loversquarrel Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 OP, you are completely right to be feeling the way you do. if it were me, I'd even things up at an absolute minimum. I would start hitting the bars/online dating and find yourself the one thing all women hate- a younger woman. I am serious about this, she owes you one and if you want to see how she truly feels about you, tell her after you've screwed around and observe her reactions. It works wonders and I'm speaking from experience.
Author devast8ted Posted December 31, 2018 Author Posted December 31, 2018 I just can’t take that path. It’s not the person I am. If I am gonna mess around it’ll be after we are not together anymore. I don’t want to throw away my married life for a quick piece of ass. 1
masonjar24 Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 You are being ridiculous. You asked her, and she answered honestly. That's the first good sign. Would you be happier if she lied? Or that she cleared the air with you? Secondly, you're married to her and have been for 26 years. You have nothing to worry about. Be a man and realize she picked you and take it to the grave. You're a lucky one. Don't give her a hard time either. She probably doesnt deserve it.
loversquarrel Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 I just can’t take that path. It’s not the person I am. If I am gonna mess around it’ll be after we are not together anymore. I don’t want to throw away my married life for a quick piece of ass. Fair enough, but she risked throwing it away and now look what it's doing to you. She didn't give a **** about how it made you feel. You are now entitled to have your own "drunken stupid mistake", just remember that.
loversquarrel Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 You are being ridiculous. You asked her, and she answered honestly. That's the first good sign. Would you be happier if she lied? Or that she cleared the air with you? Secondly, you're married to her and have been for 26 years. You have nothing to worry about. Be a man and realize she picked you and take it to the grave. You're a lucky one. Don't give her a hard time either. She probably doesnt deserve it. She does deserve it and he's not being ridiculous. She did lie to him for 26 years by omission. He has everything to worry about. All she had to do was remain faithful, and now he's paying for it. He's not lucky, he should get what he expected and what he gave in return. A real man ensures one of two things - payback in equal measure or divorce, or both. Don't give her a hard time, in fact don't give her any time, it's what she deserves.
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Fair enough, but she risked throwing it away and now look what it's doing to you. She didn't give a **** about how it made you feel. You are now entitled to have your own "drunken stupid mistake", just remember that. At 23 she did not have 26 years of marriage behind her, she WAS young and stupid, if he cheats now he would be as he quite rightly says, be throwing away his entire marriage for a quick piece of ass.
salparadise Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 For reasons I won't bore you with, I asked my wife a few days ago if she ever messed around, or even kissed a guy. Actually, I think the above is the most impotent part of your post. What is going on in your marriage that is getting you to question her after all these years. It's not the kissing a stranger 28 years ago, but something else between you and her that is bugging you, I bet. This is an insightful observation... why now? What has happened that made you start questioning her about what happened 28 years ago? And why do you so easily make the leap from the kissing that she told you about to the worst scenario imaginable? What is the missing piece of information that you haven't shared? The past is the past. You can't ever change it. Whatever happened happened and that has been set in history for 28 years regardless of what you know or don't know. What you can change is how you think about it, which determines how you feel about it. Twenty eight years is a big chunk of time in the life of us humans, and you are sort of invalidating everything meaningful throughout those years due to a) catastrophic fantasizing rather than believing the best or making no assumptions, and b) dismissing the validity of nearly three decades of a good marriage. So, what is the part that you aren't telling us? What has happened recently that is causing you to question everything good and meaningful?
Guildford Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Devast8ted - Rather than having actual revenge sex (this generally does not make the person feel better), why don't you figure that you now carry (as Dan Savage once suggested) a "get out of infidelity free card" in your wallet? Perhaps then you could let go of your anxiety.
loversquarrel Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 At 23 she did not have 26 years of marriage behind her, she WAS young and stupid, if he cheats now he would be as he quite rightly says, be throwing away his entire marriage for a quick piece of ass. Nope, she chose to throw away a future, her selfishness destroyed the future him. The past has damaged the present and she may have been young but she wasn't stupid - she knew what she was doing and now must deal with consequences. Besides who says it has to be a quick piece of ass?
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Besides who says it has to be a quick piece of ass? I was directly quoting the OP. BUT really?? revenge cheating over a kiss that happened 26 years ago... That is screwed up thinking... To what end? Will it help? I seriously doubt it. Fine if he wants a divorce but that is not a sensible way to conduct oneself if the desire is to get over this and carry on with the marriage. 1
loversquarrel Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 I was directly quoting the OP. BUT really?? revenge cheating over a kiss that happened 26 years ago... That is screwed up thinking... To what end? Will it help? I seriously doubt it. Fine if he wants a divorce but that is not a sensible way to conduct oneself if the desire is to get over this and carry on with the marriage. First off a kiss was what was admitted when often times the victims of infidelity are treated to trickle truth. Secondly I proposed divorce as another option in a previous post. Consequences are required for many reasons, especially if she lacks empathy which seems to be the case. He is going to be tortured with this for quite some time. No amount of therapy erases the thoughts or quells the feelings of insecurity and lack of trust. There are other facts in place to cause one to think the worst rather than believe what was admitted to. People don't go out to bars with that frequency and stay out until much later than 1 AM only to come home wasted without having done something. He already know something happened and chances are his gut is correct to assume it was much more than kissing. 1
Just a Guy Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Hi Devast8ted, some of the folk on here have given you excellent advice. I agree that with the little information you have you cannot go back to a state of equanimity and pretend all is hunky dory in your marriage. Your trust in your wife has taken a severe knocking and from what you have written, your boundaries seem rather clearly drawn and inflexible. You have also indicated that your wife is emotionally non responsive to your acute feelings about what has happened. It is also apparent that all those years ago, when you flagged your concerns about her gallivanting about with her friend who seemed to be a loose cannon, she ignored your concerns and went about like a single woman bent on having a good time. With the kind of behaviour she was exhibiting then, anything could have happened and probably did. After 26 years all you are getting is a sanitized version of what probably happened. Considering the seriousness with which you view matters and how strongly you feel about the whole affair, it may be worth your while to ask your wife to take a polygraph test. Now I know that it has been discussed in great detail here that polygraphs are not reliable and some folks on here may come back with the argument that you are making too much ado about something very small. However the fact is that you are wearing the shoe and you know where it is pinching and if you are not happy with the situation then you have every right to do what you have to do to get some peace of mind. A polygraph test may lead your wife to make the infamous parking lot confessions or she may sail through the test with flying colours, in which case I am sure you will be the first person to be very happy and relieved. However, if there was something that your wife has been keeping a secret from you and it does get revealed, well then, you will have the information based on which you can make a decision about your future. Just something to think about. Best wishes.
Guildford Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Just a thought on the polygraph test, don't request it unless you are willing to file for divorce if she refuses. If she refuses to take the test there is no way to force her to take it short of filing for divorce, and if you don't file you will appear to be weak.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 He is going to be tortured with this for quite some time. No amount of therapy erases the thoughts or quells the feelings of insecurity and lack of trust. There are other facts in place to cause one to think the worst rather than believe what was admitted to. People don't go out to bars with that frequency and stay out until much later than 1 AM only to come home wasted without having done something. He already know something happened and chances are his gut is correct to assume it was much more than kissing. How does "revenge" cheating by the OP address any of this? All it would do is add another level of drama and recrimination on top of an already difficult situation. Bad, bad advice... Mr. Lucky 3
loversquarrel Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 How does "revenge" cheating by the OP address any of this? All it would do is add another level of drama and recrimination on top of an already difficult situation. Bad, bad advice... Mr. Lucky That's your opinion and you are welcome to it. Revenge cheating like any other act of vengeance creates equilibrium. It forces respect where it is lacking and sends a clear message of what's good for one is good for the other. It may not be for everyone but to call it bad advice is rather shortsighted as it has worked for others including myself. Maybe divorce is the better option, or perhaps separation. Whatever the decision op decides upon it would be pertinent to deal with such behavior (including her non chalant attitude towards op regarding the matter) in a firm and certain way, and it must include a consequence.
pepperbird Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 op, in the end, it's your life and you are the one who has to get up each day and live it. We don't. you sounds like someone with a good head on your shoulders. I really believe you have the answers in you, and it's going to take you some time to figure out your next steps. About revenge cheating? Meh, I wouldn't think it would make you feel any better. In fact, after the few minutes of feeling good, you'd be right back down int he dumps, except you'd feel even worse, as you cheated. Not only was it cheating, it wold have been something you planned. That doesn't sound like the kind of man you are. Whatever decisions you make, be true to yourself and what's right for you. 1
Author devast8ted Posted January 2, 2019 Author Posted January 2, 2019 op, in the end, it's your life and you are the one who has to get up each day and live it. We don't. you sounds like someone with a good head on your shoulders. I really believe you have the answers in you, and it's going to take you some time to figure out your next steps. About revenge cheating? Meh, I wouldn't think it would make you feel any better. In fact, after the few minutes of feeling good, you'd be right back down int he dumps, except you'd feel even worse, as you cheated. Not only was it cheating, it wold have been something you planned. That doesn't sound like the kind of man you are. Whatever decisions you make, be true to yourself and what's right for you. So we have a counseling session Saturday. Praying it goes positively. 1
Author devast8ted Posted January 3, 2019 Author Posted January 3, 2019 Somehow I made it through the holidays. I can say it wasn’t the best of times for me. I’m still feeling intense betrayal and loneliness. We still keep rehashing the same points, I’m not sure we have made any progress. Counseling session is set for this weekend. I have to say I am scared to learn that more happened than I’ve been told. I do not want to hurt her in any way, but there aren’t any consequences for her actions except me being wrecked.
DKT3 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Somehow I made it through the holidays. I can say it wasn’t the best of times for me. I’m still feeling intense betrayal and loneliness. We still keep rehashing the same points, I’m not sure we have made any progress. Counseling session is set for this weekend. I have to say I am scared to learn that more happened than I’ve been told. I do not want to hurt her in any way, but there aren’t any consequences for her actions except me being wrecked. Cheaters lie. Rarely is the original version of events the full story. My guess is you will never know. your wife is clearly skilled at deception, coupled with your reaction to this watered down version, she is likely never going to reveal the truth. Sadly, even if this happens to be the truth you will never fully believe it.
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