Fell in love with an engaged man who was in a LDR... now she's here **Updated**

[wiltingrose]

Hello,

 

First of all I am so thankful this forum exists to see that I am not alone. Secondly, I am sorry for the other members here for experiencing similar situations. I would never this is upon ANYONE, because honestly, being the 'other woman' is such a horrible heart breaking feeling.

 

To make long story short, almost two years ago I met a man who was in a long distance relationship with a woman. At first I did not know, because he lied to me about the situation, but by the time I found out it was too late. I caught feelings. He was my first. 5 months after we met he left the country for two months to get engaged to her. In that time my feed was flooded with posts about his undying love to her and all that other ****. He ignored me throughout this process. It killed me.

 

When he came back we broke it off for a few months until we eventually got back together. That's when the feelings really grew. I fell SO in love with him and he fell in love with me. I was so happy, but of course being the other woman I was also miserable. He would remind me to keep this a secret and tell no one, I'd have to look over and see him text her, call her, post about her. Once he truly fell for me he greatly reduced doing all those things around me, but it still sucked.

 

So here is where the problem is. Originally she was supposed to move to the country in the summer. Then in turned into a month and a half. Then he revealed to me she was coming in two weeks. It destroyed me. Two weeks??? He cried when her VISA was approved and told me he loved me more than her. He would say time and time again how much he regretted getting engaged to her and how he wished he could date me instead. He pleaded with me not to leave him.

 

She came last week. Permanently. I blocked him on everything, which he cried and begged me not to, but I had to. Now he is being cold. Posting him kissing her, giving her flowers, etc. I am trying no contact but he reached out to me about 5 days ago. I responded and he read it but never answered.

 

He didn't even wish me a Merry Christmas today...

 

I feel like I am drowning in this ocean of hopelessness. Was it really that easy to cut me out of his life? After all we went through? And no one even knows (except my close friends who I confessed to). Everyone's cheering him on on social media and it fuels me with such hatred knowing NONE of them know the truth. Also, I am positive he's telling her lies about me to save his sorry ass which makes me want to expose him but I know I can't do that.

 

 

I don't know what I can do.

 

If someone could just talk to me or share experiences I would greatly appreciate it. I wish I could get over him but I just... can't. Please help me.

 

Thank you.

[abandoned2018]

I am sorry about the pain you are going through... if he calls you, please tell him to break it off with her if he loves you... please tell him to prove that love through actions... otherwise you will get your heart broken like me....

 

 

 

 

he isn't even married. so why can't he leave her if he loves you?

 

 

 

please don't unblock him. i know it's hard ... when we are in love with someone we don't see reason... i am on the same boat... but if you can, please try to keep him blocked... i am in a very sad situation myself so i am useless at giving advice atm, but i am sure others will help you..

[stillafool]

This is a bit ridiculous to me. If he was single and you two are both in love why is he engaged to another woman? If he is truly in love with you why isn't he engaged to you?

[elaine567]

This is a bit ridiculous to me. If he was single and you two are both in love why is he engaged to another woman? If he is truly in love with you why isn't he engaged to you?

 

 

I could be wrong, but I am guessing family/culture/religion...

[shoe.box]

This sounds heartbreaking, but I agree with one of the posters above - they're not married, it would be relatively easy (in comparison) to leave her for you now, not so much after the wedding. For whatever reason, he chose her, even if he loves you. Keep him blocked, keep in no contact, even if he reaches out first (I know that's hard).

 

Words are just words, and his actions scream pretty loudly. Hang in there.

[Giraffe-A]

This is the worst possible position to be stuck in and I’m sorry you are going through this.

The minute that you saw that he got engaged, you should have blocked him from your life.

He is lying to both of you and he is honestly not a good person at all. Do you not feel bad for his wife at all? Do you realize that if by some miracle you were in her place, don’t you feel you would get cheated on as well?

You don’t deserve this. Erase this person from your life. Better yet, record him and tell him to get lost. This guy is stopping you from finding someone who will love you and show you to the world.

[anika99]

Actually the minute you found out that he'd been lying to for 5 months was when you should have walked away, for good. Breakups and make ups just make you weaker to staying in this toxic situation.

 

Given how much this guy lies he would not make a good partner even if there wasn't a fiance in the picture. Get a pen and paper and write down all the lies he has told you, even the lies by omission. Then write down all the times he has hurt you. All the big hurts, like the time he left you to get engaged, and all the smaller hurts, like the times you had to endure him texting his fiancé when you were right beside him. Everytime you miss him read what you have written over and over again until your brain learns that this is not a good guy. He is selfish and dishonest.

[elaine567]

He used you as a placeholder for companionship, affection and sex whilst she was not available.

Now she is here, he doesn't need you any more, though saying that he may try to pick you up again as his OW once the dust has settled...

 

You mistook the love of a man who was cheating on his gf, for the love of a completely single man. You thought as he told you he loved you, he would choose you.

Wrong!

You were merely #2, and the sad thing is that if he left her tomorrow he may still not choose you, you may still end up as #2 to some new woman.

 

The time to leave was the minute you found out about his gf.

[wiltingrose]

I could be wrong, but I am guessing family/culture/religion...

 

We are different races (I am White he is Asian) however, that did not pose as an issue since his mother remarried to a White man. Actually his family does not like his fiance at all. (I am close with the sister)

 

He truly fell in love with me after the engagement, so at that point he thought it was too late to break it off with her as he thought it would make him look bad.

[wiltingrose]

This is the worst possible position to be stuck in and I’m sorry you are going through this.

The minute that you saw that he got engaged, you should have blocked him from your life.

He is lying to both of you and he is honestly not a good person at all. Do you not feel bad for his wife at all? Do you realize that if by some miracle you were in her place, don’t you feel you would get cheated on as well?

You don’t deserve this. Erase this person from your life. Better yet, record him and tell him to get lost. This guy is stopping you from finding someone who will love you and show you to the world.

 

 

I do feel bad for her somewhat. However, I don't like her and I never will. I've seen him lose so much money because of this engagement since he is paying for the majority of it and have to work nonstop. I have heard stories about the type of person she is from his sister as well.

 

Even if her life is a lie I suppose I mostly just envy her blissful ignorance.

I highly doubt he will ever tell her.

[wiltingrose]

I am sorry about the pain you are going through... if he calls you, please tell him to break it off with her if he loves you... please tell him to prove that love through actions... otherwise you will get your heart broken like me....

 

 

 

 

he isn't even married. so why can't he leave her if he loves you?

 

 

 

please don't unblock him. i know it's hard ... when we are in love with someone we don't see reason... i am on the same boat... but if you can, please try to keep him blocked... i am in a very sad situation myself so i am useless at giving advice atm, but i am sure others will help you..

 

Thank you <3

 

If you need someone to share your sorrows and talk to my inbox is open

[wiltingrose]

Actually the minute you found out that he'd been lying to for 5 months was when you should have walked away, for good. Breakups and make ups just make you weaker to staying in this toxic situation.

 

Given how much this guy lies he would not make a good partner even if there wasn't a fiance in the picture. Get a pen and paper and write down all the lies he has told you, even the lies by omission. Then write down all the times he has hurt you. All the big hurts, like the time he left you to get engaged, and all the smaller hurts, like the times you had to endure him texting his fiancé when you were right beside him. Everytime you miss him read what you have written over and over again until your brain learns that this is not a good guy. He is selfish and dishonest.

 

You're right I need to do this. He was very controlling and would get super weird if I hung out with other guys (even though he's the one engaged)

 

I keep reminding myself the good things about him that I'll never find in another man. I need to try to focus on the faults. Thank you.

[elaine567]

We are different races (I am White he is Asian) however, that did not pose as an issue since his mother remarried to a White man. Actually his family does not like his fiance at all. (I am close with the sister)

 

He truly fell in love with me after the engagement, so at that point he thought it was too late to break it off with her as he thought it would make him look bad.

So is his fiancée Asian too?

[elaine567]

I need to try to focus on the faults.

That is the key to getting over any relationship.

If you concentrate on the good times it is easy to wallow in self pity.

Get stuck into the bad times and the faults and you will soon wonder why you put up with it all so long...

[preraph]

Well, in weighing how much you love him, please take into consideration 1) how he lied and concealed this and 2) how fickle he is. Keep him blocked.

[wiltingrose]

So is his fiancée Asian too?

 

Yes they're both from the same country. She is in America living with him now.

[elaine567]

Yes they're both from the same country. She is in America living with him now.

 

 

He is doing the "right" thing, he is marrying a woman from "the old country", you never had any chance here.

Edited December 27, 2018 by elaine567
spelling

[pa2k]

I am so sorry you are going through this, Wiltingrose.

 

I too am a white girl, married to an Asian man,And have exclusively been involved with Asian guys....I have a few things that were a common thread among all my partners and friends.

 

While you can't paint a whole group of people as monolithic and people are, of course individuals with their own hearts and minds, there were some things that may or may not apply to your guy.

 

1) White girls are for play, Asian girls are for marriage and family. My DH's parents always told him this he could casually date white girls, but nothing serious. My FIL dated white girls as a teen too, but when it was time to settle down, he went back to HK to find a wife. Several of my guy friends went back to China to find wives, despite coming over as kids or teens and dating locally.

 

2) Having a mistress is super common and while the wives do not want this and freak out if they find out, soo many guys do this. My FIL had side chicks, as does my friend (and his dad did as well) and DH's auntie told me when she married (40 yrs ago), her mom and grandma sat her down and told her to be prepared if this happens and let it go, especially if he makes great money. I couldn't believe it, but her dad also had several mistresses and 2 secret daughters.

 

3) Although your guy's mom remarried a white guy, expectations for sons and daughters are different. My DH was forbidden to date or marry a white girl (he did anyway, and they practically disowned him as a son and now treats him like a distant relative) his younger sister was free to date any guy she wanted and they accepted it. They had higher expectations of their son and wanted him to go back to HK to find a wife. The same auntie from above, her grandfather left her grandma for a white woman, but insisted his son must go to China to find a wife, which he dutifully did.

 

 

4) Their dislike for his fiancee doesn't really mean anything, it's super common for parents to dislike or be critical of their son's wives. It unfortunately doesn't mean they would like you better or will encourage him to dump her for you. Common complaints are "she spends too much money, she's too fat/skinny, she is lazy, she wants my son to do all the work" Also, if he is traditional, not sure what Asian he is, but in Traditional Chinese culture, the groom and/or his family pays for the wedding.

 

5) Chances are, he won't leave you, but he won't leave her either and you will have to swallow your tears while he marries and has children and a public life with this woman. You will still get stolen moments and empty words, but are you willing to sink your youth and years into this? I think you deserve better.

 

This is just the ugly parts of relationships/infidelity where culture is involved. Not all Asian guys are like this, but as a known cheater, your guy may well be like this. There are lots of guys out there, and plenty of sweet and faithful Asian guys out there, as with any other group of men.

 

I truly hope you find peace and heal from your pain

[wiltingrose]

I am so sorry you are going through this, Wiltingrose.

 

I too am a white girl, married to an Asian man,And have exclusively been involved with Asian guys....I have a few things that were a common thread among all my partners and friends.

 

While you can't paint a whole group of people as monolithic and people are, of course individuals with their own hearts and minds, there were some things that may or may not apply to your guy.

 

1) White girls are for play, Asian girls are for marriage and family. My DH's parents always told him this he could casually date white girls, but nothing serious. My FIL dated white girls as a teen too, but when it was time to settle down, he went back to HK to find a wife. Several of my guy friends went back to China to find wives, despite coming over as kids or teens and dating locally.

 

2) Having a mistress is super common and while the wives do not want this and freak out if they find out, soo many guys do this. My FIL had side chicks, as does my friend (and his dad did as well) and DH's auntie told me when she married (40 yrs ago), her mom and grandma sat her down and told her to be prepared if this happens and let it go, especially if he makes great money. I couldn't believe it, but her dad also had several mistresses and 2 secret daughters.

 

3) Although your guy's mom remarried a white guy, expectations for sons and daughters are different. My DH was forbidden to date or marry a white girl (he did anyway, and they practically disowned him as a son and now treats him like a distant relative) his younger sister was free to date any guy she wanted and they accepted it. They had higher expectations of their son and wanted him to go back to HK to find a wife. The same auntie from above, her grandfather left her grandma for a white woman, but insisted his son must go to China to find a wife, which he dutifully did.

 

 

4) Their dislike for his fiancee doesn't really mean anything, it's super common for parents to dislike or be critical of their son's wives. It unfortunately doesn't mean they would like you better or will encourage him to dump her for you. Common complaints are "she spends too much money, she's too fat/skinny, she is lazy, she wants my son to do all the work" Also, if he is traditional, not sure what Asian he is, but in Traditional Chinese culture, the groom and/or his family pays for the wedding.

 

5) Chances are, he won't leave you, but he won't leave her either and you will have to swallow your tears while he marries and has children and a public life with this woman. You will still get stolen moments and empty words, but are you willing to sink your youth and years into this? I think you deserve better.

 

This is just the ugly parts of relationships/infidelity where culture is involved. Not all Asian guys are like this, but as a known cheater, your guy may well be like this. There are lots of guys out there, and plenty of sweet and faithful Asian guys out there, as with any other group of men.

 

I truly hope you find peace and heal from your pain

 

 

Hello. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my message.

 

I was hestiant specifying where he is from due to paranoia but now I highly doubt he or anyone he knows will look at this forum.

 

He is Vietnamese, but I honestly think culture was not the issue here. He told me multiple times before how proud his family over in Vietnam would be if he had been with an American girl. He also wanted to have a mixed child (not suggesting we would have had children anytime soon we are both only in our early 20s)

 

When he got engaged he basically got married. It's wasn't just a prospal, seen by the photos they had a wedding. So considering that event and the whole process of him coming over here I think to him it was just too late to call it off.

 

I know all Asian men are not like this. As much pain as this man has brought me, he truly gave me the world and beyond and has done more for me than anyone. He did love me, I know for a fact I was not just some white girl play thing, and I know he loved me more than her. There are things about him he's confessed to me but has never told her, and I know for a fact that is the truth. I am aware he will never chose me, I've accepted that.

 

It hurts beyond comprehension and every night is restless thinking about how he is holding her while I sleep alone. A part of me wonders if a marriage like that will even last.

[pa2k]

I am sorry you are hurting, and I hope you find peace.

 

If the issue is not cultural, then the problem is him, which makes him worse IMO. He could have been honest with you and tell you he had a serious GF back home, instead he took your virginity and lied by omission. He could have broken things off with her once he got serious with you, if his family prefers him to be with an American girl, then there would have been no pressure on him to break it off with the girl and disappear. He is living in the US now, so it's not like he would face her. Instead he lied and went home and married her. If it were cultural, his actions would have been more understandable, as family and societal pressure can be too much for someone. If it is not the case, then it's all his fault for his, and your situation. I wouldn't believe all he says about his family or whatever though, because he isn't exactly truthful. I had a guy friend who was married (incidentally he was Vietnamese and the wife was also Asian) and said he was in an open marriage, and his wife was cool, but it was more of a "don't ask don't tell" situation..BS! I can guarantee that's not the case and she knows nothing about it.

 

In my experience, I find its more painful to think about how their marriage won't last and how she is not right for him. I thought a lot that way about my attached guy and his GF, but all it did was eat me up inside and make me feel anger and heartbreak, it did not affect them. Thinking about how unhappy he is to be with her they won't last, will just make you upset at why is it like this, and you will feel tortured. Its hard, but try to focus your thoughts elsewhere when this happens. I would avoid looking at pics of them together as well, as it will just hurt you and you deserve better.

 

He told me that I was the one closest to him and that I was his everything, nobody understands him like I do, he confided in me about childhood abuse and how he would be scared of his dad and cried himself to sleep growing up. I wanted to protect him and love him. He also said he wishes he could stand up to his family and he would never ghost me like my previous guy friend....yet he dropped me for 3 months without explanation and then wanted to start up again like nothing happened. He didn't drop his GF, only me. When I asked him about it after, I got some weird non-answer answer, ugh. Never again will I feel the same for him....but it took some time of NC for me to realize that (even if it was him who initiated NC).

 

Are you still seeing him or in contact with him?

 

The only things that lessen the hurt is time, NC and self-compassion.

 

I wish you love, happiness and all the best.

Edited December 29, 2018 by pa2k

[wiltingrose]

I am sorry you are hurting, and I hope you find peace.

 

If the issue is not cultural, then the problem is him, which makes him worse IMO. He could have been honest with you and tell you he had a serious GF back home, instead he took your virginity and lied by omission. He could have broken things off with her once he got serious with you, if his family prefers him to be with an American girl, then there would have been no pressure on him to break it off with the girl and disappear. He is living in the US now, so it's not like he would face her. Instead he lied and went home and married her. If it were cultural, his actions would have been more understandable, as family and societal pressure can be too much for someone. If it is not the case, then it's all his fault for his, and your situation. I wouldn't believe all he says about his family or whatever though, because he isn't exactly truthful. I had a guy friend who was married (incidentally he was Vietnamese and the wife was also Asian) and said he was in an open marriage, and his wife was cool, but it was more of a "don't ask don't tell" situation..BS! I can guarantee that's not the case and she knows nothing about it.

 

In my experience, I find its more painful to think about how their marriage won't last and how she is not right for him. I thought a lot that way about my attached guy and his GF, but all it did was eat me up inside and make me feel anger and heartbreak, it did not affect them. Thinking about how unhappy he is to be with her they won't last, will just make you upset at why is it like this, and you will feel tortured. Its hard, but try to focus your thoughts elsewhere when this happens. I would avoid looking at pics of them together as well, as it will just hurt you and you deserve better.

 

He told me that I was the one closest to him and that I was his everything, nobody understands him like I do, he confided in me about childhood abuse and how he would be scared of his dad and cried himself to sleep growing up. I wanted to protect him and love him. He also said he wishes he could stand up to his family and he would never ghost me like my previous guy friend....yet he dropped me for 3 months without explanation and then wanted to start up again like nothing happened. He didn't drop his GF, only me. When I asked him about it after, I got some weird non-answer answer, ugh. Never again will I feel the same for him....but it took some time of NC for me to realize that (even if it was him who initiated NC).

 

Are you still seeing him or in contact with him?

 

The only things that lessen the hurt is time, NC and self-compassion.

 

I wish you love, happiness and all the best.

 

 

 

Same thing here. I know so much about him that she does not even know- he's told me that before. I was trying to remain no contact, but I cried all night long last night and gave in and texted him. We texted for a while, but he basically told me he's never going to tell her and we have to stop everything or else he'll just stay in love with me.

 

Can I ask how long it took you to recover? I feel like I'm going to vomit 24/7 and all my coworkers noticed my change. I don't want to go back to school because he would sleep over in my dorm all the time and now it's just an empty room full of haunted memories.

 

Did you feel like you'd never find someone like that man ever again?

What helped you best move forward?

[pa2k]

Same thing here. I know so much about him that she does not even know- he's told me that before. I was trying to remain no contact, but I cried all night long last night and gave in and texted him. We texted for a while, but he basically told me he's never going to tell her and we have to stop everything or else he'll just stay in love with me.

 

Can I ask how long it took you to recover? I feel like I'm going to vomit 24/7 and all my coworkers noticed my change. I don't want to go back to school because he would sleep over in my dorm all the time and now it's just an empty room full of haunted memories.

 

Did you feel like you'd never find someone like that man ever again?

What helped you best move forward?

 

I did, actually feel that way. I would never have someone who got me like he did ever again, how he was so special, that we should be together not him and her...but time and distance helped me see things a bit more clearly. He wasn't so special, he was just another guy, whom I put on a pedestal and looked at through rose colored glasses. I realized that I overlooked his flaws and never really saw him for who he was. Just another guy who was cheating and put his own needs before others. He made it seem like he felt bad for doing the selfish things he did, and that made me think he was so kind and sensitive, but really, he was just being selfish and didn't want to face any consequences. For the longest time, I was ignoring his actions and just focusing on his words, but time away made me see his actions, which were not good.

 

 

It took me almost 3 months to get back to me and start focusing on things I needed to do to be happy. I still thought about him everyday, but the hurting noticeably eased after 3 months. Of course, just when I started to feel happy and normal again, he zombied and came back like nothing ever happened. I can't forget him ghosting me though and never will trust him or feel for him the same way I did before, but that is actually a good thing.

 

I've heard others here say after NC, you start to feel a little better after a few weeks, and feel much better after 3 months, and it is true. You can get through this. You deserve to be someone's number one, and in time, you will be.

Edited December 30, 2018 by pa2k

[Mrs._December]

At first I did not know, because he lied to me about the situation, but by the time I found out it was too late. I caught feelings. He was my first. 5 months after we met he left the country for two months to get engaged to her. In that time my feed was flooded with posts about his undying love to her and all that other ****. He ignored me throughout this process. It killed me.

So, you're in agony over someone who looked you right in the face and LIED to you from the second he met you because he wanted to use you while he was waiting to go visit his lady love in some other country.

 

You eventually found out he was conning you - and that's EXACTLY what he was doing. And because you 'caught feelings' for him you chose to completely disrespect yourself and stay with some con artist who lie to you in order to use you. And you might think he wasn't using you, but he was. If he LIED to you and told you he was single so you'd start seeing him - when he KNEW he was setting you up for a fall when you eventually learned the truth - then you need to face the fact that he was using you from Day #1.

 

He didn't 'truly fall in love with you' at all. How can you believe a word out of this liar's mouth? The LYING CON MAN tricked you into dating him and having sex with him while lying to his fiancee and telling her he was being loyal to her. This guy is a complete low life. He's just telling you he loves you so you don't run to his shiny new wife and tell her what a low life con artist he REALLY is.

 

Actually, the best way to 'get over him' is to tell his new wife exactly how low he's willing to sink. The sooner the better, too. I'd call her TODAY and tell her.

[jenkins95]

(((wiltingrose))

 

Happy New Year.

 

I stopped reading the thread after the OP. That tells me all I need to know. He is a complete POS to do that to two women. Walk away and never have anything to do with him again. It hurts now, but you'll recover and see him for the using, selfish, cheating, weak, narcissistic, pathetic individual he is.

 

You have dodged a bullet believe me. I just feel sorry for her that she is committed to him and thinks he's great, while she knows nothing of what he's really like.

 

The reason I say all this with conviction is that I behaved just like him a few years ago to my very great shame. I understand that mindset. It's despicable that he hooked you in before you even knew he was attached - even I wasn't quite that low.

 

Make 2019 a new start, be strong and you will soon get past him. You deserve so much more. Good luck.

[wiltingrose]

(((wiltingrose))

 

Happy New Year.

 

I stopped reading the thread after the OP. That tells me all I need to know. He is a complete POS to do that to two women. Walk away and never have anything to do with him again. It hurts now, but you'll recover and see him for the using, selfish, cheating, weak, narcissistic, pathetic individual he is.

 

You have dodged a bullet believe me. I just feel sorry for her that she is committed to him and thinks he's great, while she knows nothing of what he's really like.

 

The reason I say all this with conviction is that I behaved just like him a few years ago to my very great shame. I understand that mindset. It's despicable that he hooked you in before you even knew he was attached - even I wasn't quite that low.

 

Make 2019 a new start, be strong and you will soon get past him. You deserve so much more. Good luck.

 

 

I sent him a goodbye text today. It was super long and heartfelt. His response lacked any effort and just sounded basically like, "I'm already over you but sorry you're sad hope you can move on."

 

It's like I'm talking to a completely different man.

 

I don't know how someone can say they love you more than their main women. Drive an hour to see you at least twice a week, text and call you 24/7, and share their life with you, then switch women so easily and act so cold. The angry part of me wants to tell her, maybe I will one day. But I guess that was the reality check I needed. I hate that I'm crying so much over a man who won't even shed a tear for me. I'm so so angry and upset.

 

You don't have to answer but what ended up happening in with your relationship after the other woman?

 

I pray to heal in 2019. Thank you for your words.