Struggling with breakup

[123username123]

Hi, this is my first time writing in a forum but I would really like some advice on how to cope with my breakup. We were together 2 years and been broken up for a bit over 4 months, but he's still on my mind every single day. We also work at the same company and I see him pretty much every day.

 

I am so angry at myself for feeling sad and missing a guy who didn't treat me right. There were of course good times, but there were also so many bad moments in the relationship. Long story (not that) short: It was his first relationship (he was 30 at the time) and I pretty much had to handhold him through most of the relationship. He asked me to teach him (I had been in a relationship for 7 years before) and I was happy to because I fell deeply in love.

 

I am no angel myself but I really feel like he treated me badly. He had a hard time saying 'I love you' (he did a couple of times and I accepted it because I thought he was weird emotionally). He said I had taken that for granted in my previous relationship, because that's not something you say in every relationship. He broke up with me once a month because he didn't know what he wanted or felt about me, but always came back. I thought it was because he did in fact love me and wanted to be with me.

 

He said horrible stuff to me, like for example that we have nothing special in our relationship and that we will have the exact same thing with someone else if we just spend the same amount of time together. I bought him a trip as a present once, and when we argued next he said it was nothing special and that it would have been the same with a friend. I always tried to sort out the arguments because I feel life is too short to stay angry for 2 weeks when it can be sorted out easily with a conversation. He made me feel needy and desperate for wanting to see my boyfriend more than twice a week. When I asked if he saw me in his future, he said he doesn't think of the future. When I mentioned moving in together at some point and that a relationship needs to progress, he said I had a small town mentality and that almost every couple hates living together. I especially remember once when I told him he was the most important person to me, and he said I wasn't. I was crying but he just looked at me like I was pathetic. I feel like I always tried to fix everything, and gave even more of myself when something wasn't working for him. At some point he even had the decency to tell me I had to deserve being told 'I love you'.

 

I became extremely insecure in the relationship, and all our arguments were about the same topic. I feel like I was asking for the basic things in a relationship, and all I wanted to know was that he loved me and saw me in his future. I was very unhappy and always feelings angry or upset. But still, I was too in love to do anything about it and thought he just needed more time.

 

In the end when he broke up he told me he had lost all feelings for me (two months before he broke up and said this is forever, and came back a week after), even though he was all over me the day and week before. If he didn't have any feelings for me, why did he come back all those times? He should have left me the first time he "didn't know" how he felt. The breakup was bad and he told me I was being dramatic when I cried.

 

We have spoken a few times by text in the last few months (mostly after I've drunk texted him...) and he always tells me how much he wishes I could move on, how he wants to help me and wants to be friends in the future. Even though he many times said we wouldn't be friends if we weren't attracted to each other, as apparently we had nothing in common and I couldn't have a serious conversation... I do miss him so I was willing to accept this friend situation at first, but then there was an incident on a night out. He was flirting with another colleague right in front of me. He claims he doesn't remember and that he didn't even know I was there (I was sitting right next to them!!). I lost all respect for him that night and this woman is someone we've had issues about in the past (he tried to make me jealous with her when we were together, but now he likes her, very convenient) so the friendship is never going to happen.

 

I just don't understand why I'm feeling so sad and miserable. In my head I understand that his behaviour wasn't good enough and that I deserve better. It has just stuck with me that he thinks he's going to get the exact same thing with someone else - I truly gave everything of myself and always tried to make it as comfortable as possible for him, trying to be patient and understanding that he was a bit different and also not trying to take the things he said personally. I am just so angry, hurt and disappointed. I asked him why he stayed with me for such a long time if he didn't have feelings for me, his reply was 'because I enjoyed a lot with you'. He didn't care about my feelings and how much pain he would cause me. I really wanted to make it work and put in so much effort for him.

 

I don't understand what's happening. I feel like I'm going crazy. I guess I still do put him on a pedestal - I'm dating other people but he is still perfect in my eyes (even after all the things he did and said). When I first met him he wasn't my type at all, but I was going through a breakup with my previous ex and chose the first guy that gave me attention I guess.

 

The worst is that I keep thinking that maybe he isn't so bad and that he didn't mean all the horrible things he said. I still make excuses for his disgusting behaviour. All I want is to forget about him and feel happy with my life again, so any advice would be much appreciated. This ended up being quite long, so thanks for reading!

Edited December 26, 2018 by 123username123

[nolanola]

Rejection is very painful, even when you logically know it's for the best. This person was with you for 2 years (off and on) and then decided you weren't the one for him. That stings. I think it's natural for you to try to rationalize it to make it hurt less. I'm going through a lot of the same emotions and it sucks.

I think you need to go NC with this guy as much as you can. You guys work together, so it makes it somewhat tough, but you are giving him all of the power here. He knows you're still there in the background. Use that as a motivator to get up and keep walking. That way, even if you still think about him and cry about him in the privacy of your own living room, he doesn't know you still think or care about him. The way he treated you was NOT good enough for you.

I suspect, if he's 30 and has never been in a relationship, that he has emotional availability issues. This cycle will continue to play out until he addresses his issues. Whomever he is pursuing, I can't see it being a functioning relationship.

[123username123]

Thanks for your reply! He definitely has emotional issues and claims I'm the only person he cares about outside his family. Of course the rejection hurts but I'm mostly angry. I feel like I was used for 2 years. He knew very well that I was living with my previous ex and what I expected from a relationship. So he just strung me along until he got 'bored'. We discussed the future almost a year ago, and if he knew back then that he didn't see me in it AND that he didn't have feelings for me, what the hell was he doing??

 

I don't want to sound full of myself, but people have always commented on what I'm doing with him and that I'm way out of his league. I guess a part of him knows this too. I almost never saw him around the office when we dated, but now I see him every single day several times a day! I feel like he doesn't want to be with me, but also doesn't want me to move on, if that makes sense at all.

 

I should be grateful that he did me a massive favour, but all I do is think of the good times.... and then I get even angrier and more upset with myself that it's been 4 months and I'm still obsessed with this guy. And yes, definitely NC from now on!

[ExpatInItaly]

This is sad to read.

 

He let you know many times, in many ways, that he did not feel the same way about you that you did about him. You need to stop telling yourself he was perfect in your eyes, because girl, we all know that’s not true. You were clinging onto hope that he would become the perfect guy, but the reality is that he never really was.

 

I think this has less to do with him, and more to do with low self-value. For whatever reason, you don’t believe you can do better than a guy who hardly seems to like you....so you rationalize his crappy behavior and hang on. You tell yourself if only you jump through this hoop and that hoop, maybe then he’ll change and see your worth.

 

Did he use you? Eh, not really. You knew what he was about and you kept going back for more too. I don’t see anywhere that he promised you much in return for your affections. You have more power than you realize, and you need to vote with your feet the next time a guy treats you like an afterthought.

[123username123]

I agree to a certain extent - I always knew I felt more than he did and that was fine. It was a combination of personalities and his earlier life.

 

What I don’t understand thought, and what makes me so angry is. Two months before the final breakup, he came back saying he’d never felt so comfortable with anyone, that he missed me and that he would do what I wanted. So yes, maybe I’m naive and believe the best in people, but I believed him! He said he knew we both wanted to be together and that we should work on it together.

 

Let’s say all the stuff before doesn’t matter. That is what makes me angry because it was over, finished. Never like before. So if he didn’t feel anything for me and didn’t see a future, he should have left me alone. I told him to leave me alone if he didn’t feel anything for me, but he insisted he wanted to be with me

[Giraffe-A]

I’m going through a breakup myself and know how terrible this all feels. I wish I was in your shoes because at least I would know that I had a really good reason for the break up. He sounds awful!! I got treated really well and it just ended from one hour to the next. It’s been a month.

Enough about me....this person did not value you and you should read your post again because it doesn’t when it was good, all these other things he said are terrible. You are lucky this ended. He put your worth in a really low place and with each passing day, you can start regaining your confidence again. Use all those negative thoughts about him to help you move on. Would you refer this guy to your mother, your sister, your bestfriend, or your future daughter? If the answer is hell no, then you know it’s time to find yourself again, and learn from this experience. Before long, as you begin to heal, someone great will make you smile again. And please don’t go back to this person. Ever. You deserve better.

[123username123]

That’s the thing - I don’t understand why I can’t get over him and still see him through my rose-coloured glasses (if that’s what it’s called). A part of me hates him so much, and another part wants him back. Mainly because I’ve never been this in love and don’t think I’ll ever feel the same again.

 

I don’t know how to explain it. The last 4 months have been like a fog. I don’t remember much because I’ve been drinking a lot, but I always think about him. Every day I wake up with a huge weight on my chest and I’m just sad all the time. I don’t know if this is no normal at all but I really can’t enjoy anything anymore

[nolanola]

I understand your conflicting feelings. My most recent ex was the most wonderful person in my eyes until he broke my heart. That was the first time I started to think that maybe he wasn't as wonderful as I thought he was. I sat down and made a list of the things about him that I didn't like (I tried to think of everything, even small things, to things that he said to me that were hurtful) and it was a very uncomfortable feeling to look at those things and realize that I had accepted some behavior from him that wasn't cool at all. Part of it, I think now, was that I wanted to be with the him that I thought he was. I had him on this pedestal as such a wonderful man and when I found out that he was seeing someone new, it really shook what I thought about him. I even sent him a message saying that he wasn't the person I thought he was. But even after all that, I still find myself thinking about things about him and romanticizing him. I was defending him to my Dad today!!

I think it just takes a really long time to get over someone. I am just trying to accept that and to be ok with the fact that I will hurt for a long time. I think I am doing better than I was a month ago, so I am hopeful that as the months go by I will get better and better. My biggest comfort is that he doesn't know that I still think of him and feel sad. I haven't talked to him in almost 2 months and that is a comfort to me that he doesn't get to know how I feel or if I miss him. I personally think it's ok to be petty for a while if that's what helps you to get by.

 

ETA: I wonder if part of why you're having a hard time is related to what you said about people basically saying you're out of his league. Do you think it might sting extra that he broke up with you in that case? I don't mean that to be harsh towards you, but that maybe it stung your ego more than it might have if he was out of your league?

[123username123]

Yes I think it's about my ego as well. However, I don't care what people say - to me he was the most beautiful person in the world. I just can't come to terms with the fact that he lost all his feelings for me when I treated him like a king. I honestly don't think anyone will love him as much as I did/do, and I think he made the biggest mistake of his life. I would have done anything for this guy (I guess everyone feels this way after a breakup).

 

Our relationship was very intense and I just hope I don't have to feel this way for years. I miss him every day and always want to talk to him. He said he wanted us to be friends and do everything we used to do except the romantic part, and part of me wants that, but I also feel that if he didn't want me as a girlfriend, he's not going to get me as a friend either. Or is that childish of me?

[Zahara]

Yes I think it's about my ego as well. However, I don't care what people say - to me he was the most beautiful person in the world. I just can't come to terms with the fact that he lost all his feelings for me when I treated him like a king. I honestly don't think anyone will love him as much as I did/do, and I think he made the biggest mistake of his life. I would have done anything for this guy (I guess everyone feels this way after a breakup).

 

Our relationship was very intense and I just hope I don't have to feel this way for years. I miss him every day and always want to talk to him. He said he wanted us to be friends and do everything we used to do except the romantic part, and part of me wants that, but I also feel that if he didn't want me as a girlfriend, he's not going to get me as a friend either. Or is that childish of me?

 

You’re in an emotional cloud/fog. This is when you romanticize and idealize an ex even when they were an absolute jerk to you. He may be the most beautiful person in the world now but once the cloud/fog lifts and you start to develop emotional and mental clarity and begin detaching emotionally, you’ll realize the absurdity in your idealization of him.

 

And don’t treat someone like a king when they’re not treating you in kind. You did it in hopes that he would value you more. He’s not going to miss it if he never saw your worth. I don’t even think he lost all feelings — he was never really invested in you in the first place if he kept breaking up with you.

 

It’s normal to grasp tightly to the good parts but if you read your initial post, this is not what a loving and healthy relationship between two people should have looked like. It was all very one sided.

 

You can’t be friends with someone you’re emotionally attached to so you need to move on and invest your time in healing. Work on your self-esteem and rebuild a relationship with yourself. That should be your priority.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ask yourself this: are you really going to want to be friends when he starts going out with other women? That day will come, sooner or later. Friends talk about these things, so I caution you against pursuing friendship while you still have deep feelings. Until you’re ready to hear about a new woman he’s interested in, you’re not ready to be friends.

 

You also need to dig deep and figure out why you say you would do anything for someone who does so little for you. It seems you’ve been seeking validation from him for a long time, and you’re still hoping for it. Use this time now to get to the bottom of why you’re using this man as a measuring stick of your self-worth.

[123username123]

It seems you’ve been seeking validation from him for a long time, and you’re still hoping for it. Use this time now to get to the bottom of why you’re using this man as a measuring stick of your self-worth.

 

This is so true. I never felt good enough in the relationship so I tried even harder and gave more of myself. He made me feel stupid while he believed to be so intelligent. He made me feel needy and desperate for wanting to see my boyfriend more than twice a week (this is not normal right? I mean I can see my new dates twice a week if I wanted to )

 

The issue is that I started to believe him and began doubting myself. I don't know why I let him get to me, because I know I'm good enough. I was with my previous ex boyfriend for 7 years and we argued like every couple, but it was a really good relationship and I never questioned myself once. Why do I think so highly about this guy when there really isn't anything, and so bad about myself?...