Marina0307 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 My ex and I were together for 5 years. I was 22 when I met him and we were very happy together, he would repeatedly tell me he was saving up for a ring and that he wanted to settle down with me. We talked about engagement and he and I were both from very family orientated cultures so we both wanted to have children. The only technicality was that I am Christianand his family are Muslim but we had discussed how it would work and came to an agreement.. or so I thought. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and my boyfriend is behaving a bit off. Not talking to me as much as usual and typically he is always all over me always telling me how much he loves me and I can gather some,thing is not right. We celebrated our five year anniversary and he was really spoiling me that week and being so lovely but I didn’t think it meant anything. Then about a week ago I was in a bad place and needed his support and he wasn’t there. He suddenly broke down and said he didn’t see himself marrying me, that he couldn’t see himself marrying into my family (said they were messy and unambitious) and he didn’t see how it was going to work beyond a wedding. It’s weird as we have spoken about this repeatedly and he has always understood where I stood on converting (I didn’t want to) and well this isn’t new and never was a problem before. After a couple of days of no contact he suddenly gets really desperate askingto see me crying hysterical etc. On the day of my mums birthday so I refused to see him and said I needed some time. When we see each other he tells me has been unfaithful, had sex with someone else a month before. That it was a one time thing (supposedly) and that he really regrets it. I ask him why and he says he doesn’t know, but wouldn’t tell me who it was, how they met. Just that she was no me. I immediately broke up with him. I didn’t even cry. I had cheated on once before and always said I could never forgive it. Fast forward two weeks and I am wondering whether I made the right choice. I have blocked him on everything to stick to NC and I have been really strong knowing he is not the person I thought but part of me really misses how great our relationship was. We were so happy so I don’t understand why he did this. Also I am 27 and I worry my time is running out to find someone else. I love being in a relationship and I really want to get married and have kids. Part of me feels this was my only chance and I should try forgive him and work it out. I get so sad thinking of all the happy times but equally the trust is gone. Also, when I asked him he refused to give me any details of who and when, and even said ‘if you ask again I will block you.’ I think he still wants us to be together, but I also feel I deserve better but think I should just settle as the chance of me finding it could be slim. Help
elaine567 Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 If you are not going to convert then his family if traditional and conservative will likely not accept you and as Islam is a big deal, and pervades every aspect of a Muslim's life then he may risk ostracisation from his family and community, if he decided to marry you anyway.. Depending on the community, his life may even be at risk. Being a Muslim is a serious business, it is not like Christianity where you can merely show up for weddings and funerals, sing some carols at Xmas and still call yourself a Christian... He may have cheated yes, but he may under family pressure just be setting you free...
Giraffe-A Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 Could be posdible that he has strung you along all this time with promises fully knowing that both of your families would not agree or have major reservations. I used to work with a guy from India who had a steady girlfriend for 9 years. From one day to the next he said he was going back to India to marry the girl his parents picked out for him. That poor girl was a mess. But, 27 is very young. You’re doing well by keeping NC and moving on quickly.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 The religious barrier is simply insurmountable for some people. As long as he was young, he could probably hide the relationship from his family or he could tell his family your relationship wasn't all that serious ... but as people age, and the family thinks of its long-term "survival," and inheritance and all of that ... the family control instincts kick in ... especially for certain traditional families. So he was being dishonest with you all along ... or naive ... (suddenly criticizing your family) ... and then he had a fling. No, you don't need to contact him. Oh, God, you're 27. Plenty of time to meet someone. Seriously, you think past 27 is getting you into "old" territory? No way ... You need to learn from this experience. That's the important thing. Learn nothing from this experience and rush into a new relationship and time won't run out--it'll explode into a divorce--for marrying someone you shouldn't marry. What's going on in the rest of your life? Job? Hobbies? Friends? Time to get busy with the rest of your life ... let yourself heal ... later, you'll know when you're ready to meet someone. Look, you can call if you want ... but you would simply be prolonging your misery ... He'll be nice to you for a night or two ... won't change his views on following his parents expectations ... won't change his view of marrying you. Very painful, your situation ... Now ... you didn't have any clue this was going to happen? ... Was this guy naive? ... If you're going to cross religious or racial barriers, you can't be naive or else you'll be a lamb in a wolf's world. Something sounds naive about you guys thinking about his family. His family didn't change ... Somehow you guys ignored the signs that his family wasn't up for this relationship ... and you missed the signs that he did not have the independence to choose and prioritize you over his family for the long term. I say congrats to you for blocking him and dumping him. Those lingering feelings ---they're not reliable-- ... feelings sometimes are like that. The reality is ... this guy just cheated on you ... and devalued you in favor of hims family. He has revealed his deepest motives ... he might have been a nice guy before ... But he doesn't have the strength to go forward with you. You can talk to him, but that lack of courage and strength won't change. 1
kendahke Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 (edited) You won't end up alone unless that how you want to be for the rest of your life. Fear of being alone is no excuse to stay with someone who does not treat you the way in which you want to be treated. Life is too short for that BS. You do have some agency and decision making processes in making your life the way you want it. What you don't have is control over other humans--they're going to do what they want to do. You have to decide if what they do falls within the boundaries of what you will tolerate out of someone else. If it doesn't, then you have to bounce. People can only be who they are--not who you need for them to be. Edited December 26, 2018 by kendahke 1
olivetree Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 I think you should stick to your guns and keep him blocked. You're not married, you don't have kids and he cheated. Do you really want to live the rest of your life being paranoid? It hurts, but it will get better. Also, at 27, you're young and have plenty of time. Stay with him and you'll just waste more time when you could be with a loyal partner. 2
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 My ex of 5 years cheated on me.....I took him back...BIG mistake. I ended up dumping him for other reasons. I got over it and moved on. 1
Author Marina0307 Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 Thanks for your support guys. I feel a lot better about this decision and just need to be strong. Also to your point earlier, I’m fortunate that I’ve got a lot of great friends and close knit family, and I’m finishing up Med school doing something I love so I’m just going to focus on what I’ve got and just focus on myself.a 2
guest569 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 you definitely did the right thing!! You’re still very young, finishing med school and have the world at your feet. I really admire your strength to break up immediately with no tears and no drama. You absolutely deserve better. You have standards and know that you couldn’t forgive the cheating, I don’t think I could forgive it either. You’ll no doubt be super busy in your new career and I think you will feel ok in time.. you’ll find someone new and much better who doesn’t cheat. I tend to dwell and regret and think of the good aspects too, regardless of why we broke up, it’s always hard to let go. Just remind yourself of the bad stuff and the mindset when you left him, stay strong and avoid contact.
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 Thanks for your support guys. I feel a lot better about this decision and just need to be strong. Also to your point earlier, I’m fortunate that I’ve got a lot of great friends and close knit family, and I’m finishing up Med school doing something I love so I’m just going to focus on what I’ve got and just focus on myself.a Girl....you are going to be alright.
Ariesgirly Posted January 2, 2019 Posted January 2, 2019 I would love to be single and 27 again. I am still single and in my mid 30s....you have definitely got time! I know a lot of people who spent their 20s in a long term relationship and are single in their 30s. You are probably a different person with different preferences than before when you were 22. Have fun for a while and learn about yourself again
snowboy91 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 As you heal you'll find breaking up was the best thing for you both, there were definitely barriers and incompatibilities in your relationship that you tried to work around but it ended up creating some distance between the two of you which gave him the space to cheat on you. I got out of a 6 year relationship at age 26 (happened middle of last year). My ex and I both found new partners in the space of a month. You have time - in fact I'd say you're in your prime to find a satisfying long term relationship. Once you're ready to start dating again you'll snap someone up pretty fast
Insoc Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 My Ex cheated on me too, but I'm 50 and I'm not going to worry about ending up alone, I'm giving dating a rest, but I have been on a few dates, have not met anyone yet who is lockable for a LTR, it will take time. The hardest part is the time between breaking up/divorce and meeting someone new, because often you are all alone unless you have a lot of friends an family nearby, I don't.
preraph Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 You have plenty of time. You're probably at your most attractive right now to find another man. Also, since you're 27, if you date someone maybe 30-ish, they'll be more ready to settle down and have done most of their roaming around. The religious differences are vast if you're a serious Christian and they are serious Muslims. He's already decided he's too big a chicken to stand up to his parents about the religion thing, and that's when he decided to see if he COULD get another woman or not if he cut you loose. You don't need that. I really believe you can do better.
edgygirl Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Why would anyone think they are ending alone at 27? I'm in my 40s and happily looking. Gosh... I wish I knew better in my 20s.
Insoc Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Why would anyone think they are ending alone at 27? I'm in my 40s and happily looking. Gosh... I wish I knew better in my 20s. Likewise, I feel the same i just turned 50 and I'm not thinking life is over, it's just that time in the middle, the grind between which stings and makes you feel, alone and empty.
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