I need a reply pleeaase, good advice,Please help me

[Christina859090]

A few days ago I found out my boyfriend of almost 3 yrs isn't the guy I thought he was. He was always loving, caring, and the serious type. He told me I was the only girl in his life and that he only said and did certain things for ME, not for any other girl before in his life.

I would always get jealous over stupid things like him checking other girls out and having stupid chat buddies on the internet. But every time he would call me a psycho and assure me that I'm overreacting.

 

Even In the beginning of our relationship he had this stupid girl from France that he had been telling he loved and all these things, I confronted him, and he said it was only an internet thing. He has kicked me out of his car a few times as well and cursed mean things to me when he gets mad.

However, everything is going well and I’m in love with him more than I ever was, and I trusted him completely cuz he has been busy with work. I start to feel instincts of checking on him again and I went on his email. I found an expiration of "adultfriendfinders.com" I visited the site and found nothing but nasty sluts looking for sex in your area. It turns out he has subscribed to this website twice, the dates were while we were together and I was graduating college. I KNOW it’s him, b/c of his name, profile, card#, and so on. He had ordered this for 2 months July, and August.

Nervously my heart thumped 100 beats per second and I began shaking. But there was still more to come......I found out he has a profile which says "Ladies I'm looking for fun, no relationships, I'm interesting, fun and outgoing, and I’m open to anything, "lets PARTY"

 

By this time I’m almost dying and shocked but I still haven’t seen any sign of him talking to anyone of meeting anyone. He has no buddies, and it seems her hasn’t been on the site in a while. However, soon I find the link that would crush me. I clicked and saw all the girls he had been gawking at, and probably masturbating to. I find this one blonde girl "Juicy Babe". He had sent her a message saying he wasn’t to f her and he would do many things to her, and for her to message him back. She also lives in NY, where he WORKS. Unfortunately, he didn’t get a message from her b/c he had no picture. Later I get into a huge fight with him and he calls me almost all the names in the book on top of it! He totally denied he ever subscribed and called me a psycho once again! I hated him so much for days, and still do! It was my birthday the next day, I turned 20 on a sad leaf of being alone for a while and he turned 30 just yesterday.

As things get even more dramatic, I didn’t eat, sleep or breathe right for a whole week. I still feel pain in my heart. I cried myself to sleep each night. The problem is he denied it and blamed his brother, and then FINALLY he admitted he was only playing. That he would never go through with it and meet her or cheat on me. He said he never has. Deep in my heart I feel he hasn’t, but I don’t trust him at all anymore, because just the fact that he said those nasty things to that ugly slut I feel betrayed. Now I feel like all those times I was jealous I was Right! I get suspicious of incidents with him and I don’t feel like I can ever trust him like I used to=(

To make things worse I dig more into his stuff, I typed his name into Google and found another sight he had been on for years which isn’t sex related, but more like chat of ethnic background. I found his past life before me (dates of chats) was partying and many girls. He seems like he loves attention from girls, he had his picture up for many to see. However, the only new things I found were about 6 messages from two girls in France and some other place. He had been chatting just normal with them, and viewing their pix. This one girl a red head, he seemed to like she is a pretty girl and he kept asking her of her tattoo’s and piercing. He was also asking her of her parents, origin, and if she is ever coming to the USA!!!!

 

He got me flowers, candy, and Champaign, and is luring me with gifts and sweet words. He forced himself to my parent’s house on the day of my birthday and he is very persistent! I feel like he is one sneaky man, I don’t know him anymore. I keep telling him lets be friends and to stop calling me and finally today he has stopped. Then why do I feel I’m missing something?????????????????????? I want to get over him so I can go on with my studies and my life. I want my life back, but he was my life. A part of me still wants him, but my head tells me to forget him, he deceived me. There was no excuse for this, I gave him everything he wanted and I was faithful 100%. I used to make way just to see him; I lied to my parents and everyone I know to be with him. He was my first boyfriend and love. I also gave him my virginity I have soo much mixed emotions inside I feel like I will burst.

 

Can someone please give me advice, what should I do?

________________________________________

[Christina859090]

am i unwanted here?

[d'Arthez]

No you are not unwanted. But you must remember that it takes some time before people answer your messages - there are no paid professionals on the site, who help everyone as quickly as possible.

 

Okay, what we have here is severe trust issues, in a relationship with a large age gap. You and him are at totally different points in your life, and that will be the case for quite a while. Whether or not you would continue with the relationship. That makes a relationship, without trust issues, hard enough already.

 

However, given the nature and deceit that was part of the relationship in the past three years, it is impossible to trust him. He encouraged you to deceive your friends and parents, and that is something he should not have done. Especially given your age and the age difference between the two of you. You will always have these doubts. Because he lied. You can't see him when he is "working" in NY. Because he was not forthcoming with the truth, when you found out about the Adultfriendfinder.

 

Trust issues are hard to overcome. And right now you are struggling with yourself. You feel that if you "give up" would have lost 3 years. But that is not true, you only ended a particular chapter of your life. Nothing more. Him being the first boyfriend, also gives him a special place in your heart and thoughts. You simply have no one else to compare him with.

 

I would say, don't forget about the guy, but forget about continuing a relationship with him. You cannot trust him, and that is essential. When you are able to take more distance from this, overlook your relationship and the things you did and he did. And spot the things that were good, and spot the things that were not so great. Try to learn of your mistakes. We are all human, we all make them. There is no shame in admitting that.

 

For the future, try to not make another person the center of your life. It seems very straightforward, but you must not lose track of yourself. Of the things you enjoy, the classes you take, friends, family. And that seems to have happened, so you feel like you are in a deep black hole, isolated from everything. Right now is the time to spend time with friends and family. To get their support for you, now the relationship is over. A 3-year relationship is not overcome in the course of a few weeks.

[quankanne]

as hard as it is, it's time to chalk this up to a learning experience and move on. He's not worthy of your time, and though you may yearn for him in certain ways, know that he's not the one for you.

 

I'll admit, it takes awhile to get past the one you've given your virginity to or your first love, but you do. However, it goes more easily when you realize what a ratbastard you had to put up with, and honey, it sounds like he's one to the nth degree.

 

as conflicted as you feel right now, know there's someone much more worthy of your time and affection than a man who is old enough to know better how to decently treat a woman. You've done your part in trying to be a good girlfriend, but he dropped the ball long ago.

 

hugs,

quank

[Christina859090]

The problem is every one tells me he would never have gone through with meeting a girl and cheating. In my heart I also feel this is true. Just the fact that he messaged and looked at other women hurts me, I feel like I’m not good enough. I 'am afraid there will be other incidence's like this that will make him cheat on me in the future.

Yesterday he was crazy he drove to my school and broke his phone and he keeps doing the utmost to prove he really does love me, and I know he does. I have been really mean and hostile with him lately, and he is hurt about it. One minute I feel like I should put this behind me, then the other I worry if he really did want to meet a girl and cheat??

Thank you for your replies, I felt like no 1 wanted to listen.

[Juliet]

A few days ago I found out my boyfriend of almost 3 yrs isn't the guy I thought he was. He was always loving, caring, and the serious type. He told me I was the only girl in his life and that he only said and did certain things for ME, not for any other girl before in his life.

I would always get jealous over stupid things like him checking other girls out and having stupid chat buddies on the internet. But every time he would call me a psycho and assure me that I'm overreacting.

 

Even In the beginning of our relationship he had this stupid girl from France that he had been telling he loved and all these things, I confronted him, and he said it was only an internet thing. He has kicked me out of his car a few times as well and cursed mean things to me when he gets mad.

However, everything is going well and I’m in love with him more than I ever was, and I trusted him completely cuz he has been busy with work. I start to feel instincts of checking on him again and I went on his email. I found an expiration of "adultfriendfinders.com" I visited the site and found nothing but nasty sluts looking for sex in your area. It turns out he has subscribed to this website twice, the dates were while we were together and I was graduating college. I KNOW it’s him, b/c of his name, profile, card#, and so on. He had ordered this for 2 months July, and August.

Nervously my heart thumped 100 beats per second and I began shaking. But there was still more to come......I found out he has a profile which says "Ladies I'm looking for fun, no relationships, I'm interesting, fun and outgoing, and I’m open to anything, "lets PARTY"

 

By this time I’m almost dying and shocked but I still haven’t seen any sign of him talking to anyone of meeting anyone. He has no buddies, and it seems her hasn’t been on the site in a while. However, soon I find the link that would crush me. I clicked and saw all the girls he had been gawking at, and probably masturbating to. I find this one blonde girl "Juicy Babe". He had sent her a message saying he wasn’t to f her and he would do many things to her, and for her to message him back. She also lives in NY, where he WORKS. Unfortunately, he didn’t get a message from her b/c he had no picture. Later I get into a huge fight with him and he calls me almost all the names in the book on top of it! He totally denied he ever subscribed and called me a psycho once again! I hated him so much for days, and still do! It was my birthday the next day, I turned 20 on a sad leaf of being alone for a while and he turned 30 just yesterday.

As things get even more dramatic, I didn’t eat, sleep or breathe right for a whole week. I still feel pain in my heart. I cried myself to sleep each night. The problem is he denied it and blamed his brother, and then FINALLY he admitted he was only playing. That he would never go through with it and meet her or cheat on me. He said he never has. Deep in my heart I feel he hasn’t, but I don’t trust him at all anymore, because just the fact that he said those nasty things to that ugly slut I feel betrayed. Now I feel like all those times I was jealous I was Right! I get suspicious of incidents with him and I don’t feel like I can ever trust him like I used to=(

To make things worse I dig more into his stuff, I typed his name into Google and found another sight he had been on for years which isn’t sex related, but more like chat of ethnic background. I found his past life before me (dates of chats) was partying and many girls. He seems like he loves attention from girls, he had his picture up for many to see. However, the only new things I found were about 6 messages from two girls in France and some other place. He had been chatting just normal with them, and viewing their pix. This one girl a red head, he seemed to like she is a pretty girl and he kept asking her of her tattoo’s and piercing. He was also asking her of her parents, origin, and if she is ever coming to the USA!!!!

 

He got me flowers, candy, and Champaign, and is luring me with gifts and sweet words. He forced himself to my parent’s house on the day of my birthday and he is very persistent! I feel like he is one sneaky man, I don’t know him anymore. I keep telling him lets be friends and to stop calling me and finally today he has stopped. Then why do I feel I’m missing something?????????????????????? I want to get over him so I can go on with my studies and my life. I want my life back, but he was my life. A part of me still wants him, but my head tells me to forget him, he deceived me. There was no excuse for this, I gave him everything he wanted and I was faithful 100%. I used to make way just to see him; I lied to my parents and everyone I know to be with him. He was my first boyfriend and love. I also gave him my virginity I have soo much mixed emotions inside I feel like I will burst.

 

Can someone please give me advice, what should I do?

________________________________________

OMG Girl! Read you post and pretend it is your best friend's delema not yours. What would you say to your best friend?

 

You are a "victim" today and just remember if you stay and it happens again...Next time it makes you a "vollunteer"

[quankanne]

I feel like I’m not good enough … then I worry if he really did want to meet a girl and cheat??

 

sounds like you're in a classic "trying to be the perfect girlfriend to a man whose approval I want" situation. Been there, done that, and it's taken me nearly 20 years to figure out that I'm not the one who wasn't good enough for the relationship but that the relationship really was never on an even keel.

 

I thought because he was older, and thus more mature, than the guys my age, the relationship wouldn't have the usual "I need to prove myself to you" bent to it. What a fool I was! I wanted something that would be an equal exchange of feelings, blah blah blah, he was thrilled that a girl 17 years his junior was hot for HIM. Mostly, that relationship was about his ego, and I was trying to be the perfect little girlfriend, doing what I could to keep his interest. And that wasn't good enough simply because that's not what our relationship was to him. It was okay to talk about, in depth, the sex he had with other females, it was okay to make me feel bad about myself by making seemingly innocuous remarks, it was okay to openly ogle other females. And stupid me, I put up with it because he was my first boyfriend and I wanted to be the "good" girlfriend.

 

I read your post and think that maybe, just maybe, you've fallen into the same mind-trap and cannot see your way out of it because you feel compelled to do right by someone who is nothing more than an assclown. Were he sincerely interested in forging an honest, giving relationship with you, he would have done his damndest to make it an even one by giving in return what you've given him, in my opinion.

 

 

my guess is that because you're this sweet, younger girlfriend who has pretty much done everything she can to keep his interest, he thinks you're going to put up with his crap. That's what the flowers and champagne and candy are all about: he wants to get the relationship back to where it was and he's willing to "show" you how much you mean to him by spending his money on this kind of stuff.

 

you've already got the answer, from what you've written: put it behind you, and move on. If he cannot give y'alls relationship the respect it deserves, then you really don't need to be stuck with a jackass like that.

[Christina859090]

you have a point juliet, know it sounds bad written.

[Christina859090]

thanks Juliet, i just feel so empty

[darkie-dude]

To trust somebody once that trust has gone, to build it up again is so hard to do. He sounds like that he has an online life with alot of females. Picture this: what if it was someone else? What advice would you give them? And to add, you are not over reacting but concerned and wondering what you mean to him. The gifts are usualy a sign of guilt which kind of makes me think he was doing something he knew you wouldn't like. You seem like a pretty nice person and trying to to the right thing by a person who does the wrong thing by you. With this in mind it would be best to say goodbye and cut the stress out completely.

[Christina859090]

darkie, but he does not have any other females he has actually messaged to meet, he just has been looking and he messaged that 1 girl. He had no buddies, or message archives other than this. He was onlt viewing pictures

[darkie-dude]

It sounds like that he has done wrong by you in my personal opinion. An example to suggest this was all those females he was perving on. First loves are the hardest to get over, the person you first give yourself too. He's just old enough to know better and one shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behaviour.

[Juliet]

Christina859090 I took someone back after i caught them trying to cheat. I ended up becoming obessed with snoopping ..questioning them.. I became someone i did not like and hated myself for it. They said they would do anything to win back my trust... Well when the trust did not come back within 7 months-8months later he started to resent me. My ex got sick and tired of my not trusting him and it lead to volitile fights. I remeinded him over and over it was his fault the trust was lost. Anyway we ended up hating eachother and breaking up anyway... If you do not think you can get the trust back the relationship is doomed either way.

[Christina859090]

juliet,

 

It will take me a while to trust him again, i think it is possible though......

[quankanne]

possible, yes; probable, no. The big question is, do you really want to go through the heartache again with this person? You'll know what to do when you decide the answer.