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26 year secret in our marriage (infidelity- related)

devast8ted

By devast8ted
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

Posted
Posted

Sorry, OP. This is just the tip of the ice berg. For her to remember the incident so well means that the guy made a real impression on her - and that means more happened than she lets on. You are being gas lighted. There was more to her and her nasty friend letting off steam at the bars after work than she ever let on... now, is it worth dissolving the marriage over? Depends on just how much more occurred and exactly how far your wife took things... you may want to suggest a polygraph is in order. You may get a parking lot confession, or she will suddenly 'remember' the broom closet BJ she used to give the OM... then you can decide. For me, it would be enough to walk away. I would rather live alone with truth than be with a deceitful liar...

DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted

Pepper bird, I think what some are missing is how learning this information instantly call into question the last two decades. Questions that he will never have answers for. That isn't easy to deal with.

 

Here is the thing, I believe OP has always questioned her behavior during that period over the years, asking her questions didn't just pop up all of sudden. He likely had a gut feeling then but didn't explore it.

 

Is it worth ending the marriage? I've stated many times that actual physical contact outside of a relationship is rarely what ends relationships, it's the behavior that follows the betrayed party finding out. So far his wife is clearly gaslighting him with the whole I told you years ago nonsense...no one forgets things like that.

 

Her behavior to come will likely determine the outcome not the event in question.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I think I would be done

 

Then the first step would be making sure she understands what's at stake here.

 

Would you be open to MC?

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Buckeye2 Established Member

Buckeye2

Posted
Posted
She swears that it was nothing more than a kiss. She also swears she told me years ago. This can’t be true, I wouldn’t be freaking out now.

 

To me this illustrates a point. To some people sexual fidelity (even kissing) is a big deal while for others it isn’t and never will be.

 

They think the relationship is all that matters. As long as you come home and never intended to leave your spouse then all is good. They were faithful in the way that matters (to them).

 

It would have made huge impact if she had told you years ago. You could probably remember where you were when she told you. That’s because it’s a huge deal to you.

 

Because it’s so trivial to her she assumes that she must have told you.

  • Like 1
bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

Posted
Posted

Yeah, the others are right. Piss away 26 years of marriage over something like this.

 

I’ll just tell you that if I were in this situation, I’d definitely be very upset about it and my spouse would know I was upset, and I wouldn’t just forget it in a day. But I wouldn’t end my marriage over it. This has nothing to do with excusing cheating. It has to do with something that happened a long time ago and didn’t go very far. In the great scheme of things, it’s not worth tearing up everything the two of you have gained over these past numerous years. Unless, of course, you’re looking for a reason to end your marriage. But this person, this life, is your life. And I’m here to tell you that walking away from it would devastate you on many, many levels.

  • Like 3
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted (edited)

Plenty BHs getting triggered over this, but whilst everyone here returns to their own cosy beds tonight, some with their own cheating spouse tucked in beside them, the poor OP is encouraged to leave his "liar" of a wife and his 28 yo marriage over a kiss, 26 years ago...

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 4
Missing4 Member

Missing4

Posted
Posted

Some thoughts that comes to mind are:

 

1) this should not be the end of your marriage. She cheated and learned. We don’t know what the circumstances of your relationship or life were. This is why individual and marriage counselling are good.

 

2) this should be a huge red flag about your FUTURE. You decided to ask a question of trust. You found out that your wife has kept something from you that is vital to your relationship, and honestly to how you view her as a person. This is why marriage counselling and individual counselling is necessary.

 

Individual counselling is for you to get through this with someone’s guidance. Your pain is REAL. These forums have time and again shown that counselling is the first step. If you’re willing to leave the marriage, then it means her betrayal is THAT damaging.

 

Marriage counselling is to let you communicate with her effectively about your pain, and feelings about the future. The counsellor is emotionless. They will help bring the conversation back on track if you two start bickering or she says something that sets you off. You need that emotionless person there to just, steer the boat.

 

Don’t end the marriage because of this. Don’t let it tester and eat away valuable time. She cheated and learned a lesson. Too bad for her that the consequence occurred 26 years later, instead of 1992, so she’ll have to deal with it now.

 

And I’m sorry that you’re going through this because of someone eles’s Choices. Being robbed of your free will, which in this case was staying together or not in 1992, is truly painful.

 

Good luck friend. We’re all on your side :bunny:

  • Like 1
DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted (edited)
Plenty BHs getting triggered over this, but whilst everyone here returns to their own cosy beds tonight, some with their own cheating spouse tucked in beside them, the poor OP is encouraged to leave his "liar" of a wife and his 28 yo marriage over a kiss, 26 years ago...

 

While I admit that I consistently skip certain posts, I have not seen anyone suggest he leave. However, as is also consistent here, a womans indecresion is being minimized as well as its impact. Doesn't matter if it was 26 years or 26 days ago it's new to him, he still has to process the information the same.

 

What I'm saying is he has to watch her know moving forward, she isnt off to a good start with the I already told you business.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 2
bigman1 Established Member

bigman1

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Tough spot you are in. On one hand, she was young and dumb, but still betrayed you. On the other hand, you have 26 years of fidelity. I get the hurt and shock, but I would say that, in context, ... more of a sting than a break.

 

I don't minimize it, I just say, that the scope, duration, intensity, gravity, and pull of the act in the context of 26 years has to be considered. Now, insofar as having a full blown "what in THE hell" kind of confrontation, you get to have that. Even a "If I had known earlier, we'd be done" is appropriate. Heck, an "I am rethinking my whole life with you" is fair game for a KISS. Still, if she told you a few years back, as she said, then maybe you gotta let this go.

 

If she is lying about telling you years ago, then she is probably lying about the true nature of the encounter. If she is telling the truth, then... Like I said, tough spot. See if she can jog your memory as to when she told you. A kiss, is worth a spat. Sex...well, that is a game changer, potentially. IF IT WAS 1 TIME 26 YEARS AGO WHILE DRUNK.

Haru-no-yuki Member

Haru-no-yuki

Posted
Posted
I think I would be done

 

Maybe just get your own back and have a ONS with someone?

 

Then hold onto the secret for the next 26 years and tell her when you guys are in your seventies.

 

Might make you feel better.

 

Just an idea ;)

doyathinkso Established Member

doyathinkso

Posted
Posted

It wasn't just a kiss.

 

It wasn't just once.

 

A story as old as the hills.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

It wasn't just a kiss.

It wasn't just once.

A story as old as the hills.

 

 

You do not KNOW that.

You were not there.

You know nothing about this woman.

You are just stirring the pot.

  • Like 2
doyathinkso Established Member

doyathinkso

Posted
Posted

Rug-sweeping is carcinogenic.

L0nely Member

L0nely

Posted
Posted
Maybe just get your own back and have a ONS with someone?

 

Then hold onto the secret for the next 26 years and tell her when you guys are in your seventies.

 

Might make you feel better.

 

Just an idea ;)

 

 

hahaha. I actually like this idea but not like a full one night stand. maybe just a drunken kiss with someone is enough. That would honestly make me feel better if I were him. Don't live life being mad about something for too long. Do something about it and move on.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
Maybe just get your own back and have a ONS with someone?

 

Then hold onto the secret for the next 26 years and tell her when you guys are in your seventies.

 

Might make you feel better.

 

Just an idea ;)

 

Were I him, this would only serve to make me feel worse about myself than he seems to already be...

 

Mr. Lucky

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

I remember details of an American GI I kissed over 30 years ago on a night out.

 

Nothing more happened...but I do remember. Women are much better with details and description than men.

 

She was young...if you've got a good marriage let it go.

  • Like 1
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devast8ted Member

devast8ted

Posted
  • Author
Posted

All I feel are crazy mood swings. I don’t know what to do. We have scheduled a counseling session, but it’s over two weeks away. Dont think I can make it that long. I’m begging her for guidance from her. Not getting much emotional support.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I’m begging her for guidance from her.

 

What are you hoping she'll do?

 

If she told you the truth, not much more to tell. And if she didn't tell the truth, doubt there's much more she with tell. Lousy situation.

 

Best to just stay busy and lay low until counseling starts. Hopefully, some progress will be made there...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Sparta Established Member

Sparta

Posted
Posted

Could you elaborate on how she’s dealing with this.? She acting like she doesn’t care that she’s hurt you.? It would help OP if you told us in a more detailed post.

How she’s acting around you, how she’s treating the situation.?

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devast8ted Member

devast8ted

Posted
  • Author
Posted

She says she’s concerned and hurt that she did this to me. But unfortunately she is not and has never been a very warm person. There was truly no emotion on her part, knowing that I am dying inside. It makes me feel she doesn’t care. I get the feeling she wants me to believe everything she’s told me and move on. I’ve told her that when she sees me dropping into depression she needs to step in and fill the hole in my heart. It’s not happening and makes me feel she. Wants me to suffer. My heart doesn’t believe that, but my head does. She doesn’t grasp that this has been a shock to everything I know. Everywhere we’ve ever been, ever done, now has this black cloud of doubt. I’m probably overreacting but I just can stop the mental images of what may have been.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
Everywhere we’ve ever been, ever done, now has this black cloud of doubt. I’m probably overreacting but I just can stop the mental images of what may have been.

 

 

Have you told her that?

  • Like 1
DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted
She says she’s concerned and hurt that she did this to me. But unfortunately she is not and has never been a very warm person. There was truly no emotion on her part, knowing that I am dying inside. It makes me feel she doesn’t care. I get the feeling she wants me to believe everything she’s told me and move on. I’ve told her that when she sees me dropping into depression she needs to step in and fill the hole in my heart. It’s not happening and makes me feel she. Wants me to suffer. My heart doesn’t believe that, but my head does. She doesn’t grasp that this has been a shock to everything I know. Everywhere we’ve ever been, ever done, now has this black cloud of doubt. I’m probably overreacting but I just can stop the mental images of what may have been.

 

I believe this is common on both sides. First, your wife likely doesn't see this as a big deal (even if it was a full blown affair) for several reasons, the major one being she has had 2 plus decades to deal with guilt if she had any. Which leads to the second part, she doesn't feel she really did anything that bad, after all she chose you.

 

From your standpoint, if she could keep this from you then what else is she capable of keeping from you. How do you know she never did it since.

 

I personally ranged from the very logical to the extremely illogical questions. I started to question all the times we were apart before, during and after. I questioned my children, didn't want to, but I did.

 

I think she has spent years minimizing her actions to the point that she is now more annoyed by your reaction then anything.

 

Truth is, you dont trust her. She is the only one who can fix that. I feel that those who are telling you to get over it are also minimizing your feeling just as your wife appears to be doing. That in itself can be torture.

 

Ask her for a polygraph, pay close attention to her reaction. In that will be a pretty good indication of more, if there is more. Tell her you want to contact both him and her friend. Now to actually do so would likely be unsuccessful, but again her reaction is telling one way or the other.

 

As I said, her actions 20 something years ago isnt going to be your problem, it's her actions now that will determine what happens next.

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devast8ted Member

devast8ted

Posted
  • Author
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Have you told her that?

 

Absolutely

pepperbird Established Member

pepperbird

Posted
Posted (edited)
All I feel are crazy mood swings. I don’t know what to do. We have scheduled a counseling session, but it’s over two weeks away. Dont think I can make it that long. I’m begging her for guidance from her. Not getting much emotional support.

 

 

 

 

That's the thing. To her, this is all "old business". She's worked through it, and can't understand why you can't catch up.

 

No offense to your wife, but she doesn't get to dictate the timeline of how you adjust to this information. Nor should she want to. you need to work through it at your own pace.

 

 

And, btw, there will be a lot of people who will tell you to just suck it up and move on. That is a huge mistake. I'm not saying you need to wallow in sadness, but you do need to adjust and you may well have some huge trust issues.

 

In the world of affairs, I was lucky ( if you can call it that) because my spouse's affair was very short, he owned up to it. It never had time to taint years and years.

 

Your wife's actions, even though they may have been just a kiss, sat there for all these years. I don't think she lied to hurt you, but I do think she lied because she wanted to both spare your feelings and because it was easier for her. The problem is that this begs the question, " what else has she lied about", and I can totally understand the turmoil you're in.

 

Try and hang on until you can see your counselor. If you have a good friend or family member you can trust, take him out for a beer/coffee or whatever beverage guys bond over and talk to him. They can be supportive and maybe help give you a perspective we can't offer as they know you and your life.

Edited by pepperbird
loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

Posted
Posted
You do not KNOW that.

You were not there.

You know nothing about this woman.

You are just stirring the pot.

 

If I'm not mistaken....neither were you.

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