Our story, my pain

[gringoloco]

I have decided to try and seek help from a professional. I don't know if it will make that much of a difference, but I hope it will alleviate some of the pain.

 

I can't get used to the indifference from someone I still care for and love so much. How can you cut all contact with a person you've shared so much with just like that. I could die tomorrow and she wouldn't even know it or be affected by it. It is so saddening.

[Maverick01]

 

Sometimes i find myself looking back at the stupid things i did and it makes me really depressed. This is the hard part to live with. I know I could have done better even though the situation was complicated.

 

Everybody of us make mistakes, mate.

It is inevitable. We weren't given a life instruction manual on our birth, so we are forced to learn things the hard way, through experience and mistakes.

I don't think you did any mistake which lead to the end of your relationship.

It was just the circumstances. You did your best for your relationship, but wasn't enough. It is not your fault though.

Many times things in life don't go the way we'd like and are out of our control.

 

Good idea to seek help with a professional.

I had been through similar situations as well, last one, few months ago, has been very tough for me. I was really broken.

Having some sessions with a psychologist helped me out to feel better.

[gringoloco]

Months have passed, but it seems like the wound never heals. I always ask myself what if? what if I had done more, had moved to her country and went against my family and religion?

To this day I haven’t met a human with who I ve had the same connection as with her. And to this day no human apart from my parents have loved me the way she did. She was both a lover and my best friend.

Was she the love of my life? Will I ever stop thinking about our past together?

This is a pain that strikes when you don’t expect it. Haunts you in your dreams. Kicks in when you’re at a party and wonder wtf you’re doing there. You think you’ve moved on but you haven’t.

The way things ended between us is so sad that it tears me apart. Never thought she could erase me from her life like she did and be so resentful towards me.

The years I spent with her were the best years of my life.

 

It’ll probably get better someday, but I feel like this « what if » feeling will never go

[nolanola]

OP, First I think you have to just accept that this is where you are. Surrender to the fact that you are sad and not over this relationship. And that's ok - everyone takes their own time to heal. There's no timeline that you "should" have let it go by. Some people are able to move on quickly from even long relationships and others take months and months to move on from situations that were never even official. So don't beat yourself up.

 

How's it going with the professional help? Every therapist is not right for every person, so don't despair if your first therapist doesn't fit perfectly.

 

I've referenced my previous toxic relationship in this thread and when I think about it now, it seems so far away, because we got together 15 years ago (our last final split was about 8 and a half years ago). So sometimes when I think about it in passing, it doesn't seem so bad, but I can't emphasize enough how long it took me to deal with it. We actually broke up initially in 2007 but remained in contact for nearly another year because he was going through a lot, needed a friend, and I was desperate to try to stay in his life in the hopes that he would want to get back together. Then he started dating someone else in 2008 and for about 6 months I thought I would die I was so upset. I still had to see him all the time and it was SO hard. In 2009 I went into a very deep depression. I would go to work, come home, sit on the couch and cry. I didn't want to do anything. I felt like I was in a pit and would never get out. I don't think I was ever suicidal, but for the first time in my life, I could see how people got there. Finally, I got on anti-depressants and it saved my life. The saddest thing was that I still couldn't let go of him and held onto hope that we would get back together until late 2010. That was the nail in the coffin and it hit me like a wrecking ball. I went NC for good, but it took me over a year before I started getting better.

 

The reason I'm talking about all that is that what you're dealing with is not so unusual - relationships take a really long time to get over. I also thought I would never get over him - BUT I DID. Today, I forget a lot of things about what and when things happened between us. I never thought I would be able to go a day without thinking about him, but today when I think about him, I have no feelings at all.

 

How long has it been for you? I know you were still talking to her around the end of last year. So 5 months? I've been NC for almost 7 months and I'm not over my ex. It's better, but it's a tiny bit by tiny bit. Some days I still feel so bad. Because of my previous experience, I know it takes me a long time to deal with this type of thing. I know I will get better, because I did the last time - it just took longer than I wanted.

 

You will get better. Time is a wonderful thing, but you have to give it time. We can't say "time heals everything" but wonder why we're not better after a month.

[gringoloco]

OP, First I think you have to just accept that this is where you are. Surrender to the fact that you are sad and not over this relationship. And that's ok - everyone takes their own time to heal. ......

 

Thank you for your answer,

 

I know it takes a long time to heal but I wasn’t used to living with this kind of open wound.

In your case you stayed in touch with your ex for a while which wasn’t my case.

I haven’t seen her in person for a year now. We broke up last summer, then i tried to reinitiate contact in december but got rejected in a cold way. I think she is resigned and believes there is no future for us. I know that as of now I can’t bring anything to the table that will massively change the situation, so it may be pointless reopening the wound by trying to contact her. But She was more than my lover, she was my best friend, she brought me many joy and affection and i feel very alone without her in my life

Edited May 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Months have passed, but it seems like the wound never heals. I always ask myself what if? what if I had done more, had moved to her country and went against my family and religion?

 

 

Was she the love of my life? Will I ever stop thinking about our past together?

 

You will get better & your time with her was not the best years of your life. Those are ahead of you.

 

there wasn't anything more you could have done. If you had moved to her country, you'd still be broken up, you would have a lot less money & you would not have your family.

 

You will stop thinking about your past together when you accept that it's over and you have a whole life to live. You need to find new things & new people to get excited about. Moping about what you don't have keeps you tethered to her. Instead, try writing down every day 3 things that are good & positive about your life. Be kind to yourself. Open yourself up to love again.

[Beachead]

Elpandillero,

 

I didn't realize you had a previous thread about this woman. I've now had a chance to read the original post. My post for you is a long one. I apologize I can't really summarize what I want to say in a short one.

 

I'll start by saying you blame yourself for the problems that only she could fix. This is causes regret. Regret can make you stuck for the rest of your life. This is coincidently what prolongs your grief. You seek forgiveness from her when you don't need it from her. All you have to do is see things for what they were, not what you wished they could be. Then, frequently remind yourself of it, to help you.

 

There are a lot of things that come in to play in a breakup. As a dumpee, we often think it's solely our fault..but it isn't. Her environment, her past, the distance, her personal demons and who she naturally is, and plenty more we may not know about, were all factors in her decision. Many of these factors you have no control of.

 

Your ex was depressed and she had a lot of deep rooted issues. You said it yourself. She was always going to be ONLY person who could sort those issues you out at the end of the day. She brought those demons into the relationship while with you and became highly dependant on you to be her emotional dump, her crutch, her therapist. Those demands kept on climbing and it took more and more to keep her happy I'm betting. The reality here is you were never going to be able to satisfy those expectations she placed on you, because at the end of the day as I mentioned, her demons were inside her, unchecked, unsorted and she is the only person who can mend it. When you were unable to meet those expectations, she resented you for it.

 

We all have a tank (Imaginary ofcourse) attached to our heart. It's filled with love. Love which we give it to ourself and love which we give to others. We have to constantly replenish it because it's being used up everyday. We can receive love from others but mainly, it's our responsibility to generate it from taking care of ourself. When that tank is full, that excess just pours to others. When others start to take too much, our tank begins to empty. The emptier it becomes, the more we start to feel resentment, anger, depletion. If it's empty, we become depressed, hopeless, co-dependant. We've got no energy to generate love ourself so we rely on others for it. With that comes unreasonable expectations. They fail, we become disappointed. We hate them. We feel nobody loves us. We sink into a tighter depression. Downward spiral. So, it sounds like her tank was empty and she relied mainly on you to fill hers up. It made her co-dependant. That in turn, burned you out. The Long-distance accelerated your relationship towards the end that was destined for you to.

 

I want to remind you that it's not your YOUR responsibility to make her happy. It's ultimately her responsibility. You can be there for her, you can listen, you can offer some advice or sit with her in silence but beyond that, that's it. In your guilt, you've lost sight that your needs were also important. Sounds to me, she didn't care for that all that much because she was too caught up in her misery.

 

A healthy relationship in my books contains two people who give 100% to the relationship. They show love even when it's hard. They show love when the other person is unable to show as much. That extra-extra is what builds the loyalty, trust and respect in the long run...all of which ends up stabilizing the relationship during rough times. And ofcourse, it's often that one person won't have the capacity to give as much as the other depending on life. Maybe they lost their job. Maybe they've lost people etc. They're going through a hard time and just don't have the emotional or financial capacity to give in that period of time...but it's that 100% effort they did gave when they could, that makes it okay for the other to carry the relationship. The problem is when this goes on for excessively long. It can burn the other out and then problems occur.

 

I believe you were a good boyfriend who loved your girlfriend and gave all you could and what you perceive were failures on your part were really just understandable reactions to what was happening at that time.

 

To reiterate my initial opener, to move forward from this, you have to see it for what it was and release yourself from this regret you feel. The otherwise, it'll consume you and end your future.

 

- Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited May 21, 2019 by Beachead

[gringoloco]

Just seeing your answers now and thank you for that. Amazes me how some people are caring enough to spend time actually writing detailed answers on here. You have really helped me since last december.

 

Even though I have no pictures of her anymore to look at, she still comes haunting me in my dreams at night. I always make the same dream : she is out there enjoying life with someone else. I m not able to see who that person is. Then I wake up feeling very like I have died in my sleep.

 

It’s been a year but it feels like it was yersteday. There were some tough times, but she was the human being I cared the most for and with who I have shared my deepest secrets and anxieties. I could never do that with a friend. I was in a bad place when i met her, and she overwhelmed me with attention and kindness. She literally made my life better and gave me a lot more confidence in myself. I am so saddened by how things evolved later on and by how they ended. I will have to live with this wound forever, even though the pain will subside with time. She was my first love, and no matter how hard i try I won’t be able to completely forget her. I still dread the day I will see a picture of her with someone else

[gringoloco]

yesterday I had to go to the country she lives in for work. Seeing all those places I used to go to with her again made my heart ache a bit.

 

I cut all ties but one, as she still can see what i m posting on my social media, even though I have unfollowed her. The reason I allowed that is because I m obsessed with making her jealous and see that I can find a girl more beautiful and successful than her. I know it’s a totally unhealthy behavior, but I can’t get myself to block her access to my feed.

 

I suppose that is the step I need to accomplish to definitely move on, but for now it’s too difficult to do as it means cutting contact for the rest of our lives on this planet