DLB91 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 So I met a girl who lived interstate. We knew each other nearly 2 years and started sleeping together. For about two months things were great and then she distanced herself but we were still sleeping together for another 3. She told me she didn't have the same feelings anymore in march this year. So we left it as friends and kept in contact. I moved to her state in May and of course wanted to see her again. I didn't see her until July and we had a few dates nothing romantic just as friends. We maintained contact and her frequency increased to almost daily. In September she wanted to go to a party and said she might stay the night with me. So we go and have a good time. We head home to my place together and I was very drunk. We got into bed and I opened up to her and told her that I did have feelings for her back when we were together but I didn't tell her then because I didn't want to push her away. I told her how much she meant to me and we ended kissing and dry humping. She rolled over to sleep after the dry sex and I was so turned on. I couldn't sleep. I'll admit that I was cuddling her and got carried away with touching her. I pulled down her track pants. She said no and pulled them back up. I asked her to take them off she said no so I stopped. She mentioned earlier that she didn't want to have sex and I knew that. I just wanted to touch her. I missed her. Next morning I apologise for getting carried away she said it's fine. I drive her home we hang out all day. She asked what I was doing in two days time I said let's hang out. We had some hugs before I left. I said love you but she didn't say it back. I drove home with a bad feeling. I got home she had sent me some music and some things on instagram. I assumed everything was okay. Then she sends me a video about consent comparing it to a cup of tea. I apologise again. She then replied I don't think we can be more than friends again. Im upset with the way you treated me last night and I feel sick about it. I sent a long apology back saying how bad I felt. She said she needed space so we didn't talk for about 5 weeks. Then I gave in. I asked her if she still wanted me in her life she basically said yes as a friend but everytime I think about you I feel physically sick. She made what happened sound a lot worse like I was persisting and she kept saying no and I wouldn't stop. it just didn't make sense because I can remember my actions clearly. We argued a bit about the facts and it was like she was gaslighting me. We compromised on being friends but I have feelings for her. I kept pressing for more answers. She said she never wanted to be more than friends again and was just staying with me because I offered and she wouldn't have to uber home although it was her idea. I said I felt used and led on. She said sorry for giving you mixed signals and she didn't mean to. Now I was under the impression that we were going to start our relationship again and I feel like she knew what she was doing and knew what I thought was going to happen that night. Her side of the story changed a few times and I just don't believe she is being honest. I know she wanted to be intimate that night we built up all this tension but I think I turned her off when I confessed feelings. She said she lost romantic feelings because of the distance situation and wasn't interested in me like that anymore. Now I'm left hurting and can't stop thinking about that night. It's like if she wasn't interested like that then why would you stay with me? Why did she lead me on like that? I feel like she wanted something casual saw my feelings and changed her mind. To think that all of this could have been avoided with a simple conversation. I have told her I can't be friends with her anymore. I need to forget about her.
Cersei Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 This is not all on you. She never should have gone to your house if she did not want to get it on. Forgive yourself. You are not the only one who made this situation crappy. Do yourself a favour and let her go. This does not look like a good woman for you.
nolanola Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 You need to work on your approach to this situation. You say you apologized to her but you are blaming her for what happened and for "leading you on". She does not have to have sex with you because she went to your house. You tried multiple times and she said no. Can you at least consider the possibility that your actions were upsetting to her? You are looking at this as her doing something to you and hurting you, but what about how you made her feel? She might have lost feelings for you because you pushed too hard to have sex with her when she didn't want to. That is on you as much as it is on her. I don't see true remorse in your statement, to be honest. I see you blaming her for "leading you on" and "not being honest". I think you should take responsibility for your part in what happened (true responsibility, not what you have written here) and give her a real apology. After that, you would probably be best to leave her alone for awhile. I have never had what you describe happen to me, but I have been in a situation where a man is doing or saying things to me that made me uncomfortable. Several times, I didn't say anything at the time. For multiple reasons. That doesn't mean it wasn't upsetting to me. In some cases, it was very upsetting. Do not assume that since she didn't get up right away, cuss you out, and go home that she was not upset. Do not assume that since she seemed "normal" after and hung out with you that she was not upset. I'm not saying you are a bad person. Not at all. But what you did upset her and she has a right to those feelings. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 The way it all ended is unfortunate, yes. But honestly, it was never going anywhere anyway. She doesn’t have romantic feelings for you and she it appears that friendship is too complicated as well. It’s time to cut ties and move on. There is foundation for anything here anymore.
basil67 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I know that 'cup of tea' video. I think you need to watch it again. The fact a girl fools around with you does not give an open invitation for sex. You still need to make sure she wants it.
Author DLB91 Posted December 26, 2018 Author Posted December 26, 2018 Can anyone tell me why she may have done this though? Especially when there were feelings involved previously.. I assumed she wanted to start the relationship again. That's what it felt like for me. Or she wanted something casual saw my feelings and it freaked her out
nolanola Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 Why she did what? It seems to me that she was upset about what happened and that plays a major role in how she feels about you. In her mind, you crossed her boundaries and she's upset about it. It follows that she wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone that she's upset with. Once you have hurt someone it's really hard to undo that. It's almost more upsetting when someone that you think cares about you hurts you. I'm guessing she trusted you and now you have violated her trust. Again, I really don't think you understand what she is saying or why she is upset. When I read what you wrote above, particularly the last paragraph, it's obvious to me why she is acting the way she's acting. But regardless, she has made her perspective clear and I think you are going to have to accept it. I don't think you are going to change her mind, at least not right now. Sometimes we never understand why another person acted the way they did. However, I stand by what I said before -- I think you need to think about how you are approaching this situation, because you're not taking any responsibility. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 Can anyone tell me why she may have done this though? Especially when there were feelings involved previously.. I assumed she wanted to start the relationship again. That's what it felt like for me. Or she wanted something casual saw my feelings and it freaked her out You assumed wrong, apparently. She is upset by your behaviorist that night, but I really don’t think you two would otherwise be starting anything again. You’re into her, and she doesn’t feel the same way about you. Next time, don’t continue to sleep with someone for 3 months when you want more and she doesn’t.
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