WhatTodo475 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Hi, I am 27 and let me start off by saying that I have never usually needed advice with dating. I've had countless casual and serious relationships. Bedded dozens of women and can usually get over them very quickly. I am not braging and it sounds horrible. But, I am painting a picture about the sort of guy I am. I'm not the type to fall hard for anyone. Then steps a 18 year old in my life. At first I was a bit weary due to the age difference. But, I decided a harmless chat or even meeting up for food and coffee in a public area would not be so bad. Once we were actually on the date. She just blew all expectations. Not one pause in conversations, she was fun to be around, very beautiful and I loved every minute of her company. We ended up walking around our city until the early hours. Not being rude or flirty. Just talking like best friends would do until we shared a passionate kiss and we went our seperate ways. During our 8 hour long talk. She spoke about her past. It was all was quite disturbing. She told me that her first boyfriend was very abusive. She had bones broken by him and bruises everywhere with the pictures to show. She watched her best friend die infront of her at a early age and she was put up for adoption as a baby due to her parents being druggie deadbeats. Although, she seemed to have decent step parents and life afterwards (besides the friend and ex) and grew up on a farm. Maybe alarm bells should of been ringing. But, It made her more endearing to me and at that point. I had already made my mind up that I was going to protect her from any bad stuff going forward. Everything seemed normal for the first few days. We had another date set up and I honestly could not wait. But, the day came to meet her and she just disappeared off the grid. I tried calling, messaging. Nothing. The next day she finally got in touch saying that she got too hyper and threw herself down some stairs. I am like what the hell. Who does that. So, I call and call. No reply. Then, later that night she starts messaging me about a room mate asking her for sex if he gives her money as if it's a joke. Remember this is after she has stood me up and openly ignored me. I call again. Still no answer. I was really annoyed at this point. But, against my better judgement I kept talking to her through messages. During the following weeks. Some days would be great and It'd be like how we first met. Then, other times It'd be crazy stories. Like her friends talk about killing me or her dad is there being drunk (her dad lives 100s of miles away). and more reasons we could not meet. I have since found out that she lives in a mental hospital and at least suffers from pretty nasty Bi polar. But, from everything I've seen. It is probably full blown insanity. I just don't know what to do. The girl I went on a date with is probably the closet I have been to ever falling in love. I feel like everyday I want to save that part of her, ask her to marry me and run off into the sun set. But, instead I am left eternally waiting for a person who can never be here all the time It sounds sad. But, even if we can not be together. I still want to help her in anyway I can. I fell in love on one date and now I can not let go. But, should I? I am so confused right now
Garcon1986 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 So you ever watched the movie "A Beautiful Mind"? That's what it's like to try to fix full blown psychiatric illness. You can definitely try but it indeed takes a village to fix something like that. If you want to try, be ready for a lot of sleepless nights and much worse. She's not totally at fault for having bipolar certainly, but you've got a lot on your plate. The easy way out here is to leave her. You can choose the way of being her defender - but realize the risk that she may never become totally mentally stable. This is an extremely difficult undertaking you might be going for.
Author WhatTodo475 Posted December 25, 2018 Author Posted December 25, 2018 So you ever watched the movie "A Beautiful Mind"? That's what it's like to try to fix full blown psychiatric illness. You can definitely try but it indeed takes a village to fix something like that. If you want to try, be ready for a lot of sleepless nights and much worse. She's not totally at fault for having bipolar certainly, but you've got a lot on your plate. The easy way out here is to leave her. You can choose the way of being her defender - but realize the risk that she may never become totally mentally stable. This is an extremely difficult undertaking you might be going for. You're right. I am just devastated that out of the people I could finally fall for. It's someone that I can not be with. I feel like the world is a very lonely right now. It's tough man.
Ishy Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I have the exact thing she has. Bipolar. She's in the hospital because right now she's vulnerable. Hence this might not be the best time to start anything. I'm just being honest. Stay away. At least for now.
stillafool Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Dude, you're gone over some girl you took out one time, stood you up and lives in a mental hospital? Are you sure it's not because she is a hot 18 year old that makes you so infatuated? 1
Ishy Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 She's vulnerable and in no fit state to be making relationship descions like this. The obvious sign is she's in hospital .... 1
Larry56 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Dude, regardless of all this nonsense she's doing. You're being suckered in by her issues. You've know her for a few weeks and she's already using you against yourself. She has probably manipulated a few guys by saying she has so many issues. Throwing herself down the stairs? Good gawd how pathetic can someone be. You are being duped. You are focused on her looks and her vulnerability is making you irrational because you feel sorry for her. Let me ask you something. If you've been with quite a few girls...you must have seen this before...at least in terms of the hot and cold behaviour. That usually happens when the girl isn't 100% about you and is talking to other guys. I don't care what anyone thinks. Just because someone claims to have a mental illness, if they are still playing games it's because of how they feel about the OTHER person. It's not to do with their mental illness. Sorry to be harsh but that is what I believe is going on and she's taking you for a ride. 1
Author WhatTodo475 Posted December 25, 2018 Author Posted December 25, 2018 Dude, you're gone over some girl you took out one time, stood you up and lives in a mental hospital? Are you sure it's not because she is a hot 18 year old that makes you so infatuated? I felt more emotionally connected to her on one date. Than I have with ex's that I've been with and known for years. I've also dated women that look like models and I have barely given any interest to them as they bored me half to death. This is different. I know It's hard to believe. But, I think without the mental illness. She was the nearest thing I would of ever found to a soulmate. Thank you for your reply Ishy. I will back off from messaging and give her space to get the help she neede and hopefully recover.
grays Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I think if you really have feelings for her, you might want to be there for her when and how you can, but you can’t expect her to be there for you like a healthy partner would be. She may have real feelings for you but is unlikely to be able to treat you how she should or may like to. You’d have to have a thick skin and give without expecting in return. And obviously don’t add to her hurt. It’s probably not something one should take on after one great date, but relationships take on all kinds of shapes. That sounds very painful, though. I wish you luck.
preraph Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 You can't protect her. The damage is already done, and nothing you can do will fix it. If she's in a mental hospital, that's probably where she needs to be and she will require decades of work. Don't go into this thinking you can really help. It's well above your pay grade and probably above a single psychologist's pay grade, hence why she's hospitalized. Tragic, I know. 1
Ishy Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 You really also need to find out more about the condition ... I'm not going to lie it's not going to be easy. I was upfront about it ... But he's never seen me in an episode so I do worry what would happen. Thankfully I only had one episode 8 years back. If she's complaint and responsible that's what's important. She needs to learn to look after herself and take responsibility for her own health.
planb1973 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Honestly I'm not quite sure who is the crazy one in this situation. 1
elaine567 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 You walk away. As you already recognise this is an infatuation. You will get over it. This is too big and complicated for you to get involved in, you could even make things worse for her. Leave her to the professionals.
salparadise Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 Oh man, you need to get into therapy yourself, asap. You're a caretaker, a rescuer, a natural-born codependent. You have no idea what you'd be getting yourself into here. There is a high comorbidity prevalence between bipolar and borderline personality disorder. In fact, such illnesses are seldom discrete. Anyway, this gal is an all-day train wreck (throwing herself down stairs?) and you're just itching to catch a ride. Don't do it. Instead you should figure out what makes you so drawn to it and do some self work. Why do you not feel you deserve someone who will enhance your life rather than destroy it? You've had a tiny taste of what would be your life, and you're not running for the hills? That's insane. 1
See-Me-Feel-Me Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 She is not the person you loved that day. She was probably on a manic high and seemed like a goddess. Trouble is, as great as she seemed is but one side of a coin in which the other is as negative as she seemed positive. Don't fool yourself that she is one person that can always be the darling who impressed you. She isn't that person--at least not in any way that you will be able to predict or count on. 2
alphamale Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 I myself am bipolar. She needs a good psychiatrist and the proper medications (of which there are many now). She'll also need family support. 1
alphamale Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 You can't protect her. The damage is already done, and nothing you can do will fix it. If she's in a mental hospital, that's probably where she needs to be and she will require decades of work. Don't go into this thinking you can really help. It's well above your pay grade and probably above a single psychologist's pay grade, hence why she's hospitalized. Tragic, I know. a psychologist is useless to bipolars, they need a psychiatrist who can prescribe medications.
chillii Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 (edited) l don't believe it's infatuation or that she's 18 or anything else, you just felt what you felt it happens it's suppose to happen one day for all of us. Butttt, sadly yep she sounds a lot more than just bi polar that's for sure and you've probably only got her explanation for whatever's up in there . l'm no shrink but l have known a few people milder than her yet even they could have you tearing your hair out and on the couch with your own sanity chewed to pieces yourself before too long if you let yourself get too involved. Sorry man but she sounds a lot worse, getting chills just thinkin about it. Edited December 26, 2018 by chillii
Giraffe-A Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 Your situation has inspired me to add stories about my abusive ex into my next date conversation. I don’t really have one, but who needs proof? Girl needs saving, you want to be the hero, that’s a great pair. What could possibly go wrong?
edgygirl Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 I'm not surprised you're infatuated by her. I remember reading that bipolar woman are highly attractive and fascinating to men. Couldn't find an article on it but I know they're out there. 1
Art Anderson Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 My best friend and I are old enough to be grand dads. He is, I'm not. We are a "support group" of two. He married a woman when they were in their 20's who was "manic depressive" as it was called then. She made his life a living hell but he hung in there as long as he could. They had 3 kids together. Now, over 30 years later, she's still that person. Me, I've dated and had some longer relationships with very very troubled women, since I was in my twenties. One I kept track of for 40 years and she still gets into unstable harmful relationships. We both agree there is an indisputable and exciting vibe these women give off. Now we check each other that those instantaneous reactions are our radar screaming "Run!" i.e. if I feel too good too soon about someone, it's a caution sign and it's never wrong. But damned if I listen to it half the time. We both had our martyr phase, trying to be there for someone to come around to being more rational and conventional, but they don't. It's sad but that's how it is. Good luck, because there's a better than 50% chance OP won't heed the advice given.
healing light Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 She just blew all expectations. Not one pause in conversations, she was fun to be around, very beautiful and I loved every minute of her company. We ended up walking around our city until the early hours. Not being rude or flirty. Just talking like best friends I'm wondering what kind of women you went out with before that you didn't get this vibe more than once? It sounds like you haven't dated a woman with a vibrant personality, so when you saw someone who was charming and at ease with conversation you fell fast and hard. I'm guessing this is also why you got over the other women so quickly, because they didn't do it for you beyond a superficial or physical sense. Well, not all of us who aren't boring have mental illness. Haha. Yes, you'll probably want to look into why you are still so drawn to this one after she's waved more red flags than a bullfighting convention. Trust me, this one will suck you into an abyss if you allow it. What more would she have to do to turn you off? Throwing herself down stairs? Friends discussing murdering you? You didn't break her, you can't fix her. Maybe you should join a meetup group where people go out to comedy clubs or something of that nature so you can meet a woman with a sense of humor if boredom has been your issue in the past. What qualities do you typically look for when dating a woman?
Author WhatTodo475 Posted December 26, 2018 Author Posted December 26, 2018 Thank you so much for all the replies. I honestly did not think I would even get one. So, I really appriciate everyone who has tried to help and give advice. Before all this. I only had a basic understanding of mental health and Bi polar. But, after doing a lot of research today. Everything I've read sounds just like her. That, along with everyones messages has made me realise that I will be sacrificing my own happiness to be with her. I would like to still look after her. Even as a friend. But, I don't want to send mixed messages and put her in a worse state of mind than she already is. Same with outright telling that It's over. Is there anyway I can cut ties without making her spiral out of control? That's the last I could want. Even if I am not going to be in her. I still want her to be happy and have the best chance of being helped.
Author WhatTodo475 Posted December 26, 2018 Author Posted December 26, 2018 For the people saying how could I fall so hard with my experience with women. I can not even put it into words. The energy, excitment and aura she was giving off was almost hypnotising. I even remember joking about her putting a spell on me. Imagine finding someone that just lifts you up as soon as they talk and makes you feel like you could conquer the world if they were by your side. Now I understand that she was probably in a manic mood and I was just lucky or even unlucky to catch her on that day as it has lead to all this.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 OP, you hardly know this girl. You’re not in love after one date; you were intrigued and attracted, but you’re not in love with her. She is virtually a stranger. You don’t need to help her through this as a friend. I say that because you are interested in more and she isn’t. You’re not in an emotional position to be her friend, and stand by as she meets other guys and goes out with them. Add to that her mental health issues, and this is far beyond your pay grade. You are not equipped to help her, for many reasons. The problems she struggles with are serious and will likely require ongoing care for the rest of her life. You don’t even know how much of what she’s told you is true; keep that in mind. Do you know for a fact that she resides in a mental health facility? If so, how did you verify this? Do you know for a fact that she threw herself down a flight of stairs? Perhaps these are indeed facts, or maybe she’s exaggerated for effect and shock value and attention. All I’m saying is that you might not even be able to take her word as true, and you need to engage your critical thinking skills a bit more.
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