GreenTea937 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 So I went on Bumble. Not my favorite place to meet men but whatever. Met a guy. Has an ok job, college degree, served his country. First date - Takes me to Panera Bread. Seriously. Usually thats too cheap a date for me but whatever. Next two dates Starbucks. Cant be expected to buy me a meal. The date after was going to be starbucks (again) but I opted to meet at a bar. Somehow despite all this his southern charm and good manners won me over. Some weird idiosyncrasies. He wanted to hold my hand and pray over the meal on the first date. Thats fine if you pray but that was a bit much. Almost like he was trying to show what a nice God fearing man he was. I never again saw him pray over a meal again. If hes that religious how come he doesnt pray over other meals. Is it just for show? He posts on FB many memes about forgiveness. Has he done some awful things? Who wants forgiveness that badly? We went to a bar. I had to pay for my own drink. This is like the 4th date. We go to another bar where we meet my friends. He offers to buy everyone myself and 3 of my friends drinks and pizza. I'm thinking who is this guy? Keep in mind one lesbian couple and one gf -- all girsl who he is trying to impress. Good things - he was well mannered. We went on 7-8 dates and we did not even kiss. Even when I was dressed in a low cut dress with a lot of cleavage hanging out. He simply asked me if thats what I wore to work. I said no that I went home and changed which was the truth. I'd never be that unprofessional. We played a lot of chess when we met at bars. I liked how he didnt invite me over nor did he ask me to come over. This built up my trust in him somewhat. He told me on the second date how his ex gf and ex wife ganged up on him and thats why he has a criminal record. His ex wife was jealous he dated a younger woman who was "so beautiful" and she polluted the mind of the younger woman against him and they ganged up on him and charged him with "everything". I go to the county courthouse. More than 10 years ago - he had an assault charge placed by the ex gf. she was his fwb by this time. they broke up b/c she cheated on him. she was a fwb whose house he showed up drunk to. It said in the police report he showed up "wanting some sex". She refused. He slapped her open palm leaving a huge imprint on her cheek. She had to push him out of the house. He's 5 inches bigger than her and 50-60 lbs heavier all solid muscle. He was ordered anger management and alcohol treatment. Ordered to stay away from victim 2 years. Had another charge for voyerism. His ex wife and gf ganged up on him in his mind. He was taking pictures of women that he had sex with w/o their consent. When the cops came he told them he destroyed all the evidence. Hence he got obstruction of justice b/c the voyeurism could not be proven. While on probation he also got a DUI. totaled his car and caused a lot of destruction while he fled the scene of an accident. All this happened 10 years ago. Can a person change? Should I run? He is very nice. Dating 3 months. Very sweet. Artistic. Good conversationalist. Amazing in bed. I havent "done it" this many times in a day with anyone else I ever dated. We will go at it 3-4 times in a day.
BaileyB Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Should you run? From a guy who has a history of problem drinking (and driving) and physical abuse... most definitely, you should run fast and you should run far! And despite what he may try to tell you about his ex-wife and girlfriend “hanging up on him,” this man and only this man is responsible for his actions and his criminal history. If he was the “victim” here, he would have been convicted and he would not have gone to jail. 1
Garcon1986 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 This bloke hasn't reformed from his old ways mate. The sex was amazing but it's all downhill from here. I wouldn't keep this one up.
Giraffe-A Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 If there’s nothing in public record since then, I’d give him a chance but date with caution. He seems like he’s going to get controlling. Be ready to bounce if he does.
Gretchen12 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 How do you know he's not secretly videotaping you having sex with him? Society can forgive him but no one says you should risk ending up in a sex video online.
Simple Logic Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Yes people can and do change, but most don’t
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 There is no way I would continue dating this man. Too many serious red flags to even consider him an option.
Art_Critic Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Here is your future.. how long do you think it will take him to do the same to you ? She refused. He slapped her open palm leaving a huge imprint on her cheek. IMO a criminal record isn't that big of a deal if they did their time and learned from it, ie: a DUI.. they only have one and it was years ago and when they talk about it they don't blame anybody.. In his case he BLAMES his exGF and exW for his abuse... She refused. He slapped her open palm leaving a huge imprint on her cheek. She ganged up on him I would no way in the world ever go out with this guy again.... 1
LostOnes05 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Would you drive through flashing lights, signs and barriers telling you a train was quickly approaching because there were free concert tickets on the other side? Probably not, right? So why are you ignoring all these warning signs? Sounds like this guy isn't culpable for anything that happens in his life. And when he slaps you, guess whose fault that will be? Sounds like you are intentionally blindfolding yourself because the sex is good and often. No one is perfect, but I'd be wary of this guy.
Wallysbears Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Everything about what you have described says that this guy is a drunk (hence why the dates have been places where there was no booze for a while) and he also has a history of domestic violence. No way I'd ever talk to him. 1
nodramallama Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Has he talked about what he's done to get sober? Therapy? AA?? Or has he merely changed his habits, ie still drinking, but not getting behind the wheel? I dated someone like that - he served 30 days for his 3rd dui. Never acknowledged he had a drinking problem and instead changed his lifestyle so that he never left his house after 4 pm (when he was home from work and poured his first of many drinks for the evening). Anyone who can't own their sh*t - NOPE! Next!
Saracena Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Assault? Voyerism? There is no way in hell I'd continue seeing this man! And the fact it's been a while ago would make no difference to me.
Mrs._December Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 I havent "done it" this many times in a day with anyone else I ever dated. We will go at it 3-4 times in a day. So, neither one of you has a job, then? I would expect someone like him not to have a job, but I'm thinking you do. Honestly, if you're going to measure the worth or seriousness of a relationship with some guy based on having sex 3 and 4 times a day, then you're using the wrong criteria. Seriously. Just about any guy would want to do that all day if it was available to him. Hell, monkeys do that. That doesn't make him some kind of he man. But if having sex all day with some sexual deviant with priors for voyeurism and domestic abuse, and someone who can't even man up and take responsibility for an accident he caused (but does further damage in his cowardly bid to escape) is your thing, then have at it.
olivetree Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Voyeurism, assault, a DUI and fleeing the scene? I wouldn't date him. I don't even know how you made it past the praying, Panera Bread and Starbucks. Anyway, I don't think he is truly changed because it doesn't sound like he actually took responsibility for what he did. He's still leading with excuses - they "ganged up" on him.
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 (edited) Sounds like he is doing everything to make his life right. He's following the 12 steps, and found God. What I see is a man that was a belligerent alcoholic that hit rock bottom, and got himself into trouble. The help he was force to take, finally turned his life around. Ask him what his sobriety birthday date is, and how many years (my mom is a recovered alcoholic so I know these things). One thing I do find concerning is he still blames the ex wife and GF for him getting arrested,...that they purposely "ganged up" on him. I hardly doubt that. They were fearing for their lives, and wanted him to get help. He still is not taking accountability for his actions that let up to that night. My assessment is, he is still working on himself but has not purged his demons. The thing about alcoholics is denial....he's still in denial. Just quitting alcohol alone doesn't cut it. There are still underlying mental issues. Edited December 27, 2018 by smackie9 1
darkmoon Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 (edited) 3/4 times a day? He's a keeper! And he might want to be classier than a criminal, happy to leave all that bad stuff 10 years back. I think he was confiding in you when he told you, opening up, so he is serious about you. 3/4 times a day? Enjoy... Edited December 27, 2018 by darkmoon
Author GreenTea937 Posted December 28, 2018 Author Posted December 28, 2018 Did some more sleuthing. Last year his nursing license had a stayed suspension with temporary practice restrictions. Found out on my states nursing board.
Author GreenTea937 Posted December 31, 2018 Author Posted December 31, 2018 Sounds like he is doing everything to make his life right. He's following the 12 steps, and found God. What I see is a man that was a belligerent alcoholic that hit rock bottom, and got himself into trouble. The help he was force to take, finally turned his life around. Ask him what his sobriety birthday date is, and how many years (my mom is a recovered alcoholic so I know these things). One thing I do find concerning is he still blames the ex wife and GF for him getting arrested,...that they purposely "ganged up" on him. I hardly doubt that. They were fearing for their lives, and wanted him to get help. He still is not taking accountability for his actions that let up to that night. My assessment is, he is still working on himself but has not purged his demons. The thing about alcoholics is denial....he's still in denial. Just quitting alcohol alone doesn't cut it. There are still underlying mental issues. Finding God doesnt make a person good. Its actions not beliefs that make a person good. He posts on FB a lot of posts like "only God can judge me". He talks a big game about forgiveness. He doesnt seem to forgive anyone in his life who has wronged him the slightest - exes who cheated, exes who still held a candle for another ex, his ex wife AFTER THEY WERE DIVORCED, went on and got married 3 more times. He is still so angry with her for getting remarried and for moving on. He moved on, why cant she?! He went on FB recently and posed the question, if its ok to ask your bf or gf to block people on FB, or to ask them to shut down social media completely for the sake of the relationship. A lot of his friends and my friends thought this was a perfectly reasonable request. I thought this was controlling and isolating. Am I crazy to think this?
planb1973 Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 I think the fact that you have to ask these questions is because you don't want to admit that you know the answers. 1
Author GreenTea937 Posted December 31, 2018 Author Posted December 31, 2018 I just want to be 100% certain if I turn him away. I dont want to find out later I gave up on a good person.
nodramallama Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 All I know is that his posting so much personal "stuff" on social media would be a complete turnoff to me. He sounds exhausting.
BaileyB Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 I just want to be 100% certain if I turn him away. I am 100% certain that I would turn this guy away. Just curious, what would be the deal breakers that would make you turn his away... because what you do know is obviously not enough for you to consider him a big enough risk to walk away and not look back.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 Don't walk, don't run. Drive. Def a good suggestion! I experienced something similar. The guy had a criminal record and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. The way I see it is if the guy blames everyone, but himself, that is an issue. Instead of him saying yeah I messed up and I'm trying to get better, he talked about how messed up the law was, that other people got away w/it etc etc. I found an article on the incident and he told me all that was untrue. Turns out the article wasn't lying and he was super controlling. Btw the guy also found God as well, that didn't help any...Nor did any of the therapy he was going through. Find someone w/out a criminal record. 1
preraph Posted December 31, 2018 Posted December 31, 2018 If his exes "ganged up on him," he's either violent or a stalker or both. You can easily see his record by getting a background check. Meanwhile, biggest red flag ever is a man who says he has a criminal record because of two exes and takes zero responsibility. Why are you bothering here with this guy? Very bad signs. No, he hasn't changed. Hasn't even taken responsibility. 1
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