Bipolar and dating

[Ishy]

Ok this is my first relationship. I am 33 years old (I know it's really unusual).

 

The truth is, at 25... I had a massive psychotic break. Because of the psychosis I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was never hospitalised so it took about 7 years for them to identify that it was actually bipolar all along. I have had one and only one ever psychotic episode in my life and that was 9 years ago almost.

 

All those years I thought it was best to stay single because of my illness. But it took a lot of years to build on my confidence and realise I was responsible enough to take ownership of my illness, I have insight and I can help myself. I take my meds and never tamper with them without professional opinion.

 

Yes, I work too. Although part-time but it's either that or I struggle and keep quitting. I do not receive benefits, and will not until I can help it, it's the last thing I want I value my independence hugely.

 

I thought I was in the right mindset when....

 

I tried online dating. I met A LOT of guys, and it never got past the first date because we were looking for different things. When I found him I had told him upfront. He has not seen me in the state I was 9 years ago so I worry for him. But I have made it clear, if he is not happy to tell me and he is free to leave at any point. I never want him to feel stuck with me as a carer. I do not want a carer.

 

But all this does not stop me still feeling that little guilt that says he could do better. MUCH better. He could be happier with a normal person. I really like him and maybe I am too selfish to let him go because of it. If he doesn't let me go, I am not going to let him go however selfish it sounds.

 

I don't know if I was really in the right mindset to date... but I'm here now. I guess I just want your guys input and outside perspective. Maybe I'm not being rational in seeing things for what they are. Should I leave him ? Should I stay? Will I make his life miserable?

 

He says he is happy, more confident than he was. But is he really?

Edited December 26, 2018 by Ishy

[emeraldgreen]

Don't worry about tomorrow's problems today because what you think about is what you will draw yourself towards. Instead, take good care of your mental health with whatever plan of action you've already worked on with your doctors. The best thing you can do to make this guy's life great is to make your own great. You don't need to decide for him whether or not you are the right one. His actions will show whether he wants to be there or not.

[todreaminblue]

i used to tell my ex that i felt guilty when i was with him...number one.... i felt that there were women who deserved to be loved more than i did.....and two...that he could do better than me and that three... he should leave me i wasn't going to live long anyway.....soon after that i ended up in hospital because i tried to end my life.....of which i had numerous hospital stays a few times over the years he didnt leave then and i survived..

 

 

however years later he eventually did end up finding someone else....and i dont feel i have ever had my heart break quite like my heart shattered when he left me...i went completely numb....because i felt really........quite worthless and obsolete

 

 

 

i dont know what you should do but i know what you shouldnt do .....is not know your worth.........do you realise with mental illness or not how special you are...you are one of a kind...you are you.....put on this earth to have joy happiness...and love.....and as much as get given you also have the pleasure to give.....its all part and parcel of the love thing...

 

another thing you shouldnt do.....is sell yourself short....it doesn't benefit anyone for you not to realise exactly what you are worth and accept that worth as a real thing.....especially you

 

says me...:0)..

 

 

the big tell for you.... is he tells you he is happy and confident since you....do you trust him? if you do ...believe him

and know in your heart of hearts....you are the right one for him....because that is what a perfect for them partner does....makes them feel good...happy ...confident...

 

 

let him make you feel good....just as much ...then he will be perfect for you...best wishes ...and happy christmas ...debxo

Edited December 26, 2018 by todreaminblue

[Ishy]

Thanks guys. It does get me down at times ... I'm thinking about therapy and taking him to support groups as well.

[alphamale]

 

The truth is, at 25... I had a massive psychotic break.

 

I had mine at 24 in Dec of 1989. Total break with reality due to a manic episode. PM me if you have any specific questions about bipolars dating.

[Ishy]

I had mine at 24 in Dec of 1989. Total break with reality due to a manic episode. PM me if you have any specific questions about bipolars dating.

 

Unfortunately I am unable to PM yet. But thank you

[Giraffe-A]

When a guy says he’s happy and is treating you right, believe him. We are all our own worst enemies whether we have what you have or one boob bigger than the other. It’s always something with us ladies. Enjoy your relationship. Be selfish in a productive manner by staying on top of your meds and measures to minimize this. When and if you have an episode, would he know what to do? He may just think you’re worth it, so just relax.

[smackie9]

Thanks guys. It does get me down at times ... I'm thinking about therapy and taking him to support groups as well.

My mom is bi-polar, you need therapy AND medication to maintain it. When you said ownership I would have assumed you were going the therapy and see a doctor regularly. That is the thing about mental illness....ssuming you can handle it just by being aware of your diagnosis. That ain't enough. As you go through life, you will need to adjust medication and find other therapies to control it . Your condition will go through changes as you get older. Just remember to listen to those around you, they will be the ones to see those changes. You may have one episode, but down down play it...it can happen again.

[alphamale]

My mom is bi-polar, you need therapy AND medication to maintain it. When you said ownership I would have assumed you were going the therapy and see a doctor regularly. That is the thing about mental illness....ssuming you can handle it just by being aware of your diagnosis. That ain't enough. As you go through life, you will need to adjust medication and find other therapies to control it . Your condition will go through changes as you get older. Just remember to listen to those around you, they will be the ones to see those changes.

 

spot on advice smackie9

[Lotsgoingon]

You definitely got to get to therapy and to a really creative and super-smart and human psychiatrist.

 

There is really low esteem coming out in thinking you're so bad that it's selfish for another person to love you. That's an esteem issue ... therapy! And keep going ... find a great therapist and keep going.

 

I have mental illness in my family ... and one thing I've learned is that people with various conditions have struggles around the condition ... AND the regular struggles of life, including whether we're worthy enough to be loved by another person.

 

You have to build your life and coping skills at both levels:

 

The level of treating a diagnosed disorder ... including zero denial about the disorder and its ipact

 

&

 

The level of the rest of life ... finding a good job, finding love, learning how to receive love, how to make friends, finding hobbies, finding interests, getting a job ...

 

The cruelty here is that the condition makes it harder to achieve all the other things. But ... therapy can be the offset--to strengthen you and help you build a range of skills.

 

I've dated people with conditions before ...

 

I'll tell you my thinking. I can date someone with a condition--psychiatric or physical--as long as for the most part they can function in the relationship AND ... huge ... that they are doing EVERYTHING possible under the sun AND MORE ... to get excellent quality treatment ...

 

Just so you know ... lots of rich successful people have long-term therapists and/or long-term coaches ... like really good life coaches.

 

You need something like that. And yes, try out support groups. Support groups often have information on how to find the right therapist ... or benefits or tips for coping with the condition ... along with a feeling of mutual support.

 

Good luck. You can do it.

 

In the meantime, you want to remind yourself of the good things you bring to the relationship. He's not dating you for a tax credit. They don't give them to partners ... He's dating you because doing so brings him joy. Connect with that. Sit into that AND ... get to therapy and support groups--yesterday!

Edited December 27, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Highndry]

Let me just say this:

 

I don't know much about bipolar disorder, but the fact that you have acknowledged your issue and are taking it seriously says that you are worthy of dating and having a partner. Of course, it's going to have to be somebody who is understanding.

 

I would much prefer somebody like you over my last gf, who had BPD but blamed everything in her life on somebody else and was doing nothing at all to even address her mental health issue.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Ishy]

My mom is bi-polar, you need therapy AND medication to maintain it. When you said ownership I would have assumed you were going the therapy and see a doctor regularly. That is the thing about mental illness....ssuming you can handle it just by being aware of your diagnosis. That ain't enough. As you go through life, you will need to adjust medication and find other therapies to control it . Your condition will go through changes as you get older. Just remember to listen to those around you, they will be the ones to see those changes. You may have one episode, but down down play it...it can happen again.

 

It is not that easy. In the Uk. I was seeing consultants for many years. Never every 3 weeks but mostly every few months. I was discharged back to my GP each time. They didn't feel my case was serious enough. They have given me meds yes. But I'm left to manage the rest of it on my own. As for therapy. They basically said it's for the people who really need the urgent help

If experience a issue I have to go through my GP to see a ppsychiatrist again. Waiting lists can be up to six months depending on the severity. I could go private but it is not cheap.

 

And hence the support groups. I have been to.a few I've found them really helpful.

Edited December 27, 2018 by Ishy

[Ishy]

When a guy says he’s happy and is treating you right, believe him. We are all our own worst enemies whether we have what you have or one boob bigger than the other. It’s always something with us ladies. Enjoy your relationship. Be selfish in a productive manner by staying on top of your meds and measures to minimize this. When and if you have an episode, would he know what to do? He may just think you’re worth it, so just relax.

 

Yes I know. I had to go private once because the waiting list to see a free psychiatrist was so long. I can't afford that all the time though as I only work part time. So I have to mostly rely on the NHS. I would not want to burden him with all of it I keep on top of my meds. He's very supportive .. and I couldn't ask for more.

[Ishy]

You definitely got to get to therapy and to a really creative and super-smart and human psychiatrist.

 

There is really low esteem coming out in thinking you're so bad that it's selfish for another person to love you. That's an esteem issue ... therapy! And keep going ... find a great therapist and keep going.

 

I have mental illness in my family ... and one thing I've learned is that people with various conditions have struggles around the condition ... AND the regular struggles of life, including whether we're worthy enough to be loved by another person.

 

You have to build your life and coping skills at both levels:

 

The level of treating a diagnosed disorder ... including zero denial about the disorder and its ipact

 

&

 

The level of the rest of life ... finding a good job, finding love, learning how to receive love, how to make friends, finding hobbies, finding interests, getting a job ...

 

The cruelty here is that the condition makes it harder to achieve all the other things. But ... therapy can be the offset--to strengthen you and help you build a range of skills.

 

I've dated people with conditions before ...

 

I'll tell you my thinking. I can date someone with a condition--psychiatric or physical--as long as for the most part they can function in the relationship AND ... huge ... that they are doing EVERYTHING possible under the sun AND MORE ... to get excellent quality treatment ...

 

Just so you know ... lots of rich successful people have long-term therapists and/or long-term coaches ... like really good life coaches.

 

You need something like that. And yes, try out support groups. Support groups often have information on how to find the right therapist ... or benefits or tips for coping with the condition ... along with a feeling of mutual support.

 

Good luck. You can do it.

 

In the meantime, you want to remind yourself of the good things you bring to the relationship. He's not dating you for a tax credit. They don't give them to partners ... He's dating you because doing so brings him joy. Connect with that. Sit into that AND ... get to therapy and support groups--yesterday!

 

Like I said it's not that easy. We don't get to choose our psychiatrist and can only get referred to therapy if they even want to keep me on their list. I keep getting discharged back to the GP. Once I was referred to counselling. She was basically not even a councillor but a volunteer with no knowledge of bipolar.. I stopped going because the advice was not appropriate. She basically wasn't trained.

[Lotsgoingon]

So they don't have psychiatric social workers and counselors and psychologists there without long wait lists?

 

Get to a support group ... and check in with them ... If there is anyway possible to get to a counselor for ongoing work, people in a good support group will have that information.

 

But you need that guidance ... you do ... in fact, have you googled to find a bp online forum much like this forum. There have got to be some good forums out there ... with some discussions of how to get services where you are.

 

The great thing about forums is that there are usually a few really wise people who have figured things out, gotten their condition, under control and can really provide powerful support and wisdom.

[Ishy]

So they don't have psychiatric social workers and counselors and psychologists there without long wait lists?

 

Get to a support group ... and check in with them ... If there is anyway possible to get to a counselor for ongoing work, people in a good support group will have that information.

 

But you need that guidance ... you do ... in fact, have you googled to find a bp online forum much like this forum. There have got to be some good forums out there ... with some discussions of how to get services where you are.

 

The great thing about forums is that there are usually a few really wise people who have figured things out, gotten their condition, under control and can really provide powerful support and wisdom.

 

They do have social workers etc but the waiting lists are long for proper therapy in my area. Up to two years. Depending on severity. They don't want me on their list as my condition isn't serious to them. It's "not serious " though because I fight to manage it on my own and don't let it get out of hand. How long will I be able to keep it up though ? I always go to them with the slightest signs of a problem that's how I keep on top of it.

 

Support groups have been super helpful. We basically all have the same kinda issue though we have to fight for treatment.

 

If you're not harming yourself or others you're health becomes less of a priority here.

[Ishy]

 

But you need that guidance ... you do ... in fact, have you googled to find a bp online forum much like this forum. There have got to be some good forums out there ... with some discussions of how to get services where you are.

 

The great thing about forums is that there are usually a few really wise people who have figured things out, gotten their condition, under control and can really provide powerful support and wisdom.

 

I'm also part of a forum that's really helped me keep me sane. Speaking to people with the same.

[smackie9]

Your system is no different than ours. You have to be referred by a doctor on which therapist you can go to. Well you are not being referred to the right kind if these therapists are sending you back. Do your own research. There are websites that list doctors, surgeons, specialists and therapists. They go into detail what they are all about AND people leave reviews. Spend a some time looking, and then go back to your GP with your recommendations.

 

Like someone mentioned you can try a life coach. Maybe you just need someone to help you organize your goals and the ways to reach them.That will help get some confidence back. It's a process, and their is no magic bullet, but if you are willing to really put an effort and never give up, you will start to see results.

[Ishy]

Your system is no different than ours. You have to be referred by a doctor on which therapist you can go to. Well you are not being referred to the right kind if these therapists are sending you back. Do your own research. There are websites that list doctors, surgeons, specialists and therapists. They go into detail what they are all about AND people leave reviews. Spend a some time looking, and then go back to your GP with your recommendations.

 

Like someone mentioned you can try a life coach. Maybe you just need someone to help you organize your goals and the ways to reach them.That will help get some confidence back. It's a process, and their is no magic bullet, but if you are willing to really put an effort and never give up, you will start to see results.

 

In all honesty it is very very different. The UK mental health system is really badly run. I have hit so many brick walls trying to get help. I tried to get help before being diagnosed. I tried to get therapy. I was a depressed teen. My GP said it's a phase and shall pass. Excuse me? Eventually, when i slipped i managed to get the help. Had I got the help when I needed it would this have escalated to this extent so quickly? Probably could have slowed it down.

 

You have a physical complaint, you can do your research and go to any hospital in the country. You can choose.

 

But for mental health issues is not the same. You don't have the same kind of rights or care .

 

So if I go to my GP, there is only one mental health system in the town. I go to that one like everyone else. I have not got a choice in the matter.

 

Yes I can go private. But I work part-time and don't receive any help financially to be able to spend that £150 appointment to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. Not every few weeks or months.

 

What I am trying to say is, I do my best to help myself. The only way they will help me and take me seriously is if I stop my meds and go into an episode so they can put me into therapy. That's when they ever do something or anything. Not when I am in remission or fine without symptoms. Beleieve me I know the importance of therapy. Doesn't matter if I am not symptomatic. Therapy would really help when I have an episode. Yes I have lack of self-esteem but they will not provide me therapy for this..

 

Sorry for feeling angry about this. I am not angry at you. I have a lot of resentment with the system.

 

My GP currently manages my medications and I go at the slightest sign... even if I am wrong and it's not an upcoming episode I always want to be sure.

 

I can't do more than that with what I have.

[Ishy]

Furthermore, as for seeing results, I see results. I have underlying self-esteem issues but I have come a long way. I have fought really hard to be 9 years without a major episode (psychosis), always been complaint with my meds so i can stay sane and function as normally as I can.... I went privately once as I wasn't happy with the diagnosis... once the diagnosis changed my treatment changed and was much happier... the private consultant told my GP what meds to put me on.... but as i said i can't afford private long term. We don't have the same kind of insurance system here either.