26 year secret in our marriage (infidelity- related)

[devast8ted]

I have been happily married for 28 years. Early in our marriage I worked nights, 3p to 1a, and my wife worked days. At this time she was 23, I was 25. We were married for two years and together 4 years at the time.

 

She had a female single friend that pressured and convinced my wife to go out often after work for happy hours, while I was working. I was not happy about it and was adamant that I didn't like it and stressed that I did not trust other men. I did trust my wife to the extent that she stays sober. Herein lied the problem. Her and her friend would get plastered at local bars. I knew, she knew I knew. She swore then that no one would ever hit on her (meanwhile they were both smoking hot). She was and still is very naive as to mens intentions. As for my recollection this went on for a while creating extreme stife in my life until her friend finally met a man and got married. I would arrive home after 1 am and she wouldn't get home for hours after, wasted (and driving, what a mess).

 

For reasons I won't bore you with, I asked my wife a few days ago if she ever messed around, or even kissed a guy. She told me that one night they met some guys from another state. She had very specific information about them like where they were from, why they were there, and what they did for work. Either way she says they hung out and when it was time to leave they went outside and kissed for a while. She swears. I do not know what to believe. It just seems so odd that she remembers significant details about this guy. She says she never talked to him or saw him again. Once again I have no way to confirm this.

 

Even though she says it was 'only a kiss', my mind won't stop racing of what could have been. Meanwhile her response concerns me more in that there seems to be no panic to my reaction. She says she was young and stupid. I do not want to throw away my marriage, but I also have a huge trust issue now.

 

Any advice??? Please!!!!

[Giraffe-A]

In today’s world, people’s idea of a long-term relationship is 1 yr. There’s literraly celebrations for each month “anniversary.” You made it almost 3 decades with your wife who despite getting a taste of freedom and some random person decided her place and love was with you. Why ruin it now? Make your judgement based on her role as your wife.

[DKT3]

Two options, either she remembers him because it was a one time thing and it has weighed on her with guilt and regret all these years or she was much more involved with him. I'm guessing with the latter her nights out would have continued even after her friend married. To farther support the latter is the ease in which she admitted the events. Had she been more involved she would have likely just said no, she did nothing.

 

Sadly, you will never know. That is what's causing the issue. Now you will start questioning your entire relationship. You will recount all the times she was missing, 45 minutes here an hour there. It sucks, it's a total mind F%#k.

[DKT3]

In today’s world, people’s idea of a long-term relationship is 1 yr. There’s literraly celebrations for each month “anniversary.” You made it almost 3 decades with your wife who despite getting a taste of freedom and some random person decided her place and love was with you. Why ruin it now? Make your judgement based on her role as your wife.

 

No that easy because the foundation has a huge crack in it now. If only is was that easy, besides she could have been unfaithful the entire time, he doesn't know that anymore then he knows what happened on her nights out all those years ago.

[BettyDraper]

I don't believe that there was only kissing.

[bathtub-row]

I think she’s absolutely right - she was young and stupid. Now that so much time has passed, just leave it alone.

[Missing4]

Hey there. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be gut wrenching to feel betrayed after all of these years. She’s had all this time to process it but this betrayal has just inflected it’s wound upon you.

 

I don’t like her attitude towards this at all. Yes it was 26 years ago, and yes she was young and stupid, but the pain is real because it’s new for YOU. She needs to realize that you’re going to go through bad times.

 

I hope you two talk it out, and even get a professional involved to speed up the process and guide you.

 

Sorry she couldn’t take the secret to the grave

[Marc878]

Sorry man.

 

If you go through enough betrayal stories an admitted kiss = sex for the most part.

 

The big thing is your gut feeling has a way of being right a lot of times.

 

Adults of which she was one stopping at kissing after a bar?

 

I Hope she's truthfull but you really just don't know.

[Simple Logic]

Really, after 26 years you decided it was time to bring up this topic? After 26+ years of marriage you all of a sudden have trust issues? Sounds nuts to me.

Edited December 27, 2018 by Simple Logic

[anika99]

Well to be fair your wife has probably matured a great deal over the years. When I was that age I was a huge flirt and I probably wouldn't have even thought that a drunken kiss with a stranger was even cheating. Now I think that's a terrible way to behave when in a committed relationship but when I was young and immature I just enjoyed getting attention. I can see why it's awful to find out about this now but if your wife has been faithful and devoted to you since that time then I don't think it's worth ending your marriage.

[Haru-no-yuki]

For reasons I won't bore you with, I asked my wife a few days ago if she ever messed around, or even kissed a guy.

 

Context is important. Why did you ask?

 

Assuming nothing untoward in the reason, then why the hell do you care what happened 26 years ago.

 

26 years - most marriages will experience some level of cheating by probably both partners if they're hot enough.

[usa1ah]

You must of had trust issues with her to even ask her.

 

Being young and stupid is no excuse for cheating.

[elaine567]

For reasons I won't bore you with, I asked my wife a few days ago if she ever messed around, or even kissed a guy.

 

 

Go on bore us, why on earth did you ask her that?

[Cersei]

Yes if you did not want the truth you should not have asked this question.

[devast8ted]

So no real trust issues prior to this. The reason I asked is that we have friends are a very young newly married couple. They are military so that are currently stationed apart. The wife has apparently lost it and has been doing her own thing. The husband is a lot like me, very loyal. I probably should not have asked her, but now I can’t lose the images of her with another man. She swears that it was nothing more than a kiss. She also swears she told me years ago. This can’t be true, I wouldn’t be freaking out now. Just so not know where to turn.

[Giraffe-A]

No that easy because the foundation has a huge crack in it now. If only is was that easy, besides she could have been unfaithful the entire time, he doesn't know that anymore then he knows what happened on her nights out all those years ago.

I totally get that. It’s been on his mind all these years too and probably the best way to handle this would be through counseling. If he’s got current suspicious thoughts that lef him to think about that past, then that’s a different story. Still, counseling would be their best bet to help resolve this for the sake of their family. 28 years is a long time to waste.

[Haru-no-yuki]

I wouldn’t be freaking out now. Just so not know where to turn.

 

Err... You've had a loving marriage for 25+ years and are now losing it over something that happened almost three decades ago. It's insane.

 

What's the worst that could have happened. She screwed some guy for a while and eventually they parted ways (I'm guessing after such a long time there is zero chance he is still on the scene).

 

I would just get over it. You're making a big deal out of nothing. Keep going the way you're handling it and your wife will walk.

[DKT3]

It's always the same...some woman cheats years ago and we get a host of people saying oh it was years ago, she was young, blah blah.. she was unfaithful she was deceitful and now she is gaslighting. I'm not sure those EXCUSES are valid. He just found out so for him it happened yesterday.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just so not know where to turn.

 

Let's say she admitted that, decades ago, she had a drunken ONS with this guy.

 

Assuming she's been a faithful and loving partner in marriage since then, what would you do with this new-found knowledge ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[devast8ted]

Let's say she admitted that, decades ago, she had a drunken ONS with this guy.

 

Assuming she's been a faithful and loving partner in marriage since then, what would you do with this new-found knowledge ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think I would be done

[WMGuy]

I understand the dwelling on something for many years and/or something triggering the thought like what your friends are going through.

 

What a mind screwing you have going on. Part of me thinks that she is messing with you. Some people have a weird sense of humor or she thinks your insecurities on the subject are ridiculous. I just find it hard to believe that she would remember so many details while being intoxicated from so long ago.

 

I hope you can move on from this. I know easier said than done.

[burnt]

For reasons I won't bore you with, I asked my wife a few days ago if she ever messed around, or even kissed a guy.

 

Actually, I think the above is the most impotent part of your post. What is going on in your marriage that is getting you to question her after all these years. It's not the kissing a stranger 28 years ago, but something else between you and her that is bugging you, I bet.

 

But to address the kissing part:

Why does she remember every detail? Because women do--in general. We women remember every nauseating detail of everything falls under "emotional" category. Ever wander how we manage to bring up a thing you did 20 some years ago and we keep at it repeatedly?

 

If your wife fooled around with 30 some men, then she wouldn't remember the details as well. Because it was ONLY one, that's why the details are that sharp.

 

I have been with five men, and ask me 40 years from now, and I'll be able to tell you the way the air was blowing or the exact thing I was wearing or exact time it was when I was with each man. It's not a choice. We remember what affects us strongly at that moment it happens.

 

You know how we all remember 9-11 so well so many years later--where we were when we heard the news? Doesn't mean 9-11 makes us happy.

 

Let it go. She's been with you so many years. She was young and stupid and you two have made it through so many years. Don't destroy the good because of one bad many years ago. We all mess up. Try to see the good in her and in your relationship.

[elaine567]

I just find it hard to believe that she would remember so many details while being intoxicated from so long ago.

If he is the only man she has kissed apart from her husband in 26 years, she is bound to remember every detail...

It is not something she is likely to forget, is it?

[bathtub-row]

I’ll just say that I don’t think this merits walking away from a 26 yr marriage. Yeah, it was bad what she did but she didn’t have sex with the guy and never did anything like that again. Keep it in perspective.

[pepperbird]

Interesting how those who have had affairs themselves recommend forgetting about it. I guess it's easier for them that way.

 

op, I get where you are coming from. While it may have been all those years ago for her, for you, the clock has just started. It's fresh and new, and you need time to work through it.

 

your wife has had many years to "mentally process" her actions. You have not had that luxury. Your image of who she is had been shattered, and add to that the fact that she has been lying to you for all these years. Every day she looked at you, was intimate with you, went through the daily grind with you all knowing she was being deceptive, smiling to your face.

 

This is why I feel it's so important for a ws to disclose as soon as possible. Finding out so many years later can be really painful and makes you question your relationship.

 

In your shoes, I would recommend the de riguer answer of counseling with your wife. You both need to work through this together and find your way forward. It's going to take some time, but this disclosure doesn't have to equate to the end of your marriage.