Having Bad Anxiety Over His Party Ways - Am I Too Controlling?

[TravelLady]

Hello everyone! I’m hoping to gain some perspective on something that is making me really anxious. Sorry for the long post but I feel so involved in my situation I don’t know what’s acceptable anymore.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Honestly we have been having some arguments recently because I feel like he takes me for granted and he started partying a lot with his friends recently, having to squeeze me in when there is not a party or night out going on. I have to book him in advance because if I say “want to grab dinner tonight ?” or whatever, he always, always has plans to go to the bar, even if it’s a random Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. I feel like I am making dinner reservations at an exclusive restaurant the way it's difficult to find his free time lately.

 

I’ve spoken to him about this and said if he wanted to be single and free I’d leave him to it and he got upset and reiterated he really cares about me so I said I would give it another chance but he doesn’t seem to be making any effort to consider my feelings.

 

Do we sound young? I’m 29 and he’s 32! I don’t really drink and I’m not much of a night owl. My friends and I are more the type to go for coffee or have 1-2 drinks. He goes out at 10 until 6 or 7am.

 

When I first met him I was bewildered by his party lifestyle. I remember thinking to myself I couldn’t deal with that but then he stopped on his own accord. For the first year of our relationship, we were spending 4-5 days a week together but just recently he’s gone back to his party ways.

 

I was feeling sick of the situation and he had made no mention of doing anything together over Christmas so I decided to go travelling in Asia (my parents are living in another country and though I have friends nearby I could have spent Christmas with, I know I’d feel sad if I felt neglected by him or something when I couldn’t easily get to see my parents - as pathetic as that sounds).

 

I’m currently travelling in Vietnam. He was partying until 7am on Saturday night, Monday night and last night. This seems crazy behaviour to me when you are 32 and in a relationship - Am I being too controlling? I get going out once or twice a week but the way it’s going is that it’s every night this week.

I think it's normal to feel a little bit anxious when your partner goes out. If he was doing it once a week I wouldn't care but he's at the bar more than anywhere.

 

Probably it will be every night this week since he has 10 days off work and he’s just partying the nights away. I have not met any of these party friends and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I should add that I KNOW there is not another woman, he always messages me while out or sends me photos of things.

 

Yesterday was Christmas day and he spoke to me briefly and said he was going for a nap in the middle of the day. I asked if he was going out again and he said he didn’t know yet, probably not, etc.

 

When I woke up in Asia he sent me photos of some party he was at. A colleague of his was having a poker night and had invited a load of women he knew over who also brought their friends. All of these women are single. This felt like the final straw for me. My boyfriend is a popular, social guy with many friends, he had plenty of options for Christmas - to stay with his family or have quiet drinks with his closer friends and I feel like it’s inappropriate he would go to this poker night filled with single women.

 

He told me he was going home at 4am but I saw him on Facebook messenger again at 5am, 6am, 7am. I feel like he lied to stop me worrying. I mentioned to him that I had already said I was uncomfortable with his partying and then he goes and sends me a picture of him at a party with some random women just as I’m starting my day and thousands of miles away. He then called me in front of all of these people and it made it seem as if I was being really crazy and said if I didn't trust him we should end it.

 

The other thing is that I can’t just get on with my trip and forget about it, when he messages me that he’s going out, I end up feeling really sick and anxious and wondering what he’s up to. It’s not just 1-2 drinks or even drinking until 2-3am, it’s being out until the clubs close then going out for breakfast and being out until 7am the next day.

 

I am trying my best to trust, but I think this just takes the p.

 

Am I being too paranoid? Would you feel comfortable with a partner that does this? Do you think the poker night was really inappropriate? I go out to parties maybe once a month but as I say, since my friends and I are getting older and I have him, there's no need for me to be out all hours.

[Andy_K]

Yes, it's too much.

 

and said if I didn't trust him we should end it.

 

Consider the possibility that this is exactly what he wants. He gets his freedom back, and 'guilt-free' because you were the one who ended things.

 

If you're in a relationship with someone who loves you, they don't 'not bother' to mention/plan anything with you for Christmas. The other thing they don't do is put the idea of breaking up into your head.

[lana-banana]

It's insane. I'm 32 and can barely stay awake past 9. (How does this guy succeed at his job??) Not only is this guy not about to change his lifestyle, but he doesn't want to build a life that includes you. As Andy said, any partner who dares you to break up doesn't want a long-term future with you. This is already over, it's just not official yet.

[clia]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Honestly we have been having some arguments recently because I feel like he takes me for granted and he started partying a lot with his friends recently, having to squeeze me in when there is not a party or night out going on. I have to book him in advance because if I say “want to grab dinner tonight ?” or whatever, he always, always has plans to go to the bar, even if it’s a random Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. I feel like I am making dinner reservations at an exclusive restaurant the way it's difficult to find his free time lately.

 

It seems like the bigger issue is that seeing you is not a priority to him. If he were partying a couple of times a week, but making time for you on the other nights, would you feel so anxious? You shouldn't have to make an appointment to see him. He should be initiating some of that and making plans with you.

 

How many nights is this actually happening? I don't get how he can stay out until 4, 5, 6, 7 a.m. multiple nights a week and still be functional at work, but to each his own. (Or does he work a more nontraditional type of job?)

 

When I first met him I was bewildered by his party lifestyle. I remember thinking to myself I couldn’t deal with that but then he stopped on his own accord. For the first year of our relationship, we were spending 4-5 days a week together but just recently he’s gone back to his party ways.

 

So I guess maybe he tried to change when he first met you, but it's just not him or he doesn't want to make the effort anymore. Well, now you know. You two just don't seem compatible. If you don't want to be dealing with this and stressing out about it for the rest of your life, time to just move on and find someone who is more compatible for you.

 

I was feeling sick of the situation and he had made no mention of doing anything together over Christmas

 

I mean, this is the bigger issue here. He seems totally checked out of your relationship. He has little interest in spending time with you any more and would rather be out partying.

 

Probably it will be every night this week since he has 10 days off work and he’s just partying the nights away. I have not met any of these party friends and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I should add that I KNOW there is not another woman, he always messages me while out or sends me photos of things.

 

Why haven't you met his party friends? Who are they?

 

I have less of a problem with him partying when he's off work and on vacation.

 

e then called me in front of all of these people and it made it seem as if I was being really crazy and said if I didn't trust him we should end it.

 

My suggestion would be to stop responding to his text messages and pictures and try to enjoy the rest of your vacation. Ignore him. Honestly, it almost seems like he wants you to end the relationship so he is purposely poking you where he knows it bothers you to be poked. If he knows you don't like his partying, why is he sending you pictures of himself partying and telling you how much partying he's doing? It's a passive aggressive way to make you dump him.

 

So, do him a favor. Dump him.

[elaine567]

Dating is not about finding someone and hanging grimly on, no matter what they may throw at you.

Dating is about sussing out compatibility and filtering out those whose idea of a relationship conflicts with your own.

[ExpatInItaly]

His lifestyle would absolutely not work for me. The frequent all-night partying, especially at his age, would turn me right off.

 

You’ve seen that you are very low on his priority list. You’ve seen that your lifestyles are very incompatible. You’ve seen he doesn’t plan on changing anything. The solution? Find a new boyfriend.

 

You two are not on the same page whatsoever. This guy emotionally detached from you a while ago and seems to hoping that you will do the dirty work by actually ending it. He’s not interested in your relationship anymore.