Fell in love with an engaged man who was in a LDR... now she's here **Updated**

[jenkins95]

I sent him a goodbye text today. It was super long and heartfelt. His response lacked any effort and just sounded basically like, "I'm already over you but sorry you're sad hope you can move on."

 

It's like I'm talking to a completely different man.

 

I don't know how someone can say they love you more than their main women. Drive an hour to see you at least twice a week, text and call you 24/7, and share their life with you, then switch women so easily and act so cold. The angry part of me wants to tell her, maybe I will one day. But I guess that was the reality check I needed. I hate that I'm crying so much over a man who won't even shed a tear for me. I'm so so angry and upset.

 

You don't have to answer but what ended up happening in with your relationship after the other woman?

 

I pray to heal in 2019. Thank you for your words.

 

Hi again WG, I'm so sorry to hear how callously he treated you in your last post. You must be really hurting. But in a way this is good - he is really showing you what he is deep down. He's too selfish to make the ending as bearable as possible. Instead he kicks you again by making out it's no big deal for him. He does not sound like a nice person and you seem lovely. Unquestionably better off without him. As I said, I do feel for his wife. I hope he grows up very quickly or she could be in for a tough time with him.

 

In my case, there were genuine feelings involved with the OW, but I was a classic cake-eater - I wanted the stability and support of my marriage and family AND I wanted all the excitement and extras of the affair. This story plays out over and over again and we see so many examples of it here on LS - I really was a walking set of cliches. When discoveries happened on both sides, I had to choose - I could no longer have both. Like 90% of MM put in that position, I chose my marriage - again, cliche. Even though I had feelings for the OW, I still loved my wife and family and I just had way too much to lose. The OW was upset, but I hope that it was ended with kindness, compassion and leaving her in no doubt that I genuinely cared about her - that was what I attempted and I was being honest. I hope that this helped her recover quickly and that she is now happy.

 

Either way, I was a complete POS to ever get in that situation and to put myself in a position that was guaranteed to hurt people. I am a changed person now and have learned so much as I have reflected and worked on myself in the years since. My marriage was badly damaged, but we have worked hard to build a new one which in many ways is better than before - certainly a lot more communication, putting each other first, openly showing love and less taking each other for granted. The stain of the affair will never fully go away of course, but it continues to fade.. Myife has been absolutely amazing and I am so lucky to bit have been thrown out.

 

You asked:

I don't know how someone can say they love you more than their main women. Drive an hour to see you at least twice a week, text and call you 24/7, and share their life with you, then switch women so easily and act so cold

 

Sadly, the answer to this often lies about three feet below the brain somewhere between the thighs. I'm sorry to be so crude, but the lure of sex may have been a leading factor in his behaviour.

 

He may well have had genuine feelings for you but was just too proud/cruel to admit it to you and his final response may have been a final FU that, on reflection, if he has any decency, he may well end up regretting. Either way, he has behaved despicably and you deserve 1000 times better... and you will find it. Wishing you all the very best. Keep posting.

Edited January 2, 2019 by jenkins95

[wiltingrose]

Hi again WG, I'm so sorry to hear how callously he treated you in your last post. You must be really hurting. But in a way this is good - he is really showing you what he is deep down. He's too selfish to make the ending as bearable as possible. Instead he kicks you again by making out it's no big deal for him. He does not sound like a nice person and you seem lovely. Unquestionably better off without him. As I said, I do feel for his wife. I hope he grows up very quickly or she could be in for a tough time with him.

 

In my case, there were genuine feelings involved with the OW, but I was a classic cake-eater - I wanted the stability and support of my marriage and family AND I wanted all the excitement and extras of the affair. This story plays out over and over again and we see so many examples of it here on LS - I really was a walking set of cliches. When discoveries happened on both sides, I had to choose - I could no longer have both. Like 90% of MM put in that position, I chose my marriage - again, cliche. Even though I had feelings for the OW, I still loved my wife and family and I just had way too much to lose. The OW was upset, but I hope that it was ended with kindness, compassion and leaving her in no doubt that I genuinely cared about her - that was what I attempted and I was being honest. I hope that this helped her recover quickly and that she is now happy.

 

Either way, I was a complete POS to ever get in that situation and to put myself in a position that was guaranteed to hurt people. I am a changed person now and have learned so much as I have reflected and worked on myself in the years since. My marriage was badly damaged, but we have worked hard to build a new one which in many ways is better than before - certainly a lot more communication, putting each other first, openly showing love and less taking each other for granted. The stain of the affair will never fully go away of course, but it continues to fade.. Myife has been absolutely amazing and I am so lucky to bit have been thrown out.

 

You asked:

I don't know how someone can say they love you more than their main women. Drive an hour to see you at least twice a week, text and call you 24/7, and share their life with you, then switch women so easily and act so cold

 

Sadly, the answer to this often lies about three feet below the brain somewhere between the thighs. I'm sorry to be so crude, but the lure of sex may have been a leading factor in his behaviour.

 

He may well have had genuine feelings for you but was just too proud/cruel to admit it to you and his final response may have been a final FU that, on reflection, if he has any decency, he may well end up regretting. Either way, he has behaved despicably and you deserve 1000 times better... and you will find it. Wishing you all the very best. Keep posting.

 

 

Thank you. I am hurting unbelievably so. I do feel bad for the fiancee. She gave up her entire life to live here. Their country is so beautiful and the weather's warm, while here the winter's dreadful and honestly they're living in a boring town. Her English isn't great, his family doesn't like her, and her future is just working in a nail salon and living off him. He travels for his job all the time so it must be boring to sit in his parents home when he'll be gone. It must not be as magical as she imagined.

 

I respect you so much for telling your wife. I understand why so many men are afraid to do it, I do. Yet I feel as if living with that knowledge and pretending like it never happened could damage the relationship even more so. Thank you for sharing your story. It's good to see the perspective of a MM. I sure as hell hope my man's decision to lie blows up in his face.

 

and you're right while we had a deep emotional bond, I am sure sex was part of it. We had AMAZING sexual chemistry. He told me he was never sexually satisfied in his relationship, as he has a very high sex drive and she has slim to none. He told me I was the only woman he felt comfortable walking around naked, not even his own wife. I wonder if he will cheat again...

[stillafool]

Yes this guy is a piece of work alright. It's clear he's never loved anyone but himself.

[Starswillshine]

I'm sorry you are here and hurting. I'm sorry you have given this man parts of you that you will never take back. Hugs! Head up! You can get through this, I promise.

 

Forget what this man said. It was words. They are easy to say. We project ourselves onto others and believe because we would never say something like that without meaning, then it means they wouldn't either. The man is a liar. He married another woman and told her all the same things. And he was lying to her. Let it sink in for a moment.

 

I am extremely sorry for your pain.

[wiltingrose]

I have told my story on here before. To summarize, I was basically in a deep relationship for almost 2 years with a married man who was in a long distance relationship with a woman from his home country (Vietnam). He slept over all the time, texted day and night, traveled, went on dates, etc. I lost my virginity to him as well. He told me he loved me more than her and he had loved me more than anyone he's ever met. He told me he'd text me when she came to America to make sure I was okay and never leave me on read. However when she came he did the opposite. He completely dropped my existence, told me to get better on my own, stopped texting me, then started posting about his love for her. He was my first love and this whole situation has destroyed me.

 

She knows absolutely nothing and he told me he never will tell. During our relationship he would mention this girl he was having sex with before me and how she was an absolute psycho and obsessed with him. So naturally I contacted her and we had lunch together. Her story was pretty similar to mine, although they did not have nearly as deep as mine he lied to her about his wife as well. He told her that it was not a real relationship, but a business deal. That the wife's parents were paying him to marry her to get her a better life. Obvious a lie as he payed for the entire thing.

 

While I sobbed for this man I am now most just angry at him. He's cheated on this woman before and after their marriage. She gave up her whole life to be here. She has no friends here, her English isn't great, and all she does is work at his mom's nail salon. All for a man who told me he didn't love her.

 

It seems despite his negative actions, this man always gets his way. He just keeps hurting people without a hint of remorse. And I'm sure he's telling his wife I am a psychopath just how he told me his former partner was. I want to tell her. I have videos, photos, texts. I have all the proof. I hate living knowing this man always gets his way. Maybe I want revenge, and that's bad to say, but I HATE living keeping this in secret.

 

Here's what's holding me back:

 

1.) I don't know how to do this. Even though she has no idea the existence of any of my friends she has them all blocked on Facebook (he probably did that) I could message her, but it'll hurt her. But I'm sure he's going to cheat again.

 

2.) The woman I got lunch with brought up some disturbing facts I knew about him but I seemed to overlook. He is really in to those disturbing live leak/ people getting murdered videos. He'd also talk about how he'd get revenge on someone. If they did something wrong he would not do it immediately, but wait until that person has gotten married and has kids. Finally he told me about a time a kid made fun of his mother so he destroyed their house and almost poured boiling water on him. There's other things too besides this.

 

So yeah, there's something not right about him. But he played such a fairytale boyfriend I still loved him. If I tell I'll feel better, and I don't have to live with this weight inside me. but then if I do will I have to potentially worry about my own safety? I just don't know. I don't know what to do. Everyone will probably just say 'let it go' but I just can't. What should I do?

[amaysngrace]

If you have no way of contacting her how are suppose to tell her?

[wiltingrose]

If you have no way of contacting her how are suppose to tell her?

 

Oh I can through Facebook Messenger.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

And I'm sure he's telling his wife I am a psychopath just how he told me his former partner was.

 

Does she already know about you?

[wiltingrose]

She knew I was his friend, and that I hung out with him a lot. I have her blocked on Facebook currently which she apparently questioned him on.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She knew I was his friend, and that I hung out with him a lot. I have her blocked on Facebook currently which she apparently questioned him on.

 

Why did you block her?

[anika99]

You didn't care about his wife when you were involved with him. You knew all along that she was giving up her whole life to be with him and you were okay with that so long as you were getting what you wanted. Now you want to use his wife and hurt her so you can get revenge.

 

Should you tell? I'm torn because on the one hand I do think his wife has a right to know however it's always a bit creepy when the affair partner is the one to tell, because it usually comes from a cruel place of hurting an innocent person just for the sake of getting even with the married cheater. Also I don't think you will feel better after telling. You will either be ignored which will just infuriate you more or he and his wife will unite against you.

[darkbloom]

I don’t think you should tell his wife. You want to use it as revenge to make yourself feel better and I promise it won’t.

[Wallysbears]

You didn't care about his wife when you were involved with him. You knew all along that she was giving up her whole life to be with him and you were okay with that so long as you were getting what you wanted. Now you want to use his wife and hurt her so you can get revenge.

 

 

You are only telling her to try to hurt him/her.

 

So my answer is no.

[wiltingrose]

Why did you block her?

 

She posts a lot about their relationship on social media. I did not want to see it, and I knew if I block her it'll prevent me from looking and getting upset.

[d0nnivain]

She won't believe you anyway & he'll tell her some gaslighting BS that you are a crazy person.

 

Just cut both of them out of your life.

 

In the future when a married man tells you that he loves you more then he loves his wife, try to understand that he's lying.

[amaysngrace]

I have to agree with anika. You didn’t give a crap about her feelings before and now you’re willing to hurt her so that you can feel better about doing what you’ve done.

 

Yes she has a right to know but you’re the very last person who should be doing the telling.

[wiltingrose]

I have to agree with anika. You didn’t give a crap about her feelings before and now you’re willing to hurt her so that you can feel better about doing what you’ve done.

 

Yes she has a right to know but you’re the very last person who should be doing the telling.

 

I didn't care. I'll admit that throughout the whole relationship he's portrayed her as someone I would not like. And I understand that is unfair of me to have an opinion like that of her because I don't actually know her. I don't want to hurt her, I want to hurt him. And I think she should have a right to find out. I told him before I feel like he might cheat again after me and he didn't deny it, he just went silent . I don't know what to do.

[d0nnivain]

No matter what you do, it won't change HIS behavior.

 

The best thing you can do is go NC & put all this in your rear view mirror. Living well is the best revenge.

[Orokotikki]

Whatever your motives are don't matter.

She probably won't believe you.

She deserves to know. You are the only who would could tell her, as her remorseless husband will not.

You needn't convince her, just tell her and at least then you tried.

Just do it and let it go.

 

Be safe. Carry a sidearm (if you are comfortable doing so and can legally), mace, and VAR in case the dirtbag threatens you. If he does get an OFP or HRO. Don't be alone places he may show up.

[Orokotikki]

If the above post of mine seems dauntingly over cautious, then just let it go and get IC to help let it go (prob a good idea anyway).

[PRW]

How many kids or other people's lives will you ruin by telling her?

 

 

If she simply catches him on her own then the destroyed lives are just on him alone. If she find out because of you, then it is on you as well as him.

[wiltingrose]

How many kids or other people's lives will you ruin by telling her?

 

 

If she simply catches him on her own then the destroyed lives are just on him alone. If she find out because of you, then it is on you as well as him.

 

We are all 22 years old. She will be 23 soon. No children are involved.

[aliveagain]

If you feel you are in danger just run. Block all of them and work on yourself, get independent counselling and establish boundaries for yourself. Anyone that is into snuff movies is seriously troubled. Were you yourself cheating on a partner to be with him?

[amaysngrace]

I don't want to hurt her, I want to hurt him.

 

That in itself is unhealthy. You shouldn’t want other people to hurt.

 

The truth is you know she’ll be hurt by you telling her and she’ll probably be hurt a lot more than he will.

 

What should you do? Find closure any way you can that leaves her completely out of it.

[Orokotikki]

How many kids or other people's lives will you ruin by telling her?

 

 

If she simply catches him on her own then the destroyed lives are just on him alone. If she find out because of you, then it is on you as well as him.

 

The truth is just a description of the reality.

 

The reality is the ruinous things are the cheating and lying.

Which is already on both of them really.