

 

Why do you want to be with this man? What does he add to your life?

 

You say that you don't think him moving in with you is in your best interests. Please listen to your gut. Once he moves in, you are essentially having a child living with you again - one who will be completely dependent on you financially. It will be extremely difficult to get him out of your home too if you decide to break things off.

Edited December 27, 2018 by nodramallama

[Giraffe-A]

Two red flags here, daughter has expressed her feelings about this guy and a guy with enough financial issues to have a crime record of it wants to move in with you.

 

Always listen to your family. They can see more rationally and have their own intuitions about strangers that enter the family circle. I’ll share my own experience here. My mom, having just divorced my dad made an effort to find a BF. We had a good family business but my mom was so down, she made questionable decisions. She just wanted to feel love again. She met this one guy who came around a lot and acted like the family friend. He was cruel and cold to us but my mom didnt see it. He ended touching two of my sisters, and telling his favorite one to finish college because he wanted her but didn’t want an uneducated wetback as a future wife. The good thing was that my mother took our side and not only ended the relationship, but almost ended him.

 

A man with finance, drinking, gambling, sex problems are not the perfect type of guy to bring in and nurse back to health. Why women feel the need to help such guys is beyond me. Your daughter is saving you from a miserable life. Ultimately, the decision is yours.

[d0nnivain]

Did you make a new screen name? This story is very familiar.

 

Since he's a convicted felon who has lied to you in the past, 1st you need to exam why you want to stay with a liar?

 

2nd you can force your adult daughter to do anything. If it was your home you should have simply invited him over. He is your BF after all. I'm sure if you raised her right she could have managed a few hours of being polite.

 

Until they spend time together she will never come to trust him, assuming his is now trustworthy. Given his past & the lies, I'm not so sure she's wrong.

[PRW]

The guy demonstrated his skills in white collar crime involving money. Then he wants to come live with you.

 

Think about that.

Count to 10

Think about it again

Count to 10

Think about it again

 

He WANTS to come live with you

 

He WANTS to come live with you?

 

WHY...isn't he offering for you to come live with him?????

 

You live with him that makes him financially responsible.

He lives with you that makes you financially responsible.

 

So a white collar convict wants to come live with you so you are financially responsible for him?

 

Have I got any wheels turning in your head yet?

[PRW]

The guy is a financial predator

[Guilty or not]

He lives in an apartment. We’ve dated almost 6 years. He agreed to pay me almost the amount he pays for rent. I’m concerned he won’t contribute as much because he lives paycheck to paycheck and then I’ll resent him among other things. I do believe he really loves me but I’m not ignorant that may be because of my comfortable financial status and my job as a lawyer.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds to me like your daughter doesn't trust your judgment with men and doesn't trust that this guy can be a good partner for you, and the evidence, it seems to me is far more on her side than on your side.

 

Guilt? You're feeling guilty? ... Let me get this right. You are feeling guilty over the way bf feels ... bf who by now has to know that lots of people won't trust him and that it's partly his job to rebuild his credibility with people?

 

I don't believe in being harsh, but if you want to feel guilty, I tend to say save that for murder or big crimes (perhaps bf ought to have some guilt for his crimes--not sure exactly how bad they were.) But if you insist on feeling unnecessary guilt, then in this situation, your guilt ought to be over your treatment of your daughter. You are using motherly powers to encourage your daughter to go against her deep judgment and upset that mom is living with an ex felon and someone who lied to her ... and someone I'm am betting who broke mom's heart multiple times. You ought to be praising your daughter for her smarts and independence.

 

You're playing too much of a doormat with this guy ... It's HIS JOB to reassure your daughter, not yours. HIS job to put in a call to daughter and meet her for coffee and ask for forgiveness and so on. Sure, feel awkward ... disappointed ... but guilty over his pain? Puh-lease! .. .Seriously get to therapy if that kind of feeling keeps popping up. Feeling guilt over bf's pain is a totally inappropriate and bizarre reaction to this situation.

 

BTW: Congratulations... You have raised a strong and independent daughter, who has really good sense! Now please, please take advantage of daughter's strength and wisdom.

[Mrs._December]

I told my bf that we can celebrate gifts on the holidays when my daughter vitiated with boyfriend. We were supposed to get together once over the 4 days she visited. Before the holidays my daughter expressed concerns about my bf that I’ve been seeing over 5 years. Bottom line she doesn’t like or trust him because he did commit a white collar crime a while back and she knows I broke up with him a few times because he lied to me about his finances.

 

He wants to live with me but she doesn’t know that and truthfully I don’t think it’s in my best intetests.

 

Anyway before she arrived I told him she had reservations about him and he already knew all of that. I also told him not to buy any gifts including for me since he really can’t afford and I would add his name to the gifts for her and her bf from us and we did the same for his kids already. I also told him not to buy me anything because i know money is tight.

 

Well she made her own plans and didn’t want to see him as predicted. Needless to say he was very hurt and I’m feel really guilty. I want it to work but she’s 26 already. How can I force her to spend time with him?

Like d0nnivain said, this tale is awfully familiar. I think I saw your story on another board or perhaps here under another name. If I remember correctly, this guy is awfully anxious to move in and marry you, even though he barely has 2 nickels to rub together. Also if I remember correctly, you have a pretty high paying job, assets, your own home etc., and he's only earning $30,000 a year and barely scraping by.

 

Was it you who had to buy the Christmas gifts for his kids too?

 

If this is the same guy, I can understand why your daughter wants little to do with him. His intentions are painfully clear as to why he's so anxious to get you down the aisle - the sooner, the better. And as much as you may want to believe it's for love, I'd be willing to bet my firstborn is indeed NOT for love. It's financial gain.

 

I'm not sure why you're so anxious to ignore all the glaring red flags and ton of baggage that come with this guy but I guess down the road your eyes will be opened. In the meantime, take a cue from your daughter. Even SHE can see what this guy is all about.

 

 

He lives in an apartment. We’ve dated almost 6 years. He agreed to pay me almost the amount he pays for rent. I’m concerned he won’t contribute as much because he lives paycheck to paycheck and then I’ll resent him among other things. I do believe he really loves me but I’m not ignorant that may be because of my comfortable financial status and my job as a lawyer.

I just read this - you are the same poster.

 

I'm glad to see you're able to recognize that him moving in with you (a/k/a being a financial parasite) would not be in your best interests. As I said above, it ain't for love.

Edited December 27, 2018 by Mrs._December

[olivetree]

Making three screen names to post about the same problem and expecting different results.

It is clear you're going to keep seeing this man regardless of what anyone says.

[smackie9]

Your daughter didn't show up because she doesn't like him, she didn't show up because of your decision to keep this man in your life. She is protesting YOU, her mother that refuses to listen to her.

[Sinister]

How can I force her to spend time with him?

 

 

You. Can't.

 

 

 

How about letting these two people work out a difference between themselves and you being not invested in the outcome?

 

 

 

Everyone in this equation is ostensibly an adult.