My Wife Hates me After Marriage !

[makeyourDestiny]

It has been exactly one year since our marriage has failed. We have known each other for 8 years and married for 4. In the beginning, we loved each other and had amazing sex. She was the nicest person. I was unemployed for 8 months and she didn't complain about my situation and helped with expenses until I was able to get on my feet. We married since we loved each other. She did give me an ultimatum, because it took me 8 years to propose to her. When I turned 39 I proposed to her on the Eifel tower and let her experience Europe. I also made sure she had the best wedding. I wanted her to have an amazing 70k wedding. After We got married it started to get shaky. I bought her an expensive car and gave her expensive presents, but it was never enough. I was just happy making her happy and seeing her smile. She became more materialistic as our marriage progressed. We travelled dinned and spent good times together. She always complained about her job and blamed it on me for not having the courage to switch jobs. She feared me losing my job, because I switched jobs multiple times. I got laid off and had switched jobs for better and higher salary. Fast forward 3 years after marriage, we started getting bored of doing the same activities and she wanted a change. She wanted me to take her out more. She always told me, how come her friends can make 300K and I cannot. She expected me to be rich overnight. During that time, I created a side business to earn more money so I could buy her a big house and expensive purses. The business required a lot of time dedication and it allowed me to dedicate less time for her. My job also got more demanding and took a lot of my time. She never understood that I was doing all this for her. So, she started getting into social media and spent majority her time looking at makeup videos. Then came a big loss in our life. I lost my job and we lost our first baby. She ended up in a major depression and started complaining about why I earn more salary than her. She started to have no respect for me and treated me like an animal. I took her to counselling but she didn't like the counsellor and we stopped. The dilemma continued and she started going out with her friends and spending the night. I complained about her behaviour but her answer was: "I need my friends". I think that is not normal. This continued for a year and got worst. After all the misery she had caused me, she asked me to buy her a 5000-dollar purse. I didn't see how buying a purse would solve our marriage issues. Now it’s Christmas. She spent Christmas eve with her friends and didn't care to spend any time with me. She doesn't let me speak and says "STOP!". I have to hear her speak but when I talk she says she need her calm time. She also says I talk a lot. She also told me she has fallen out of love. I asked her opinion about the business, since it’s in Beauty and Beauty is her passion. She still doesn't want to help or hear about it.

I feel like she has started hating me and doesn't believe I can do anything.

I have been sleeping on the couch for almost a year now. I still love her and I feel like it can work but I think she has lost all her passion for this marriage and me. I am thinking of getting marriage counselling, but I am feeling maybe a divorce could be better. She was the kindest and sweetest woman. She turned into a complainer and she always mentions that she wants a new life. She believes if I make more money it will fix our marriage. I care about money but I feel like love should be first. I have stopped buying gifts for her and paying for her car. I only pay her share of the rent. I have told her that I want to get a divorce. She declined and told me we have too many years together. Why throw it all away. I am miserable with her. I have developed depression and feel sad and lonely. I am not hugged or kissed. When I try to hug, her she pushes me away. She also doesn't want to bear children anymore. All she cares about is her friends and going out with them. I asked to spend new years with her but she wants to bring her friends. This is her second marriage and this is my first. Thank you for any input you have. Please help me decide. I need to make 2019 right.

Edited December 25, 2018 by makeyourDestiny
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[Whodatdog]

How can she decline a divorce? If you want one, why cant you just file and get divorced?

[treehugger12]

Welcome to LS, she sounds very materialistic, you need to sit her down and have a talk with her, shes being very unfair to you and treating you horribly. If she doesn’t want to work on the marriage and maybe get counseling then maybe it’s time to call it quits, it takes 2. She sounds like she is only thinking of herself. That’s not a good marriage, sorry your spending the holidays like this.

January is a good time to work things out, good luck to you.

[basil67]

She sounds materialistic, but so do you. All I'm reading here is about how much you've given and how much she wants. Nothing about love or quality time, even in the beginning.

[Giraffe-A]

I’m failing to see what portion of this exciting marriage you want to save. She didn’t become a materialistic, complaining person- she already was one. When you look at domestic abuse, you wonder why the abused person doesn’t just leave. The abused is stuck in this moment in time during the initial dating phase where the abused were tender, loving, hepful and wonderful. The abuser slowly gains control by interrupting these previous moments. The abused enters the cycle with self blame over their partner’s unhappiness. The harder they try to bring their partner back to that happy state, the more the abuser gains control.

You’re in this cycle being manipulated by what you perceive to have been a very warm person...once. You don’t need her permission to get a divorce. You need a good lawyer to help guide you and guide you with the finances.

Yes, marriage gets real good when money is there, and you seem to have the drive and skill to do it on your own, wouldn’t you want to share this with someone who really wants to be in a loving, affectionate, fulfilling marriage?

[Mr. Lucky]

We have known each other for 8 years and married for 4.

 

She did give me an ultimatum, because it took me 8 years to propose to her.

 

Something doesn't add up.

 

It would seem your wife saw marriage as a means to a financial end. And now that those ends don't meet, she's looking elsewhere to have a number of needs met. What do you think she's been doing for sex the last year you've been sleeping on the couch?

 

I'd guess your marriage is over in all but name only. Probably time to make it official...

 

Mr. Lucky

[makeyourDestiny]

Thank you for all your replies. Something happened last night that made me feel different about her. However, it might be an illusion. She told me she wanted to spend some time with me at a fancy restaurant. I did reserve at a restaurant of her choice and we actually had an amazing time. We did talk a lot about business and nothing was mentioned about fixing our marriage. I did bring it up but she said we can be friends and I can get a share of the business. She told me she just hates staying home. Anyways I do want to save the marriage since I invested a lot of time. I am ok walking away but I also have the fear that I won't find the right woman, since I am getting older. I also am scared to be alone and end up in depression. I think I can survive since I have been single before. Maybe I will be happier. You are right she was always materialistic and totally was blinded. Now that we are married I can see through her. Maybe she didn't see all my faults and now she is seeing it and that is why the marriage is failing. I thought marriage was about working as a team and accepting each other's faults.

[DKT3]

I suspect that your wife isnt or has never been in love with you. From how you have explained it, you spent money to catch her then cut back after marriage. She probably feels betrayed by that and likely felt she would be a "kept" wife free to run around with friends and freely burn through money.

 

it sounds like a very conditional relationship on her part and you are failing to met those conditions. Honestly, I believe you would be happier away from her. May feel like a weight has been lifted.

[Mr. Lucky]

Anyways I do want to save the marriage since I invested a lot of time.

 

You have a couch with your outline on it from sleeping there for the last year.

 

How's that investment working out?

 

She told me she wanted to spend some time with me at a fancy restaurant.

 

What a surprise...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

I guess you are in your mid forties now as you proposed at 39, how old is she?

[treehugger12]

Thank you for all your replies. Something happened last night that made me feel different about her. However, it might be an illusion. She told me she wanted to spend some time with me at a fancy restaurant. I did reserve at a restaurant of her choice and we actually had an amazing time. We did talk a lot about business and nothing was mentioned about fixing our marriage. I did bring it up but she said we can be friends and I can get a share of the business. She told me she just hates staying home. Anyways I do want to save the marriage since I invested a lot of time. I am ok walking away but I also have the fear that I won't find the right woman, since I am getting older. I also am scared to be alone and end up in depression. I think I can survive since I have been single before. Maybe I will be happier. You are right she was always materialistic and totally was blinded. Now that we are married I can see through her. Maybe she didn't see all my faults and now she is seeing it and that is why the marriage is failing. I thought marriage was about working as a team and accepting each other's faults.

 

Based on your original thread, you are already alone, she is using you and your allowing it, she wanted to have dinner with you to butter you up for more from what it sounds like. Get out and get someone who will appreciate you and not take you for granted, she sounds like a gold digger. If I were you, I’d do some investigating on whom else she is spending time with, start with the phone bill. Sounds like she has you wrapped around her little pinkie.

[chillii]

l'm sorry but the biggest thing struck me in almost every line , apart from her incredible greed and shallowness, was that everything was about her. And sorry again but that's never gonna end well you've ended up with a spoilt little brat.

There's 2 people in a marriage and both's happiness, wants , needs , likes and dislikes are equally important.

 

 

Not sure why you'd wanna go back to being treated like that but believe me there's plenty of guys around even 20yrs older than you and doing just fine with the ladies.

But if you did wanna save it l think she needs a pretty good list first of all , of the crap she'd have to fix and stop and a couple of pages about what makes "you" happy for a change too wouldn't hurt either.

 

 

Anyway good luck with whatever you decide.

[Rockdad]

I spoiled my ex. I never found a way to unring that bell. I made good money through very hard work and all that did was maintain more of her being spoiled. I slept basically on the couch for the last 3 years as you are now. I as well had a problem with her GF interfering in my home on a daily. I gave my ex an ultimatum it was either her or me. Without hesitation she let me know her friend wasn't going anywhere.

 

 

 

She offered no physical or emotional support. You have fearful thoughts of being physically alone. Most of us have fears when contemplating a divorce. My fears kept me in place for many long agonizing lonely years. Here is what I found when I pulled the trigger. She needed me for her purposes and I was being used. I was just a workhorse and her tool. Second to that was I was her means to the phony facade of the perfect happy family she wanted to present the world. I didn't need the person she had become. It was a slow death being in the relationship. Any of this sound familiar?

 

 

 

You may even find if you chose to end it, when the smoke clears and get some healing you discover how embarrassed of yourself you are for ever allowing a person to control and abuse you. That will take some getting past as well.

[L0nely]

She always told me, how come her friends can make 300K and I cannot.

 

Women who compare/nags about their husbands finances to other husbands finances are a big no-no wife material.

 

she started going out with her friends and spending the night. I complained about her behaviour but her answer was: "I need my friends". I think that is not normal.

 

"spending the night" as in not coming home to sleep???? If so, a HUGE RED-FLAG. No matter how mad i am at my husband, i would NEVER not come home to sleep. You're right, that is NOT normal.

 

I asked her opinion about the business, since it’s in Beauty and Beauty is her passion. She still doesn't want to help or hear about it.

 

Also not wife material. My husband is a programmer. I know NOTHING of program coding, yet I'd still help him copy and paste codes whenever he needs me to. A wife should be supportive in all situations. Not only is she materialistic, but also selfish. Why live with a selfish person?

 

she always mentions that she wants a new life. She believes if I make more money it will fix our marriage.

 

People who constantly mentions of wanting a new life, will eventually ends up cheating so that they can find a better person for that "new life". No, more money won't fix the core of the marriage issue. It just bandages over the main issue and the main issue is she's a gold-digger.

 

All she cares about is her friends and going out with them. I asked to spend new years with her but she wants to bring her friends.

 

Let her marry her friends then.

 

This is her second marriage and this is my first.

I'm sorry but this is your first mistake. You've married a women who was once-married while its your first marriage. In conclusion, she's not wife material, materialistic, and selfish. If you don't take actions now, you will lose more years ahead. Good luck moving forward.

[BettyDraper]

Wanting financial security is normal but your wife sounds like she is living in some kind of reality tv fantasy world.

Not only is she a gold digger, she expects you to keep up with her friends regardless of how that affects your marriage and your finances.

 

You can end the marriage without her permission. I don't know why you have given such a selfish and greedy woman so much control over your life.

[Simple Logic]

One question, was the child she lost a planned pregnancy? It seems that a child would crap her life style.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Makeyourdestiny, with everything that you've told us about your wife and about the fact that you have been sleeping on the couch for the last year I think it is almost a given that she is getting some on the side so she does not need that aspect of a marital relationship from you. For the rest of it, you are giving her her dream life. Have you ever checked on who these so called friends of her's are? Also, it may be worth while for you to explore the reasons her first marriage failed. I wouldn't be surprised if infidelity or her current abusive behaviour with you were to blame.

 

You have been given excellent advice throughout this thread and yet you seem to want to cling to your abusive wife. Well if that is what you want then God help you and even He helps those who help themselves. The choice is yours. The consequences of your choice are also yours! Best wishes.

[Marc878]

Until you see her for who she really is and you can't fix this alone you will continue to be treated poorly.

 

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

 

You need to wake up sooner than later