inmyheaad Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I have feelings for a friend/co-worker (we're both cashiers) that I've known for 2 months. The good news, he explicitly told me that he liked me as well and wanted to move forward. I, however, wanted to see how things go between us before becoming exclusive. I was excited, at first, about possibly starting my first relationship ever, but my insecurities eventually snuck up on me and now I can't stop overthinking. Context: when I was still in that early stage of does-he-like-me-does-he-not, I asked who he liked at the moment. He told me that he liked our not-so-single female supervisor, but was happy being good friends with her. Few days later, he came clean about it and admitted that he lied because he panicked, but felt incredibly guilty for lying to me (he was so nervous about my reaction that he didn't eat anything and was almost on the verge of crying before seeing me). BUT, he also admitted that he used to have a crush on said supervisor a year ago. She had a boyfriend at the time (still does). He also had a crush on a different female supervisor, whom he's known since high school, but knew he never had a chance with her because she had a boyfriend. He doesn't think they'll break up anytime soon bc they've been together for so long. Tell me if I'm crazy, but I'm almost 90% certain that he might have unhidden feelings for the first girl I mentioned. It's this weird, paranoid feeling I have. I suspected that he liked her (based on just one interaction they had - it wasn't flirty, but I was convinced that he liked her just because he was friendly to her) and was partially right about that, so I could be right about this. It doesn't help that she's attractive, skinny, and seems to have an okay personality (don't really know her all that well). When I first met her I was instantly intimidated by her. To be clear, I do NOT hate her. But I digress. My dilemma is this. I really like my friend. He's quirky, kind, and warm. Makes me smile without even trying. In fact, I think I might even like him more than he "likes" me (does he really, though?) and that's kind of scary. If I'm way more emotionally attached to him than he is with me and it turns out that he actually did have feelings for our coworker, it would probably destroy me. I don't want to be romantically involved with someone who might have unhidden feelings for someone else. What's worse, he might not even know it. I don't want to risk getting hurt by putting myself in a situation where I might be someone's "second choice." From what I know, the only thing that's preventing him from pursuing this girl is her dating availability. But what if she were single? And even if she continued to date her current bf, how am I supposed to know if he's okay with that? He had a "crush" on her a year ago, but crushes either fade away or develop into something more. But if you have a crush on someone and still have to see them at work all the time, how can those feelings just go away? He probably thinks he's over it, but what if he's not? I'm so insecure and paralyzed by my concerns that it's uncomfortable seeing her at work. Or even hearing her name. It doesn't affect my work performance, but I get this sick feeling in my stomach. Because at the end of the day, he set the bar high for me. Though he never dated her, he had a crush on her. I'm nothing like her. It's mind-boggling to me that he would even be interested in someone like me. He claims that he likes me because I'm cool, he likes spending time with me, and we share a few common interests. But, really? What if he only feels that way because I'm the only girl who's ever shown interest in his interests? He has a lot of passions and I like talking about them with him and I appreciate those interests, but that's it. What's so special about that? He assured me that what he feels for me isn't a mere crush. That he's never felt an emotional connection with his other female friends. The last time he ever liked a girl was when he liked someone from his class, I believe, and she had a boyfriend whom she stayed with despite him cheating on her. He was so heartbroken that he had to drop out of his classes. I bring this up because I don't know if he's felt that way towards our coworker. If he did, he never mentioned it. And I don't want to keep digging into his romantic past so I'm left to just make assumptions. A few months ago, I remember one time hearing that she and some other coworkers were going to grab a drink, but he couldn't come. Was it because he didn't want to see her and her bf? Who knows? Also, he's worked at his current job for 2 years, but only started crushing on her a year later. How intense were these feelings? When did they start, when they fade away (if they did, but again, I'm worried that they're still there)? The thing is, not knowing makes me miserable. But would knowing change anything? What if he really did like her for a long time and had a hard time seeing her because of it? You know what's also scary? The possibility of her liking him as well. Yes, she has a boyfriend, but because my friend gets along with everyone, I wouldn't be surprised if she found him attractive as well. Idk. Other relevant info: -He's never dated before. I've never dated anyone either. This is new territory. What if he wants to pursue something romantic with me only because I'm the only available girl who's shown interest in him? And not because he actually likes me? Cause, you know, some people don't want to single and alone and they'd rather be in a relationship that they may not be fully and emotionally invested in because of that fear. -He asked her for a ride home after work because it had been pouring outside. Could have been a harmless request bc he didn't want to pay for an uber just to get to his house that was only a five minute drive away...or maybe he secretly wanted to spend extra time with her. -He had been trying to get me to whistle and I would refuse every time. But one time he commented that she was like that too. This probably means nothing right? -He brought his parents to our workplace and purposely chose to go through my lane on one of our busiest days. He's normally the one that buys groceries for his family, so this made me think that he wanted them to see me. Which makes me think that maybe he does truly like me. He also suggested that I come with his father and sister to pick him up from the airport when he's back from his trip to see his relatives. He does that a lot, encouraging and inviting me to do things that might be out of my comfort zone. -He's an extroverted, social Aspie, which I don't mind. It's just, we're such different people. I'm introverted, reserved, and somewhat shy. An anxious overthinker. I don't think I'm a catch at all. So it's weird that he'd find me attractive. It's not based on physical appearance, that's for sure. I feel like he's too good for me because he's such a nice person and gets along with a lot of people. Perhaps that's a little intimidating bc that's something I struggle with. What could I possibly offer if we were to get into a relationship? Maybe I'll ask him that when he comes back just to see his side of things. I don't have much evidence to support my suspicions that he might like her. Everything is just based on isolated events and gut feelings. I need some clarity and objectivity here. Are my insecurities clouding my ability to perceive things as is? Are they misconstruing bits and pieces of a puzzle I can't fully see? Sorry for the lengthy post. It just goes to show that my headspace is too cluttered and cramped because of all these thoughts.
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 (edited) Do not....I repeat DO NOT date coworkers. You think it's stressful now, just wait til you see him chatting with said girl and he looks to be showing her more attention that you. You will totally wig out and he will dump you for being so cray cray. Ok now my opinion about him. He's is a total turd for even telling you anything about his crushes. That type of thing is better left in the head and not being exploited through conversations with a potentiate GF. He has no filter. You don't date jerks like this. I don't care what fluff he has been feeding you, it's all a load of BS. He tells you his behavior is nothing to worry about...seriously? Get away from him. Edited December 25, 2018 by smackie9
Author inmyheaad Posted December 25, 2018 Author Posted December 25, 2018 Do not....I repeat DO NOT date coworkers. You think it's stressful now, just wait til you see him chatting with said girl and he looks to be showing her more attention that you. You will totally wig out and he will dump you for being so cray cray. Ok now my opinion about him. He's is a total turd for even telling you anything about his crushes. That type of thing is better left in the head and not being exploited through conversations with a potentiate GF. He has no filter. You don't date jerks like this. I don't care what fluff he has been feeding you, it's all a load of BS. He tells you his behavior is nothing to worry about...seriously? Get away from him. To be fair, I’m the one who asked him about his past crushes and he was honest about everything. He never told me to not worry about his behavior, just that he believes that what he feels for me is more than a crush.
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